Sooo I'm back earlier than I thought, but just because I decided to split chapter 8 in two parts... I'm particularly satisfied with this chapter and I thought it deserved its own cliffhanger! :P
Be aware of some drama! Things couldn't keep going smoothly, could they?
The title is once again from a song, yes the very famous one, and I think you'll understand the connection... if not, I will write it at the end of the next update, which by the way should come on Saturday, I think.
Enjoy :)
VIII. Wonderwall (pt. 1)
Cuddy and Rachel eventually managed to adjust to a life without Arlene. It was very hard at first, but day after day, it got a little better. They also spent their week in Hawaii at the end of July, as they had originally planned. They had a great time, got to see a lot of animals, and Cuddy finally enjoyed some relax.
Actually, getting back to work after the short vacation was pretty tough for her, and although it had been almost two weeks since she was back, she still had a hard time getting up in the morning, especially in busy days like this.
She sighed, glancing at all the papers spread across her desk. It was already lunchtime and there were a lot of things she still needed to do. Maybe she could find some time to have lunch with House though.
She left her office, headed towards the fourth floor.
As she stepped into his office, however, she could immediately sense that something was wrong. House was standing in front of the windows, lost in his thought, his eyes staring at the landscape.
"Hey! Do you want to grab lunch together?" she asked cheerfully, hoping this would stop his mind from wandering who knows where.
Lately, they had lunch together almost regularly, once or twice a week, more if you counted the ones where Wilson was present too. After they spent the night together, even though just in a platonic way, almost three months ago, they'd gotten closer. They never really talked about that, but it happened sometimes that they sought each other's company, sometimes without an excuse, some other times without even having something to say. It happened that they just wanted to be close to each other. Cuddy liked this new change. It felt like they were friends again, like they hadn't been in a long time.
"House?" she prompted him again, as he didn't offer an answer, nor he seemed to have acknowledged her presence in the room.
She took a few more steps, getting closer to him, and she frowned.
He was leaning on his cane.
She hadn't seen him with a cane in months, if not on sporadic occasions. Cane day meant bad day.
She put a hand on his arm, to draw his attention to her. He flinched slightly, then glanced at her briefly, before returning his gaze to the previous spot.
"House? Wanna grab lunch?" she repeated cautiously.
"Not that hungry" he replied harshly.
She shuddered at his words.
"Is everything okay?" she asked in a low voice. He never refused lunch.
"I'm fine"
Cuddy sighed. It was evident that something was wrong indeed. She wondered what it could be, if it was her fault. Had she possibly done something wrong, that could upset him? She thought about what happened recently, but she could find nothing. Unless this wasn't about her.
"Is something wrong with your patient?" she asked tentatively.
This time, he didn't reply. She figured she had hit the mark. Softly, she shifted the hand that was still resting on his arm towards his upper back, applying a light pressure to the motion, just so that he could feel her.
This gesture was meant to be reassuring, maybe comforting. Instead, he jumped away.
"Leave me alone" he said. He didn't look at her, or he would have seen that she wasn't ready to give up just yet.
"Sure you don't want to talk about it?"
She had used a soft, understanding tone. Since she was back, she'd had the impression that he was more keen on talking than before, more willing to express his feelings. She had thought today was the same, that he just needed some encouraging.
She recoiled when, instead, he abruptly turned around to face her, his eyes flashing.
"I said leave me alone!" he barked.
She left without saying a word.
Cuddy spent the following hours trying to focus on her paperwork, getting ready for the board meeting that would take place the following morning. Her thought had shifted to House a couple of times. Every time someone knocked at her door, she hoped it was him, maybe coming to apologize for the way he treated her. Not that she was mad at him, it was clear that something was wrong. She just wished he would seek help, for once, possibly in her, as she had done with him that night. She felt a bit like she owed him.
She had to pause her work when she was paged by a nurse in the clinic.
However, as soon as she reached it, she got a glimpse of House in the lobby. He was wearing his jacket, signing something. He was clearly ready to go home, although it was only 3.30.
Yep, something was seriously wrong. He had never left early, not since she had told him not to. She decided that whatever the nurse wanted could wait.
She quickly directed towards the lobby, to approach him before it was too late.
"House!" she called, watching him leave pretending he hadn't heard her. She speeded up her pace, although there was no real need to: he was limping.
"House, where are you going?!" she asked, catching up with him.
"Home. See you tomorrow" he said, without even turning back, nor stopping his walk.
Before he could go much further, she grabbed his arm and forced him to turn around.
"What is going on?" she asked again, in a whisper this time. She didn't want the whole lobby to hear what they were saying to each other. It would have done more harm than good anyway: House was still a very proud man.
He freed himself from her grasp on his arm, but didn't walk away. She was glad for that.
"My case is over. There's no reason why I should stay here" he replied flatly.
Cuddy sighed. She knew there was more. Usually, after he solved a case, he would still stick around at the hospital, in the cafeteria, with Wilson, or recently even with her. He would sit on her couch and play stupid games on his phone, randomly talk to her, or just watch some TV on the new little flat screen tv she had in her office. Once, she had pointed out that there was a bigger one in the doctors lounge, and he had answered that it was easier to annoy her if they were in the same room. She had shook her head, pretending to be annoyed, and he had smirked, pretending to believe he had told the truth, that he didn't just enjoy her company.
She was still thinking of how to ask the next question, but he didn't give her enough time.
"See ya" he said with a fake smile, and walked away.
She couldn't let him go like that.
"It's 3.30, you can't leave!" she shouted, hoping that it was enough to stop him, to make him turn around and talk to her.
He did stop, and turned around, but not to do what she expected.
He shot her a dark look, a mix between hurt and disappointed.
"Wanna fire me? Go ahead. I don't care" he said shrugging. Then resumed his walk, until he was out of sight.
Cuddy was too shocked to run after him. She stood there, frozen, for a few seconds, reflecting on what could be so wrong to make him pronounce those words. She had no intention to fire him. Once she had said that she would have if he had left early, but now she just couldn't. Too many things had happened since that day. She wasn't serious when a few seconds earlier she had told him he couldn't leave because it was just 3.30, but he didn't know that. For all he knew, she could have been serious. So whatever it was, this thing that was haunting him, it was so bad that it made him risk his job.
After she checked with the nurse in the clinic, the one that had paged her in the first place, Cuddy was going to get back to her paperwork, when someone poked on her shoulder. It was Chase.
"Is House with you?" he asked.
Cuddy frowned.
"He… went home. Ten minutes ago. Said he solved the case" she replied, folding her arms to her chest.
Chase mimicked her position, a puzzled look on his face.
"We didn't. The patients are dead. Both of them… but we still don't know what was wrong with them" he replied.
"What? Two patients? The file I gave you was only about one person"
"The sister got sick a day later with partially similar symptoms… we thought it was environmental and treated them both for ammonia poisoning. For him it was too late, he died last night… but for some reasons she died too, a couple of hours ago" he explained.
"So she had something else" Cuddy concluded.
Chase nodded.
"Well, I'll try to call House… the family has agreed to the autopsy. Thanks anyway" he said, taking out his phone from his coat pocket, then he walked away.
Cuddy put a hand in her hair. So she knew now why House was in such a bad mood today. He could become very grumpy when he lost a patient, but now he had lost two, and misdiagnosed one of them for sure, possibly the other one too.
That, however, didn't explain the cane.
A part of her wanted to leave him alone. Just because lately he had been exceptionally nice and friendly (if you could say that of him) especially with her, it didn't mean that he wasn't allowed to have his bad moments. There always was a dark side of him that would never go away.
Another part of her, though, was deeply worried. What if there was more than just dead patients? What if he was hiding something?
She decided she didn't want to leave him alone, not when he may have needed her. He would never admit this, but sometimes he needed people too.
The first thing she did, when she sat at her office desk again, was to call her babysitter to tell her that she needed to work overtime that evening.
Then, for the following two hours, Cuddy focused on her paperwork, her heart jumping in her chest every time she heard her phone vibrate. At every text, or call, she hoped it was House, but it was never him.
So, when all the things for the following morning were ready, she left her office and took her car. As she had originally planned (she knew he wasn't going to call her), she drove to House's apartment.
She was slightly relieved when, leaning on his door, she could hear a piano melody coming from the inside. For a moment, she was tempted to just go home and maybe talk to him tomorrow, but then she reconsidered it. She thought again about how he treated her in his office, earlier that day, o how he limped, or how he said he didn't care if she fired him.
She knocked, and in a matter of seconds, she heard the music stop, and House appeared in front of her. She couldn't help noticing how his eyes were red-rimmed, with pronounced bags under them. She hadn't noticed that before.
"Am I fired?" he asked.
"No… I just…"
"Okay… then why are you here?" he interrupted her, still not letting her inside. His mood hadn't improved much.
"I just wanted to see if everything's okay" she replied honestly.
"I'm fine, thanks for stopping by. Goodbye" he said flatly, starting to close the door.
She had to push with a hand against it, to avoid being shut out.
"House please! What's going on?" she asked, sounding much more pleading than she would have wished.
"I'm fine, I just want to be alone! What is not clear about that?"
Cuddy knew this part of him. He was trying to shut her out, both physically and emotionally. Clearly, the fact that he had lost two patients in the last 48 hours was getting to him harder than she thought. She looked up to meet his blue eyes. Once, years ago, she would have just given up and left. But right now she knew they could connect. She knew she could help him.
"Chase told me about your patients" she said softly "I'm just concerned, that's all"
"You don't have to be. I'm fine. I just need some time alone" he repeated, but this time without shutting the door. That gave her courage to try one more time.
"Please" she said "let me in"
She meant it in all the possible ways, and she knew he would understand it too.
He lowered his head and sighed. Another thing he knew was that she wasn't going to leave anytime soon, so he figured he could let her stay for a few minutes, just to show her he was really fine, and then she would go away.
"I guess I can be alone with you here" he finally said, moving aside to let her in. She smiled.
"I was playing something" he added, walking towards his piano.
She had a look around. Everything seemed fine. She started thinking that maybe she had imagined everything, maybe all he needed was really some time for himself.
They sat together on the piano bench. Cuddy watched him as his fingers ran over the white keys, as to caress them, and started pressing some of them, a sweet melody arising.
He was good at this. She was never an expert of music, nor an enthusiast, but she always enjoyed listening to him, just because it was his mind and his hands creating the tune.
She turned to look at him, how absorbed he was in the atmosphere, the way his whole body seemed to dance. He was incredible. She closed her eyes, letting the tension inside her body flow away with the notes he was playing.
It lasted a couple of minutes, and she was actually disappointed when she realized the music was over and she had to get back to reality.
"Not my best piece. It just helps me… unwind" he said.
"I liked it"
They just looked at each other for a few seconds.
She was about to go, he looked fine, she even wanted to apologize for the intrusion, when suddenly her gaze fell on his legs.
His hand was on his right thigh, rubbing delicately. He didn't even seem to notice.
It was a thing she had seen him doing thousands and thousands of times, when he was in pain, when he had his true leg.
The only explanation she could find was that he was experiencing phantom limb, which so many months after the amputation was an extremely uncommon phenomenon. She deducted one thing: the sensation had to be triggered by something.
Maybe he wasn't so fine after all.
"You seem in pain" she said softly.
House stood up abruptly, removing his hand from his thigh. "I'm fine"
She followed him with her eyes as he walked to the couch, when she saw something she was hoping she would never have to see again.
There, hidden between two cushions, she could spot a too familiar orange pill bottle. Her heart wrenched in her chest. Ibuprofen didn't come in those containers.