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Chapter Ten: The Ramblings of a Ranger of the North

Why did I agree to this?

Why oh why? It's dark, creepy, cold and Gimli keeps complaining about being perched on the back of Legolas' horse. All the men are asking where we are going, Legolas told me to ignore them so I am doing. Hopefully Theoden will come and say something intelligent.

"He leaves because he must."

Not near as intelligent as I anything I would have said, but I suppose it'll do.

"We cannot defeat the armies of Mordor!"

Soldiers are so over-dramatic. We all know that we can't defeat Mordor, but nobody is actually SAYING it out loud.

"No, we cannot. But we will meet them in battle, nonetheless."

I don't think Theoden quite gets the point that we are meant to be reassuring and saying 'you're all going to die' might not be the best way to do it. Talk about boosting moral. That was more of a 'kill as many of them before they kill you, which they inevitably will do' line. Legolas has a 'let's hope that they kill so many of us that they get depressed and stop' face on at the minute. Moody git.

"What kind of an army would linger in such a place?"

That's Gimli. I don't think he's quite understood what I'm searching for. A DEAD army that live in a MOUNTAIN, CURSED for all of TIME until they do something important. That's the kind of army that would live here. And I have to try and get them out of said mountain to do a bit more killing.

"One that is cursed. Long ago the Men of the Mountain swore an oath to the last King of Gondor to come to his aid, to fight, but when the time came, when Gondor's need was dire, they fled. Vanishing the darkness of the mountain. So Isildur cursed them never to rest until they had fulfilled their pledge."

I'm so sure that's what I just said. With a few longer words in it. We're coming up to the mouth of mountain, it looks absolutely awful. Wonder if Elrond will mind if I just leave the mountain spirits in peace and go off into the wilderness for a couple of decades living off roots and small animals? I have for the past however many years. And it's not like Middle Earth needs a King, they've survived this long without one. If you can call is surviving, with Boromir's barmy father running around.

"The very warmth of my blood is stolen away."

I don't want to know about your body, thank you, Gimli. Anyway what did you expect? A welcome mat?

"The way is shut. It was made by who are dead, and the Dead keep it. The way is shut."

Yes, thank you, I can read. You can't be King without knowing how to read. Gimli is an uncultured pleb and probably doesn't care what it says. Show off. Seriously, Legolas thinks he is the only one who can do anything around here.

This just gets better

The horses have buggered off. The only sane being around here was my horse and now he's run off and left me with the big-head and empty-head. Do we go in? Or stand around outside like gormless idiots? Let me just weigh the pros and cons of this situation

PROS: I would appear extremely manly

It would show that I am leader and therefore make all important decisions

It would suggest that I am braver than Legolas

Gandalf would finally have to recognise that I am King material

CONS: I might die

I think I'll stand around outside like a gormless idiot.

Why is Legolas looking at me?

Oh yeah, now you want to know what I think. You didn't care what I thought at Elrond's council, or in the mines, or at Galadrial's, or while we were fighting or at any point in between. This is just so that if he gets killed he can blame me for it. Hmm, Legolas might get killed/seriously injured. Does that go in the pros or cons list?

"I do not fear death." Now that was a manly line, my hair blowing around my face, brand new sword in my hand and certain death ahead of me. Come my loyal subjects, forward!