It was morning again at school. During break there was a sudden commotion outside the classroom. There were students running down the halls, all of them looking worried. One of them slammed open the door and shouted:
"There's an emergency! Yamamoto-kun's going to jump off the school roof!"
The classroom burst with shouts of disbelief.
"What!?"
"No way!"
Yamamoto-kun would never do that!"
"I'm serious!" the student exclaimed, "He stayed late after school to practice alone, but he overdid it and fractured his arm!"
'Stayed late…?' thought Chi. Before her thoughts could go any further, a pale Tsuna had grabbed at Chi's arm.
"Is…is it my fault?" he whispered.
"Tsuna, what exactly did you tell Yamamoto-san yesterday?"
As he quietly explained that he told Yamamoto-san to work harder to raise his batting average, the class quickly deserted the room.
"Sawada-kun!" Kyoko called out, "Let's go!"
"A-ah! W-we'll catch up!" he stuttered back. Chi gave Tsuna a curious look, he grimaced and they both ran to the roof, following the crowd of students.
As soon as the two stepped onto the roof, Tsuna pulled Chi behind the entrance building.
"I never should have said those things in the first place!" he tugged at his hair, "I don't even work hard! I'm a hypocrite!"
"Tsuna, as much as I'd like to help calm you down right now, can I remind you that we're kind of short on time?" Chi warned.
"She's right, you know," said a voice from behind us.
They turned around to find Reborn pointing a gun at Tsuna, "If you want to help Yamamoto, don't run."
Chi flinched, but Tsuna was quick enough to pull her away and drag the both of them into the crowd. Unfortunately, Tsuna ran into another student and they ended up skidding across the roof and stopping a few feet away from Yamamoto. When Tsuna and Chi managed to gather their bearings, they started to panic. Mainly because Tsuna was in Yamamoto's line of sight and Chi was in front of a crowd of people.
"Tsuna, Chi," Yamamoto said, turning to look at the boy on the ground, "If you guys came here to stop me, don't. You of all people should understand how I feel."
"Eh?" They replied.
"They call you, 'Loser Tsuna', and, 'Freak', you guys must know how it feels when everything goes wrong and you think you'd be better off dead, right?"
Chi was shaking and trembling, her arms pressed against her middle. She knew exactly how Yamamoto felt.
A failure, a disgrace, useless.
Everything and everyone would be so much better off if you were dead.
And standing at the edge of a high building felt relieving, almost liberating. The same way those sharp razorblades had felt against her skin…
Chi shook her head to clear those thoughts. She forced herself to take deep breaths to calm her frantic heartbeat while Tsuna spoke to Yamamoto.
"Y-Yamamoto-kun…I…we're different…" Tsuna trailed off. That didn't seem to be the reply Yamamoto wanted or expected, as he glared at the two.
"So what? Just because things are looking up for you guys, now you think you guys are some big shots? Is that how it is? Now you guys do everything right?" His voice was rising.
"N-No!" Tsuna shouted, "It's because we are losers! We've never invested our lives into anything like you, Yamamoto-kun! I…I just wanted to cheer you up, to-to help you so I said things about working hard, when I've never worked hard at anything!"
Tsuna let out a heavy breath and bowed his head, "E-everything I said was just…I'm sorry!"
"Unlike you, I've never felt angry enough that I wanted to die or kill myself…" Tsuna confessed, "I've never felt anything like that."
"I mean, I'm a loser. I really only look back at my life when I'm facing my own death, I think about all the things I wanted to do, things I wish I'd done…but this…it's not worth taking your life." Tsuna sighed, 'Th-that's why I can't understand…I'm sorry."
Taking in a slow breath, Chi hesitantly stepped forward, her lungs feeling as if they were being crushed.
"Yamamoto-san," she began, her voice quiet but clear, "I understand that baseball is important to you, but is it really worth killing yourself?"
Yamamoto stayed silent.
Feeling some glares on her back, Chi swallowed and looked down at her feet, "I'm not saying that you aren't allowed to be upset, no one has the right to tell you otherwise, but...think about the people that care about you."
Yamamoto turned his head.
"If you die…everyday everyone here will wonder what they could've done," she explained, "There will always be one empty seat at the table, and your family will accidentally make food for you or wait for you to come home from school," Chi's breathing became short and panicked as the glares felt heavier.
"When they remember that you won't be there to eat the food, and won't be coming home, when your parents pass by your room, or your friends walk by your seat..." she took in another shaky, pained breath, continuing to stare at the floor, "They'll be sad, because they'll remember you're not there anymore..."
Chi paused and clenched her eyes shut, clutching at her shirt as if it were her lifeline while her stomach tied itself into excruciatingly tight knots.
"No one is going to be upset with you for not being able to perform your best, Yamamoto-san, they just want you to be okay, everyone is here because they're worried, they don't want you to go away, they don't want you to leave," she coughed to clear her throat, "They want you to stay, to be here, to keep smiling and to keep having fun with them, they want you to be happy..."
She stopped speaking when the lump in her throat became too thick. Chi's breaths had become weak and broken as she stood there, knees trembling and knocking into each other as her shirt strained against her grip, her knuckles had gone white.
"Chi, have you…" Yamamoto murmured, his amber eyes taking in the girl's frail figure.
Tsuna and Chi, having said what they believed was needed, turned to run to the roof entrance.
"Ah, wait-!" Yamamoto reached for the back of Tsuna's collar and pulled him back. The two fell back and the part of the fence Yamamoto was standing against broke off.
Chi quickly turned around, her eyes widening. Without hesitation, she ran towards the pair and reached for Yamamoto's wrist, twisting around to toss them away from the edge. As the two stumbled back, Chi felt her foot slip and she suddenly felt her body leaving the roof.
Before she completely fell over the edge, her eyes met with the terrified amber-brown of Yamamoto and the horrified golden honey of Tsuna. She felt relief rush through her veins as she closed her eyes, the adrenaline finally running out and she passed out, but not before hearing a faint gunshot and someone screaming her name.
Once Chi became aware, she twitched her fingers, feeling a rough fabric under her hands. She felt exhausted, everything was sore. Chi turned her head and felt a soft cushion brush against her cheek.
"...Chi? Are you awake?"
She groaned quietly in response.
"Ah, we should probably get the nurse, huh Tsuna?"
"W-wait, she's waking up!"
"Hmm?" Chi opened her eyes, her vision blurry, "Tsuna...? Y-Yamamoto-san?"
"Chi! A-Are you feeling okay?!" Tsuna shouted, "We're in the nurse's office, and school's over so we could head home as soon as you're better."
Chi winced while shifting around and took in a deep breath, "Are...you guys...okay?"
"Wha-!" Tsuna spluttered, "You fell off a building and almost died! And you're asking us if we're okay?!"
"..." Chi blinked, "Are you?"
Tsuna face-palmed and flopped over his friend's bed, pressing his face into the blanket.
"Haha," Yamamoto chuckled, "Tsuna, Chi, you guys are awesome."
"Huh?" Tsuna replied sitting up. Chi tried not to panic as she faced the tall teen.
"You're right," said Yamamoto, "I should give it my all, like my life depends on it. Thanks for worrying about me, you guys."
He let out a sheepish laugh, "I don't know what got into me. There's no telling what an idiot like me might do when I'm depressed."
Chi sighed as the two boys laughed, feeling relieved that Tsuna and Yamamoto were both safe.
"Ah, sh-should we get the nurse?" Tsuna looked around worriedly. Yamamoto tilted his head, thinking.
"Hey Tsuna," he asked, "Do you mind getting her? I kinds want to talk to Chi alone, if that's okay..." he looked down at the girl in the bed.
The two glanced at each other and Chi nodded hesitantly. Tsuna reluctantly left the baseball player and his best friend alone.
"Chi..." Yamamoto said in a serious tone, "About what you said earlier, did you...I mean," he used his free hand and ran it through his short black hair, "Have you felt like that before? It...seemed like you were speaking from experience..."
Chi felt her heart drop down to her stomach. But she swallowed and let topaz meet amber, and spoke with the utmost honesty, "You're important to many people, Yamamoto-san, I didn't want you to feel as if you were alone."
Chi had found herself sitting on the cold, tiled floor of her bathroom. Her chest felt heavy and she couldn't feel her hands. Chi looked around and rested her gaze on her lap. She squinted, a bright light temporarily blinding her.
'W-what's going on…?' she thought. Her blurry eyesight had somewhat cleared, allowing her to focus on what it was she was holding so tightly.
It was a small package of razorblades. The box itself was next to her thigh and laying on its side, the small blades spilling out across the tiles. In her right hand, Chi was holding one tight enough that it had left a deep cut in her palm.
For some reason, she loosened her grip.
Her hand began to move, bringing the small, shiny blade closer and closer to her stomach while her left hand lifted her shirt. The sharp edge slowly dug into the skin of her abdomen, the deep red blood quickly boiling to the surface…
Chi shot straight up in her bed, breathing heavily. Panting, she placed her forehead on her hand.
Getting her breathing under control, Chi lifted her shirt and brushed her fingers across her stomach.
Thin, silvery-like scars ran from one side of her pelvis to the other. She remembered how deep or shallow each cut was. She remembered how she'd sit in the bathtub and lean against the wall, staring at the trickling blood streaming down the side of her leg and down the drain. And she remembered how calm she felt after every incision she made, how relaxing it was to just watch it all flow away...
She sighed and looked over at the clock on her nightstand.
Three in the morning.
She flopped back on her bed, and turned to stare at her cell phone on the same nightstand, contemplating about whether or not to call Tsuna.
Chi let out a quiet, aggravated sigh.
It had been about a year since she had last cut herself, and she promised herself not to do it anymore, for the sake of her parents, Tsuna and his family, even if they would never know. Chi had never cut her wrists, but she did cut at her thighs, and a few times on her stomach, to make it easier to hide.
She wasn't proud of what she had done. But everyone has their moments of weakness and sometimes, the sharp, agonizing pain from a tiny blade was her only source of relief.
Chi clutched her blanket and picked up the cell phone, flipping it open and called Tsuna.
Riiing Riiing Riiing Rii-
"Ngh…hello…?" came Tsuna's groggy voice.
"Tsuna?" she whispered, "I'm sorry for waking you up."
"Mnn, it's fine," he said, sounding a little more awake, "Were you having trouble sleeping again?"
"Y-yeah…" Chi replied quietly, "Can…can I…come over?"
Tsuna let out a stifled yawn, "Yeah sure, but, are you sure you don't want me to come over to your place?"
"I'm sure, besides, I woke you up, I shouldn't make you walk all the way to my house."
He gave a sleepy chuckle, "You're only a few houses away, it's not far at all."
Chi frowned, "I'm going over to your house, no ifs, ands, or buts."
They both laughed quietly. Tsuna gave the okay and hung up. Grabbing her jacket, Chi quietly walked downstairs to write a note and left it on her bedroom door so her mother would see it in the morning.
Putting on her grey jacket and sneakers, Chi quickly left the house and walked in a fast pace to Tsuna's.
Upon reaching her destination, Tsuna was already opening the door, and led her towards the kitchen, giving her a warm cup of tea. They both went into the living room and sat down on the couch, wrapping a thick blanket that Tsuna brought from his room around themselves. They didn't talk, just took in each others' company. Chi barely drank half of her cup before the two nodded off, leaning against each other.
'Please, no more nightmares, at least not tonight,' she thought.
The next morning Tsuna and Chi woke up around nine, fortunately, it was a Sunday.
"Any nightmares, Chi?" Tsuna asked. She shook her head.
"None, I didn't dream of anything, you?" Seeing Tsuna's face flush a bit, Chi immediately retracted her question, "Nevermind, I don't think I want to know."
After agreeing that they were both feeling a little lazy today, Chi decided to go home, giving Nana and Reborn a 'good morning' and a 'goodbye' before leaving.
When Chi left, Tsuna let out a large sigh. For the ten to eleven years he's known her, Chi had always suffered from constant nightmares. What's worse was that they had only gotten even more disturbing the last two years, fortunately, she didn't cry as much as she used to whenever she woke up from one.
"No-good Tsuna."
Tsuna flinched.
"Oof!" He grunted when Reborn kicked him in the shoulder, "Wh-what was that for?"
"You weren't dreaming about Sasagawa Kyoko. Were you?" he asked.
'H-how'd he know?' thought Tsuna.
"I overheard your conversation."
Tsuna shivered then pouted at the thought of an infant wielding a mallet twice his size. Reborn, being the mind-reading hitman that he is, kicked his student in the back.
"Don't insult your elders," he scolded.
"What elders? All I see is baby in front of me!" argued Tsuna.
"You were dreaming about Chi, weren't you?"
Tsuna felt his face getting warm. But not from embarrassment.
Yes, he did dream about his best friend, but it wasn't anything good. For in his dream, Chi was crying. It was in a dark room, and the young girl was on her knees. Chi's hands had covered her tear-stained face and a dark, red liquid was running down her arms.
Tsuna frowned, he wasn't sure what that could mean. He had never seen any markings on Chi's arms other than bruises and the occasional burn.
He shook his head. Chi would never resort to that…
…right?
Stepping inside her home, Chi's senses were hit with the delicious smell of breakfast.
Grilled mackerel with rice and a cup of green tea, her favorite.
Chi was obviously biased, but who could complain when she believed that her mother made the best broiled fish, with the perfect amount of salt and grilled flavor.
Chi felt her self begin to drool.
"Good morning, sweetie!" her mother greeted, "How was your late night sleepover?"
"It was nice," she replied, "That reminds me, I need to change my bedding."
"Oh?" Makoto asked, "Was it too hot in your room last night?"
"Just a bit," she admitted.
"Well then, we can do that when we're cleaning the house today!" her mother exclaimed, "Sit down Chi-sweetheart, breakfast is just about done!"
'Mmm,' thought Chi, breathing in the smell of grilled fish and sighing happily.
Later that evening, when Chi was reading in her room, Tsuna called to tell her everything that had happened to him today.
"H-hold on, Tsuna!" she stuttered, "Slow down!"
He took a few breaths, "Sorry, Chi…it's just, today was the most horrible day of my life!"
Chi let out a breath as she leaned against her headboard, placing the book she was reading in her lap, "It's okay, just start over, and start speaking slowly. We have time."
As he was explaining, his voice would get squeaky and he'd start talking faster, Chi periodically asking him to slow down.
"Um, okay," she rubbed her forehead, "Let's see if I got everything: Reborn-san interrupted your manga-time, telling you he invited Sasagawa-san over as a thank you for getting him coffee."
"Uh huh."
"Then your mom came in and started teasing you about being a clumsy, no-good teenager."
"In front of the girl I like."
"In front of the girl you like," repeated Chi, feeling a foreign emotion that made her lungs to feel as if they collapsed for a few seconds, she cleared her throat, "then he set up a game of Russian Roulette after your mom left."
"Uh huh."
"And when it was Sasagawa-san's turn, there was an actual bullet in the gun, and she shot it in her head."
"Yeah, and it was a Dying Will bullet."
"Okay, so it made her go into that 'Dying Will Mode', and she went down into the kitchen and threatened your mom into apologizing."
Tsuna sighed before answering, "Y-yeah…"
"Then Reborn-san took out a giant mallet and hit Sasagawa-san causing the bullet to come flying out of her head which then led to her becoming unconscious and she was taken home by Reborn-san."
"Yeah…"
"You're holding something back, Tsuna." she heard him fall over from whatever it was he was sitting on.
"H-how'd you know!"
"Think about how long we've known each other, Tsuna."
"O-oh, right…"
"I heard you fall, you okay?"
"Yeah, I'm fine…"
"Now what are you hiding?"
"E-eh…" Chi then heard him drop his head against a hard surface, most likely his desk, "Kyoko-chan totally rejected me!"
Chi blinked, sitting up straight, she replied simply, "Eh?"
"My mom was just teasing by saying Kyoko-chan was a good girlfriend and when she was harassing my mom, she told her to take it back!"
"I see…" Chi mumbled, "Well, maybe she didn't necessarily mean to sound like that, Tsuna."
He began crying over the phone.
"Eh! Ah, Tsu-Tsuna!" Chi panicked, her free arm was held up near the phone, trembling, "Don't-don't cry, I-I'm supposed to be the one crying, I'm the girl here…"
Ring Ri-Click
"Oh? It's rare for you to call me, Michael," said Reborn.
"I'm coming tomorrow around noon, maybe," answered Michael.
"'Maybe'?"
"It'd depend on whether I'm getting another mission or not, just make sure she's ready."
Click