THE LEGEND OF ZELDA OCARINA OF TIME PT: III
Chapter 10- Late Hours
Darunia: Thank you for saving my people.
Skull Kid: No problem.
Navi: Hey Zack! You really should head to Zora's Domain.
Zack: Why should I listen to you? You've almost got us killed!
Navi: (I'm the one who saved you from that cage!) Just trust me.
Gozz: Don't listen to that preppy pixie. Go wherever you want.
Pyra: Zack, I wanna see Zora's Domain! I've never seen water before in my life!
Zack quickly tries to hide his need to please Pyra
Zack: Navi's right! We definitely need to go check on the Zora's!
Pyra: Right on!
Skull Kid:…
Link: Brother, would it be ok if we had supper at your place?
Zack rounds on Link
Zack: What are you doing? We need to go to Zor…
Darunia: I'd be honored!
Zack: Nah! It's ok! Were not even really hungry!
Darunia: No I insist! The Goron's would very much enjoy it to see who killed the terrible Volvagia and saved their lives.
Zack: Whatever…
Link: Hurrah! Now I can spend more time with my brothers!
Gozz: You're so gay Link! He smashes him in the back of the head with his hammer
Link faints
Zack: Oh no! Link has been seriously hurt! The only way we can save him is to go to the doctor at Zora's Domain!
Gozz: Definitely!
Darunia: Nonsense! Our surgeon, Douglass can fix him up in a second! Come now…time's-a-wastin! He puts his arm around Gozz and walks him up the mountain
Zack: Let's just get this over with… He marches after Darunia with Pyra hot on his heels
Skull Kid: Ah man! He picks up Link Why do I always have to carry the trash?
They reach Goron city and have supper with Darunia and the Gorons while Douglass (the surgeon) patches up Link
Pyra: Zack baby, could you pass me that delightful looking plate of biscuits?
Zack: Sure thing! He grabs a plate of bread and passes it to her
Pyra: Mmm! This bread is delicious!
Darunia: Thank you! Our chefs work late hours making these exotic wheat products.
Gozz: Wow! This Goron Gatorade isn't bad either! He chugs it
Darunia: Thank you! Our juicers work late hours making these exotic beverages.
Skull Kid: This steak is phenomenal! How do you make it?
Darunia: Thank you! Our meat men work late hours cutting up poor defenseless animals.
Zack: You didn't even answer his question!
Darunia: Thank you! Our English and grammar professors work late hours inventing new sentences for me to speak.
Everyone:…
Goron 1: Oh Darunia! Can we pray to the heroes yet?
Darunia: Shut your fat mouth you big titty baby! You will speak when spoken to!
Goron 1: Yes master…
Zack: Okay…He tries a bit of mashed potatoes pretty good! What's in this stuff?
Darunia: The mashed potatoes are made of ground up Dodongo stomachs with powdered Goron sperm. Our sperm donors work late hours yanking their Chiko-sticks to produce this lovely tasting vegetable!
Zack gags and pushes his plate away
Pyra: In a panicked voice Whoa! What's in the bread!
Darunia: I'm glad you asked! Our bread is simple enough, just ground Stalfo bones and Zora eyeball juice for jelly! Our Goron assassins work late hours kidnapping baby Zora's to produce this delightful jam!
Pyra rushes from the table to the restrooms
Pyra: Where's the girls room!
Darunia: What's a girl?
Pyra: Never mind! She runs in
Gozz: Don't tell me the Goron Gatorade is nasty to…
Darunia: Silly boy. The Goron Gatorade is anything but nasty. The making of it is an ancient tradition. First we Gorons run up and down the mountain 10 times. Then we wipe off all our sweat into a container. This container then is taken to the flavor factory wear the sweat is mixed with kiwi and salt to increase it's flavor. Our Goron marathon runners work late hours to produce this scrumptious drink!
Gozz turns to his side and violently throws up all over Goron 1's face
Goron 1: Oh yes! Vomit from a hero! I must digest! He starts licking his face trying to drink the juice
Zack: Uhh…I think I'm gonna be sick…
Goron 2: Don't hog the sacred barf! Brothers, we all must bask in it!
A bunch of Gorons tackle Goron 1 and start licking and sucking his face, each trying to swallow more barf then the other
Gozz: Sick bastards…He wipes his mouth on a napkin
Skull Kid: What's the steak?
Darunia: Ahh! The steak! We Goron's hunt down nasty ugly skull kids and slit their throats! Then we chop off their privates and mix them with cow patties to create a truly tasty paste! Then we add hamburger and voila, Instant delicious steak! Our highly trained skull kid neuterers work late hours to produce this one-of-a-kind steak!
Skull Kid is shaking with rage
Zack: Whoa! Calm down! Take it out on Link!
Skull Kid: In a menacing voice Why should…I…take it out…on Link?
Zack: Because Link told the Goron's how to make the steak!
Skull Kid: Really?
Zack: Cross my heart and hope to die.
Skull Kid: IM GONNA SAUTAMIZE LINK WITH A PITCHFORK! He summons a pitchfork and runs to the doctors office
Zack: I don't wanna miss the show! He runs after Skull Kid
Skull Kid bursts into the doctors office with Zack right behind him
Skull Kid: WHERES LINK!
Douglass: Muhk,yuhk…In a rush to see your loved one? Muhk, yuhk…I can understand…But he's not entirely stable yet…muhk, yuhk, so you'll have to wait outside until I finish the skull repair…muhk yuhk…
Skull Kid shoves by Douglass
Douglass: Hey? Did you muhk, yuhk, here what I said?
Skull Kid stares down at defenseless unconscious Link
He starts laughing evilly
He rolls Link over and lifts the pitchfork high into the air
Douglass: Muhk, yuhk! What're you doing muhk, yuhk?
Zack is holding back laughter
Skull Kid: DIE! He plunges the pitchfork into Link's behind
Link: GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
! He jumps up and tries to pull it out of his rectum
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! HELP MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
Zack howls with laughter
Gozz comes over
Gozz: What are you laughing at….He sees Link and explodes in laughter OH MY GOD! HOW THE? HAHAHAHA! HE HAS A PITCHFORK UP HIS ASS!
Douglass: MUHK, YUHK! WHAT HAVE YOU MUHK, YUHK DONE! NOW I HAVE TO REMOVE A SHARP OBJECT FROM HIS MUHK, YUHK BUM BUM!
Link is running around in circles screaming bloody murder
The "barf licking" Gorons come in
Goron 1: Oh look! Blood from a hero! We must digest!
The Gorons pounce on Link and slurp up his blood
Link: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!GET OFF MEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
The Gorons hold him down and bathe him in spit
Zack and Gozz are lying on the floor crying from laughter
Pyra walks in
Pyra: Oh my god what the heck was that noise? She sees Link HAHAHAHA! What an idiot!
Douglass starts laughing too
10 minutes later
Douglass: Muhk, yuhk, funniest thing I've ever seen in my muhk, yuhk life…
The barf licking Gorons get off Link and leave
Link: Oh…my…how'd it get there…get it out…get it out…He moans and falls on the floor bawling
Skull Kid: That's what you get…He walks away
Douglass: It'll take me 4 muhk, yuhk hours to remove that.
Gozz: Don't worry! I got it! He walks over to Link and grabs the handle
Link: What are you doing?...Noo…
Gozz yanks it out
Link: WAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH! IM GONNA DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEE! RAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!
Douglass: Enough muhk, yuhk of that…He stabs Link in the arm with a heavy dose of anesthesia
Link collapses to the floor unconscious
Zack: Well we gotta hurry to check on the Zora's…We don't have time to sit here and wait for Link.
Pyra: Let's go now! She pulls on his arm
Zack: Alright.
Zack, Pyra, Gozz and Skull Kid head down the mountain
Navi: Don't forget me!
They eventually make it to Kakariko
Gozz: It's pretty late…Are we gonna sleep at my place again?
Zack: I guess…
They walk to Gozz's house
Gozz: What the heck?
Someone is banging on the door from inside
Gozz: Who's in my house?
…:You call this a house! Let me outta here!
Skull Kid: It's Saria!
Pyra: Saria? Her eyes grow dark Zack do you know this Saria?
Zack: whispering to her Not really, we just met…She's um…Gozz's girl…
Pyra: Oh, ok!
Gozz unlocks the door
Saria comes flying out of the door and tackles him
Saria: I've been trapped in there forever! Think it's funny to make me wait?
She slaps him across the face
Gozz: Ugh!
Zack: Hm…I just had a déjà vu…
Saria: Looky here! It's Zack! Looks like you got a hot new girl Zack!
Zack: Yeah…I do. What do you care?
Saria: Because you cheated on me for Malon you bastard!
Pyra: You used to be with this girl?
Zack: Um…
Saria: He still is with me! We never "officially" broke-up.
Zack: In your dreams! Look at you! You don't mean anything to me you stupid little elf! I got a real girl now! I never even liked you! You just claimed me as "yours" since I was freakin 5 years old and I didn't know better!
Saria: How dare you walk out on me!
Zack: I NEVER WALKED IN ON YOU!
Saria: You son of a…She swings at his face
Zack: Enough He catches her arm Consider this your "official" break up. He shoves her to the ground
Navi: How can you be so heartless? She's flying around in her bottle like crazy She loved you!
Saria: Wahh! She cries I hate you! She runs away
Zack: I DON'T GIVE A…
Skull Kid: Zack…
Zack: WHAT! WHAT COULD YOU POSSIBLY WANT THAT IS SO IMPORTANT?
Skull Kid: Look behind you…
Zack spins around and sees Malon
Malon: What is all this racket? Oh hi Zack! She walks over
Zack: Umm…Malon aren't you supposed to be at the ranch?
Malon: Yeah right! I'm 19! I don't live with my dad! He's still working there with Ingo. He said he wanted to see you.
Zack: Ok…I'll head right over there! Bye Malon!
Malon: Who's that? She sees Pyra
Zack: She's…um…that is…
Pyra: I'm his sister!
Malon: Oh! Pleasure to meet you! I'll see you later She kisses Zack and walks away
Zack: Uh-oh…
Pyra: I TRIED TO COVER FOR YOU AND YOU GO AND KISS HER!
Zack: Not again…Listen she kissed me! I was caught completely off guard!
Pyra calms down
Pyra: Oh all right…you do have a point…Let's go to that ranch like she said before she comes looking for you again.
Zack: Good idea…
They leave Kakariko and head to Lon Lon Ranch
They eventually reach the ranch
Zack: I wonder what he wants…
Pyra: Whatever. I'm tired and I'm going to bed… She walks into the closest building
Skull Kid: He's probably in there…He points to the biggest building
Zack: Let's check
They go in
They see Talon sleeping
Gozz: RISE AND SHINE LARD ASS!
Talon awakens with a jolt
Talon: Who the hell are you? What do you want?
Zack: What do you want? Malon told me you wanted to talk to me.
Talon: You came for the farm! You'll never take it! NEVER! He grabs a rake I WONT GO WITHOUT A FIGHT!
Gozz: What are you talking about?
Talon: BACK! TAKE ONE MORE STEP AND I'LL… He looks at Zack Oh hello Zack! What brings you here?
Zack: You bring me here! What do you want?
Talon: Oh yes! Now I remember! I needed to tell you… He looks over at Gozz and Skull Kid I can't tell you with them here.
Zack: Why not?
Talon: There not ready yet…
Zack rolls his eyes
Zack: Could you guys wait outside?
Gozz: Whatever… He and Skull Kid leave
Zack: So…What do you want?
Talon: Wait here for a minute. He walks upstairs
Zack: This better be good…
Talon comes back downstairs
Zack: What the?
Talon is dressed in a black shirt, black boots, black pants and gloves, and a black trench coat. He also has black sunglasses on
Zack: What's with the Gothic look and why the heck are you wearing sunglasses at night?
Talon: Ah questions…I could tell you but The Oracle is more fit to answer you…
Zack: Oracle?
Talon: Come with me…He leads Zack upstairs
He heads into a room and slams the door in Zack's face
Zack: Wha…?
Ingo comes upstairs
Ingo: Before you go in…Let me give you one piece of advice…Be honest, he knows more than you can imagine
Zack: Whatever He walks in
He is in a very dark room
Talon is staring out the window as a thunderstorm forms outside
He turns and sees Zack
Talon: At last, welcome Neo, as you no doubt have guessed…I am Smurfius.
Zack: First off my names Zack.
Smurfius: I have been waiting for this talk for a long time…
Zack: sarcastically It's an honor to meet you. He holds out his hand and they shake
Smurfius: No, the honor is mine. Please, sit. He directs Zack to a chair and Zack sits down
Smurfius: I imagine that right now you are feeling a bit like Michael Jackson, playing with little boys in your bed.
Zack: Bewildered You…could say that…
Smurfius: I can see it in your eyes. You have the look of a man who accepts what he sees because he is expecting to wake up.
Zack: How can you see anything with those sunglasses on? Its pitch black in here!
Smurfius ignores his comments
Smurfius: Ironically this is not far from the truth…Do you believe in Santa Zack?
Zack: No…
Smurfius: Why not?
Zack: Because I don't like the idea of a fat guy clogging up chimneys.
Smurfius steps forward
Smurfius: I know exactly what you mean He sits Let me tell you why you're here. You are here because you know something. What you know you can't explain. But you feel it. You've felt it your entire life. That there's something wrong with the world. You don't know what it is, but it's there, like a young black man in the PGA tour. Driving you mad. It is this feeling that has brought you to me.
Zack stares dumbfounded at "Smurfius"
Smurfius: Do you know what I'm talking about?
Zack takes a wild guess
Zack: The…Triforce?
Smurfius: Do you want to know what it is?
Zack nods
Smurfius: Jehovah Witnesses are everywhere…
Zack: What does that have to do with the Triforce?
Smurfius ignores him again
Smurfius: They're all around us, even now in this very room…
Zack looks at a pile of steaming hot cucoo crap and shivers, imagining them hiding in it
Smurfius: You can see them when you look out your window, or when you turn on your television. You can feel them when you go to work, when you go to church, when you pay your taxes…AND YOU CANT GET AWAY FROM THEM WHEN THEY DECIDE TO TRY TO GET YOU TO JOIN THEIR CHURCH! He calms down They are the wool that is pulled over your eyes to blind you from the truth.
Zack: What truth?
Smurfius: That you are a slave Zack, like everyone else you were born into bondage, forced by your girlfriend into a prison that you can not see in, or feel in. A prison for your male reproductive organs
Zack: You don't mean…!
Smurfius: Yes. A latex condom. He suddenly forgets what he just said and babbles on Unfortunately, no one can be told what the Jehovah Witnesses are…He pulls out a small silver case You have to see them for yourself He empties the case into his hands and leans forward This is your last chance. After this there is no turning back He opens his left hand which has a blue pill in it You take the blue pill, and you'll learn about the missing piece of the Triforce, but you'll be doomed to be a Jehovah Witness for life He opens his other hand which has a red pill in it You take the red pill and you don't learn about the Triforce but you'll never be bothered by Jehovah Witnesses again
Zack sighs
Zack: How can I possibly choose? I want to learn about the Triforce but there's no way in hell I'm gonna be a Jehovah Witness!
Navi: Do you want to learn about the Triforce or not?
Zack: I guess I must…Suddenly he grins and grabs both pills
Smurfius: You can only take one…
Zack swallows them both
Zack: What now?
Smurfius: Follow me He walks back downstairs and slams the door in his face
Zack: Again? He opens the door and walks in
Smurfius is dressed as Talon again
Zack: What the heck? Are you Smurfius or Talon?
Smurfius/Talon: Who's Smurfius? This isn't the Matrix!
Zack: Well you sure as hell could've fooled me.
Talon: See these 3 cucoos? He points to his lap which has 3 cucoos in it
Zack: Yeah…
Talon: There Super Cucoos! And they require capitalization!
Zack: So? GET TO YOUR FREAKIN POINT!
Talon: I'm gonna have you open that door over there and when you do hundreds of cucoos are gonna come out. Your gonna try to find the 3 Super Cucoos in the pack of normal cucoos!
Zack: Why?
Talon: Cuz it'll be fun that's why!
Zack: Forget this! You've wasted to much of my time…I'm outta here…
Talon: Wait! If you win I'll tell you all about the missing piece of the Triforce!
Zack: You better not be lying…
Talon: Me lie? Nonsense! That's preposterous! That's like some fat guy dressing up as Morpheous!
Zack: …
Talon: Do we got a deal?
Zack: Deal
Talon: Now go open the door
Zack walks over and opens the door
Hundreds and thousands of cucoos fly out and trample Talon
Talon: Uhhh…He pants as blood pours out his belly from the cucoo claws I don't think I'm gonna…make it… He falls down motionless.
Zack: HURRY! TELL ME ABOUT THE MISSING PIECE OF THE TRIFORCE!
Talon: The missing piece…of the Triforce…is…
Zack: WHAT!
Talon: missing…He dies
Zack: NO! REALLY? I DIDN'T KNOW THAT! THANKS A LOT! He kicks Talons skull in
Cucoos: Murderer! They're eyes glow red and they march towards Zack
Zack: How am I a murderer? The guy was already dead! You guys are the one's that killed him!
Cucoos: Destroy the intruder! Red lasers shoot from their eyes
Zack: HOLY MOSES! He runs out of the building and slams the door shut
Zack: Guys…you won't believe what just…He looks around but Gozz and Skull Kid are nowhere to be seen
Zack: Where'd you guys go?
Malon: Hi!
Zack: Where did my crew go?
Malon: Oh them? They went over to the guest room. They got tired of waiting for you.
Zack: What are you doing here?
Malon: I just wanted to make sure everything was ok. My dad can be a bit unpredictable at times.
Zack: No kidding…
Malon: Hey Zack…Remember way back when you first came here?
Zack thinks about making out with her
Zack: Yeah! Good times!
Malon: Remember the song I taught you?
Zack: Oh…That… Yeah, what about it?
Malon: I re-wrote it. It's now called "The Malon Melody" cuz I made it.
Zack: woo…
Malon: Do you want to here it?
Zack, who was obviously wanting to do different things, shrugged
Malon: It goes like this…She whispers in his ear
Zack: Ooh! I like it!
Malon: You do?
Zack: Oh your talking about the song? I was talking about…
Malon stares at him
Zack: Um…What was I saying? Of course I like the song! Almost as much as I like you!
Malon: Mmm…Will you play it for me?
Zack: Been awhile since I played this thing…He pulls out his ocarina and plays the song
The ground starts shaking
Zack: Whoa! What's that song do?
Malon: It calls all kinds of animals! Not just Epona.
Zack: Oh great…Jungle, farm, forest, desert, and artic animals charge out of nowhere and trample Zack
Zack: Uhh…Just like Talon…
Malon: What?
Zack hops to his feet
Zack: Nothing! What the?
A single beam of light shines down at them threw the storm clouds
Zack: Ahh! It's a UFO! There gonna abduct us and perform all kinds of twisted experiments on us! They'll rip our teeth out and…
Malon: Look!
Zack looks up and sees a heavenly figure in a white robe descend from the clouds
Zack: Huh?
The figure's back is facing them
Mystery Man: I am Jesus. You called?
Zack: Jesus isn't an animal! What kind of song did you invent?
Malon: I don't know this hasn't happened before…
Jesus: Zack, I come with information on the missing piece of the Triforce…
Zack: TELL ME!
Jesus: First a little review… I assume you know Farore is the Goddess of Courage, Din of Power and Nayru of Wisdom?
Zack: Yeah…
Jesus: There was another goddess…Her name was Vegas, the goddess of luck. While Din created the earth, and Farore created life, and Nayru created the law, Vegas created things that were not so noticeable, such as ESP, luck and spirits. Eventually, the other 3 goddesses got annoyed that she was doing so little and kicked her off the planet. Originally, the Triforce was called the Tetraforce, 3 golden triangles and a silver one in the middle. Once Vegas was banished, they simply removed her piece of the Triforce and cast it away.
Zack: Where is it?
Jesus: That's the question isn't it? And it can't really be answered. You see, unlike the Triforce which is sealed away in a sacred place, the other piece of it is simply moving from place to place as people find it, steal it, and sell it museums. It's location is tough to pinpoint because by the time your sure you know where it's at, when you get there it's already gone…
Zack: Could you tell me where it's at right now?
Jesus: Yes…It's in Ganondorf's castle.
Zack: Great…How the hell am I supposed to get in there?
Jesus: You can't…yet. It's true your hook-shot isn't long enough to reach it but by the time you have all 7 medallions you'll have the right equipment to reach it quite easily. But that's not the problem.
Zack: What is it?
Jesus: Two of Ganondorf's men…Darth Marth and his brother Roy The Boy, are not to happy with the way they are being bossed around. They may attempt to steal it and if they do then they'll be out of Hyrule in the blink of an eye.
Zack: Isn't the only way out of Hyrule threw the Lost Woods?
Jesus: That's the main way, although there are several others, it's the easiest, fastest, and safest one.
Zack: Well this is Ganondorf were talking about! Wouldn't he just kill them if they tried to steal it?
Jesus: You'd be surprised… These two are Ganondorf's right hand men, his generals. They are not some weak pushovers like Phantom Ganon or Volvagia. Both of them could probably easily hold of Ganondorf long enough to escape. Once they're out of Hyrule and are beyond charted lands, I doubt even Ganondorf could find them…
Zack: So what the hell am I gonna do? If I waste time collecting the medallions I might lose the Triforce for good. And if I try to spy on Ganondorf's castle I might get attacked by Redeads or 2 crazy guys who are almost as strong as Ganondorf!
Jesus: The answer is rather simple. Follow your heart…you might get lucky.
Zack: Words of wisdom right there…
Jesus: Well I must be going now…The virgin Mary is trying to lose her V-card again…I probably won't see you again so farewell! Jesus flies up into the heavens
Malon: Wow…
Zack: Now I have even more questions then I did before…Follow my heart…What is he talking bout? He glances over at Malon
His hands start sweating and he feels really heavy
Zack: Oh boy…I didn't think he meant that…
Malon: Meant what?
Zack: About following my heart…I thought he meant something like "go back home" or "get those medallions"
Malon: What was he talking about?
Zack puts his head in his hands
Malon: What's with you? You feeling ok? She puts her hand on his forehead Jesus Zack! Your burnin up! You must have a fever or something. Let me go get an ice pack…She stands up
Zack: Wait…He stands up
Malon: Yeah?
Zack: I uh… I want to tell you somethin'… shoulda told you a while ago…
Malon: What? If it's about that cucoo I gave you…
Zack: It's not about that…It's about Pyra. You see she's not really my sister.
Malon: Who is she?
Zack: Some girl I met near Kakariko…we kinda hooked up…
Malon: Well it has been 7 years Zack, who would expect you to be faithful for that long?
Zack: I would. I should've. I messed up. I…I wanna be with you.
Malon: But what about Pyra?
Zack: I don't know. It's not like she could find out.
Malon: Your right…She leans forward
Zack leans forward
Just before their about to kiss, Gozz comes walking out
Quickly they act like their just talking
Gozz: Yo Zack! Ingo just told us about this really cool place!
Zack: What is it?
Gozz: It's a party going down in Gerudo Fortress. It's gonna be like a club. You wanna go?
Zack: I'll go if Malon goes.
Malon: I'll come! When is it?
Gozz: Tomorrow, it starts at 10:30 so you 2 should get some rest.
Zack: Yeah yeah, on my way…Gozz walks back inside
Zack: Well…night Malon. He starts to walk inside
Malon: I don't know if I'll see you again until tomorrow so here…She throws a tape to him
Zack: What's on this tape? Scary Movie 2?
Malon: No, just me.
Zack: What are you…Ah…That kind of tape.
Malon winks
Zack: Goodnight. He goes inside and crashes on the couch
Around 11 o 'clock
Zack yawns and sits up
Pyra: Sleep good?
Zack: Next to you who wouldn't?
Pyra laughs and they get off the couch
Zack: Hm…The others aren't here…
Pyra: Their probably having breakfast.
Zack: I want breakfast! After that "Goron Feast" even Ingo's cooking won't make me gag.
They go to the kitchen and sit down with everyone else
Malon: Hey, have any of you seen my dad?
Zack: Nope!
Malon: Maybe he went on a business trip or something…
Zack: (or maybe he was killed by man-eating cucoos)
Ingo: Here you are…He sets down a plate in front of Zack
Zack: Ah…BACON! Finally food that doesn't come from Gorons who work late hours. He inhales his food
Skull Kid: Everyone done? We really should go to Zora's Domain.
Zack: Right, I almost forgot!
Zack and his crew leave Lon Lon Ranch and head to Zora's Domain
Gozz: Wow, kinda chilly here…
Zack shivers
Pyra: Wow! The snowflakes are so pretty…She stares at them
Navi: Care for a lesson about the water cycle?
Pyra: Do I!
Navi: Well, when precipitation hit land and the sun starts to evaporate it…
Zack: That's enough Navi…Besides, were here.
They enter Zora's Domain
Gozz: What the heck? There all frozen solid! He walks up to a frozen Zora and examines it
Skull Kid: I wish we could ask them what happened…
Pyra: Maybe we can! I could probably thaw them out with my fire.
Zack: Good idea!
Pyra shoots a jet of flame at the iced Zora but it's unaffected
Skull Kid: This isn't normal ice... It looks permanent.
Gozz: How did this happen?
Navi: Well it's obvious this didn't happen naturally!
Zack: So how did it happen Ms. Know-It-All?
Navi: How am I supposed to know? You never let me out of this bottle.
Gozz: Then how do you know it didn't happen naturally?
Navi: I…I don't have to explain myself to you!
Zack: Explain this! He raises Navi's bottle above his head
Navi: Stop! You don't want to do this!
Zack: Oh yes I do! So long Navi!
Skull Kid: Wait! Let's look around for a bit before we start bickering.
Zack reluctantly lowers the bottle and straps it back on his belt
They snoop around for awhile and eventually end up on King Zora's room
Zack: Weird. The ice around him is red…
Skull Kid: Maybe we can break him out.
Gozz: Lemme try. He smashes his hammer into the ice
Pyra: What are you…?
The ice shatters and King Zora is reduced to a million little crystals
Navi: YOU KILLED HIM!
Gozz: You said "Break him out"…
Skull Kid: Not like that! Not literally!
Zack: Yeah. If I tell you to "hit the sack" are you gonna smack yourself in the nuts?
Gozz: No…
Navi: Way to go! We might have been able to save him but you had to go and break him like glass!
Gozz: What do you mean we? You don't do anything. You just zoom around in that bottle and boss us around!
Skull Kid: Calm down. It's over. There's nothing we can do for him but maybe we can find a way to help the others.
Zack: Hey! Member that Jabu-Jabu hippo thing?
Gozz: Yeah! It told us Link had a vag…
Zack: I bet that big old thing didn't freeze! Maybe it can tell us what happened!
Navi: Wow…A good idea from Zack…I guess there are miracles!
Zack: Wow! A conversation where Navi actually says more then one line! I guess there are miracles!
They walk beyond the gate and end up near Jabu-Jabu's crib
Zack: He's not here!
Gozz: Forget that fool! He'd probably just try to eat us again…
Skull Kid: When you guys were here before, was that cave there?
Zack: What cave?
Skull kid points and off in the distance they see an ice cave
Zack: Never seen it before!
Pyra: Let's check it out!
They scramble over the ice and go in the cave
Gozz: God it's cold in here!
They walk deeper into the cave
Zack: OORUH! A treasure chest! He walks towards it
…: AROO!
A white wolfo hops out of the snow
Gozz: Ooh scary! A lil poochy pooch! What can it do against all us?
The wolfo howls and leaps at Gozz
Gozz crushes it's skull in with his hammer
Gozz: That was gay…
Zack opens the chest
Skull Kid: What's in it?
Zack: Damn these things are heavy! He pulls out a pair of boots with metal on their toes
Gozz: Why the hell would anyone wear those? For jogging practice?
Navi: Well if you wear heavy shoes then wind won't blow you away and you can sink down underwater.
Zack: We don't have gills you stupid sprite! We can't breathe underwater!
Navi: Well you better find a way to because all that's around here is water and that's probably the only place your gonna find clues.
Skull Kid: I know who can help us.
Zack: Help us what?
Skull Kid: Help us find out what happened to the Zora's and help us breathe underwater.
Zack: Who?
Skull Kid: A friend of mine. I don't know his name but I know where he lives.
Gozz: Does he have problems like that coughing Mr. Poe?
Skull Kid: He doesn't cough but…his memory isn't so sharp. He tends to remember stuff that didn't really happen and he'll mix it up with stuff that did happen.
Zack: Do you know any normal people?
Skull Kid: Not who can help us now…It's either him or no one.
Zack: Ahh…Whatever…Let's just get out of here…
A few hours later, Skull Kid has led them all the way back to Lake Hylia
Pyra: Wow! Look at all the water! Can I go in it Zack?
Zack: Do you really need my permission? Do what you want.
Pyra: Yay! She walks over to the water
Skull Kid: He lives in that house right there. He points to a house near the edge of the lake
Gozz: Well what are we waiting for? Let's g…He looks out at the water and starts drooling
Zack: Whatch'a lookin at? He looks where Gozz is looking Oh…wow…
Pyra strips down to her underwear and bra and the sun is reflecting off her skin
Gozz: That is one hot ass momma!
Navi: Show some respect to her! How would you like it if girls were staring at you and drooling?
Gozz: I'd love that, are you serious?
Zack is sweating and squeezing his eyes shut
Zack: Must…control…remember Malon…
She wades into the water
Gozz: Ahh man…
Zack: Phew! Now let's go in there before I get aroused…I mean distracted by anything else…
Skull Kid stares at them
They knock on the door
…: Visitors? Come in, come in…
Gozz, Zack, and Skull Kid walk inside
…: Oh Siege it's been ages! A creepy old man comes out of the shadows and hugs Gozz
Gozz: Get off me! He shoves the old fart to the ground
…: But Siege it's me, Barbie!
Zack: Barbie? I thought you were a guy! Well I guess you can't really tell when there that old…
Gozz: And my names Gozz, not Siege.
Barbie: Oh Siege you always were so silly! I remember the time with the peanut butter…
Zack: Oh my god! I don't wanna here about your gay sex tales!
Barbie: Mm? You must be Coonta Kintay, Siege's African butt sex buddy!
Zack: My names Zack and I'm white!
Barbie: Oh yes you were white when he climaxed all over your face, yes indeed you were…
Zack: Never mind…
Skull Kid: Barbie…are you blind?
Barbie: Synthetically speaking what is blind? Is it someone who can't see or is it something you cover your windows with? Is it a skateboard company or is it…
Gozz: It's Sheik's dad!
Barbie: Oh yes you always did like Sheik but she was to young for you.
Zack: Who could like Sheik?
Skull Kid: Barbie…Can you help us? We need to find out what happened to the Zora's and we need to be able to breathe underwater.
Barbie: That's it? I can help you quite easily…
Zack: Yay!
Barbie: If you pass the test!
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And another one down! I'm running out of stuff to say as a footer so bare with me. This chapter was even longer then the Fire Temple one! 3 days of just planning! Then I had to put it all together. I almost forgot about Saria again...:P Luckily, I go back and re-read my stuff now so that won't happen anymore. Really that was one hell of a chapter. I showed my friends and they just about cried after reading about the Goron feast! I was laughing so hard when I wrote it I could barely breathe and my ribs felt broken. Hope you all liked it. BTW, I was going to make the napkins made of nasty stuff but I forgot about it and didn't want to go back and fill it in. Not cause I'm lazy but cuz I was running out of "creative ingredients" for there exotic items. I didn't wanna make it lame. I watched the Matrix for about 25 minutes to create the whole Smurfius scene. Its almost copied down word for word except the obvious changes. Watch it and see. And you guys finally know about the 4th goddess of the Triforce, Vegas, the goddess of Luck. I thought that was funny to. For all of you looking forward to Barbie, there will be plenty more Barbie action ahead!
In the next chapter, are heroes are forced to battle dark versions of themselves...even Navi! They also go to Club Lady and party away, Find 2 mysterious, reefer smoking scarecrows, and meet the running man who's REAL NAME IS REVEALED! The suspense is truly mounting and I'm late for work! Expect chapter 11 up as soon as Saturday night or as late as Monday afternoon. I work fast. Catch you guys later and as always, I appreciate reviews. Holla back!