A/N: Breaking news! Near the end of this chappie, Elmarine runs out of crack! Isn't that great!
Elmarine: But I like my crack…
Me: Well, I don't care. Get back to rehab!
Elmarine: You can't make me!
Disclaimer: I… Oh, you know the drill!
Roy was a very tired and very late Fürher of Amestris. He had been up all night trying to get Elmarine to shut up for about five seconds. The results were a lot of burnt furniture and a very entertained Elmarine. She had even managed to sneak into his dreams at the point when he actually managed to get some sleep.
"Damn, crazy, immortal bitch," he muttered. When he opened the door to his office, he was thoroughly surprised to see Armstrong sitting there and painting Elmarine's nails.
"And she was like 'Oh, no you didn't!' and I was like 'Oh, yes. I think I did,'" she said.
"No!" said Armstrong.
"I know!" she replied.
Roy really didn't know what to say at this point, so he just stood there, dumbfounded.
"You have lovely hands, milady," said Armstrong.
"You're so sweet! You have lovely pecks!" she said.
"Thank you!" he said.
ALRIGHT! ENOUGH OF THIS MANDESS! OUT OF MY OFFICE! NOW!" Roy seethed. Armstrong was taken aback at Roy's level of anger.
"I was merely…" he tried to explain, but Roy screamed "NOW!" over him.
"You should probably go, Alex. Royo seems pretty pissed," said Elmarine, blowing on her newly-painted nails. Armstrong left the room and Roy slammed the door behind him, panting angrily.
"Morning, Royo! You sleep well?" Elmarine asked.
That was just the icing on the cake. Roy walked over to her, grabbed her pony-tail, dragged her across the room, and threw her out the window.
"Hey, there's a kitty down here!"
He slammed the window shut.
Boomshakalaka
Aang's training session had gotten out of hand. Katara and Toph were now fighting one another in a puddle of mud. Ed waded through and pulled them apart, holding back Katara and lifting Toph off her feet.
"Uh, guys, I thought we were supposed to be training me," said Aang. Katara pulled away from Ed.
"Very well, pupil. I believe we've had enough training for today," she said and stormed off.
"While Katara cleans up," said Toph, bending the mud off of her and onto Ed, "Let's go have some fun!"
The guys agreed enthusiastically. Ed slung Toph over his shoulder and they began walking towards the town.
"You can put me down, Metalbutt," she said.
"I know," said Ed. He was getting back at her for splashing mud on him.
Boomshakalaka
Roy was afraid to go to the bathroom. He knew that if he left his office, she would take that chance to sneak back in. Eventually, it got to the point that he couldn't hold it anymore. He left his office, fearing the worst.
When he walked back in, he wasn't surprised to see Elmarine sitting behind his desk. All of the lights were off except for the desk lamp, and she was stroking the black cat she'd found. She glared at Roy as he came in.
"You left me outside," she said. Roy raised an eyebrow. This wasn't like her. It had to be some sort of an act.
"That makes me angry, Royo," she stated, still stroking the cat, "And when Elmarine gets angry, Mr. Bigglesworth gets upset."
The cat meowed its agreement.
"And when Mr. Bigglesworth gets upset…" She stopped stoking the cat now dubbed "Mr. Bigglesworth," and stood up. "PEOPLE DIE!"
She pushed a button that Roy was positive hadn't been there before. The lights turned on and the floor opened, revealing a tank swimming with… with…
"What exactly are those?" Roy asked.
"They're frickin' sharks with frickin' lasers attached to their frickin' heads!" Elmarine explained. As she sat back down, Mr. Bigglesworth jumped into her lap again.
One of the sharks shot a laser at Roy that missed his head by millimeters. He didn't even flinch.
"Nice," he said sarcastically. She smiled goofily.
Yep, thought Roy, All an act.
Boomshakalaka
Speaking of acts, Toph had pulled a good one on a scam artist in the town. Even though Aang promised Katara after that they wouldn't make a habit of this, they kept on going.
Ed fully endorsed it. He felt that "cheating a cheater" was in accordance with equivalent exchange, and always good for a laugh. Katara confronted him about it once, asking him to help her stop them. Ed shrugged and told her he saw nothing wrong with it. Mostly because he'd gotten to break a few arms when tough guys thought they could beat a "little kid" at arm wrestling.
However, Katara was right about things getting out of hand, and the wanted poster of Toph was proof of that. Even so, Toph still refused to listen to her, insisting that she was acting like a mother.
After Katara stormed off again, Sokka had a talk with Toph. She was ready to apologize, but Katara decided she wanted to try a scam with Toph.
In the end, this left the girls locked in a wooden cage, and as for the boys…
"It's Sparky-Sparky-BOOM! Man!" said Aang.
"You know, I'm starting to think that name doesn't quite fit," said Sokka.
The man shot another beam of explody at them. Ed clapped and sent a bunch of earthen fists his way. The man destroyed most of them, but one caught him in the stomach. He staggered back and coughed something up. When he tried to attack again, Katara and Toph—who'd managed to get out of prison—got to him first. Katara froze his head and the girls ran to the rest of the group.
Ed looked back at that thing the man had choked up, and decided to make a dive for it. The man broke out of the ice just as Ed reached it. The man made another attack that Toph blocked with earthbending. Some of the debris hit his third eye and his next attack blew up in his face.
The GAang was able to get out of the town and onto Appa.
"Why did you run towards him! ?" Sokka asked Ed.
"I had to make sure he didn't get this back," he replied, holding up a small, crimson stone.
"Brother… Is that…?"
"Yeah. An incomplete Philosopher's Stone."
Ed looked like he was disgusted that he was holding such a thing and Aang looked afraid to touch it.
"What's the big deal? It's just a crummy stone," said Toph, swiping it from Ed. She was surprised when she touched it. It didn't feel like any form of earth at all.
"It feels like it's alive," she said. Katara and Sokka moved to get a closer look.
Aang went to take the stone from Toph. When he touched it, he pulled back as if he'd been burned. His eyes were wide with shock.
"All… all those people," he muttered. What Aang had seen when he touched the Stone was what Ed had seen on Envy: countless souls screaming and writhing in agony. The difference was that Aang could feel them as well.
"Aang, are you okay?" Katara asked, putting a hand on his shoulder.
"Do you guys know what the Philosopher's Stone—even and incomplete one like this—is made of?" Ed asked them. They looked at him, waiting for an answer.
"Live humans."
Now everyone was disgusted.
"Does that mean he's a homunculus?" Aang asked once he'd gotten over the shock.
"No. If he were, he would've evaporated once the Stone left him. That, and this would be a complete stone."
Aang took a good, long look at the thing, and, suddenly, it hit him.
"Ed, it looks like Kimblee's."
Boomshakalaka
"Black Hayate stopped barking," Roy noticed. He turned to Elmarine.
"Maybe he's finally killed your precious cat."
"No way. She's just as tough as I am."
"Wait, 'she'? Why would you give a female cat a name like Mr. Bigglesworth?"
"Because I can," she said happily. Roy rolled his eyes.
"Hayate's been chasing that thing all day. If it isn't dead, what happened to it?" he asked.
"She's just checking on my investment."
"Investment? What investment?"
"Never you mind. Back to work, human!"
Boomshakalaka
From the roof of one of the buildings in the town's square, a black cat watched as the battle took place. The man she was looking for lost, and was glaring in the direction his foes had fled. She leaped onto his shoulders and placed her tail over his third eye.
You've made no progress. She needs him alone and yet his friends are still around, she said to him mentally.
The kid's too chivalrous. He always ends up blocking the others, he responded in the same way.
You've also lost one of your Stones. They know who you are. You've failed her, Crimson. She didn't bring you back to the plane of the living and craft this protective shell for you to simply allow you to play.
Just chill out. I'll get them soon enough.
No, you won't, Crimson.
She brought out her claws and slashed his third eye. The protective shell was destroyed, and he could no longer survive. The soul of Zolf J. Kimblee, the one bound to this almost-human body, was gone forever.
Boomshakalaka
Black Hayate began to bark.
"Mr. Bigglesworth is back!" said Elmarine.
"Really?" asked Roy, feigning interest. She nodded enthusiastically.
"Good. Now go kill it," he said.
"Royo, why is it you hate her so?" Elmarine asked.
"It used all the paperwork I'd done as a scratching post!" he said. Elmarine waved him off.
The cat jumped onto the window ledge and walked into Roy's office. When she jumped into Elmarine's lap, Elmarine began to pet her. She purred contently.
Roy closed the window to block out Black Hayate's barking, but it was no use. He decided to go outside and calm the dog down himself. He needed a break, anyway.
Once he was gone, the cat wrapped her tail around Elmarine's wrist, thus transferring all the information she'd learned.
"'Chivalry,' mee care Nunti? Vidamus num utamur suum 'chivalry' in se."(1)
A/N: What is Elmarine plotting? Will the mysterious cat return? Will Kimblee ever stop making things go BOOM? Why is Elmarine speaking in Latin?
Elmarine: It's my native language. And it sounds cool.
Me: Native language? You're that old?
Elmarine: Silence! I kill you!
Me: And that was from Jeff Dunham. And then you did something from Austin Powers. You comedy thief.
Elmarine: It's not thievery! It's tribute!
Me: Whatever… Stay tuned!
BTW: (1) "Chivalry, my dear Messenger? Let us see whether we can use their "chivalry" against them.
If there are any Latin scholars out there who think they can translate it better, I welcome you.
"Nuntius" which means "messenger," will be the cat's professional name from now on.