And... Here's the angst! I knew all that fluff will go to something like this, but honestly... Anyway, it was interesting chapter to write, difficult but also beautiful in a way. Hope you'll like it.
As always, please let me know what you think, it really motivates me ;)
L.
"Dean, I want you to have this." – They were fully dressed now and ready to go. Dean looked at what the angel was holding and raised his eyebrow questioningly.
"The final battle is close. I can't have it on me, in case… Well in case something goes wrong. So I want you to have it."
"Khamsa you said it was?"
"Yes, it's the last thing Israfil needs to unseal the cage. I wouldn't be giving this to you if there was any other way, but all of the angels will join the final battle and I can't have it there."
"What can go wrong Cas?" – The hunter asked silently.
"Nothing will go wrong, I'm just being careful."
"You wouldn't lie to me, would you?"
"I wouldn't." – Castiel shook his head and hung khamsa on Dean's neck. – "If… I have to say this, but don't be worried ok? If I don't come back, you have to destroy it. It won't be easy, you'll have to find a demon to do that, but it has to be done or Israfil will re-start the apocalypse."
"Cas, I don't want you to go." – Dean said firmly.
"I know you don't, but you know I have to."
"You've done enough. Leave it to them."
"No. I have to go. I have to end this."
"Fuck you, Cas. You and your duties!"
"Dean, please, don't do this now. I need you on my side now."
Instead of answering Dean pulled him into a desperate kiss.
"I'm on your side, you idiot. I just… Fuck it, just be safe."
/\/\/\
One week later
"Where the hell is he?" – Dean hissed.
"Calm down, I'm sure he's fine. It's the final battle after all – he'll be here soon." – Sam answered trying to hide he was worried as well.
/\/\/\
Two weeks later
"Seriously, I'm getting insane here – where the fuck is he?"
"I don't know, maybe something went wrong with the weapons and it's taking more time?"
/\/\/\
Three weeks later
"Shut the fuck up Sammy! I don't care what you think! All I want to know is where the hell is he?!"
/\/\/\
Four weeks later
"I can't do it anymore… Where are you Cas? Please, please come back…"
/\/\/\
Five weeks later
"I have to find him."
"Dean, I think he might be…"
"Shut up Sam!" – Dean hissed. – "I have to find him. Something happened and he can't come down here. What can we do?"
"Listen… it's been a long time… He must've…"
"Sam I swear to God if you don't shut the fuck up I'll beat the crap out of you!"
"Fine… How about we try calling Samandriel? Maybe he knows something?"
"That's a fucking good idea! Why haven't I thought about it?"
"Because you can't think clearly…"
"Shut up." – He hissed at his brother again. – "Samandriel! Get you feathery ass down here! Samandriel!"
Suddenly a young man appeared in the middle of their motel room.
"You must be Dean?" – He asked pleasantly. – "And you're Sam?"
"Yeah, yeah." – Dean rushed on. – "Where's Cas?"
"I knew Castiel was partial to you two…"
"What do you mean was? Where is he?"
"Castiel… He's gone."
"No! No, no, no! What do you mean gone? Gone where? What happened to him?" – Dean was starting to shake slightly. He felt as if Samandriel had thrown a bucket full of icy water on him.
"After a battle I tried to find him. We finally won and at first I thought he came down here to celebrate, but he wasn't anywhere to be found. So I searched the Heaven and I couldn't find him there too… No one has seen Castiel since the end of the battle four weeks ago."
"Four weeks ago?! He's been missing for four weeks?! Why the hell haven't you told me?" – He was furious now. Cas might be in real trouble now. It's been four weeks!
Samandriel looked at him curiously.
"Why would I tell you? You're a human being. You have no business in celestial matters."
"Cas is my family!"
"No, he's an angel. He's my brother."
"Fuck you! You'd never understand!" – Dean growled. – "So what's happening now? Is someone looking for Cas?"
"I have looked everywhere. Castiel is gone."
"If you haven't found him, you haven't looked everywhere. I will look for him. Take me to Heaven."
"No."
"What do you mean no?!"
"I mean Castiel is dead. There's no reason to look for him anymore. If he was alive, I would have found him."
"No! He's not dead, you hear me, you stupid son f the bitch!"
"Dean, calm down…" – Sam soothed him.
"I won't calm down! This idiot has stopped looking for Cas! He might be hurt! He might be in trouble! You've got to find him! And if you don't want to look for him – bring me up there, I will!"
"You think you could find him when I, his brother didn't? Who do you think you are?"
"I'm fucking human, but at least I will do everything that's possible to find him!"
"And you think I didn't? Castiel was my greatest warrior, my friend and my brother… I did everything I could to find him. If he was alive, I would have found him!" - Sam saw anger and despair seeping through angel's emotionless expression and that scared him and convinced him more than anything the angel has said. He mourned Castiel, he truly believed he was dead.
"No! No, no! He's not dead! He can't be dead! He can't be dead!"
Sam came to Dean then and hugged him tightly. Dean started struggling, trying to get free again, but Sam just stood there and held him.
"I'm sorry Dean, I'm so sorry…" – He whispered soothingly. – "I'm so sorry…"
Samandriel looked at them for a moment longer.
"You are right, he was your family too. I'm sorry; I wish he had survived the battle…"
And before he disappeared he saw Dean shouting something as the tears ran down his cheeks.
/\/\/\
Two years later
He stood silently watching a beautiful little house in a good suburban neighborhood. It was picture perfect – white with dark brown roof, big windows, white picket fence and nice back yard. There was a bike standing in the driveway and the hoop for basketball above the garage. There were also more toys lying everywhere. It was evening already so no one was actually playing with them as the family was already inside getting ready for dinner.
He watched them motionless, silent. He heard the woman tell a boy who was around twelve to go wash his hands and he whined that he already did that. She then said that after he washed his hands he helped with the car in the garage so now he had to wash them again. The boy complained saying he barely touched anything, but then the man came into the room and after giving a quick kiss to a woman told the boy to listen to his mother and go wash his hands. The boy whined some more, but then went to do as he was told.
As soon as he left, the man grabbed the woman and kissed her full on the mouth. They both laughed once he had released her and she told him to go wash up as well. The man made a face at the woman, but she threatened to hit him with the spatula and so he went to the bathroom too.
He stood motionless still. He had seen what he had to see, but this has rendered him powerless. He thought if he took a single step he'd crumble. He endured almost two years of torture and didn't waiver, but this idyllic picture was the end of him. His knees buckled and he sat on the ground. He wrapped his arms around his knees and started rocking back and forth like a child trying to get hold of himself, clinging to his sanity. In two years despite of constant pain he had never cried. He screamed when he could no longer take it, but tears had never come. But now this happy, peaceful family had hurt him more than the torturous, murderous being was ever able to hurt him. It hurt him beyond repair and against his will or reason, the tears had finally come. He cried silently for all the pain he'd been through, for all the hopes he'd lost, for all the love he had in him that was destined to die. He cried soundlessly, alone and lonely more than anything else.
Suddenly he rolled his sleeve up and stared at his arm. Every inch of his skin was covered in scars and as he looked at it he started to calm down. This was real. He was sane. This was not new. This was just another torture. Finally, he pulled himself together and wiped away the remaining tears. He was used to pain by now. He would survive. He just had to make sure it was really over. He had to make sure it wouldn't start again. He stood up and with the blink of an eye he was gone.
/\/\/\
"Sam." – He said silently, trying not to startle him. He remembered that appearing in the room with a human usually startled them.
Sam jumped anyway and turned to look at him. His eyes widened as he uttered:
"Cas? Cas, is that really you?"
"Yes, it's me."
"Oh my God, Cas!" – The hunter roared and then grabbed him and hugged him tightly. – "We thought you were dead! You're alive! You're actually alive!"
Castiel stiffened in his arms for a moment but finally hugged Sam back. It was strange to be touched without inflicting pain. Comforting, really.
"Yes, I'm actually alive."
"Where have you been? What happened to you?"
Castiel flinched slightly at that.
"Israfil. I was captured. I made a mistake and he got me."
"You mean all this time you were with him?"
"Yes. His personal, celestial chew toy…" – He smiled bitterly.
"Oh my God! I'm so sorry, Cas… We tried looking for you, but Samandriel said you were definitely dead and finally we… Oh shit Cas! I'm so sorry we've given up on you!"
"Don't be Sam. It's not your fault. Samandriel had reasons to believe I was dead. Israfil was well prepared. He had a storage room that was fully protected against angels. He dragged me into it and his human… friend maybe… sealed it shut with both of us inside. There was no way Samandriel could have known."
"But why? What did he want from you?"
"He wanted to get the khamsa so he could unseal the grave of Michael and Lucifer. He knew he'd lost the war and that was the only option he had left. He knew I had it so instead of fighting the final battle, he did all he could to get me. He succeeded. And then for two years to come he tried to get its location out of me. In that he failed… And that's exactly why I'm here too. Before I left for the battle, I gave the khamsa to Dean and asked to destroy it if I wouldn't come back. I need to know - did he destroy it?"
"He tortured you for two years and you didn't tell him where it was?" – Sam asked incredulously.
"I gave it to Dean." – Cas replied simply as if it explained everything. It actually did.
"Cas… Dean told me."
"What?"
"When we found out you died, he told me about you two."
"What did he tell you?" – This was dangerous topic to talk about and it hurt already, but Cas couldn't stop himself from asking.
"He told me he and you were… involved. Oh, shit, he told me he was in love with you."
"No." – Castiel gasped. The air seemed thicker now as if he tried to breathe under water. – "No, he wasn't in love with me. He just… He just wanted me."
"Cas…"
"Please Sam, don't do this. It's not helping me. Just tell me – did he destroy it?"
"Yes."
Castiel sighed with relief.
"Good… Then it's really over."
"Will you see him?" – Sam asked suddenly.
"I already saw him."
"You did? What did he say? Is he ok?"
"He didn't say anything, he didn't see me. He did seem ok. Happy. Is he happy?"
"Are you going to show yourself to him?" – Sam asked cautiously.
"No."
"Why?"
"Because he seemed happy. Is he happy Sam?" – He repeated the question.
"I don't know. After you disappeared he lost it. He threw everything away – he stopped seeing his friends, Bobby, even me. It took him a year to start doing something again. He found Meg and destroyed the khamsa and then he said he was done with the hunt and everything. He went on trying to live a normal life. And then eight months ago he ran into Lisa and… Well, you've seen it. He seems better now, much better."
Castiel closed his eyes trying to hide the pain Sam's words caused him.
"And that's why I won't let him know I'm alive. And you won't either."
"But why?"
"Because it's kind. Because I want him to be happy. Because he has a new life now, a good life, void of all this filth. Because it won't change anything – it'll just hurt him and that's all."
"He will kill me if I won't tell him."
"He will never find out. He's happy Sam. Let him be happy, he deserves it."
"And what about you?"
"What about me? I have already lost everything – telling him won't change that. You wouldn't be doing me any favors by hurting him."
"But you still love him, don't you?"
"I… This changes absolutely nothing."
"I'm so sorry Cas…"
"It's ok Sam. I'm just glad it's over, it's really, truly over…"
"Will you go back to Heaven?"
"Yes, that's my home after all."
"Cas, how did you get away?"
"Samandriel found me. Turns out he was still looking for me… He heard Israfil's human talk about the angel trap that held two angels and he found us. He killed Israfil and cared for me. I owe him my life."
"I'm sorry we've given up…"
"I'm glad you have. Dean needed to move on. He had, all is good…"
"It's so unfair!"
Castiel laughed bitterly at that, startling Sam.
"Haven't you heard? Life's a bitch."
And he disappeared leaving Sam speechless.
/\/\/\
"So what am I now?" – Cas whispered and his voice sounded off from the lack of use. He didn't speak to anyone after he saw Sam. Samandriel tried to speak to him, but Castiel would just shake his head and stare at nothing. Samandriel still tried, every single day.
Castiel was lying on the ground next to the lake he had taken Dean to on one of those nights they shared. It was peaceful here – no humans, no angels, no demons. He liked this place, it soothed him. He was lying and looking at his arms to keep himself rooted. The scars… they were good, solid reminder that he wasn't losing his mind. That was part of the reason why he didn't leave Jimmy again. The most important part however was that Jimmy wasn't there anymore. When Castiel knew he hadn't had the energy to shield Jimmy from the torture, he made him leave for good. For all intents and purposes Jimmy was dead. He was in Heaven now, with his family that Castiel failed to save while being tortured as well. Castiel maimed Jimmy's life for good and that was just another thing he had on his conscience.
At least Dean was happy. Despite everything, despite of what Castiel did or tried to do – Dean was finally happy and that was the only thing that mattered. He almost maimed Dean's life too and that was something Castiel couldn't live with. Sam told him how hard it'd been on Dean and it hurt, but at least he was happy now.
Castiel's thoughts drifted back to the day he last spoke to Dean. He was so happy then, so unbelievably happy. Those memories made him strong enough to handle whatever Israfil had put him through. The way Dean had looked at him – caring and almost lovingly… That look alone was worth all the suffering. What wouldn't Castiel give to see that look again...?
"No, never again." – He muttered under his breath and clenched his fists. He would never again see Dean. He would never again hear him laugh or growl angrily. He would never again feel his lips on his. He would never again be his.
And yet again Castile crumbled beneath the knowledge of how much he had lost and how much he still needed him. It was all good and noble to think he was happy as long as Dean was happy, but the truth was he was so irrevocably miserable, so broken he could barely breathe. So what was he now? Just a fallen angel - lost and alone and on the verge of insanity? An angel who was in such a desperate need of a human it made him fall apart? He used to be a warrior – a soldier of the Lord – strong and powerful and righteous above all and now he was a mere shadow of the angel he once was, a mere reflection of the man he tried to be. He was nothing anymore – the only remaining vestiges he had were his resolve to keep Dean happy and to stay away no matter how hard it would be.
/\/\/\
"Cas! Castiel! Cas! Please come down here! He's hurt! He's dying!" – Sam begged looking at the ceiling of the hospital room. Lisa was sitting on the side of the bed, holding Dean's hand and crying silently.
"What's wrong? What happened?" – Castiel appeared in the corner of the room.
"I just came a moment ago, Lisa called me. He's hurt, badly."
"What happened to him, Lisa?" – Castiel asked looking at her for the first time. She was beautiful despite having cried a lot. Of course her eyes were puffy and her cheeks were flushed, but she was really beautiful, someone Dean could be attracted to even though she wasn't blond. What saddened Castiel the most was that she seemed kind as well – good, he wanted Dean to end up with someone kind, but at the same time it had the finality that hurt Cas more – Dean would only ever love a really kind person.
"The car accident…" – she sobbed, - "the other driver in a truck… he was drunk and he hit Dean's Impala… It rolled down to the river. He didn't drown, but his head is badly hurt and doctor said… he said…"
She burst out crying again.
"Calm down, he will be ok." – Cas said kindly and then turned to Sam. – "I'll ask Samandriel to heal him. I don't want him to see me."
"No, Cas! It's too late, he's dying…"
Castiel knew he was right – Dean's breathing hitched and his heart rate became irregular. He stepped closer and touched his temple with the tips of his fingers. Dean gasped and arched his back before falling back on the bed and opening his eyes.
He saw Castiel and for a second looked at him confusedly.
"Am I dead?" – He asked and Cas' lips twitched upwards very slightly, remembering the time they spoke about Heaven. He shook his head.
"No, it's the other way around." – He muttered and saw the understanding flicker in his eyes.
"You're alive… You're alive! You're alive!" – He almost jumped, but then Lisa threw herself into his arms sobbing and crying. Castiel watched how Dean's arms wrapped around her automatically, how he started stroking her hair calming her, soothing her and small painful smile appeared on his lips.
"Welcome back, Dean." – He said and turned to go.
"Wait, wait, no!" – Castiel heard Dean shout but for the first time he didn't stop or hesitate. He disappeared without a second glance. It was over. It was done.