Chapter 10: Relax, Don't Think About the Way I Treat You


Author's Note: I was having a conversation with myself while editing this chapter as to whether I was a hit or not. Seriously. It was all internal (I get sick of talking out loud and no one saying anything back) and it was one of those moments like when an angel sits on one shoulder and a devil sits on the other. Except on one shoulder was Glenda the Good Witch and on the other was Martha Stewart. And Martha was being such a bitch, telling me that I couldn't bake and that my walls were chipped! I almost cried. I have no clue how that had anything to do with whether my story was a hit or not but I had a house dropped on Martha and decided to declare myself an official hit.

Then I freaked out and wondered if I was a hit, would I have expectations to live up to? So I scratched the hit idea, told myself I sucked and soaked in a bubble bath for three hours to make myself feel better.

Disclaimer: I don't take responsibility for anything that offends you in this chapter. I created another character, which was thrilling. Creating characters gives me such a rush! It's like I'm molding my own little person. I am Doctor Frankenstein, only cuter. And the chapter title comes from the song Primitive (The Way I Treat You) by Ambulance LTD. Awesome song.

Lorelai turned on the lights in the kitchen.

There was Sookie, sitting in the dark, frosting the table and crying.

Lorelai rubbed her eyes. She was in her pajamas. It was 4am. This was unnatural. "It's 4 in the morning. Why did you call me?"

When Sookie didn't answer, she walked closer. She was furiously frosting the table.

Lorelai grabbed her hand and the bowl. "Stop frosting the table."

"I dropped Jess' head."

Lorelai was confused. "You what?"

"I was moving the cakes from there," Sookie pointed to the counter, "to here and I dropped Jess. His head went everywhere. His bird killing hair splattered all over the floor. Look at the icing spots. Stick your finger in them. Our floor taste like Jess."

"I think that's just butter cream."

"No it's Jess! I had made him into a cake. Rory is just fine. Her face is just fine and bridey. But not Jess. I killed the groom. I killed Jess."

"Flesh Jess is still alive, I'm sure."

"I am a failure. Imagine what I'll do to their wedding cake. I'll probably accidentally stick dynamite in it and when they cut it, it will explode all over them and then I will have killed the bride and groom, the flesh them, with cake!"

"It'll be the cake massacre of 08."

"They should take away my pastry license."

"Do they really hand those out? Do you have a license to carry a piping bag in public?"

Sookie ignored her. "How am I going to explain to Jess that I dropped his face?"

"Just sit a mirror with a little frosting on it beside Rory's head. No one will know the difference."

"A mirror is reflective."

"Exactly!"

"People will try to eat it and choke on glass."

"Who would eat a mirror?"

"Then how is it possible they don't know the difference?"

"I don't know. It seemed logical at the moment."

Sookie started pacing the floor. "The shower is tomorrow night! I'll never be able to put Jess back together again!"

"Maybe he had a harder outer shell than Humpty Dumpty."

"He is butter cream and cake! Cake! The weakest of the weak."

"I hear soufflé is more sensitive."

Sookie started realizing how crazy this all was. "Oh my god. It's 4 am and I called you, about cake. I bet you hate me now."

"There will be a voodoo doll made and pictures burned."

"Am I uninvited to the shower?"

"The whole town is invited. I'll be drunk by 8. There is no way I could keep you out."

"You could hire big, scary men to guard the grass."

"Bouncers?"

Sookie looked down. "If that's what you feel you need to do, I'll understand."

"What I need to do is sleep."

"Oh! Go back home! Go to bed!"

"Stop being so excited. It's too early for excitement."

"I'm swallowing the key."

Lorelai walked toward the door. "Night, Sookie."

"I'll fix this! I promise."

"Why do you sound so distracted?"

"No reason," Lorelai barely choked out, then grunted.

Rory heard a bang and Lorelai yelped. "You just yelped and grunted," Rory changed her voice to a whisper, "Oh my god, are you? While you're talking to me?"

Lorelai scrunched up her face. "No way! I'm not that dirty. I'm doing yoga."

"You're voluntarily doing physical exercise?"

"My body is a temple. I must treat it that way. You don't get a second temple."

"So let me get this straight; first you give up coffee. Now you are doing exercise. Oh my god, have you started jogging?"

"A few brisk walks here and there. Did you know I can train for a marathon in six months?"

"That's sick. You will kill yourself. Do you know how lucky you are to not have dropped dead from a heart attack just from the brisk walks?"

"Have you ever tried brussel sprouts? They are very green."

"You're eating vegetables?"

"They are the colors of the earth. The fruit of the earth. We must appreciate what comes from the ground."

"Are you high?"

"Exercise produces natural endorphins to make you feel like you are high. If you run, you develop what they call runners high. Exercise is a drug! How awesome, right?"

"Not awesome. You are becoming one of them."

"One of whom?"

"The freaky people who care about their bodies."

"I bet Jess would appreciate you even more if you tightened up."

"I am tight enough!"

"Suit yourself. You'll just never know how good it feels to look hot in bike shorts."

"Oh yeah, speaking of modes of transportation, I found the Jeep!"

"Where?"

"It's on e-bay."

"No way."

"Chanel Princess has it up for bid."

"No way."

"I know, such an obvious name, right? And listen to her description, 'I found this car in my driveway. After weeks of painstakingly trying to find the owner and with no luck, I decided to use the worldwide web as a tool. Now if you are the original owner of this car, I still expect a full payment. And if you're not, I don't know why you would want to own such a contraption. It's a death trap and an embarrassment to have on the road. Who makes cars like this? Who buys cars like this? Are you blind? Do you not realize how embarrassing it is? At least it isn't adorned with stupid bumper stickers talking about your child being on the honor roll and saving trees. I hate this green movement. Anyways, it's a Jeep. And it's an ugly shade of ugly. Enjoy looking at the pictures I took.' And get this, in one of the pictures, it's floating in the pool being attacked by a plastic shark!"

"I knew it!"

"I didn't know they had plastic sharks."

"They use them to fight off the plastic people."

"Can you believe she stole our car? She's rich!"

"She's evil. She wants to take over the world and eat small children soup," Lorelai paused, still in semi shock, "She doesn't know how important this car is to me! She doesn't know how much trouble Luke and Gypsy and the universe went to so I could keep the original. It's my baby. Without it, I am nothing but a woman with a nice ass and a talking dog."

"Paul Anka doesn't talk."

"Why is that the one thing you comment on in my heartfelt rant?"

"Sorry. So do we buy it back?"

"Can't we just steal it back? I'm really stealth."

"She probably has it locked away and covered in kryptonite."

"As long as Steely Dan isn't playing in the background, I can make it in there."

"God Steely Dan sucks."

"I know. Can you believe they still exist?"

"It's criminal."

Lorelai sighed. "My car is being held hostage by Sultan Gilmore."

"This is low, even for her."

"She is trying to seek some weird revenge on me for letting you marry the boy who has an attic full of porn and dead bodies."

"I'll make a bid for you, mom. I've got some cash kept away for emergencies."

Lorelai shook her head to the phone. "No. We'll play her game. We'll be seeing her tomorrow night. Oh boy, will it be a fun night."

"I'll try to keep your alcohol to food ratio equal."

"Thanks. Tequila on an empty stomach will result in me making out with my hand and then all credibility is out the window."

Rory had a hold of Lorelai's hand and was dragging her toward somewhere. See, it was somewhere because Rory would not reveal where they were going until they arrived because she didn't want Lorelai throwing a fit.

"I wore heels! There is no support! I don't have gel inserts in."

"You should wear maxi pads on your feet."

"You wear maxi pads in your shoes?"

"No. Jess does."

Lorelai couldn't control her laughter. It poured out of her body. She writhed. She shook. She almost choked on nothing but laughter.

Rory turned toward her, hands on hips, "What's so funny?"

Lorelai tried to gain her composure. "Nothing. Nothing at all," then she burst into laughter again, but this time had something to say, "It's just, why? Why would Jess want to even be near feminine products, much less wearing them? Does he not know what their purpose is and where they go? Did he skip health class because he was too busy whacking off?"

"He had some weird growth on his foot…"

"A second head. Continue."

"And it hurt, so I gave him one of my light day's pads to wear. They are sticky, so they stay stuck and are comfortable."

"Because they are super absorbent."

"It's not that funny."

"Are the wings comfortable for him? Do they cup his food like a winged angel should? Oh, oh! Is he ovulating right now?"

"You're sick."

"Well if he was, you'd know it might be time to stick a baby in there. And I bet having two bitches in the house gets annoying after awhile, huh?"

"We were two bitches."

"Yes but I just locked you in your room for the week, so we didn't have to interact during bitchy times." Lorelai stopped when she saw that where they had been headed was the stupid town bridge they spent twenty years raising money to restore. "Why are we standing on the bridge of nothingness?"

Rory smiled. "This is where I want Jess and I to get married."

"This very spot? Or could we take a picture, blow it up and have you stand on it?"

"I'm serious. It's kind of our place."

"Your place? Did you realize how cheesy that sounded before or after you said that?"

She slapped her mom on the arm. "This is a big moment for us and you're ruining it!"

"Sorry. But this is not a good idea."

"Why not?"

"Where are people going to sit?"

"On the edge of the bridge."

"Right. And once three people arrive, it collapses and we're having a water wedding. What are you, Little Mermaid now or something?"

"I hate the Little Mermaid."

"I know you do. That's why this plan doesn't make sense."

"This is the only place in Stars Hollow Jess likes."

"Then don't get married in Stars Hollow."

"But I wanna," Rory whined.

"Stop whining. It's not attractive," Lorelai sighed. "So, are people going to sit in trees?"

"We could build tree houses."

"Rory, be serious! We are on a bridge!"

"People can just stand around."

"While you get married surrounded by your closest friends and swans."

Rory chuckled. "Jess hates swans."

Lorelai perked up a bit. "Really?"

"They are his number one fear. He squeals like a little girl when he sees them. One time at the lake he hid behind me. Me! I'm half his size and he is like Christian Bale in American Psycho size anyways."

"You know what; a bridge wedding is sounding better and better."

"And you could do all the decorating."

"Oh joy. Bliss. Happiness."

"Michel would hate it."

Lorelai smiled. "He would throw a fit and suck his thumb."

"Grandma would throw a fit."

"She would kill me."

"You'd die disappointing her."

She stepped forward and hugged Rory. "Rory Gilmore, you're a genius."

"I know."

"You're cordially invited to join Jess Mariano and Rory Gilmore on the bridge of nothingness to commit their lives to each other surrounded by swans and swamp land."

"That was beautiful."

"I'm tearing just thinking about it."

Rory pulled away. "Wow that was a long hug."

"It was a long hug kind of moment."

Rory and Lorelai stepped back and stared around.

"A bridge wedding."

"It's so very trailer park."

"I'm white trash."

Lorelai smiled. "I love it."

Jess put on his pouty face. "Please let me take off the crown."

"You're my king. You can not take off your crown. A queen needs her king."

"For sexual favors. Not to wear a crown."

"And to wave. Wave to your adoring crowd." Rory grabbed Jess' hand and helped him wave the all popular Queen wave. "You looked like the Queen of England."

"You don't find it at all weird that I looked like a Queen?"

"I love Queens."

Jess rolled his eyes. "Oh brother."

Rory kissed his cheek, rubbing his face with her hand. "You're so cute when you're frustrated."

"I must really love you."

"Come on babe, enjoy the party! They even played you a Journey song and the punch is just nasty enough to be awesome."

"I do not like Journey."

"Then I guess I'll be tossing the Greatest Hits disk that somehow ended up under our bed."

"You really do hold all the power."

"I love to dominate you."

Jess blushed. "Miss Gilmore, not in public."

"So formal now, are we? Sounds like someone's been reading a little too much Jane Austen."

Jess tried to change the topic from this per usual embarrassing conversation. "Oh look, another gift! I hope it's another toaster. I just love toast."

"Yay! I love gifts. Getting, not giving. Who likes giving stuff?"

"Santa Claus? Prostitutes? You before you became bitter and cynical and my fiancée?"

"Ew, some of you wore off of me. I need to go wash it off."

"I can help you with that later," Jess smirked.

"Mr. Mariano, not in public."

"Doesn't that gift need to be opened?"

"Oh yes!" Rory ripped into the small package, which was a plain brown box. When she opened the box, there was only an envelope.

"Someone sending you love letters?"

"Calm down. You don't have to punch anyone yet. Let me open it first."

Rory opened the letter and read it aloud, "To Rory and Jess. From Taylor.

Against my better judgment, I let this unholiest of unions continue. And now here we are, a month away from the wedding (Rory, you can still get out now). And what I think I can give you is my advice on love.

Divorce is a fashionable thing to do. It is normal to be married for a year, then divorce. I wouldn't be surprised if you two's marriage dissolved and all was left were some silly books and a innocent child, who had been corrupted by Jess' juvenile ways and who was impossible to control because of Rory using drugs during the pregnancy (I'm watching you two! My town is a drug free town!) So I recommend complete celibacy during the marriage. Sure the media pressures you to consummate your love on your first night together but true love can survive without intercourse. Avoid intercourse, and you avoid contracting something from all the easy women Jess will see and from having a crack addled child who is rebellious and uncontrollable like Jess was.

Good luck and I'll be at the wedding. I'm sure it will be beautiful!

Best Wishes,

Taylor"

"I guess we're not having sex on the wedding night." Jess faked sad eyes.

"We must make small sacrifices for our hypothetical crack addled child."

"But everything but?"

"What Taylor doesn't know won't hurt him. We just can't tape it."

"Or if we do, I promise not to upload it on you tube."

"We don't have any baby making music anyway. Who has sex without baby making music?"

Jess smiled. "I bought a Barry White cd."

"I don't know if I'll be able to control myself then."

"Our poor crack addled child."

"We'll just send it to boarding school."

"Perfect solution." Jess leaned in and kissed her.

Lorelai gagged. "They've been doing that the entire time. It's disgusting."

Sookie swooned, "They're in love."

"PDA is so gross."

"You're just saying that because it's Rory and Jess."

"They're unnatural."

"I thought you supported this."

"I do. I'm just cranky. My mom put the Jeep on e-bay."

"Your mother has a pay pal account?"

"I know! You'd think those would seem dirty and unwashed to her or something like that. She'd at least think Japanese business men used e-bay to find high class call girls."

"I put myself on e-bay once."

"As a high class call girl?"

"No. I needed to get to LA. This really nice group of hippies picked me up. But I can't remember that weekend at all. Oh frak! We're out of oysters."

Lorelai shivered. "I hate swallowing those things."

"They're a natural aphrodisiac."

"That's what guys say about other things too."

"Lorelai!"

"What?"

"People are eating."

"Look around Sookie. Everyone is drunk. Kirk is hitting on that tree over there. I think he's gotten to at least second base. Whoa. He just definitely got to third. Maybe home."

Sookie yelled over, "Kirk put that away! This is a public place."

Out of the corner of her eye, Lorelai noticed her parents coming her way. Her eye began to twitch. This always happened when Emily was around.

"Sookie, hide me!"

"What? Lorelai, get out from under the tables. People will hear you talking and think the food has come to life. Lore..,"

Emily had tapped Sookie on the shoulder. When Sookie whipped around, she realized why Lorelai had taken cover.

"Oh, Mr. and Mrs. Gilmore. Thanks so much for coming!"

Richard smiled. "That's quite a spread you have there, Sookie."

"I always make too much. It's a problem. I just cook and cook and then I end up surrounded by food. Lorelai once said…ow! Stop that!"

"Are you okay?" Richard was always uneasy around this one. He loved her food but was sure she talked to it and that frightened him.

"Yes. I have random fits…ow! See. I can't control when I say ow."

"How did that occur?"

"I dropped a turkey on my face. I now stutter and scream ow. Ow!"

"Have you seen Lorelai?" Emily asked.

"Bathroom. Definitely the bathroom. But Rory and Jess are over there on their thrones."

"Yes, we see."

Emily began her always reliable rant. "This is all very over the top. Some might say a little flashy. Maybe even trashy and not understated. Understated is the way to go, you know. If they would have let me plan this event…"

Richard grabbed Emily's arm. "Come along Emily. I'm sure Sookie has shrimp to talk to. Let's go say hi to Rory."

"I should have planned this event!" Emily screamed, being pulled away like a mental patient.

Once the Gilmore's had vanished, Lorelai stuck her head out from under the tablecloth.

"Thanks Sookie."

"You have got to stop hitting me."

"You said my name!"

"I referenced you!"

"Emily has a keen sense. She'd sense I was around if you said my name."

"Like a dolphin?" Sookie giggled to herself. "Emily Gilmore is Flipper. Lorelai, do your dolphin impression! It's so funny."

"Dolphins have keen sense?"

"I think. Or maybe it's dogs. They both start with D and sometimes I get confused! Oh we're out of fruit. Who knew people would eat fruit? Watermelon is horrifying. All the seeds! Got to run! Do the dolphin for me when I get back!"

Lorelai noticed Emily and Richard standing in front of Rory and Jess.

"Oy vey. The fan is blowing and the shit is hitting us all in the face. I better go get some wet naps."

Jess leaned toward Rory, whispering, "I didn't know your grandparents were coming."

Rory smiled. "I didn't want to freak you out."

"Oh right. I forgot that when things are randomly sprung on me, I perform much better."

"Did you need to practice for this moment?"

"I had made conversation cards."

"Conversation cards? That's so geeky I want to kiss you for it."

"That's the angle I was going for."

"If I didn't love you so much, I'd kick your ass."

"Oh really now, would you? I'd like to see that."

"I could have you pinned so fast you wouldn't know what happened. Attack of the Rory!"

Jess interlaced his hands with hers. "I'd like that."

"Would you?"

"Yes, I would."

"Huh."

"That's my line."

"Is it okay if I borrow it?"

"It sounds better coming from your mouth anyways."

Rory leaned in to kiss him when they both heard a loud clearing of the throat. She pulled back, knowing who it was.

Emily and Richard Gilmore.

Rory put on a fake smile. "Hi Grandma. Hi Grandpa. I'd come down there, but I'm the Queen so I'm supposed to look down on everyone the entire night."

Emily grumbled, "Jess thinks he's above us too? I'd like to kick that little weasel's ass or hire someone to."

"What was that Grandma?"

"Nothing. So, this is Jess."

"This is Jess."

"I am Jess."

"I believe we've established that."

"Emily."

"Don't call me off Richard. I was just telling the boy that I realized the first time."

"It's good to finally put a face with a name. Nice to meet you Jess."

"A face with a name? Rory, you gave them a picture of me?"

"No. Grandpa, how do you know what Jess looks like?"

"Oh. Your Grandmother has a picture of him. I assumed you gave it to her. It's quite blurry and he is wearing sunglasses."

"The picture doesn't do him justice."

Rory tousled his hair. "He is adorable."

"That's not what I meant," Emily growled.

"Oh. So. Nice weather we're having?" Rory was panicking. This was her worst nightmare.

Jess was searching for a conversation piece. "How about them Sox."

"We hate the Red Sox." Emily blurted.

Richard laughed. "I didn't know you were an avid baseball fan, Emily."

"I keep up with my sports."

"How do you feel about basketball?" Jess asked, faking interest.

"The men are too tall and they're hands and feet are freakishly big."

Rory giggled.

"What's so funny Rory?"

"Nothing Grandma. Absolutely nothing."

"Does Jess have big feet and hands?"

Jess and Rory tried to control their laughter, leaving a very confused Richard and Emily below them.

Emily was becoming agitated. "I don't see how this is in the least bit funny! You two stop laughing this very instant! When I stay stop, it means stop!"

Richard grabbed her arm. "Let's go to the bar and get a drink. We can mingle."

"With these people, Richard? They will infect us with something! This town is diseased! And I am sick of being treated like the outcast in it when they should be polishing my shoes and bowing down to me."

Lorelai knew it was time to grow a backbone and go confront her mother.

She jogged over, spilling her martini but not caring after hearing what was coming out of her mother's mouth. When her mother saw her, the rant switched toward her.

"Lorelai, why are you jogging? You hate physical exercise! And you are spilling your martini. That is wasteful. And could you have picked a lower cut dress? Your daughter is getting married and you are putting it out there like it's for sale and you hope someone will buy it."

"Emily!"

"Grandma, enough!"

"Guys, I've got this. Mom, this is between you and me and you know it, so let's get it out. Right here, right now."

"No, this is about that boy you are letting Rory marry. He has made her into a little brat. She treats me like I am below her and like her grandfather and I didn't pay for her to go through Chilton and part of Yale or do anything for her. I will not be treated like that and I will not let a boy into this family that does not respect me. And I will not let Rory become pregnant with his misfit children."

"You don't approve of Jess. We all get it. We've had it beat into our heads every time we've talked for the past few months. But guess what? Jess isn't going anywhere unless something falls from the sky and kills him right now. This would probably be your doing, so drop any 'How to kill Jess' plans. I've got you figured out."

"I can't believe you didn't let us meet this boy until now!"

"You're crazy! You stalked us around town! Why would I let you anywhere near him?"

"It's not your choice to make."

"You're right, it's not. And Jess was dying to meet you so you could tell him how worthless he is. That makes people feel so good about themselves. Sorry if I kept Jess away so he wouldn't punch you."

"See, he is violent and you are letting this happen!"

"It's funny how you keep saying I am letting this happen. Why can't I get it into your head that I don't control Rory like you tried and failed to control me?"

"So you're saying you've never been married or let me plan you a wedding shower because I suffocated you and loved you too much? Sorry for being a mother."

"God, when will this argument end?"

"When you admit you pushed me away!"

"Because I couldn't breathe!"

"And look, you have the perfect relationship with Rory. Rory is getting married, you approve, the boy likes you and she let you be involved and didn't hide things from you."

"Because I love her unconditionally with no strings attached."

"I don't need to listen to this. Come on Richard, we're leaving."

"But the scotch," Richard whined.

"Now Richard."

"Fine."

As Emily was walking away, Lorelai yelled, "And I know it was you that stole my car, Chanel Princes. FYI, you aren't a princess! You are an evil, evil woman. I can't believe you stole my car! I want it back! NOW! And if I don't get it back, I'm coming to your house with a bucket of water. Not even your flying monkeys can save you from my wrath this time, mom!"

Richard walked in front of a very shell shocked Rory and Jess and handed them an envelope. "Sorry about the scene. I can't say if I approve of this match or not, because I don't really know you Jess," he gave Rory a look, "but I don't want you living in a box in LA eating dog food and using psychedelics. Have a nice party Rory. You look happy."

"I am Grandpa. Thank you."

"And Jess, do you play golf?"

"I dabble virtually."

"He is addicted to being Tiger Woods on his Playstation. He has Playstation hands. Look."

Richard chuckled. "So this Playstation. Do old men use them?"

"Luke never really has gotten the hang of it. He always cuts his own head off in mortal combat." Richard's smile fell and Rory nudged Jess. "But I'm sure you could learn."

"Virtual golf. This will be a new experience for me."

Rory smiled. "So it's a date."

"I'll need to buy one of these Playstations, but yes, a date."

"Richard! The car now!"

Richard walked toward the car, waving bye to the oddly happy couple. He stopped at Lorelai. "Sorry, Lorelai. She doesn't mean half of what she says."

"I try to ignore the crazy."

"This is a very nice party."

"Thank you."

"And Rory is perfect."

"That's what I hear."

"You did well."

"Thanks, dad"

"And I'll find a way to get you your Jeep back."

Lorelai smiled weakly, and just shook her head at the ridiculousness of this situation.

"I'm not calling again Richard! One more minute of waiting and I am driving this car into the food table!"

"Go dad. It's okay."

Lorelai turned back to Rory and Jess.

Rory smiled.

She smiled back. She looked down at her martini glass. Far too empty for a night like this.

Jess finally breathed. "So, that was your grandparents."

"What did you think?"

"She didn't shoot me in the face."

"That's what you were expecting?"

"I had nightmares."

"My poor baby. At least you still have your face."

"And what a cute face it is."

Rory smiled. "I'm so happy you don't have grandparents."

"Actually…"

"Actually what?"

"There is Nana Mariano."

"Nana Mariano?"

"Yeah. And she hates you."

"Hates me? I'm cute and lovable and housetrained. And I read!"

"Yeah I told her you were like a puppy. But she doesn't trust women."

"But she's a woman."

"She's a Jewish woman. Big difference."

"So if I learn about Hanukah and Passover and the torah and make those potato things, she'll like me?"

"Probably not."

"Is she coming tonight?"

Jess looked down. "Well there is a possibility…"

Rory slapped him. "A possibility and you didn't prepare me? Oh my god. I'm breaking into sweat. My makeup is going to run!" She continued hitting him.

"Hey, hey, stop that! I can feel that, you know!"

"Why did you tell her I wasn't Jewish?" She spat out between hits.

"Because that would be lying and one does not lie to Nana Mariano," Jess paused, "Besides, it's obvious you aren't a chosen one."

"I'm not special?"

"Not to the Jews."

Lorelai ran over to the bar. "Where's the bartender?"

Luke took a sip of his beer. "He quit when Kirk started grabbing at him."

"Great. Kirk felt up my bartender and now I have no alcohol God to suck up to."

Luke reached behind the bar, grabbed a beer and handed it to her.

"You can do that?"

"I don't see a sign saying I'm not allowed."

"There isn't a sign at your diner but you don't let me behind the counter."

"That's because I could run into you and burn you with coffee. Or you could slip and break you face and sue me. And you'd be in my way and that annoys me. I need my space to serve."

Lorelai smirked.

"Just enjoy your beer."

"Got it." She took a sip. "So you came."

"Figured I should support Rory and Jess."

"They look happy, huh?"

"It's disgusting."

"But in a good way, right? I'm trying to convince myself it's a disgusting good."

"It's a sickening good."

"Good." Lorelai paused, then had a thought. "How hard can it be to be a bartender? I've got personality! I've got spunk! I can make a mean mojito. I've got Cuban flair."

"No."

Lorelai smiled, walked behind the counter and smirked. "Call me Vulva."

"Seriously?"

"I'm a little tipsy. I should probably pick a new name."

"Before you get arrested for sexual harassment, preferably."

"Okay. Call me Buttery Baby."

"Afraid it might get around Lorelai was bartending and your reputation will be ruined?"

"My mother thinks bartending is a deplorable profession for the showy. She hated Cocktail and still is disturbed by Tom Cruise because of it."

"I'm just disturbed by Tom Cruise."

"Too much nutty for you?"

"I stopped watching Top Gun after I realized he probably was a having a baby to eat it."

"That's sick!"

"I might have had one too many beers. After I saw your parents, I went to shock and started drinking."

"They're gone."

"I saw."

"But not before we put on a show for the crowd."

"Well I'm sure there will be another show in a matter of minutes."

"Why? Got some inside scoop?"

"Nana Mariano is coming."

"Who?"

"Jess' grandmother. And she hates Rory."

"That's not possible. Rory rides unicorns and talks to trees."

"She's Jewish."

"Ah, a Jewish thing. They are so uppity about being the chosen ones." Lorelai sighed. "I better start throwing back the margaritas now."

"I'm sure Nana Mariano will love a drunk, unmarried woman."

"I'm here to impress."

"You never let me down."

Lorelai smiled and turned on the blender, yelling, "Margs all around!"

"My mom is getting drunk."

"Luke probably told her about Nana Mariano."

Rory started hitting Jess again. "I can't believe you didn't give me time to make conversation cards! Or to study to the Jewish people! I never took a Jewish religion class!"

"Ah ha, I'm not the only one who makes conversation cards."

"I hate you."

Rory's slap fest was suddenly interrupted.

"Jessie, what are you doing that high up? Come down here and give your Grandma a hug!"

Standing below them was a tiny woman who looked like she could take on Cojo.

"Nana! I didn't know if you would come."

"And miss out on meeting the famous Rory, no way! Come down here!"

Jess stepped down and gave the Nana a hug. "Nana, this is Rory."

"I figured, unless you'd found another tramp to shack up with and decided why not marry her and break your poor Nana's heart."

"Nana." Jess said, in a warning tone.

The Nana pulled on his cheeks. "Oh, little Jessie, you know I'm kidding. Now where is the bar? Get me a drink so I can have some time to talk to Rory."

"Do you really think that's safe?"

"You're right; she is quite little. Don't worry; I won't intimidate her too much. Now go Jessie, get me a drink!"

Jess mouthed sorry to a much panicked Rory and went to the bar.

The Nana looked up at Rory. "Too good to come down here to talk to me or are you afraid?"

"Afraid."

"At least you're honest. That's one thing you've got going for you. And you're not blonde. I hated those blonde girls he dated. Blonde and tan. It was like he was trying to break my heart."

"Jess loves you to death. He only has the nicest things to say about you. I'm sure he wasn't trying to break your heart."

The Nana smiled. "You're lying. And Jess has nothing nice to say about me. I'm mean, overbearing, and intrusive and set in my ways. And I wanted him to marry a nice, wholesome, virtuous Jewish girl. I've had nothing nice to say about you. I'm sure he has said little to nothing about me."

"Wow. You're honest."

"Why pretend to like someone? You don't like me and I don't like you. It's fair."

"I don't know you."

"I'm an old woman. What could we possibly have in common?"

"I like bingo. I was in the DAR. I know how to make tuna salad."

"Are you always this flighty? Jimmy said you were supposed to be smart. I'm not seeing it. He said you went to Yale. Were you a janitor there? I can't see your little hands ever working a day in their life, but there is no way you graduated from there."

"I graduated in 2007!"

"And you've been living off your Grandparents money ever since? Drinking, partying, and making a criminal record for yourself?"

"How do you know about my Grandparents?"

"Google dear! I might live in a nursing home but that doesn't mean I'm locked away in a meat freezer, dying slowly! You wouldn't believe the sex I've had. Do you and Jess have sex a lot?"

Rory blushed. "Um, well…"

"No need to lie. You seem like the type who gives out the milk early on, praying to keep the boy interested since you don't have much more to offer. Pretending you're pregnant? Got my poor Jessie marrying you under false pretenses?"

"I have a job! I don't need Jess to support me!"

"So my Jessie isn't good enough for you?"

"I never said that!"

"But you think that, right? That he is 'lucky' to have you? I hear you live in the Big Apple. Probably think you're hot stuff, huh? Seeing another boy on the side?"

"I'm not a whore! Oh my god, you're like a big, Jewish bitch sent by Moses to make me cry!"

"I'm an old woman. Don't raise your voice. I might have a heart attack."

"The world would be better without you!"

"Oh, a feisty one. I bet your children will be just wonderful little monsters, seeing the parenting skills you were brought up with."

"What is that supposed to mean?"

The Nana pointed toward the bar. "Look at your mother. She is playing Miss Bartender, kicking back the liquor and dancing around like some Go-Go dancer. I bet she was a marvelous parent."

Rory groaned. "Leave my mother out of this. I'm surprised your children didn't kill themselves. Or better yet, kill you!"

Jess showed up just in time to hear Rory scream "kill you" and broke in on the conversation, "Whoa, whoa, what's going on here?"

"Your little whore got upset."

"Nana!"

"Jessie, I am just being honest. She's not Jewish. She's not a virgin. Her mother is playing bartender. And she has a criminal record."

"It was only a yacht!" Rory squealed.

"She's a little rich girl! Why couldn't you have found yourself a nice Jewish girl, Jessie?"

Jess shoved her drink in her hand. "Why did you come here if you weren't going to at least pretend to support me?"

"My honesty is the one trait you used to adore about me."

"Not when it comes to Rory."

"You want me to lie about Rory?"

"Yes!"

"What kind of name is Rory, anyways?"

"It's a name! I don't want some Jewish girl! I want Rory!"

"I can't believe you're yelling at your Nana over a girl."

"She's Rory. She's not just any girl."

"I'm not coming to the wedding."

"Good! I'd probably end up pushing you in the lake."

"Jessie!"

"Nana!"

"She's really what you want?"

"Yeah."

"Fine, then. Break a poor Jewish woman's heart."

"Repetitive much?"

The Nana smiled. "Always a smartass."

"Just like you."

"Could never deny you were my grandson."

"I haven't known you for that long."

"I had a feeling you'd be sarcastic and bitter. All Jews are. I think it's because of the eyebrows and Woody Allen."

Jess chuckled and hugged his Nana. "Thanks for coming."

"I'll be at the wedding."

"I know."

"You better have a chuppa."

"I'm on it," Rory said, weakly.

"I still don't like you."

"I don't like you either."

"What a little spitfire."

"She's my spitfire."

"You two are sickenly in love."

"That's what we hear."

The Nana looked around the town. "God I hate coming north. Why do people want to live somewhere that is snows?"

"It's August, Nana."

"There are still mittens in that store front!"

"Mittens bother you? Are the scarves giving you a rash?"

"I don't get why you ever left west, Jessie. The beaches. The sand." The Nana sighed, then motioned toward the bar. "I'm going to meet the bartender mother."

"She'll sing you a song while she serves you."

The Nana rolled her eyes. "I'm thrilled."

"So that was the Nana."

Rory stepped down and Jess enveloped her in a hug.

"Yep. The Nana. What did you think?"

"Horrifying. Mean. Caustic. Bitchy. But the perfect Nana for you."

"This shower has been crazy. Did you see my cake? It was a mirror."

"Kirk tried to eat himself. He cut his tongue."

"Could this night get any weirder?"

Rory blinked, then noticed her dad making his way toward the couple.

"I think it just did." Rory pulled out of Jess' grasp.

"What?"

She began stumbling backwards. "My dad."

Jess looked up. "Oh."

Chris uttered one word. He was glaring at Jess. "You!"

"Me?"

"Yeah you! Don't play dumb with me! You marrying my daughter?"

"If I live through the night, yes."

"Well good. She can't die an old maid, am I right?" Chris broke out into an uproarious laughter, confusing both Rory and Jess.

"And Rory doesn't like cats, so she can't be forced to surround herself with cats." Chris extended out his hand. Jess didn't shake. "My man, shake my hand. You're marrying my daughter!"

Jess turned to Rory. "Is it safe?"

"I don't have herpes, shake my hand!"

"I think you better."

Jess shook it and Chris pulled him into a hug. "You smell good. What cologne do you use?"

"Um, um…"

"Dad, stop hitting on Jess. How long have you been here?"

"About an hour. Your mom is an excellent bartender."

"Mom knows you're here?"

"Probably not. She's just pouring and drinking. She is calling herself Buttery Baby and Princess Di depending on the hour. She makes a mean marg."

"Right."

Chris stepped back and smiled. "You two are going to have the cutest kids! Congratulations!"

"Thanks," they both uttered, weakly.

"Well I'll let you too get back to smooching. Just wanted to say hi to my kid. Hi kid!"

"Hi dad."

"Bye kid!"

"Bye dad."

Chris left Rory and Jess to go terrorize someone else and most likely, sexually harass Luke. When he was drunk, he went gay.

"You're dad is so drunk."

"My mom is topless."

Jess jerked his head. "What?"

Rory smacked his head. "I can't believe you looked."

"She's not topless."

"Duh! I wouldn't be standing here if she was. But I can't believe you looked!"

"Instinct reaction. I didn't want to. Honestly. Animal instinct. When men hear topless, they can't help what they do."

"You're sick."

"And you love it."

Rory smiled. "Kiss me you fool."

"Now that was lame."

"I'm a little tipsy. I've lost my cool mojo."

"Sweet. Things are going to be easier tonight!"

Rory swatted at him. "Jess!"

"Kidding."

He leaned in and gave her one of his specialty world stopping, love you to death kisses. She loved these because they made her feel like the only girl in the universe.

Rory pulled away, leaning her forehead against his. "Kirk is streaking."

"My god, how do you say that without passing out?"

"I'm still trying to regain feeling in my legs and catch my breath."

"It was a good kiss."

"So Kirk's naked, my mom is a bartender and Sookie is making out with her cakes. I say this night was a success."

"We got four toasters. Any night I get four toasters I'm a happy boy."

Rory and Lorelai were stumbling around the square wearing gloves, carrying big black trash bags.

"The sun, so bright. My face, feels so hairy. I think I have backne."

"From drinking?"

"I'm so much more sensitive after purification."

"People are such pigs."

"I know! Look at all this trash. And all these panties."

"Who took off their panties?"

"Were Bon Jovi here?"

"They might have dropped by briefly."

"And you didn't tell me? I wore my panties while Bon Jovi was here? Bad daughter!"

"Kidding!"

"Oh. Man, I'm taking everything literal today. Must be from the hairy face."

"You need to shave, Chewy."

"I will, Han Solo."

"I do not look like a man."

"You do when I am mad at you."

Rory looked up. "Ew, Kirk is up in the tree."

"Naked."

"Sick."

"I wouldn't go near that tree. He got off on that tree."

"Thinking about Kirk masturbating with a tree was not on the agenda for today."

"I'm never drinking again."

"Liar."

"Okay, I'm never drinking on the job again."

"I'm never picking up trash again."

"I thought you'd be a pro at this activity."

"So does Nana Mariano."

"Nana Mariano was awesome. She's my new drinking buddy."

"At least she likes one of us," Rory mumbled.

"Oh she hates me. She told me I like to spread my legs for the postman to get my mail earlier. That's why I love her"

"You're twisted."

Lorelai bent over when she noticed something shiny. "Oh look, a nickel!"

"And you're three."

Ending Author's Note: If there was a cage fight, and the loser doesn't live, between Nana Mariano and Emily Gilmore, who would win? Maybe they should throw down in the middle of the wedding, cause the swans to freak out and attack Jess again and he'll piss his pants because it's like Nam syndrome and the flashbacks make him do crazy things. Just an idea I'm throwing out for the wedding. The wedding isn't the next chapter, but I'm drained for an opener, so anything that comes to mind I just start rapping about like it could actually happen.

Reviewers: If you all banded together, you could take on all the sappy stories on here and their reviewers. It could be very 300, except we wouldn't die at the end. We'd put up our shields and totally kick ass. Now I'm not saying I'm calling out all the other stories on here for a little underground fight club, but if they happened to show up let's say, around 8 o'clock tomorrow down at the mall parking lot, I might just be there with my dance moves and my crew. Oh and my keyboard! I don't go anywhere without it. The sound of typing makes people shake with fear.

Anyways, we're obviously edging closer to the end. Now when the end comes, I have no clue. I try to motivate myself to write, but then I see a postman and I have to chase him. I hope you enjoyed this chapter though. It was fun. Fun like Fridays! Which is today! And Friday is not canceled! Yay!