Redemption and Ruin
Chapter Nine
"We have to find her!" Finn shouted.
Leia shot the ex-stormtrooper a look. "Settle down, Finn. Shouting won't solve anything. Relax."
"How can I? Last time he took her… he did something to her mind. He might've done more if she hadn't gotten free. If we hadn't helped her."
"I understand your concern. However, we can't be sure of where Rey was taken. Not yet. We are listening for any chatter about her location and we will do our best to bring her home, but you have to understand that we might not be able to save her. It may be too late."
"We can't just let her die, General," Poe said, having been mostly silent. "She's a member of the Resistance."
"I know and I'm sorry."
Finn shook his head. "This isn't right. We should be looking for her. We need to find her."
"It's dangerous. Far too dangerous to undertake at this juncture. I'm sorry, Finn… Poe. We can't launch a rescue operation until we at least know where she is being held," Leia said sadly.
"She'll be with Ren," Finn said sternly. "He took her. Twice now."
She tried not to react at the mention of her son. It was an open secret, but one that she tried to play close to her vest. Not everyone needed to know that the boy who'd been her son was the hated Kylo Ren of the First Order. Most of the long-time members of the Resistance already knew about her son. The younger generation didn't necessarily and that was how she preferred it.
"Once we locate him, then we can discuss a rescue operation. Until then, it is too risky. What we need to do is concentrate on the small bases and disrupting the First Order. With any luck, we will get news of her location or his," Leia said. "I'm sorry, Finn. I wish there was more we could do."
"I understand," is all he said.
"Who did? Who did this?"
He saw the tears in her eyes. Felt the pain ripple through her.
"There's only one other person could've done it," he said softly.
"Who?"
"Skywalker."
She shook her head. "No. He couldn't. He would've…"
"When I came back for you, you were gone. I tried to find you…"
"Kira!" He ran through the smoky ruins, heading for where he'd hidden her sleeping body. He couldn't risk carrying the unconscious girl with him as he arranged for transport off world.
She was gone. Her small, beige-clothed form was missing form where he'd tucked her out of sight.
"Kira!" he screamed. She couldn't or rather shouldn't have woken up, not yet. He'd only been gone mere moments to ready the ship for their flight. Not long enough for her to override his Force-induced slumber. Unless he'd miscalculated the use. "Kira!"
He couldn't lose her. Not now. Not his ray of light. Not his Kira.
"Kira! Please!"
Then the pressure in his mind, the voice. He had to go. Had to leave. It increased, fingernails clawing through his skull, reminding him of promises made. Allegiances he pledged.
"Kira! I'll come back for you!" he shouted, the pain worsening, the grip tightening, like a noose around his neck. "I'll find you!"
"But you were gone. I couldn't find you," he said. "I tried…"
"You should've tried harder."
He hung his head in regret. "I know."
She punched him in the chest. "You did this. You're the reason I was alone. You did this!"
He made no move to defend himself. He had no defense. He was the reason she was alone on Jakku. His role in the massacre at the Academy directly led to her abandonment on the wasteland of a planet she called home for the last fourteen years of her life. He abandoned her and lost her.
"I know."
"That's all you can say? 'I know'? Not you're sorry or anything, just you 'know'? That's it?"
"Tell what you'd like me to say. What would help you? What magic words could I say—what could anyone say—that would make things okay?" He stared at her, his eyes meeting her own. "Tell me, Rey."
She shook her head frowning. "You're either sorry or you're not. It's that sim—"
"It's not and you know it." He took a step closer, his head bent down to see her better. "Even if I say sorry, even if it's sincere, you and I both know you won't accept it. You won't believe it. Why? Because you still don't believe me. You don't remember."
Rey, his beautiful, strong Rey, shook her head. "You're right, I don't. I don't trust you. I don't believe you. And I don't remember you."
"You can change that," he said softly. "Use the Force. Raise your hand and enter my head. I won't fight you. I will help you remember."
She sneered at him, darkness surrounding her. "Like you helped me relive your father's murder? No, thank you."
He reached forward, gripping one of her wrists with one of his bound hands. She went to pull free and he tightened his grip on her delicate wrist. Slender and feminine. While she was tall for a woman, she still felt small, breakable even, compared to himself.
"You want to know who you are. Who your family was. Why you ended up on Jakku. I can help you."
"You're desperate for me to stay," she said, anger evident in her voice. "These answers come at a price."
He looked at her sadly. He'd paid the price a million times before. Over and over again. Losing her, time and again, in both memories and dreams. No other loss ever struck him quite the same way. He never let anyone else close to him after her. Not that many in the First Order tried.
He covered himself up, head to toe, with not an inch of skin on display when fully dressed. With the helmet to conceal his features and mask his emotions, he looked every bit the monster she accused him of being. Not a trace of Ben Solo remained. No human. No one who could be hurt. With the mask, he was only Kylo Ren, apprentice of the Supreme Leader. Merciless. Powerful.
"You or them. It's simple," he said curtly.
Rey shook her head. "How do I know you won't kill them regardless?"
He glared at her. "You don't, but maybe this will help."
He closed his eyes, seeing it vividly. The day he first met the youngling. He'd been training with Snoke secretly, just off the beaten path at the Academy. He'd been talking in his mind at the time, before she broke his concentration.
"Hi," said a little girl at his feet, her brown hair done in three little buns, her clothes the same as other younglings.
He glared down at the young girl as an older padawan rushed over, calling out, "Kira, no… don't bother him!"
The girl, perhaps three, didn't run to her companion. She didn't heed the warning. She just looked up at him. "You sad. Why you sad?"
He made a face, intending to scare her. It usually sent the other younglings away screaming. She didn't move from where she appeared rooted, almost at his feet.
"Kira!" the other padawn, a Twi'lek, called again. This one was careful to stay far away. "C'mon, Master Luke is waiting!"
"Why you sad?" the little girl repeated, ignoring her companion. She didn't seem to notice the fear inherent in her helper's voice.
"If I tell you, will you go away?" he inquired.
She nodded, her hazel eyes bright, her buns bouncing a bit from the movement.
"Kira, please… we need to go," the other padawan begged. "Leave Ben alone. Master Luke said we're not to disturb him!"
He recognized the older girl from around the Academy, but not the one at his feet. The younger student, without the braid or other mark, such as the Twi'Lek girl wore, signifying her rank, had to be a newly arrived youngling. She didn't look familiar. She was also exceedingly young. And so full of Light it hurt to look at her.
"He's sad!" the girl called Kira yelled back, undeterred. She'd been promised answers and, as a result, dug her little heels in. He admired that.
He sighed loudly, sensing this Kira wasn't going to leave. Even using the threat of his uncle waiting wasn't enough for her to hurry along. She didn't seem the slightest bit afraid of him, unlike most of other padawans and younglings. The other students gave him a wide berth. It was partly because of his uncle and partly because of the rumors.
"You miss your mommy?" Kira asked.
He resisted the urge to roll his eyes. He still couldn't believe she hadn't run away screaming from him like the others. "Sometimes," he said, hoping it would placate her. It didn't.
"I miss mommy." There was a sad look on her face, as if she might be trying to remember her mother.
"It gets easier," he told her softly. Though, in his case, it had been much easier, given that his own mother tossed him aside instead of helping him. He tried not to think of his mother or his father. Or the supreme disappointment they both were.
The girl tugged on his robes, breaking into his thoughts. "Tell you secret?"
He eyed her. What he really wanted was for her to go away. But she motioned for him to lean down toward her. Reluctantly, with an exaggerated eye roll, he did as she bade. "Sure."
"You has big…" She pulled on her ears, scrunching her face up in thought as she tried to remember the word, and frowning when she couldn't.
"Ears?" he supplied and she nodded excitedly.
"You has big ears, Ben!"
"That's not a secret," he grumbled, moving to straighten up. She pulled on the front of his robes before he could, which forced him to eye her again. "Yes?"
"You come?"
"Come where?"
"See Aster Uke!"
"You mean Master Luke?" he tried with a raised eyebrow. She nodded.
"Aster Uke!"
He couldn't resist a laugh. It startled the padawan waiting for the youngling. The little girl before him seemed delighted.
"Okay, I'll take you to see Master Luke."
"Yay!" she declared, clambering onto him without hesitation. He froze, unused to being touched. Not even his uncle liked to touch him. Then again, Luke Skywalker had always been standoffish. This girl didn't seem to notice his hesitation as she practically crawled up his neck.
"What are you doing?" he demanded of her, half wanting to rip her off him.
"Ride!" She put an arm around her his neck.
"I'm not—" he started to grumble, but he felt the Light inside her reaching out to him. She was a ray of sunshine, of Light, calling to him. It scared the voice in his head. It pushed him out. She was too bright.
Suddenly, he knew that spending time with this girl would mean less time with the voice. With the urge to do bad things, wrong things, that hurt people. Less time with the anger.
She curled around him, hanging in such a manner he thought she might fall. He stayed half-crouched to the ground as he used his hands to rearrange her. When he was younger, his father sometimes let him sit on his shoulders. He situated the girl in a similar fashion, her legs around the back of his neck, his hands on her feet to steady her. She curled her fists around his short hair and he instinctively winced.
"Go, Ben!" she encouraged him, then let out a squeal of delight as he stood up to his full height and took a step forward.
"Don't pull. Gentle," he said sternly.
"Yes, Aster Ben!"
He shook his head slightly, careful not to hurt her. This girl was something else. But ever since she came bouncing over, he'd felt the voice in his mind quiet. She swam in the Light and he wanted nothing more than to stay here with her. To have the peace in his own head.
"Hang on… Kira."
She jerked her hand free of his grip violently. "What the hell was that?" she demanded.
"How we met."
Rey stumbled back from him, shaking her head. "No… that's not real. That's not me. I'm not that girl."
"Search my mind if you don't trust me."
"No."
"You have to choose. I'm giving you a chance to make an informed choice. Take it."
"You need a teacher! I can show you the ways of the Force!"
"I won't choose. I won't. You'll have to kill me." She held herself up tall, proud, but brimming with anger and hate. The darkness ate away at her, leaving him nearly glowing in the light, a reversal that hadn't occurred in decades.
"No, no, I think if your choice is that, you have to watch your friends perish first. And then you will be kept alive to suffer. You can't escape that easily."
"I won't let you hurt them."
"Then you know what you have to do," Ren said simply. "Extend your hand. Enter my mind. I won't fight you."
"No."
He tried to keep calm. He tried not to picture her dead by his own hand. The punishment for disobeying the Supreme Leader. An execution of an enemy of the First Order. A woman he had… compassion for. A woman who was his only weakness.
"Do it, Rey. Or I press this button here and you'll be escorted to a cell. If that happens, you will face the Supreme Leader immediately and he will order your death and theirs once he pulls the location from your mind." He let his index finger brush a beacon on his belt, not dissimilar to the tracker that saved his life on Starkiller Base.
She raised a shaking hand from her waist, hesitating. "You wouldn't…"
"The entire Resistance. Gone. I'll tell them to make sure the traitor suffers."
"No!"
Just like that, she raised her hand and plunged into his mind with a vengeance.
Author's Notes:
Whew, so I didn't have as much writing time as I hoped while away (only about twenty minutes either night, some of which were spent transcribing from OneNote to the non-cell data tablet with keyboard). Since I only had limited cell data on my phone and no WiFi, I couldn't post any excerpts this time.
The next chapter is going to be flashback heavy and fairly lengthy (2-3,000 words) so I imagine that coupled with my work schedule means the next update will be Tuesday evening. Then I should resume fairly regular (daily or every other day) posting.
Thanks for your patience while I was away!
What pieces of their past are you guys most curious about? What do you think Rey will find in his mind? Do you think she'll chose to stay? Who thinks he's bluffing about a transmitter?