The hours count down and seem to speed up with every passing day. Ben doesn't want to go. I don't want him to go. But short of him quitting his job, which will irrevocably fuck things up for him professionally, there's not much of a solution that will keep him here.
He's not going to sell his place in Seattle, which makes me hopeful he'll be back. His packing is still half done, but apparently Mitaka will send whatever is essential and leave the rest for his inevitable trips back into the city.
"So, you expect to be back in Seattle for work?" I ask through Milly's fluff as she and I sit curled up on Ben's giant couch.
"And to visit you," he assures me.
At the moment, I'm doing okay with it all. I keep reminding myself that it's not forever. I mean, we do love each other, so we'll figure it out. I even throw around the idea of moving to New York after graduation but immediately take it back when I remember how terrible the winters are out there. That's one thing I like about the Pacific Northwest, the weather is predictably dreary and reminds me of England. I can handle the weather here and I don't know if I could do the whole polar vortex thing.
And, besides, Ben doesn't seem to be too keen on moving back there, anyway.
"I was thinking, once everything gets settled, maybe we could make this our home?" Ben says while settling on the couch beside me and Milly. His big body sinks into the couch and shifts the cushions, so I end up half in his lap as Milly squaws and hops down before trotting away with an indignant tail twitch.
"Do you mean here, as in this condo? Or here as in Seattle?" I ask. I've grown to love Ben's place, not that it was hard given that it's got a gorgeous view and, most importantly, Ben, so I'd be thrilled to move in with him—after making sure Rose is okay.
"Here, Seattle, all of it. Just somewhere together, is what I was thinking."
"Do you have a timeline in mind?"
With my graduation coming up, I'll finally have my degree, which means I'll be able to apply for something other than retail or research assistant positions. The thought of having enough money to get me off of a predominantly ramen-based diet makes me so happy I could cry, which is precisely why I'm not getting my hopes up. Hope for the best, plan for the worst, and all that.
Ben sighs before pulling me fully into his lap. I awkwardly wrap my legs around his back as I sit, facing him. His head presses against mine and we sit like that for a beat as he thinks about whatever he's going to say.
His lips brush against my brow as he answers my question. "Six months to a year; sooner, if I can manage it."
I swallow around the sudden lump in my throat. "That's not so bad," I force myself to say. It sounds half-hearted, even to me.
"It sounds horrible," Ben adds, and I manage to laugh a little.
"Okay, it sounds horrible. But we'll make it work, right?"
"Of course," Ben says as his arms wrap tight around my back.
I'm going to do my best to enjoy the time we have left together, but between his work and mine, and with finals, I know it's going to be tough to see Ben as much as I'd like to. Still, I snuggle in and press my cheek against his chest as we both sit and bask in a quiet shared moment.
For right now, we have everything we need.
The Christmas season at the coffee shop is basically hell on earth. Everyone's pissed because they have to shop for the holidays, except they can't really afford to shop for the holidays so instead of being filled with Christmas cheer, they're filled with Christmas spite.
At least, it's what I've gathered over the years of working in retail and having to serve the public. You get that one odd person who's genuinely happy about the holidays and their cheer is such a contrast to the stress and frustration of everyone else, that they're almost as annoying as the cynics.
Normally, I'm pretty neutral about the holidays. Money was tight when I was a kid and my foster families didn't have much to spare on a good day, so Christmas was mostly an event that I got to watch other people enjoy. And this year, I'd hoped to spend it with Ben, but he ended up having to book his tickets to New York for Christmas eve, so instead, I'll be driving him to the airport and saying goodbye.
Which is so beyond shitty that, if I stop to think about it too much, I get teared up. So, I dig into my job and steam the fuck out of some milk while I get lost in the tempo of the coffee shop. Things at work have been a bit better since I decided to put Hux in his place, but I see Ben so infrequently at work that I know it's because of Hux—and the general shittiness and work that comes along with transferring across the country.
We're supposed to keep our heads up and smiles on while working so that we can engage with the customers, but I am just not feeling it today. I'm trying, but the most I can muster is a "Happy Holidays," which is mostly met with a smile, and sometimes and insistent, "It's Merry Christmas!" And I just barely keep from reminding them that not everyone celebrates the same holidays, but I keep it in because I'm trying to do this thing where I don't argue with people. I really don't get payed enough for the shit I go through, no retail worker does.
Only a little longer. Then you'll have your degree and you can look at getting the fuck out of retail.
Is it sad that this is my dream now, to not work in retail? It's hard work and largely thankless, and the pay is shit—never mind the corporate buy-in that expects you to treat the job as if it's some sort of magical fuckin' unicorn. For minimum fuckin' wage. I'm halfway into a trance when a familiar voice wakes me from my work-sleep.
"I'll need that Americano extra American today."
I look up and smile. Ben is standing on the other side of the espresso machine, as handsome and wonderful as ever, and it makes me so happy to see him that I almost burn myself with the steaming pitcher which is a feat.
"So, you'll want it watered down until it's unpalatable?" I joke.
"Pretty close. Don't skimp on the sugar-free vanilla, either."
I roll my eyes as I slowly pump the syrup into his grande cup. He's in the splash zone, so if I pumped too quickly, he'd definitely get sprayed with syrup, but because I'm a nice person, I don't do that.
"We're out of heavy cream, is soy milk okay?" I joke and the disgusted face Ben gives me makes it worth it.
"In what galaxy would soy be an adequate substitution for heavy cream?" he asks as I laugh.
"Yeah, yeah, grumps. I'll make your milk nice and steamy, okay?"
I finish up, lid his Americano and reach over to place his drink on the counter, but before I can get back to my drink queue, Ben reaches out and captures my hand.
"Can I kiss you goodbye?" he asks.
I debate making a joke about it being against company policy, but I resist that urge because Ben wants to kiss me and any day that Ben gives me a kiss is a good day in my books. Besides, it'll be worth the teasing from my coworkers because who in their right mind would say no to a kiss from Ben Solo—in a suit? Not this girl, that's for damn sure.
"I'd love that," I manage before stepping closer and leaning in.
I'm not usually one for big PDA moments, but when Ben leans over the counter and gently pulls me in for a kiss over his steaming Americano, it's about the most romantic thing I've ever experienced. Okay, so in the coffee shop, anyway. Being with Ben has been one great romantic experience after another, so there's a pretty high bar to exceed.
His lips are soft and plush and he tastes faintly of mint as his mouth lingers on mine, as if he'd rather not stop kissing me and, honestly, I'd rather he not stop too, but I do have work to get back to.
"See you later?" he asks, finally pulling back and deftly slipping the cup off of the counter and into his hand.
A few customers are giving him looks that range between curious and outright lustful and I can't help but feel a little smug that he's mine.
"Yeah, I'll drive out after work."
"Okay, see you soon, Sunshine," Ben calls before walking himself and his coffee out the side door of the café. He stops just short of leaving before turning back to give me a final wave, and it makes my heart so full it feels as if it's going to burst.
I do my best to get back into the coffee making routine, but I spy Finn looking over at me with such a smarmy look on his face that I can't let it go.
"What?" I grumble.
"Nothing," he says, smarmy smile still in place. "Just nice to see you happy."
Okay, so that's sweeter than I was expecting, but I should know better, Finn is the best and always has my back.
"Love you. And thank you," I reply over my shoulder before turning back to the espresso machine.
"Back at you, Rey."
The rest of the day is chaotic but good. And I'm reminded that, despite any bad, I still have amazing friends and amazing boyfriend to fall back on. For the first time in my life, I feel like I'm moving forward, instead of floundering and, while I'm not certain about where things will end up with Ben and I living on opposite sides of the country, I'm hopeful that things are finally going to be going my way.
The month passes in a blur, so it's kind of shocking when Ben's last day in Seattle comes up. We manage to spend the day before Ben's departure together. Though I'd been planning on taking him to the airport, I wasn't certain I'd be able to switch my morning shift so I could spend the day with Ben. Fortunately, Jess is a literal angel and switches with me.
It's a little hard to not notice all the boxes or the general sadness between us as we snuggle up on the couch and watch a movie. Milly's already with Mitaka, and I miss her furry little bum so much, but I don't bring it up because I don't want to upset Ben about it.
Ben orders takeout for lunch—Chinese, it's delicious and exactly what I want to eat right now. With the food containers spread out before us, I slide to the floor and scoot up to Ben's coffee table, sampling from everything as the T.V. drones on.
I'm slurping my way through some chow mein when Ben tells me his plans for New York and what he says surprises me.
"I've decided to reconnect with my mother. When I'm back in the city, I mean."
The shock must show on my face because Ben laughs. I finish chewing and ask, "What made you decide that?"
Ben shrugs. "You, I guess."
"How so?"
"Well, you've kind of helped me realize that some of what she said was right and that it's never too late to take a step in the right direction."
"I guilted you into it, didn't I?"
"No, no. Not at all. I feel like I'm seeing clearly for the first time in a long time, the things and people that I want in my life… well, my priorities have changed and I don't want to miss out on having my mother in my life anymore."
"What about your dad?" I ask.
"One step at a time," Ben replies as one cheek dimples with his crooked smile.
"One step at a time," I agree.
After we finish eating, we kind of just have a cuddle on the couch and enjoy each other's company and before I realize it, it's time for Ben and me to head to the airport. I drive, which is hilarious because my car sucks and his is being shipped in a container to New York.
Watching Ben crumple his huge frame into my tiny Toyota is amazing and, to his immense credit, he acts like he's not completely uncomfortable cramped up in the front passenger seat of my car.
We don't talk much on the way to SeaTac, just the sounds of my profanity at the shitty Seattle drivers on the 5 punctuate the silence. Ben holds my hand the entire way there. Just steady and warm around my own, which I appreciate more than I can say. The airport isn't too busy by the time we arrive, so I manage to park without issue. We grab Ben's baggage out of my tiny trunk and head towards the central terminal for check-in.
Because of security, I'm going to have to stay behind once he's all checked-in and I don't know if that makes things better or worse. I'd love to spend every last second with Ben, but I also don't want to cry my way out of the entire airport, so maybe it's better that I'll have to stay on the outside.
I hang back as Ben checks in at the Delta counter—first class, of course, so he doesn't have to wait in the incredibly long check-in line like everyone else. I mostly hold it together, but when Ben turns back and sees me, his expression is so sad that I can't help tearing up.
"Ohhhh, this fuckin' sucks!" I say with a choked little laugh as the tears start to fall.
"Yeah, it really does."
I know it's not forever. I know that. I keep telling myself that it's only temporary. But I don't know what kind of temporary. I mean, he could go back to New York and meet the woman of his dreams—the real one, the one that's better for him. Who doesn't eat too much pizza, or beer, or who's all put together and ready to pop out some gorgeous children, with insane cheekbones.
Not me. The tears really start to fall as I work myself with imaginary breakups.
To his immense credit, Ben seems to realize that I'm spiralling because he pulls me tight and holds me while I sniffle against his chest. And I almost feel better. He's so solid and warm and the smell of him is so familiar and welcome that I almost forget that he's flying across the country and won't be coming back.
Almost.
I choke back a sob as he gently rubs my back. I'm bleary eyed as I pull back and take a look at his face. He's holding back tears—eyes are red-rimmed, the tip of his nose is pink.
Oh. How much worse am I making this for him by being so ridiculous?
I take a little breath to steady myself and force a smile onto my face. "So, this is goodbye?"
"How about, see you later?" Ben suggests, but his voice is choked.
I mean to say, "I love you," but what comes out is, "Do you have to go?"
"Give me time," he replies. "I will get this sorted and find a way out of this."
"How? Aren't you under contract?"
Ben sighs before threading his hand into my hair. His lips graze the top of my head as he answers, "Yeah. But I'm working on it."
"What do you mean?"
"I have a few meetings set up in New York that might just help me figure things out and help me get out of working for Snoke."
I sigh. "I'm glad, but it's still in New York."
"Still in New York," he parrots. "You can come to visit me."
"Unfortunately, I'm not made of money, Ben."
"I've thought of that, well, not that you're not made of money, but that I might be able to help with the distance—I've got at least a dozen free flights saved up with my credit card points."
I blink at him. "I won't have time 'til the new year and I graduate, but after that, I might be able to get some time to visit."
"So, let's plan for then. This isn't goodbye," he assures me.
"Just 'smell you later'?" I joke and he doesn't get it. I've been watching Simpsons reruns with Finn and the humor is lost on Ben.
"I'm not sure… do I smell?"
I laugh as the joke goes right over his handsome head. "Yes, but like a dream. I have half a mind to buy some of your cologne just so I can spray it on my pillow to make it feel like you're closer."
I meant it as a joke, but now I've just made myself sad. Shit. How can I go from happy one second to unbelievably upset the next?
I stare up into his beautiful brown eyes and blink through the tears as he presses a kiss to my forehead, and then my nose, then my lips.
"I'll text you once I'm through security," he says, voice choked as he starts to say his final goodbye.
"I love you."
"I love you too."
He's trying to keep it together, probably for my benefit, but the tears threaten to spill over as he looks at me, and gives me one final, tight hug before heading to the security checkpoint. He goes and I watch as he disappears from sight. He goes and I do nothing. He goes and looks back once as he gives a half-hearted wave before disappearing through security.
I turn around and stumble through the dreary airport and I'm certain I must look crazy because people clear right out of my way as I quickly walk-run through the terminal. I manage to make it back to my car and I settle into the backseat and curl up to wait for Ben's text.
Ben: Through security fine. Love you, Sunshine.
Me: Love you, Ben.
I'm not going to be able to drive right away because I'm crying too hard, so basically, I lay in the back of my tiny car and have a good sob before I'm able to sufficiently get my shit together. I try to remind myself that it's not forever, but at the moment, it's hard to focus on the positive when my heart feels like it's breaking.
Eventually, I manage to calm myself down and make it to the front seat. I buckle in and get out of SeaTac and onto the highway. It's late by the time I leave the airport which is better for me because it's outside of rush hour, which would make things so much worse. And I make it almost all the way back to the U District before I have to pull over at a gas station and have another good cry.
I'm going to be okay. I know I'm going to be okay. I don't have any other options other than to be okay. But fuck, do I hate this. There's this feeling that comes along with meeting someone special, someone that gets you like no one else in the world, and it's so intoxicating that even the thought that I won't be able to see Ben as frequently as I'd like is enough to send me spiralling.
It feels like heartbreak. I hate it. I know he'll be back, but I hate I even have to spend a moment away from him. I know that sounds codependent, but I don't mean that I couldn't like function without him if I had to, but I just don't want to. He's important to me. Sharing my life with him is important to me. And I want to get to the end of my days and know that I spent every second I could with Ben Solo.
I want to have so many memories, fill my time up with love and laughter and maybe a little sadness and anger, but mostly good, full memories that wrap around my heart and keep me happy and content until my time comes.
And I hope when it does, I'm beside Ben. And I hope he knows how much I love him, how much I've always loved him, and how much I'll love him from this life and into the next. And so, it's with a face full of tears and a nose full of snot that I manage to get home, park, and into my apartment before the tears come again.
Rose is working, so I head to my room and curl up on my bed, taking a peek at my phone as I lay and try to calm myself down. There's a message from Ben, he must have sent it during his stopover.
Ben: How you holding up, Sunshine?
Me: been better. how you holding up?
Ben: Been better. Weather report says it's snowing in New York.
Me: its raining here. boo for snow. boo for new york being so far.
Ben: Boo indeed. Boarding starting soon. Will text you when I arrive. Love you, Sunshine.
Me: love you Ben. to the moon and back
I toss my phone to the side and snuggle into my pillow and pretend it's Ben's chest. Christmas is going to be a little bleak without Ben here—our first as a couple, and we have to spend it apart. I'm going to take tonight for myself, cry as much as I need to, but tomorrow I'm going to enjoy the family I've found with my friends, I'm going to submit my final paper, and then I'm going to look ahead and hope for a brighter New Year.
Author's Note: Sorry, my energy levels lately have been non-existent, so I've had to break up my writing a bit because otherwise I'm just not going to be able to get anything done. So, to tie you over, I'll give you a spoiler: Rey's going to NYC after the holidays :D Ever cried yourself sick at an airport? Simultaneously the worst/most embarrassing thing ever. LOL 10/10 do not recommend. Poor Rey and Ben. Thank god for happy endings in stories, otherwise, I don't know where I'd be. Cheers, all! Thanks for reading and for your lovely comments. They all keep me going even when I don't wanna keep going :)