CHAPTER TEN: Saturday – Examining Love

Bianca rolled Zoe's wheelchair toward her room. She was terribly worried about Maggie and very confused about her feelings for both women. First, she needed to find out what Zoe was up to.

"So, you want to tell me what's going on in that brain of yours?" Bianca questioned.

"Who me? That's a question you need to ask yourself," Zoe countered.

"Alright, it's not like you to avoid talking to me, Zoe."

"I could say the same to you," Zoe retorted.

"Stop playing this game or I'm going to get angry again." Bianca warned.

"Please Bianca! I don't think any of this is a game." Zoe sighed.

"Then tell me what's up."

They had reached Zoe's room. Zoe made a show of getting settled in bed in order to stall while she planned her approach.

"Would you get me some water? We don't want me to get dehydrated again, do we?" Zoe handed Bianca a paper cup. Bianca filled it from the hospital water pitcher and Zoe made a great deal out of drinking it all. Bianca was filling the cup again when Zoe started on her approach.

"First let's agree on some things, alright?"

"Okay," Bianca said dubiously, handing the cup back to Zoe.

"You love me?"

"Of course."

"And our friendship is important?"

"Very."

"You would do anything to maintain that friendship?"

"Probably," Bianca replied suspiciously.

"Good. And I would do anything for you." Zoe smiled and continued, "Bianca, though we have known each other for only a short time I know you very well."

"We are simpatico, as you have said many times," Bianca replied with a small smile as she settled on the bed beside Zoe.

Zoe decided to come right to the point. "Because we are simpatico, I know you are still in love with Maggie. Hold on, before you protest let me finish."

"I wasn't going to protest," Bianca murmured quietly.

"Good girl." Zoe smiled as her heart turned over. It still hurt a little even though she knew the truth.

"I'm not sure I can be with Maggie. And you are too important to me. I could never let go of you." Bianca took Zoe's hand in hers.

"I plan to hold on very tight. That I know for sure." Zoe squeezed Bianca's hand. "But, you have something very marvelous in your life. You have two people who love you very much. You shouldn't have to choose between us."

"I think I've made my choice. I'm with you." Bianca squeezed Zoe's hand in return.

"But you can't be with me."

"That doesn't make any sense; I am with you," Bianca dismissed.

"Not the way you should be. Despite all our posturing about love transcending the physical you deserve a physically intimate relationship."

"We can have a physical relationship. We do have a physical relationship." Bianca kissed Zoe's hand.

"Kissing, cuddling and caressing are not what I am talking about. I can't or won't have sex till I come fully to terms with this body of mine. And this is not the body you want."

"I won't give up on you just because we're not having sex," Bianca protested.

"I know you won't give up on me and I love you for it. I'm not asking you to. I would be lost without you. But Bianca, though I want to make the physical transition into a woman, I'm not ready yet. I have a lot of things to deal with first."

"And I want to help," Bianca said firmly.

"I need you to. But I'm telling you to be open to all the possibilities in your life."

"I sort of pride myself on being open. Look at you and me," Bianca said defensively.

"Yes, but I'm saying you don't have to love only one person in your life."

"I don't. There are plenty of people I love. My mother, Kendal, Uncle Jack -"

"Maggie. You can love both of us at the same time," Zoe interrupted.

"I may be open, but I'm not into threesomes," Bianca teased, a little taken aback.

Zoe laughed. "That is not what I meant, though now that you bring it up…" she returned the tease, waggling her eyebrows.

"Stop that." Bianca blushed.

"Bianca, you can have us both in your life. You have so much to give. You don't have to let go of me to have Maggie."

"You know what's really ironic? Maggie and I dance around our relationship for years. It was a non-sexual one for the longest time." Bianca rose from the side of the bed.

"It was easier wasn't it?" Zoe said knowingly.

"What? No, it drove me crazy. I was definitely attracted to Maggie, but our friendship was more important to me." Bianca laughed ruefully as she crossed the room.

"But it didn't hurt as much when the relationship was interrupted," Zoe pointed out.

"What do you mean?"

"From what you've told me, both you and Maggie had relationships with other people during that time. And you ended up together no matter who came between you. But the minute you committed to each other intimately the stakes changed. It hurt more when somebody came between you."

"Of course it did."

"You're scared of that hurt, aren't you?"

"Yes, I don't think I would survive it again." Tears filled Bianca's eyes.

"And here I am; the most safe, unsafe relationship you've ever had," Zoe chuckled.

"If you think I'm with you because we're not sexually involved you're wrong," Bianca protested.

"I hope you're with me because I am the most fascinating, loving person you've ever met," Zoe teased.

"See, you do know me," Bianca teased back.

"It is easier because we are not sexually involved. We can be there for each other but the stakes aren't as high. But our relationship is not like when you and Maggie were first together is it?"

"No, it's not like that at all," Bianca realized. From the first moment she and Maggie met there was a bond. There was a strong chemistry between them, and, yes, sexual tension, though neither admitted to it. She and Zoe's relationship had built slowly to admiration into friendship then love.

"But you are worried Maggie would hurt you again. Is that why you don't think you can be with her?"

Bianca remained silent as she thought about what Zoe was saying.

"Bianca, in trying to avoided pain are you giving up a chance at happiness? If it's Maggie you truly love shouldn't you risk being with her? Shouldn't you be willing to take a chance for happiness? Maggie was willing to die to give it to you."

"Why are you being so altruistic? Why are you pushing me to Maggie?" Bianca started to bristle.

"You just avoided the question. And why is it every time we discuss Maggie's sacrifice for you, you get angry?"

"I didn't ask her to do that," Bianca snapped as she started to pace the room.

"She's put you in an awful situation hasn't she? She's made you remember why you love her. Terribly unfair of her isn't it?"

"Yes. No! I mean…oh, God." Bianca sank down in the chair beside the bed. Maggie's sacrifice had reminded Bianca of all the times Maggie had been there for her, sometimes to the detriment of Maggie's own life. The thought that she had done it again and may not live because of it terrified Bianca. She couldn't fathom living without Maggie.

"Tell her how you feel and while you're at it ask her why she cheated. You owe it to yourself."

"What about you?" Bianca suddenly realized what Zoe might be trying to do. "Are you doing this to be noble or as some sort of payback to Maggie for saving your life? Because if you are then forget it."

"I do feel an obligation to Maggie. But this is about you not her. I want you to come to terms with your feelings for her." Zoe paused for effect. "Bianca, Maggie will always be between us if you don't find a way to come to terms with your love for her."

"I thought I had," Bianca said exasperate.

"No, you are ignoring it because it is easier than facing it."

Bianca couldn't argue, though every fiber inside her wanted to.

"Our relationships are not mutually exclusive. If you decide she's the person you want to be with, I can still be a part of your life."

"But our relationship would change," Bianca worried.

"Honey, no matter what happens between you and Maggie; I will always be a very important part of your life. I'm going to be right there getting in the way. You will have to make Maggie understand. I won't be jealous and I don't want her jealous of me. But I will be selfish when I need you."

"I promise I will be there when you need me. I need you too." Bianca looked at Zoe with warmth and compassion.

"Good. I figure there are three possible outcomes from talking honestly to Maggie. One, you realize you and Maggie are over and you come to me for support. I heal your broken heart and we go off into the platonic sunset together."

Bianca realized that was exactly what she had been doing. Though she wasn't over Maggie, she had been using Zoe to salve her heart.

"Two, you and Maggie decide to try and mend your relationship," Zoe continued. "She balks at my presence, but desperate for your return she agrees to include me in your life. Through my great charm and charisma, I eventually win her over and the two of you adopt me. Miranda and I grow up together.

And the worst case scenario, you and Maggie run away into the sunset without me, leaving me an embittered woman. I write countless songs about lost love and become even more rich and famous."

Bianca laughed in spite of herself. "This isn't funny you know. Maggie and I have so much to work through. And I would never run away into the sunset without you."

"Bianca, I don't want our relationship to be destroyed because you never get over Maggie. And I don't want to be the consolation prize. Maybe I'm being naïve but I think the three of us can live happily ever after."

"I think you're being terribly naïve. But knowing I have you in my life makes it easier for me to talk to Maggie. You don't mind me using you as a safety net do you? It seems very unfair to you."

"Since I've known you, you have been my safety net; I would love the chance to be yours." Zoe smiled.

Zoe was right; Bianca had to come to terms with her love for Maggie. Maggie had more than proven her love for Bianca over the last 36 hours. But if Maggie loved her so much why had she been unfaithful? It was time Bianca listened to the answer.