Disclaimer: Characters belong to Stephenie Meyer

A/N: This is the chapter many of you wanted most. I hope you like it :-)

Chapter 10: Into Your Hands

Honey you are a rock
Upon which I stand
And I come here to talk
I hope you understand

That green eyes, yeah the spotlight shines upon you
And how could anybody deny you?
And honey you should know, that I could never go on without you

I came here with a load
And it feels so much lighter now I've met you

Green Eyes, Coldplay

~August~

I woke the morning after Alice and Jasper's wedding feeling strangely deflated. For the first time in months there was nothing to do, no one to cook breakfast for, nothing to clean or pack, no deadline to rush towards. There was no smell of coffee wafting through the apartment or the low murmur of Alice voice.

I lay in bed for a long time, not knowing what to do with myself. At least the stillness gave me plenty of time to think, something I needed badly; I knew I never would have been able to concentrate so easily if Alice had been around. I wondered briefly if she was having fun on her honeymoon before I pushed her out of my thoughts entirely. I had spent the last two months working to get her settled into her new life and now it was time for me to focus on my own future, on what I wanted— needed it to look like.

I took a long shower, savoring the way the hot water soothed my tense muscles. I hadn't had a really debilitating attack in weeks but my chest felt achy and tight, which was almost worse in a way than an outright attack. I had noticed other things too, like how I sometimes couldn't catch my breath after walking up the stairs and how I couldn't always breathe as deeply as I wanted to.

The moving company came a little after eleven to take away the rest of Alice's boxes and furniture. When they were gone I walked around the empty rooms feeling more than ever like an intruder, skulking around a space that had never and would never belong to me. The entire apartment was empty save for a blow up mattress that Edward had loaned me, my own few possessions, paper dishes, plastic utensils and some leftovers in the fridge. I'd never felt more transitory in my entire life.

Alice had never come right out and asked what I was planning to do after she left; I wondered if she was just trying to be polite or if her freaky sixth sense had already clued her onto my plans. I hoped not; one of the only things giving me the courage to move forward was the knowledge that only Edward would know if it worked out badly. Despite my uncertainty over the outcome, one thing was for sure however, I would not be going back to Charlie's; I'd live in my truck first.

And so I waited, sitting on the floor of the living room with my laptop open beside me, wondering if he would come. I had a feeling he would but there was no way to be certain… what if he didn't?

Relief shot through me when the door opened only an hour after the movers left and Edward walked inside, the habitual easy-going smirk absent from his face. He looked down at me for a few seconds, then reached a hand out to help me to my feet. He wrapped his arms comfortingly around my waist and I leaned my head against his shoulder, my body thrilling at the small touch that was becoming almost an ordinary occurrence between us. I should have known that he would notice my depression without my needing to say a word.

We stood there for a while, just holding each other. "It was a beautiful wedding," I said finally, pressing my cheek further into his warm t-shirt. "I know Alice was so happy you came." I could feel Edward nodding above me but he didn't reply. I wondered what he was thinking about.

We pulled away from each other then and looked at the unavoidable emptiness around us. I slumped dejectedly against the wall, causing Edward to turn towards me. "Come on, we have to get out of here. There's a place I go to sometimes, when I need to think. Will you let me take you there?' he asked. "It's kind of a hike to get to, but I think you'll like it."

I smiled up at him, nodding enthusiastically. I wanted nothing more than to get out of the apartment, and, as pathetic as it sounded, I knew I'd let Edward take me anywhere.

After I changed into more hiking appropriate clothes and shoes, Edward and I got into his Volvo and drove to a long dirt road just outside Forks. I normally wasn't a huge fan of the woods, and I was feeling a little apprehensive since Dr. Thompson's warning against strenuous activity was still fresh on my mind, but Edward kept up a sedate, easy pace as he led me through unbroken forest. I kept waiting to come across a trail but we never did.

When it dawned on me that we probably weren't going to I turned incredulously towards Edward. "Don't tell me that one day you just decided you were going to ignore all the trails around here and go wandering off by yourself?" I asked, marveling inwardly how Edward seemed to know exactly where he was going even though he had no map or GPS. "You must have gotten lost…"

"Once or twice," he shrugged, a teasing quality in his voice. "Don't you know that's the best part?"

"It wouldn't surprise me if you did," I smirked.

He laughed, and then his voice became more serious. "No, in the beginning I used my GPS, I wasn't that stupid. But I've been coming here so long now that I know exactly where I am."

We talked quietly as we walked. It was a beautiful day, sunlight dappled down through the thick overhang of trees above us. Every now and then Edward would stop to point out some beautiful thing to me—the way moss had grown across a fallen log, a huge tree that was so wide across that it would have taken two of me to wrap my arms all the way around it, a bird alighting from a tree. He held my hand, helping me across the uneven ground, keeping me from stumbling.

At last, I began to see a distinct lightening in the trees ahead of us. Edward did too, and he seemed to speed up at the sight of it; I wondered if that was where Edward was taking me. When we came closer Edward hung back slightly, letting me go forward by myself. As I stepped through the edge of the trees, my mouth opened in surprise.

It was a meadow, a wide beautiful meadow, with a gorgeous panoramic view of the mountains beyond. There had been a quick shower earlier and the grass seemed to sparkle as the bright sunlight reflected off the raindrops. I whipped around, looking for Edward, wanting to thank him for bringing me here. He was standing a couple feet behind me, leaning against a tree trunk, watching me intently.

"It's beautiful," I whispered. "I've never seen anything like this before." I turned around to take in the view again, and slowly began to walk into the meadow. "Isn't that sad. I've lived here basically my whole life and I never knew anything like this existed."

Edward came to stand next to me. "See, sometimes it's better not to follow any trails."

"Kind of like the Robert Frost poem," I nodded. "Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—I took the one less traveled by, and it has made all the difference," I recited. "That's you Edward."

He frowned down at me. "I wouldn't quite say that."

"Really? It always seemed like you were used to going your way. I remember when you first moved to Forks— no matter what anyone said about you, you just did your own thing and never let any of that pettiness get to you. I always admired that, a little jealous too."

"Who says it never bothered me?" he asked quietly, taking a blanket out from the backpack he had brought, and spreading it out on the ground.

"Does it bother you?"

"I never understood it," he answered. "When I first came here I just wanted to be left alone; it made no sense to me why everyone cared so much. I may understand a little better now, but that doesn't mean I'm any happier about it."

"You were just different," I said, sitting down on beside him. I wanted to move closer to him, touch him, reassure him that I didn't care about the gossip, but a blank, disinterested mask was securely back over Edward's face again, hiding his feelings from me. I had lately begun to see the edges of the mask crumble slightly, to see it fade every now and then when he was happy or laughing.

I hated that mask.

"I remember the first time I saw you," I said, moving closer to him, lightly touching his arm. "I was going to work one day and you were across the street. You looked so tired." I lifted my hand to trace his cheek with the tips of my fingers. "I knew you must have been the guy everyone was talking about, by then all the rumors were going around like crazy… but when I saw you I knew I didn't care."

I moved towards him, dropping my hand to his shoulder to steady myself. Edward was looking at me, a wary expression on his face, but underneath it I could see that familiar pull in his eyes, like he wanted this just as badly as I did but was afraid to let himself go so far. I leaned towards him, half-smiling, not caring at all if I was acting like an idiot.

"Bella—" he began warningly, but I shook my head, covering his lips with my fingers.

"Please be quiet Edward; I promise you can say anything you want to afterwards but right now I just really, really want to kiss you."

To my astonishment, he did stop talking. He rolled his eyes and his lips quirked upwards as if to say I knew this would happen, and he wrapped his arms around me, pulling me closer. Excitement coursed through me as I pressed my lips to his, still feeling a little uncertain. I was so new to the whole kissing thing… and I wanted so badly for Edward to enjoy it too. To be good enough.

It began as a sweet kiss, very similar to the first and only one we had ever shared, slow and exploratory, just us learning the feel of each other. And then Edward relaxed fully, his arms tightened around me, pulling me closer and I melted into him because I didn't know any other way. My senses were overwhelmed, touch and taste and sound—everything was Edward.

He fell back against the blanket holding me firmly on top of him, my mouth opened—the tip of my tongue brushed against his and moan tore its way out of my chest.

I pulled away with a gasp.

"Bella…" Edward said, his voice gritty and low.

"I know," I sighed, breathing heavily. Kissing Edward was blissful, intoxicating, I wanted more, but it was also terribly unfair. A lie, because even though he knew more about me than anyone, he still didn't know enough.

"I want to tell you something Edward," I said, my voice faltering as I rolled away from him on the blanket and sat up. "I almost told you the night of that concert, but I—I couldn't. I wasn't ready yet." I bit my lip, still tasting him there. "When we were talking about why I moved in with Alice I left something out, something really important."

I took a deep breath; this was it. I was going to tell Edward. Everything.

And the funny thing was that I actually wanted to tell him. My parents, my friends, people I had known my entire life—the thought of them knowing about my diagnosis filled me with terror. But telling Edward Masen—a man I knew literally nothing about—that was okay. More than okay, I actually wanted to. I wondered if it would feel good, if I would feel any lighter after sharing the burden. I wondered if Edward would look at me any differently.

But it didn't matter, even if it screwed up my life even more, even if Edward never looked at me the same way again…

Because. Just because.

Edward's eyebrow arched, waiting for me to continue. "I left because I didn't have any more time to waste waiting on other people. There's something I've—I've never told anyone this, not my parents or even Alice. I couldn't stand it if they knew."

My heart was beating rapidly and I unconsciously put my hand over it, remembering the shattering pain. My whole body was shaking, and I felt clammy cold.

You don't have to do this Bella. You can go to back to Charlie's, and it will be safe and easy and nothing—good or bad—will ever happen to you again. All you have to do is say 'I'm sorry' and walk away.

But I looked into Edward's eyes, those shocking green eyes, and I knew I wasn't that person anymore, the one who ran away whenever things got hard, who couldn't deal. I wanted Edward to understand—to really understand, to see every shitty, broken part of me, to really know me better than any other person in the world.

Edward's warm hand covered mine. And it was that small gesture that I needed to finally speak.

And so I told him. I told him about the first morning I had woken up with what I thought was a bad case of heartburn, how the pain had worsened over the following months until it had become unbearable. I told him about that final doctor's appointment that had shattered my entire world.

I didn't leave anything out.

And when I was done Edward just stared at me.

"You haven't told anyone else about this?" he finally said after an awful silence. "What about Alice?" He ran his fingers through his hair, looking more unsettled than I had ever seen him.

"You're the only one who knows," I answered, wishing that I could be the one running my fingers through his hair.

Edward didn't say anything for a long moment, didn't even look at me as he processed what I had just told him. I held my breath, knowing his next inevitable question would be the hardest to answer… but I promised myself that I would be honest when I answered it.

Edward looked across at me and said just one word. "Why?" And then he shook his head. "Why did you tell me this?"

Honesty Bella, I told myself. It was time to tell the truth.

I shrugged. "Because it's you."

"Bella—" but I interrupted him before he could speak. I had to do this, for myself as much as for Edward. Meeting Alice again after so many years had been lucky, but she was only the first step in taking back control over my life; I was going to have to go so much further if I truly wanted to be happy. No one was going to magically appear this time and make everything better; I was going to have to do it on my own.

"No, let me go first please," I said, my voice unsteady. My heart was pounding heavily in my chest, I was shaking all over and I had broken out in a cold sweat but I still managed to smile at Edward. He was so beautiful to me—unsure and confused and trusting as he was. "There's something else I need to tell you."

Could I really do it? Lay my entire self open for Edward to see… to judge? Telling him about my heart was a cake walk compared to all the secrets I had locked away. I curled my arm over my chest, an unconscious gesture that I was making more and more often these days. Suddenly, I felt an overwhelming need to look anywhere but at Edward—because one look into his eyes and I was certain I would lose whatever nerve I had. And I couldn't chicken out now, not when I was so close, but the weight of it was heavy on me… these words would change the rest of my life.

One way or the other.

"My whole life," I whispered, closing my eyes, "I never wanted anyone to know what I was really thinking and feeling. I was always afraid that if people… saw too much of me then they wouldn't like me, and so it just seemed easier to be this bland boring person than to put myself out there like that. But I don't want to be that person anymore Edward—" I opened my eyes and looked straight up into his intense green ones. His gaze was fixed, unwavering on my face, and there was no repulsion or dislike in it, just a very quiet sort of understanding. "I can't be that person anymore."

My fingers were shaking uncontrollably as I tentatively reached out for Edward's hand. I didn't know where I was getting the courage from, but I needed to feel his skin on mine. And impossibly, his hand closed around mine, squeezing reassuringly.

"I'm going to die." It was a relief to say the words in such an unapologetic, blunt way. No more damn euphemisms or skirting around it, just the plain honest truth. "But before I do, I want to live. For the first time in my life I'm doing what I want to do, even if it's crazy or weird or stupid… And I'm trying to say what I really feel, especially to you, because this is so important that I have to be honest. To be anything else would be unfair."

I dropped my head into my hands. "I don't want be afraid anymore. And God—it sounds so easy when I put it that way," my voice dropped to a whisper, "but I'm terrified Edward. Being honest scares me more than anything else in my life." I finally met his gaze, feeling my whirling thoughts and emotions solidify into one absolute certainty. "But the truth is I love you."

"I love you," I repeated in a stronger voice. A feeling of intense relief shot through me, and a small choked exhale escaped my lips. I had done it—no matter how Edward reacted—I had said the words, unburdened myself of them. I could breathe, for the first time in weeks I could breathe.

Edward's fingers turned to stone around mine though his expression didn't change. I regretfully pulled my hand from his, wanting to give him space to process my words.

A faint tinge of color touched his cheeks, but at last he spoke. "Bella, you know I don't…" he stuttered uncertainly. "I don't feel the same way… I don't love you."

I struggled not to let any change in expression touch my face. It's not about how he feels Bella—it's how you feel. It's about finally being brave enough to let yourself actually want something.

"I know," I answered. "It's okay; I just had to say it."

"I like you; I really do like you Bella—but just not that way." I nodded, not really surprised. I knew it was really better that way.

Did I want Edward to love me? I looked into eyes, bright, vivid, alive, and felt the fire inside that he caused, the wrenching butterflies in my stomach. My lips tingled as I remembered what it felt like to kiss him. I wanted to do it again… I wanted to do more than kiss. My heart sputtered unevenly as I imagined what it would be like.

I wanted to lie in bed at night with his arms around me, and I wanted to breathe him in until I knew his scent by heart, and I wanted to watch him all the time, knowing that I had a right to watch him. And so, if I was being completely honest, of course I wanted him to love me back. I wanted to hear him murmur the words, and I wanted him to feel the same ache for me that I felt for him.

But I had a year—less than a year really— and I couldn't be so selfish when I didn't have forever to give him in return. So I would take whatever he gave me, whatever I could get. I would take his kisses, I'd take his conversation, I'd take lying in his arms at night and waking up beside him every morning if he would let me have them. I would give whatever I could in return—pitiful as it was—because I was already asking for far, far too much.

He would miss me when I was gone, as a friend, since we'd already proven that we could be that, good friends even. But when it was over I would not leave him aching the way he would ache if he loved me. His heart would be whole, intact, unbroken, not even bruised. I could give him that peace at least.

I would give anything, do anything. It was the only way. Especially if he gave me what I asked for in return.

Edward was staring at me; I could see the pieces clicking inside his head and I knew he understood, maybe more than I wanted him to. Pity softened his face.

"I could keep talking Edward, I could go on and on and explain all my reasons but really it comes down to two things: I love you and I want to spend the rest of my life with you.

And that's why I have to—why I have to ask…"

My heart was beating so fast that I was sure he could hear it, I felt lightheaded and dizzy and I couldn't help but wonder where sane, rational Bella had gone. And yet… there was an inner calmness too. What was the worst thing that could happen?

"What is it Bella?" Edward asked, sensing my nervousness. "You know you can ask anything."

Anything? I wondered if he really meant that, there was really only one way to find out…

"Will you marry me?"

Ok—I know! But after New Moon, I just couldn't resist that ending! So, be honest... did anyone see that coming? I promise, more will be explained in the next chapter.

In the meantime, leave me a review and let me know what you think ;-)