I lost track of how long I had been standing in the hallway staring after Bella. It was long after she left, in fact, that I even realized that I was still standing there. Her breathing had gradually slowed from erratic and uneven gasps to the slow, measured breaths that she could only achieve in sleep.
So many things about the recent events were unclear, but the one thing that was clear was the fact that I had been wrong about Bella completely moving on. Sure, she might have a fiancé, and sure, she might not love me the way she once had… but she still had feelings for me. I didn't know how potent those feelings were, but their presence was a comfort in itself. She might be engaged, but was her love for this other man enough to overpower her still present feelings for me? Why had she so suddenly aborted her aversion of me? It had been enough that she was even speaking to me without other people around to moderate, but she had kissed me. She had kissed me like she had never kissed me before. The ferocity and hunger in that single passionate kiss, however ephemeral it may have been, was unlike any display of affection she or I had ever allowed with each other. Why now? Was she trying to prove to herself that she belonged with me? Not that I held any objection to that at all, it just seemed so sudden and unexpected. It was sudden and unexpected… and wonderful, all the same.
I continued struggling with my thoughts until I heard the crunch of gravel in the driveway signifying the end of the school day and my siblings return home. I shook my head, clearing the fog that my musings had settled upon me, and disappeared back into my room. I sat on the floor, cross legged, staring straight ahead. I had spent a lot of my time like this when I had been without Bella, and experience had taught me that even if you didn't want to, you were bound to get lost in thought in such a position. I had spent many days and nights as an unmoving statue, staring unblinkingly ahead and thinking about nothing but Bella, and I certainly had a lot to think about now.
I ignored the sounds of my family entering and dispersing throughout the house until Rosalie's thoughts alerted me that she was about to address me in some way. I turned my head toward the mistakenly open door, saving a moment to regret closing it before Rosalie walked by. She slowed for a moment on her way to her own room to discard her backpack, turning her head to look at me.
"You're welcome." She smirked acerbically before disappearing into her room.
"Hah." I scoffed, though she was already gone. I didn't have time to wonder what she had meant by that before her presence in the doorway was replaced by Alice's small figure. She stood, staring at me with wide golden eyes and a huge grin on her face. After she neglected to offer any explanation after a moment, I began searching through her thoughts for my answers.
First, all I saw was a scene played out in extreme exaggeration.
Alice was sitting in the center of a crowded classroom that was in the middle of a lecture when she suddenly gave out a loud squeal of delight. The entire classroom shifted to look at her, but she paid no attention to them. She continued bouncing in her seat and emitting delighted squeaks as if she was watching a football game that nobody else could see.
"Excuse me?" The teacher, a large balding man in a grey vest and red polka dotted bow tie challenged, feigning the authority that teachers were bestowed with in their own classroom, though it was obvious that he wasn't a very intimidating teacher.
Alice ignored him, still making strange and excited noises that obviously were not in reaction to his lecture on the duties of a housewife during the civil war era.
"Ms. Cullen!" He raised his voice a little more, finally catching her attention.
"Oh, what!?" She snapped, immediately recognizing the error she had just made and grimacing at the many faces turned towards her.
"We're all so interested in hearing what was so exciting to you, I'm sure.." The teacher began in an agitating and nasally voice that left no doubt in my mind that Alice hadn't been the only one not listening to his lecture, "But I'm sure the attendants in the office would so love to hear the story also, so why don't you bring it there and keep it out of my classroom."
Alice's face fell momentarily as she stood to exit, no doubt considering the many ways she could murder this ridiculous excuse for a teacher before she quickly exited without speaking. As soon as she was in the hallway, though, her huge smile returned.
I couldn't quite understand what could have been exciting enough to Alice that would erase the predictable mortification at messing her perfect student record, but then I saw the vision that replayed in her head; an obvious justification for her behavior.
Even watching a secondhand replay of myself and Bella's transient enthusiasm towards each other was a magnificent splendor. I paid special attention to the way her body curved against mine as if she was trying to procure as much contact with me as possible, and the way her fingers knotted in my hair, securing the kiss for as long as possible.
The vision ended there, and I refocused my attention on Alice's huge grin before playing with her excitement a little.
"Is that all you saw?"
She shrugged and nodded, her smile still fully intact.
"So you missed the part where she ran out apologizing and telling me that it was a mistake and she shouldn't have done that?"
Her face fell immediately.
"No!" She gasped.
I nodded, almost feeling her spirit drop in synchronization with her smile.
"But, she did hint that she still has feelings for me before she went in her room.."
I expected her face to jump back into the large grin, but instead, she looked at me blankly, struggling with the urge to cross the room and smack me upside the head.
"Oh really Edward." She scolded, placing her hands on her hips as her eyes narrowed into a glare. "Her jumping on you and making out with you wasn't any hint to that at all? Are you really that thick?"
I opened my mouth to retort before realizing that she was right and letting my words vanish as a sigh of submission.
"So are you going to talk to her then?" She urged.
"No."
"Edward, wha-"
"I'm letting her call the shots here, Alice. Whatever she decides, I will accept it regardless of its effect on me. I am not about to try to force her into choosing me over her fiancé. She will decide what she feels is right…"
"Did you tell her you still love her?"
"Yes… er- no." I hadn't. I had whispered it after she had gone. Her human ears couldn't have possibly picked that up. "But, the same rules apply, Alice. I kissed her back. I certainly didn't say no… how else could she perceive that?"
"You know Bella. She never believed she deserved you when we lived in Forks, and she certainly wont believe it now. She has a very low opinion of herself.."
"Alice. I'm letting her call the shots." I repeated. "She will come talk to me if she wants to.."
A momentary distant look crossed Alice's face before she grinned again and skipped off throwing only the phrase - "She will." over her shoulder as she departed.
Well ,Alice certainly seemed to be connecting with Bella again. She was starting to see her future, which was a good sign, albeit annoying that she once again had more insight than me.
I waited for Bella that night, but she never came. Alice hadn't been specific about the when and where attached to Bella's visit, she only said that it would happen.
I hunted that night after Bella fell asleep, not wanting to risk more than what I had already risked with her. I drank my fill and then some; over precautionary steps to ensuring her safety. I took as much time hunting as I could, letting my mind wander over the events of the day and the potential events of the days to come. It didn't take long for me to come to the conclusion that now, when Bella left, if Bella left, it was going to be harder than it had any potential of being before. I had been prepared, in a sense, for her departure before yesterday. The single blissful moment of passion had completely negated any preparations I had made in myself, though. Above all, the kiss had renewed my failing sense of hope. Where before there had been nothing but a dread for the inevitable, there was now a underlying confidence in newfound possibilities.
An incoming text message drew me out of my reverie.
1 text from: Alice The phone read. I flipped open the screen and read quickly
Come home. Bella can't sleep.
In an instant I flung myself off of my crouching position on the tree stump and bolted for the vehicle, cursing Alice the whole way for not giving me some kind of a warning when she had the vision to begin with. The Volvo spit up a cloud of dirt as I tore out of the forest surrounded clearing and ripped onto the road in a resounding squeal of rubber on asphalt. 120 miles per hour and 6 minutes later I slowed to a halt in the driveway of our home.
She's awake. Alice's inner voice warned from inside the house.
"Crap." I muttered under my breath. I didn't want to burst in through the front door just in case she was on her way up to talk to me. There was no real reason why, I just didn't think that it would set the environment for a productive talk very well.
Jamming my keys into my pocket, I took a running leap at the wall around the side of the house, curling my fingers around the windowsill and hoisting myself in through the window which I didn't remember leaving open. Shrugging off the conveniently open window as an action of Alice's I sprang across the room to the door, figuring that it would be more inviting to Bella and leave less time for hesitation or second thoughts if it was already open. I wrenched the door open to find Bella, poised in the hallway with her fist elevated in the air as I had interrupted her mid-knock.
"Oh!" She staggered forward a little, her fist dropping lifelessly to her side and her cheeks flushing with embarrassment; the exact emotion I was trying to avoid causing. Her eyes met mine for a split second before she dropped them hastily, searching for something else to focus on.
"I… I couldn't sleep." She supplied.
"Ah," I nodded, feigning surprise. "Would you like to… come in?"
She hesitated, peering around my shoulder at my bedroom before nodding slightly. I moved out of the way, and she walked carefully into the room, surprisingly shutting the door behind her.
She stood for a moment in the middle of the room, her arms crossed, searching for words and staring at the patterns in the carpeting.
"I'm sorry." She finally offered.
"For what, Bella? You don't need to apologize." I argued.
"No… I do. I should never have…" She hesitated, obviously uncomfortable with the situation she currently found herself in, "I never should have kissed you. I'm engaged, Edward. It was wrong of me."
"Isabella, you don't need to explain yourself to me." I assured her.
"I just… I shouldn't have done that. It was impulsive and stupid and… I'm engaged, for Gods sake!"
"I know, Bella. I know. It's okay."
"Its not okay, though. Jacob doesn't deserve to be treated like that." She argued, self loathing dripping like acid from her words.
I fell silent for a moment, staring at her troubled expression and wishing so much that there was something I could do to make her feel better.
"He's a lucky man." I finally concluded to her.
"How is he lucky!? He leaves his fiancé for a few months, and she ends up making out with her ex boyfriend. How does that make him lucky in any way?!"
"You love him. That's what makes him lucky." I shrugged honestly.
She bit her lip, her discomfort filling the room at an almost tangible rate.
"You do love him, right?" I frowned.
"There.." she shifted, her eyes jumping all over the room as if searching for a way out of answering. "There's more to it than that."
"What more is there other than love. You either love him or you don't Bella, there are no variables." I regretted my tone after I said it. I shouldn't be letting myself get impatient with her. She really hadn't done anything wrong.
My unnecessary tone was her breaking point. "Don't you dare talk to me like that Edward Cullen." She snapped, "You don't know what you are talking about right now."
"Well…" I replied, softening my voice a noticeable amount and trying to resurrect the dazzling effect she had once found so irresistible, "I would if you would tell me."
She glared at me for a moment, still trying to be mad at me. Finally, her features softened and she embarked on what sounded like the beginning of a very long and revealing story.
"He saved my life, Edward."
I took a step backward, the weight of her words hitting me like a ton of bricks.
"What?"
She scowled slightly, realizing the can of worms she had just opened.
"I didn't want to tell you all of this, Edward. I know you are only going to blame yourself, and that's not what I wanted."
"Please, Bella. Just tell me what's going on." I pleaded softly.
She heaved a remorseful sigh before casting her gaze out the window and beginning.
"When you left, Edward… I was a mess. Charlie almost sent me back to Renee, in fact. I felt like I had lost all reason to live until I met Jake. He became my best friend and he made life decent again. I'm sure all of that was something you knew… or something that was at least a little predictable when you left. What I don't think you know, though, is that when you left… there was still a vampire in the area."
I inhaled a shuddering, weak breath as she continued.
"Remember James' mate, Edward?"
"Victoria.." I hissed.
"Yeah. Well… she blames you for killing her mate, so she was set on this whole eye for an eye thing. She went after me to get back at you, and when she found out you had left me… it just made her game all the more fun." She took a deep breath at this point, preparing herself for the next words she would speak. "She killed Renee and Phil first." Her voice quieted substantially in volume as she continued, "She shoved them off the side of a bridge while they were driving home from the airport. It was a two days after my high school graduation. They died on impact as soon as the car hit the water."
"Oh my God, Bella.." I started,
"No.. stop, Edward. Let me continue or else I will never be able to get this out."
I nodded, shoving my shaking hands into my pockets.
"A month later, my house caught on fire in the middle of the night. Jacob saved me, but he didn't get to Charlie in time. The neighbor that called the fire department said that she saw a red headed woman throw an object that was on fire into the house and douse the doors and windows in lighter fluid."
She stopped then, breathing deeply and trying to contain her emotions.
"I moved in with Jacob after that." She whispered, her voice ragged, her eyes bloodshot with the effort of restraining her tears, and her cheeks blotchy.
"Oh, God, Bella… I'm so sorry."
"Shut up, Edward!" She choked out. "Don't apologize. Its not your fault."
"It is my fault, Bella. I never should have left you."
"Edward, you didn't love me anymore. There is no blame in that. It would have been just stupid for you to hang around with someone you didn't love just because she was a danger magnet. I wouldn't have wanted you to waste your life like that." At this point, her sobs were becoming harder and harder for her to contain.
"No, Bella. I lied!" I choked out.
She grew silent suddenly. Her eyes traveled slowly upward to meet mine.
"What do you mean, you lied?" She sniffled.
"I love you, Bella. I have always loved you. Nothing in this world could ever make me stop loving you. I left because… Oh my God. I left to protect you! I thought you would be safer without me, Bella. I never stopped loving you! I never will. I'm so sorry, Bella!"
I was bordering derangement by the time I finally choked out my proclamation of love to her. Her face contorted to host several different emotions before she settled on a mix of anger and disbelief. She stepped toward me then, catching me completely off guard as she curled her shaking hands into fists and began pounding them against my chest. I began to become concerned that she was going to break her hands when she finally started talking.
"Why would you lie to me like that!" She demanded, the ferocity of her voice contradicted by the emission of a few sobs. "All this time I thought you didn't love me… you bastard!" She accused. "You… bastard…" Her words faltered into weak whispers as her body slackened against mine. I wrapped my arms around her and supported her weight as her body was overcome with sobs. She collapsed into my chest, mumbling something about wasting time and never knowing for sure around her sobs. My breath began to escape me in short huffs as the realization of what she had been through because of me hit me. I slowly slid down to the ground, holding her limp and grief stricken body against my own as I began to emit sobs that matched hers. A lump arose in my throat as I held her in my lap, stroking the hair away from her face and repeating "I'm sorry, Bella, I'm so sorry." like a mad-man.
I held her for hours until her tears ran dry and her emotional gasps quieted and her heart slowed to accommodate the peaceful repetition of sleep. All night long I struggled with myself. Two emotions were battling for my full attention. First, there was the magnanimous amount of love that I hosted for this fragile and broken woman asleep in my arms, and then there was the self-hatred and utter loathing I contained that accompanied the knowledge that this beautiful woman was broken because of me.
I never should have left her. I should have been there to protect her. I should have stayed by her side as she grew old, even if she didn't know I was there.
After all that she had been through on account of me, I didn't deserve to have her back. Jacob had been there for her when I hadn't, and though nothing could ever make any man worthy of Isabella's love, he was certainly more deserving of it than I was… but yet, here I was. Clutching Bella to my chest in a long absent display of affection when her husband-to-be was nowhere to be found.
After all that had happened to her, how could he possibly leave her.
How could I have possibly left her?
How could anyone ever desert someone like Bella?