Just Some Wonderful Headcanons About our Favorite People
Newsies Go To A Haunted House
Requested by Les Phansie
So as we already know from the fair, Albert needs some extra dough in his pockets
Well there weren't many opportunities to find a job
But he found one
At the haunted house
*cue spooky music*
But Albert decides to have some fun with it
He recruits Race, Elmer, and Crutchie
No one would suspect Crutchie
They had Elmer innocently leave the flier on the table at Jacobi's
Finch saw
Finch can't keep his mouth shut
Finch showed everyone
They agreed to visit it that weekend
Elmer nearly peed himself with excitement
The days leading up seemed to go slower and slower than they ever had before
But finally, the newsies piled into Davey's van
The four trouble makers make up an excuse
Jack is immediately suspicious
Crutchie should not be left alone with Race and Albert
But he agrees
Since Elmer is there
He trusts Elmer
The four of them stand outside and wave goodbye to the car
As soon as it's out of site, they sprint inside
Well, Crutchie doesn't sprint
He waits in the car
Elmer gets his stuff for him
Crutchie is going to be a zombie
The crutch will be helpful
Race gets behind the wheel
He's a good twenty miles over the speed limit
They pass Davey quickly
Davey drives like an old crying blind woman
Elmer starts yelling in Polish
"The speed limit is just a suggestion!"
Race has too much power
Albert starts praying
Crutchie's just cackling
It's just like the scene from that horror movie he saw
"Buddy, I'm going eighty in a fifty, there's no way you should be passing me right now!"
They get there early
Surprisingly
Race is known for being tardy
Their boss actually looks surprised to see them there on time
He shakes it off though
They quickly get dressed and do their makeup
Elmer is wearing an old floral dress covered in fake blood and slime and a brown wig
He has a fake pregnant belly
There's a secret button on the sleeve
When he presses it, the pregnancy belly opens up
An alien pops out
He pretends to scream in agony
It's cheesy in the light, but scary in the dark
Crutchie is a zombie
But you already knew that
He wears ratty clothes and covers his face in green colored glue
The glue starts to peel
It look like his green skin is falling off
He uses some of Elmer's fake blood for his arms
He actually looks pretty freaky
Elmer almost starts crying
He has maternal instincts for Crutchie
There's one final detail for Crutchie
He added it just for Buttons
Zombie Crutchie will hold a bar of soap in his hands
Crutchie wants to catch him in the act of saying a potty word
Albert is Bigfoot
Obviously
He doesn't really have a scare plan
He's holding a can of Natural Light beer
And he's wearing a neon yellow reflective jacket
(If you know what I'm referencing, my respect for you goes up)
Albert can make some convincing grunting
NOT LIKE THAT, YOU ABSOLUTE FILTH
But he sounds like a monkey
Race is…
Well, Race is…
Race is…
God, this is hard
Race is Darla
Darla from Finding Nemo
You know that girl with pigtails and headgear
That's him
So they get into position
Jack and the other newsies have elbowed their way to the front
Jack wanted to get it over with
He may trust Elmer, but he didn't trust Elmer that much
Jack hit a woman in the face with his arm
She started screaming profanities
Jack was about to fire back, but was stopped
Buttons pushed him out of the way and started screaming
Screaming things that would make a Scottish sailor blush profusely
This was the only time they appreciated his foul mouth
Henry and Jojo had to drag him back
The woman threatened to call the cops on him
That's when they skedaddled right into the haunted house
A Jason mask came out of nowhere and sprinted towards Finch
Finch did a motherfreakin forward roll to get out of the way
The Jason mask started laughing
The other newsies were laughing too
Not Finch
He was out of breath
That was the most exercise he'd gotten in a long time
Next, they encountered a witch
She had freakishly long acrylic nails
The witch reached out and started stroking Smalls' cheek, while cackling wildly
Smalls peed a little
He didn't mention what the dark spot on his pants was
But they figured it out
They thought the next room was empty
Until they heard noises
It wasn't the staff trying to scare them
It was a couple hiding out
Doing a little kissing
It was more than a little
Romeo cheered them on
Specs backhanded Romeo
Hard
Romeo stopped cheering them on
Jojo pushed towards the front of the group
He walked straight into a fake spider web
While trying to get out, he tangled himself in even more
Jojo could not escape the spider web
No one was helping him
Henry had to lead him around, or else he'd run into the doorway
Tommy Boy and Mush had a bet
First to scream loses
They were so busy bickering, that they didn't notice Albert creeping up behind them
They both screamed when two beer cans hit them in the back of their head
They turned around, and saw Bigfoot towering over them
Tommy Boy let out a suspicious noise
Mush plugged his nose
They both sprinted away, arguing about who screamed first
Albert had to sit down, cause he was laughing so much
He made Tommy Boy go to the bathroom in his pants
He should get a bonus from that
A little gremlin stole Specs' glasses
He was blind as a bat
It didn't help that they were already in the dark
Henry saw him stumbling
Specs face planted onto a fake Venus Fly Trap
Specs didn't know what it was though
Specs lay on the ground, screaming
Henry chased after the goblin manchild
Henry forgot about Jojo
Jojo ran into a doorway
Jojo slipped and hit his head on the doorknob
Jojo got a black eye
The spiderweb was not a cushion for his fall
Jojo turned into a mini Buttons for a second
Davey and Les aren't even in the haunted house
Les took one step in, and bolted in the other direction
Davey chased after them
They're sitting in the car
Les is on the phone with his mother
Davey is hitting his head on the steering wheel
Crutchie has a plan
He knows Jack and Buttons are together
He plans the scare the heck out of both of them
They round the corner
Crutchie makes his move
He comes out, acting like he's in pain
"Crutchie?" Jack speaks
He knew he shouldn't have left him with Race and Albert
"Are you alright?"
He was generally worried
It was dark, so he couldn't see the green
He just saw a limping Crutchie with a miserable look on his face
"Jaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack," Crutchie called. "Buttonsssssssssssss."
He stepped into the light
"What in the everloving f-!" Buttons called
Crutchie held out his bar of soap
Buttons screamed
Jack looked uneasy
Crutchie stopped limping
Buttons was ready to bolt
Crutchie took a step forward
Buttons bolted
Jack took a step back
And then another
And another
And another one
Until he was backed into a corner
Crutchie leaned in
"Boo"
Jack bolted after Buttons
But that wasn't it
Jack quickly caught up to Buttons
They turned another corner
Out popped Elmer
He was wailing
He was screaming
He was close to tears
All of a sudden, the belly opened and the alien popped out
Buttons started crying
Jack was hyperventilating
Elmer was still sounding like a patient in an insane asylum
Romeo hadn't had anything that scared him too badly
He walked into a room
The door shut behind him
The door on the other side of the room was plastic wrapped shut
Same with the windows
All of a sudden, Darla appeared
Race had a hidden microphone to broadcast his voice
Darla's head kept going from window to window
Tapping his fingers on the plastic wrap, making it shake creepily
Romeo started panting
The room got warmer
Romeo started seeing eighteen Darlas at once
Romeo fainted
Race high fived Albert, who was watching
The other newsies finished the haunted house as fast as they could
Half were crying
Half had urine soiling their pants
Tommy Boy was forced to walk home
Albert, Elmer, Race, and Crutchie made some good cash
It was worth it
yEe YeE! so because it took so long, i gave y'all an extra long one to make up for it. that was a buzzfeed unsolved reference btw, the best thing on youtube. i hope you enjoyed. please give me requests! yEe YeE!