Thanks for everyone who's reading along faithfully and reviewing :) I'm feeling pretty upbeat right now because I just wrote the chapter where Lilly and Scotty reach their limits and can't hold it in anymore...

This chapter - not much action, but Lilly does get her epiphany moment.

Disclaimer: Nothing is mine.

TEN

Brushing a tired hand across her face, Lilly resisted the urge to yawn as she strode up the walkway to Ramiro's door. After Miller and Vera had filled her in about what Tucker had said, she'd been sent to talk to Pamela to see what she had to say about the affair. Stillman had told her to take Scotty with her, but she hadn't been able to bring herself to call him. They were still on awkward terms about what had happened yesterday, and she wanted to avoid him as much as possible at the moment.

Stifling a yawn, Lilly knocked on the door, hoping most of the relatives were out. Even though she wasn't as nervous as she had been when she'd first met them, she still didn't want to deal with a horde of relatives, especially without Scotty there to intervene if something went horribly wrong.

To her surprise, though, it was Scotty who answered the door. He seemed just as surprised to see her, and for a moment, they just stared at each other.

Finally, Scotty said, his eyes on hers, "You didn't sleep well last night?"

Startled by the sudden topic, Lilly answered, "I'm fine."

Scotty snorted. "You look like hell. What are you doin' here?"

"Questions to ask Pam," she explained, holding up her notebook. "Is she here?"

Scotty nodded. "Yeah, around the back where all the kids are playin' some soccer. Come on."

Silently, she followed him into the house past the living room, where some of the adults were gathered, and out the back door to the yard. There were about a dozen kids yelling and laughing as they played soccer while a group of others sat in the shade. Lilly spotted Pam and a few other women sitting under a gazebo that had been cleared of snow.

"Big backyard," Lilly remarked, eyeing all the open space.

"Yeah, lots of space to play," Scotty replied, his eyes lighting up fondly. Just for a moment, Lilly imagined Scotty as a boy, tumbling in the grass and shrieking with laughter, and she smiled slightly.

"There's Pam," Scotty said, nodding at the gazebo.

"Let me talk to her alone."

He shot her a surprised look. "What?"

Lilly sighed, remembering how badly Scotty had reacted all the times they'd mentioned the possibility of Pam's unfaithfulness. She concluded it would probably be best if he wasn't included in the interview.

"Let me just talk to her alone first, okay?" Lilly asked. He gave her a confused look but nodded.

Lilly went up the steps of the gazebo and nodded a greeting. "Hi, Detective Lilly Rush. Can I talk to Pam alone please?"

The other women nodded and smiled, and Lilly gave them a grateful smile as they passed.

When they were alone, Pam asked wearily, "What is this about, Detective?"

Lilly took a seat on the bench that circled the gazebo. "Tucker Quincy," she said, her voice hard. "Talk to me about him."

Pam sighed, passing a hand over her eyes. "I already talked about this to those other detectives, Rizzo and White."

"Now I'm asking the questions," Lilly said, trying to muster up some sympathy but unable to. "Listen, Pam, I don't like being lied to. Why didn't you tell us about the affair?"

"Shh!" Pam hissed, sending a wary look in the direction of the other women, who were clustered just out of earshot.

Lilly raised an eyebrow. "You haven't told them?"

"I haven't told them because it isn't true!" Pam said hotly. "What—what would this do to Enrique?"

"Maybe you should have thought of that before you stepped out with Tucker," Lilly said before she could bite the words back. She winced at the callousness in her tone, but she was too tired to care much. She just wanted to get to the bottom of this, solve the case, and go home so she could maybe catch up on all the sleep she'd lost.

"I didn't!" Pam repeated. "I'm telling you the truth here, Detective! I never cheated on Enrique with Tucker. I never cheated on Enrique period! I love my husband too much for that."

Lilly eyed her skeptically. "That's not what Tucker says."

Pam sighed impatiently. "I don't know what's gotten into that man, spreading lies like that. We were never together. I'm nice to him, that's all. I invited him over for Christmas, but it wasn't because he and I are together or anything. He's just a family friend."

"Really," Lilly said unbelievingly. "And you never got any hint that he wanted something more?"

Pam shrugged uncomfortably. "Sometimes—sometimes he was a little much, but it was never more than teasing. At least, that's what I thought. I never thought he'd get attached to me and start spreading lies about some stupid affair that we never had!"

Lilly had trouble believing Enrique's wife as she sat there, looking confused and miserable. She sure put on a good act, but they had Tucker's word that he and Pam had been involved romantically. Of course, Lilly hadn't expected Pam to come right out and admit it, but since they already had proof, where was the point in denying it?

"We have Tucker's word against yours," Lilly said wearily. "Can you tell me any reason why he would lie?"

Pam shook her head slowly. "I don't know. He wants the attention?"

"Exactly," Lilly answered. "He doesn't have any reason to lie about an affair with you. In fact, it would probably be better if he'd said he wasn't involved with you. But you, on the other hand—I can think of a dozen reasons why you would want to lie. The jury's more likely to believe the man who has nothing to gain by lying than the woman who has everything to lose if her affair comes to light, if you know what I'm saying."

Pam stood and shook her head in obvious frustration. "I'm not lying!"

Lilly stood too, growing impatient. "Then tell me the truth, Pam. There isn't a reason to lie about the affair anymore, we already know about it. Just give me details."

"There are none!" Pam cried, her eyes flashing angrily. "There is no affair. I don't know what the bastard Tucker's doing, talking about us like we're involved, but we're not! How many times do I have to tell you?"

"Until I believe it," Lilly replied calmly, but as she watched Pam's eyes, she saw nothing but anger and resentment. There was none of the guilt that would have been there if Pam had been lying. But she couldn't be telling the truth, could she? She had everything to lose by Tucker's word, so of course she was lying. But Tucker had had nothing to gain in revealing the affair; in fact, he'd become one of the prime suspects in the shooting. So Pam had to be lying.

But then why did everything she said ring true?

"I don't have to stay here and listen to this," Pam snapped, her fists clenched. Shooting Lilly a final glare, she stalked off the gazebo past the group of women and disappeared into the house.

With a sigh, Lilly decided not to follow her. She'd asked the question she'd wanted to, but she hadn't quite gotten the response she'd hoped for. If only Pam admitted to having an affair, this case could be closed up quickly and efficiently. The affair would have given Tucker enough motive to shoot Enrique, probably to clear the playing field. Tucker's alibi, one girlfriend, was weak anyway, so they could probably nail him for the shooting. But Pam hadn't confessed to the affair, which made pinning the crime on Tucker a bit more difficult.

Lilly sighed, turning the facts of the case over in her head. It all seemed to fit perfectly, but a few stray thoughts nagged at her. Why would Tucker confess to the affair in the first place? He'd done so knowing that it would make him a prime suspect. True, Vera and Miller probably hadn't given him much choice in the matter, so maybe that wasn't such a mystery. The bigger mystery was why Pam seemed so…so…

Innocent. She seemed to genuinely love Enrique to the point of complete faithfulness, and whenever she'd protested the rumors of affair, she'd sounded rightfully indignant, nothing else. She hadn't acted guilty at all, and she hadn't given off any indication that she was hiding anything. Lilly had years under her belt as a detective, and she knew an innocent person when she saw one. But it didn't help the case.

With a sigh, she moved toward the steps of the gazebo, only to step back in surprise when she saw Scotty on the bottom step, coming up.

"Hey," he said.

"Hey," she replied distractedly.

He paused on the steps, leaning on the rails. "So you got what you need?"

Lilly sighed. "Kind of. It's a bit complicated right now."

"What've you got?" Scotty asked.

Lilly hesitated. She should be straight with him, she knew. But if her instincts were right and this affair thing turned up a dead end, she didn't want to get him all riled up for nothing. So she smiled and said, "It's nothing yet. I'll let you know when we have something real."

He frowned and stared at her, obviously trying to figure her out. Lilly could tell from his frustrated sigh that her expression was unreadable, and she forced a smile for his benefit.

"I think I'll head back to the station," Lilly told him, tucking away her notebook. "I'll see if Vera and Miller have got anything new. Boss is digging too."

She made to move past him, but he stopped her on the stairs. "Hang on, Lil."

She glanced at him. "What?"

Suddenly looking uncharacteristically shy, Scotty said hesitantly, "You okay?"

She wondered why he asked. He knew what she'd say anyway, didn't he? "I'm fine."

He shook his head, obviously frustrated. "Yeah, how'd you sleep?"

"Fine," she said automatically before realizing that he could obviously tell she was lying. The dark circles under her eyes she'd tried unsuccessfully to conceal and the way she kept having to stifle her yawns were testament enough to that. With a sigh, she admitted, "Not that fine. But I'm okay."

He still barred her way, and a conflict of emotions warred over his face. For a long moment, he looked like he wanted to tell her something. His eyes caught hers, and for a second, she found it difficult to breathe. God, he has beautiful eyes.

Lilly cleared her throat and looked away before her thoughts could run away with her. "I—I'm going to head off," she stammered, pushing past him. This time, he let her past, but within seconds, she could hear him following her.

When they reached her car, he grabbed her hand before she could open the driver's door. "Let me drive, Lil."

"What?"

He gave her a once-over and grinned. "It probably ain't healthy for you to be drivin' lookin' like that. You'd get pulled over."

For a moment, she wanted to protest. I don't need any protector. Especially not Scotty, who isn't looking too hot either. But by the way she was yawning and half a second from passing out, she was probably worse off than he was.

Silently, she handed over the keys and got into the passenger seat. He started up the car and pulled out of the driveway, and by the time he got onto the road, she had leaned her head on the window and dozed off.

When she opened her eyes again, she was staring at a familiar ceiling. Her ceiling. The one in her living room.

Confused, Lilly sat upright quickly, glancing around. Yep, she was definitely back at her house, but how? The last thing she remembered was dozing off as Scotty drove them back to the precinct. Had he taken her home? Why? What time was it?

"You're awake."

Lilly turned and found Scotty standing at the end of the couch, a mug of steaming coffee in his hand. He'd been sipping it, but he stopped when he saw that she'd sat up.

"Why are we here?" she asked, glancing at the windows. It looked almost dark outside…how long had she been asleep?

Scotty shrugged. "We got to the precinct and I couldn't wake you up. Boss told me to take you home."

She'd slept through the whole day? Trying to clear her mind of the last vestiges of sleep, she glanced at the door. "I locked that."

"Key was in your pocket," Scotty explained. "I put you on the couch. You've been asleep for a few hours."

"That long? What about the case?"

Scotty shrugged. "Rizzo and his moron of a partner ain't too keen on lettin' us continue our investigation. Boss's busy sortin' it out."

"Oh." Lilly sighed and rubbed her forehead tiredly, just then feeling the headache that was pounding between her eyes.

Scotty eyed her in concern. "You okay?"

She bit back the automatic 'I'm fine.' Instead, she asked quietly, "Could you get me some water?"

"Sure." He left the couch, and she heard him padding around her kitchen for a few moments before he returned with a glass. She took it gratefully and took a long swallow. It didn't help the headache.

"Maybe you should get some more rest," Scotty suggested, sipping from his coffee again. "You ain't lookin' too hot."

"You don't look so good either," Lilly returned, eyeing his rumpled suit and haggard expression. "The case…it's doing a number on you, isn't it?"

He eyed her a little strangely, and there was a look in his eyes she couldn't quite decipher. "Yeah, it's bad. But it ain't all the case. Other things on my mind too."

They sat in silence for a moment before Scotty cleared his throat. "It's gettin' late. I should be goin' soon."

Leave? Leave her to the descending darkness? Did he know that the only reason she hadn't slept with the light on the night before was because he had been in the living room and she hadn't wanted to show him just how insecure she was?

"Don't go. It's only…" Lilly searched the room and eventually found the clock sitting in front of her TV. "…eight-thirty."

Scotty shook his head. "Lil, I haven't showered or changed my clothes in almost two days."

Oh, right. Because he'd been forced to take her home the night before. Lilly shot him a guilty look and said, "Right. It's no problem. I'll lock the door behind you."

She stood up, ignoring her increasing headache, and walked him to the door, pausing as he collected his coat. She opened the door and forced a tired smile at him to show him that she was fine. Judging by the expression on his face, he obviously didn't believe her.

He turned on the threshold of her door before she could shut it completely. "Lil, you need anythin', call me, okay?"

Her smile felt a bit more genuine this time. "Yeah, I know." For a moment, she searched for the words to tell him how much she appreciated all he'd done for her the past few days. But she couldn't find any, so she settled on a quick, "Thanks." It seemed painfully inadequate.

He nodded briefly and turned off down the sidewalk. She shut the door and stumbled off to find some aspirin. By the time she'd downed the medicine, the cats were crying for food, so she fumbled with the can opener in the kitchen for a few moments, her mind fuzzy from lack of sleep. When the cats were sated, she went to the bedroom and collapsed in the bed, exhaustion weighing her down into much-needed sleep.

It wasn't even two hours later when she awoke with a gasp, her clothes damp with sweat and the blankets twisted around her legs. The darkness was stifling, and with her fingers shaking, she switched on the bedside lamp. It still wasn't enough, so she stumbled around the house, flicking on all the lights. Then she went and downed a cup of water to steady herself. The cats wound between her legs, meowing their disapproval at her odd hours.

She let out a shuddering sigh as she gripped the counter. The headache was back in full-force, and every time she shut her eyes too long, the dark street where she'd been attacked flashed in her mind's eye.

It was clear she wasn't getting anymore sleep any time soon. With a sigh, Lilly searched for her case files, which she found on the coffee tables. A little smile tugged at her lips at Scotty's thoughtfulness of bringing them in from her car. She sat heavily on the couch and tried to immerse herself into the case.

Ronald Elliot, Tucker Quincy, Pamela Valens…

The clearest suspect would be Tucker, but as of yet, they hadn't broken his alibi. The girl he'd been with—Amber Sweeting—hadn't budged on her story that they'd been together the whole night. But wait…that meant Tucker was two-timing, wasn't he? So much for having something special with Pamela Valens. Maybe this Amber had found out, gotten jealous about Pam? But then why shoot Enrique instead of Pam? And Amber had been with Tucker that night…Lilly decided to hunt down Tucker in the morning to get some answers.

They just couldn't catch a break, could they? This case seemed to go on forever, and with Christmas in a couple of days…

Christmas. Another one alone. Lilly sighed, too tired to feel depressed at the thought, and set aside the case files, rubbing her eyes. She wondered briefly where Christina was and who she was spending Christmas with. Maybe a new boyfriend? Some of her pals? Lilly decided she was probably better off not knowing.

Lilly turned one of the pages and stopped on the next one. This piece of paper was scrawled here and there with notes in Scotty's messy but still legible handwriting. He'd taken short, sometimes humorous notes. Lilly found herself smiling faintly where he'd scribbled down a complaint about Vera's handwriting, followed by what the hell is this? and an arrow pointing at a sample of the handwriting in question.

Scotty. Was it her imagination or was he being nicer to her than usual? More concerned, more considerate? He'd been looking at her strangely too, his eyes intense and somehow soft all at once. Just when she thought she could get over the thought of him, he had to go and remind her just how much of a good man he was. Probably the best man she'd ever known.

Lilly sighed and closed her eyes, wishing for just a moment that she could throw everything away—all the rules, all her fears, everything holding her back—and have Scotty hold her so she could feel safe and warm and wanted. Her attraction to him wasn't because she hadn't had any male company in a long times, she realized. It wasn't because of her hormones and it wasn't because she was just latching on to any man in sight. It was because of Scotty himself, because she couldn't get his face out of her thoughts even when she was with someone else. It was because she couldn't hold his gaze anymore without flushing. It was because she couldn't look at his lips without remembering how they'd felt.

It was because she had feelings—real feelings—for her partner.

The realization didn't scare her nearly as badly as she'd expected. Once, she might have gone into hysterics over letting herself have feelings for Scotty. But she realized that there hadn't been much she could have done; one day, he'd been her partner, and the next time she'd looked, he'd been…more. Somehow, inexplicably. Maybe she'd known it deep inside a long time ago. She just had to come to terms with it.

Her rational side was too tired at the moment to make an appearance, so she imagined what it would be like to be with him. To have him holding her after a long, hard day. To have him whispering assurances to her after a nightmare. To have him with her for Christmas so that she would finally have more than an empty home and her cats to celebrate with.

Logic intruded, and she wearily remembered why all of that was impossible. They were partners (damn it, she thought privately), and he'd slept with her sister, and she was too insecure and she'd been hurt too many times to try something serious again. Don't you remember? her mind sneered. Don't you remember Patrick and Ray and Kite and Joseph? Don't you remember how it hurt?

She didn't need a reminder of how it had hurt. She'd built her walls high so she wouldn't have to remember. Besides, Stillman would throw a fit, and Vera would have a field day, and the headache wasn't worth it.

With a sigh, Lilly reached for the TV remote. The house was too quiet, and she found it unnerving. Aimlessly, she flipped through a few channels before settling on a random channel. Closing her eyes, she let the words wash over her.

The phone rang. Sluggishly, Lilly reached for it and said, "Hello?"

"Hey, Lilly!"

Lilly sat up in surprise. "Christina?"

"What, it's been so long that you don't recognize my voice?"

"No. But it is kind of late."

"Come on, Lil, it's only eleven thirty."

Lilly sighed. "What do you want?"

"Is that really how you'd greet your sister?"

She sounded almost hurt, but Lilly had know her too long to fall for that trick. "Yeah, that's basically how I treat my sister who did a number on my partner and ran off. It's late," she said harshly, "and I'm tired. What do you want?"

"It's almost Christmas. I was just wondering what you were doing."

Funny, Lilly thought. I was just wondering the same thing. Aloud, she said, "Nothing. As usual."

"That's too bad. You should join me. I'm in Philly."

"That's news," Lilly said, sitting up straighter. "What are you doing here?"

"Having some fun," Christina said enigmatically.

"It'd better not be something illegal," Lilly warned. She thought of having to bail her sister out of jail on Christmas and felt her headache increase.

"Oh, come on, Lil, lighten up! Want to come down for some fun?"

"No," she said automatically. Whatever fun Chris was wrapped up in, Lilly knew she didn't want any part of it. "I have a case to finish up. My boss wants be to finish it up soon, and Scotty wants it done with too."

She heard Chris sigh heavily. "Everyone wants you to do something. Your boss wants this, your partner wants that…when was the last time you did something you wanted?"

Lilly opened her mouth irritably to reply and found that she had no answer. When was the last time she'd done something because she'd wanted to? It had always been the job, the job, the job, and what everyone else wanted from her. She couldn't remember the last time she'd just let go and had fun. The thought startled her.

"I'm tired," she said eventually. "Let's talk later, okay?"

"Okay." Chris didn't sound very reluctant to hang up, and Lilly set the phone down when she heard the hum of the dial tone. Closing her eyes, she leaned back into the couch, reaching out blindly to pet one of the cats as she brushed up against her.

When was the last time she'd done something she'd wanted to do? She remembered vaguely as a child, making up impossible lists of things she'd do when she was all grown up. How many of those things had she accomplished in the end? Probably next to none. It had been a long, long time since she'd thought of life beyond the job and the squad.

She tried to think back. What was the last thing she'd wanted?

Scotty. The name popped into her head, unbidden and unwanted. But instead of pushing it away, she held the name in her head for a moment, considering. Would it really hurt to throw caution to the wind and for once do something she wanted? Sure, she could be stung in the end, and maybe it would all end in heartbreak, but she already knew Scotty was a good man. She already knew that whatever happened, the last thing he would do would be to hurt her. So maybe her fears were unwarranted in this case. And the grief from Boss and the job…one of them could always transfer, right? Maybe out of Homicide even, but it wouldn't be too bad. It was just a job.

Lilly winced. The job was all she'd known for years, her life. It would hurt to give it up, even for Scotty. Was he worth it? She didn't know. Was she willing to do it? Again, she didn't know. But she did know that it had been a long, long time since she'd done something that made her happy. And it was time to change that.

So maybe—just maybe—the next time Scotty gave her one of those looks, she'd send one back. Maybe if he asked her if she was okay, she would for once tell him the truth. And just maybe, the next time they ended up under a bunch of mistletoe and he kissed her, she'd have the courage kiss him back.