"Lily, you are a bloody idiot."
She heard him so clearly. She smiled because it was something James would say. It was what he should have said when she started to refuse him.
She was cold. Very cold.
She touched his cheek with icy fingers, wondering how foolish she would look to someone on the outside. Physically reacting to a manifestation of her subconscious. He bent over her, cradling her. She wanted to cry, but she was too cold to produce the tears.
"You're dad's the idiot." She mumbled, tripping over her tongue. She lost track of the hallucination, wishing she could erase the hurt she'd seen on his face when Howard was shouting. But it wasn't hers to change, and it wasn't any different than the hurt she'd caused when she'd refused his proposal.
Lily woke abruptly, cocooned in warm blankets. She sat up quickly, making her head throb. She groaned under her breath, taking in Remus' little shack. She was on his couch. Remus watched her from the kitchenette, stirring something around in a little cauldron.
"Ow." She groaned, easing herself back onto the pillows. How had she gotten here?
"You look pretty beat up." Remus murmured, voice very soft. "I'm no great potions master, but Grace gave me this recipe for my headaches. Works pretty well."
"Thanks." Her voice was little more than a croak. He handed her a cup of it, and the warm liquid was soothing to her sore throat. "How did I get here?"
"Beats me." He shrugged. "I was out with Sirius looking for you. Came back and you were here looking like death itself."
"You didn't bring me?" Lily frowned.
"No, and Peter was out looking with James. Said that they didn't find you either."
"Who else can get through your wards?" She asked uncertainly. Warmth began to trickle through her limbs and the throbbing in her temples eased.
"Anyone in the Order." Remus shrugged. "They have this place set up as a safe house. Dunno why all things considered."
"What things considered?" She dared him to mention his lycanthropy. His eyes narrowed. "Remus Lupin, you are a wonderful man, and your house is perfectly safe with the exception of one night a month. Don't go—"
"Are you always preachy after spending a night freezing to death?" Remus plucked the empty cup from her hand, returning it to the kitchen. His eyes were shining like he was tearing up. Lily let it go with a small sigh. He wouldn't believe her no matter how many times she tried to bang his head against the wall.
"I've never tried freezing to death before, so I wouldn't really know."
"You gave it your best shot." He turned back, mustering up a proper glare. "I'll leave the lecture to Sirius. He was beside himself when you went storming off like that."
"I didn't go storming anywhere." Lily argued, pointedly ignoring his disbelieving snort. "But I really shouldn't be here."
"Why?"
"I'm not trying to come between you guys and James. You're his friend first, and—"
"And we don't have room for both of you?" Remus shook his head. "For someone so bright, you can be really stupid sometimes."
"Remus, you saw him yesterday—"
"And spoke to him after he worked out some of his anger. Lils, you can't blame him for being upset after that. I can't imagine you let Howard off easily, but embarrassment on top of the shame of his father not thinking he's worth much? James is a great guy and all, but even a saint would lose his temper over that!" It made sense. She bit the inside of her cheek, considering his point from all angles. Valid or not, it didn't erase the hatred shining in James' eyes when he looked at her.
As much as she wanted to curl up on the couch and pity herself, Lily had a job to do. A very important job, as Sirius had pointed out before. She thanked Remus for the potion, excusing herself despite his blatant disapproval. It was impossible to win a war whilst pining on a couch. She wouldn't get back into it until she faced Howard.
He was sitting outside the mansion, staring absently at the bed of flowers nestled beneath the kitchen window when she arrived. Lily tried to brace herself. Either they'd shout some more, or he'd try to apologize. There were no happy mediums with this family. She stopped beside his chair, hooking her thumbs in her pockets.
"Hey." For a long minute, Howard didn't respond to her. He didn't move a muscle. Lily glanced down, finding a thick book resting in the grass by his feet. The book looked very old.
"I'm surprised to see you." He said eventually. Lily clenched her jaw, unsure of what to make of that statement. Movement in the corner of her eye made her glance towards the house. She met James' gaze. He mouthed something at her, and she could have fooled herself into thinking he was saying 'sorry'. He didn't approach them, and Lily watched his path from the house towards the apparation point.
"Did you speak with him?" She asked.
"I will." Howard levered himself to his feet.
"Soon?" Lily prompted.
"You made your point clear enough yesterday." He ducked to grab the book, tucking it under his arm. She felt herself blush, but she still leveled a scowl at him. "Though why you felt it necessary to go back to that forest is beyond me."
"You found me?"
"I'm not surprised you don't remember."
"You took me to Remus'?" Lily frowned, following him into the mansion.
"He said you'd been staying there." He said over his shoulder. "You have unparalleled stubbornness, Evans."
"Because I'd rather not stay here?" She asked sardonically. Howard stopped abruptly, and she tripped over herself to keep from running into him.
"You're infuriating."
"Excuse me?"
"Evans, you are my partner. The Order has enough trouble staying afloat as it is without paying salaries. I assumed that you'd taken care of the situation because you never said anything. Why is it that I have to find out through a well-meaning friend that you lost your flat because you couldn't afford rent?" He glowered at her, looking so much like James that it was unbelievable. She looked away. "I have money."
"I don't want your money!" Lily cried.
"Because of James?"
"Am I not allowed to have a speck of pride, Potter?" She glared at him, face hot with embarrassment. "I don't want charity."
"It's not charity!" He shouted. She jerked back at the force of his anger. "Merlin, you are my partner. It's not just about going out on missions, Evans." She felt about an inch tall. She understood what he meant. "Forgive me for being born into old money, but I have several hundred galleons I can afford to lose and still have enough that if he chose, James and his future children would never have to work a day in their lives."
"Forgive me for not accepting handouts from my ex's father." Lily stepped around him, reeling. She wasn't sure what to think.
"So it is about James."
"It's a lot of things, Potter." She flung herself on the chair in his office. "Besides, Sirius basically took care of it."
"I would have—"
"I know." Lily interrupted. "That's why I didn't ask." Howard rolled his eyes and spent a few seconds staring at the ceiling, mouthing words she didn't bother to read.
"I owe you an apology, Lily." Howard said eventually. She bit her lip to keep from making a smart retort. "I was out of line, yesterday."
"You should apologize to James."
"I will."
"You should have done that first."
"Maybe." He shrugged. "And I did a lot of thinking after you left, and you were right. I'm not ready for him to be involved in any of this. Lily, I've seen the kinds of scars these fights leave behind. I'm laced with them—the ones you can't see. I don't want that for him."
"You can't protect him forever." Lily said with forced patience. "James will get involved one way or another. Keeping him…under control within the Order is safer than letting him make rash mistakes on his own. At least the Order will give him defined missions."
"And when he deviates?" Howard pressed. "You know he will…"
"What, like you?" She snorted. "I'm pretty sure I faced Voldemort thanks to your rash action. And I'll tell you what, Potter; I was really glad to have James with me then." Howard had the decency to flush.
"But…"
"He deserves the chance to fight in this war." The fight had not gone out of Howard. Mutiny lingered in his expression, though he seemed to be out of reasons. Lily blew out a breath. It was like talking to a brick wall. "What's next for us?" She asked instead.
"So eager, are you?" Howard shook his head slightly. "I met with Dumbledore earlier." He offered her the book. "Have you heard of the Fidelius Charm?"
"No."
"I hadn't either. Dumbledore says it's a way for us to protect certain places—ourselves really—but it entrusts the location to one person. He called it the Secret Keeper."
"Oh?" Lily frowned. "Is he thinking this is something Voldemort is doing?"
"Merlin, no!" Howard laughed slightly. "It's very old magic, Lily, and not really his sort of deal. We're trying to add a level of protection to our doings. It's only a matter of time before they find out where we're meeting. We know they know who we are."
"And the book?"
"Lots of confusing and complicated protective charms." He gestured loosely. "Not really my cup of tea, but I've been told you're wonderful at charm work."
"You want me to read this?" She deadpanned. The book was hefty, and a quick peek inside revealed small, cramped writing.
"Consider it punishment for contracting hypothermia last night."
"I didn't—"
"Lily, you were delirious and blue." He scowled. "Brush it off all you want, but you're lucky I went looking for you." She said nothing, fingering the ornate cover of the book. She'd been so absolutely certain that she had no one last night. It had consumed her. They all came looking. Even James.
"Thank you." She whispered.
"Don't do it again."
"I won't. Apologize to your son."
"I will."
"Today." Howard said nothing in response, though Lily didn't expect him to.
She left him alone in the study, retreating to her favorite nook in the house. There, she opened the ancient book, narrowing her eyes at the small font. She lost track of time, reading until it was almost impossible to get her eyes to focus. Many of the charms were entirely impractical for the sort of operation the Order was running. She hadn't yet found anything on the Fidelius Charm.
"You are rather inconvenient."
"James!" Lily started, banging her head against the low ceiling. He grinned, easing his way down the opposite wall.
"This is my favorite place in the house." James told her as she gaped at him. "Problems, Evans?"
"Oh, you know." She shrugged, regaining her composure. "Having fights with the world and reading impossibly small text." It was agonizing to have him so close, to see him smiling at her like that, without being able to touch him.
"At least you're doing something." James looked out the window, eyes narrowed.
"Your father will come around."
"You heard him yesterday." She winced at the reminder.
"I'm sorry, James. I—"
"No." He interrupted, leg just barely brushing against hers. "I am sorry. You were right. It wasn't your fault or doing. I just… Bloody hell, I can't remember ever being that mad before."
"You had every right to be furious."
"But then you…"
"Me?" Lily frowned, feeling like she'd been plunged in ice all the sudden.
"We'd assumed you'd come back here, but then I got a patronus from dad asking if we knew where you were." James blew out a heavy breath. "Sirius was gone before the patronus even stopped talking. He won't tell me what happened between the pair of you, but I swear…" He cut himself off, scowling out the window.
"We had a moment at my parents' funeral." Lily shrugged jerkily. It hadn't felt like too much in the moment, but in hindsight maybe it had been a little too intimate. She'd needed it in that moment. "He's been a little overbearing since."
"Funeral?" His head whipped around. "You're parents?" He looked horrified. "I had no idea…"
"Neither did I until Remus told me." Lily smiled shakily. "Some daughter I am, right?" She looked away from him, squeezing her eyes shut against the desire to cry. James didn't help her in the least, scooting around to be beside her. As much as she knew it was a terrible idea, Lily let him wrap her in a tight hug.
"I'm so sorry."
"'S not your fault." She mumbled, battling the urge to melt into his light embrace.
"Was it an attack?" He asked softly.
"Car crash."
"I'm not sure if that makes it better or worse." He didn't release her. Lily had no answer for the manner of their death. She thought maybe it was better, because it kept her from thinking that if she'd just been there, then maybe it wouldn't have happened. But she wanted desperately to talk to her mother about James and the confusing mess of emotions she felt towards him.
The silence stretched too long. Now Lily wasn't sure what to say or do, because it was comfortable and peaceful. She was wrapped up in him, breath synchronized to his. It lulled her into a peace she hadn't felt since Hogwarts. She feared breaking this stillness, because she didn't know which way they'd fall. Harsh words or soft? She thought of the fundraiser; remembered his kiss. She thought of the fighting and bickering that had happened since. And now this.
She wanted to never leave his arms. She wanted to apologize. She wanted to kiss him. She wanted—
"Prongs!" Sirius' shout broke through the tranquility. Both of them jumped, and James released her like he'd been stung. "I'd better not find you moping!" He scrambled and was gone. He yelled something back to Sirius, and Lily caught the faint sound of Grace shouting at them both to stop shouting through the house. Lily smiled to herself, touching the pendant hidden beneath her shirt. It was cool to the touch—she was in no danger here.
Lily fished it from beneath her shirt, fingers ghosting over the smooth emerald of the stone. She remembered sitting in her rented room at the Leaky Cauldron, shaken from the attack and her first encounter with Alastor Moody. She'd opened James' Christmas gift, desperate for a distraction; forgetting the possibility of a prank. There was no prank, only a simple, teardrop necklace on a long, golden chain. The very same enchanted necklace she'd admired during one of their dates in Hogsmeade. She'd worn it every day since, even after their break-up.
The necklace was deceptively simple; the gift was as extravagant as anything he'd gotten for her in the past. She knew it was outrageously expensive—not for the stone, but for the protective charms within it. Since graduating, she'd discovered many of its secrets. The most useful being that the stone would heat if the wearer was in imminent danger. It also seemed to have some minor healing charms embedded in it, though Lily hadn't figured out the extent of those. She hoped to never be in a situation to find out.
"Am I the only one that has a bad feeling about this?" Howard whispered, breath stirring the hair by her ear.
"It's…eerie." She agreed. And cold. She could see her breath and her fingers were numb. The only bit of warmth was the pendant against her throat.
The air had a bad taste to it. Trepidation rose and refused to leave. This was supposed to be a simple assignment. They were watching over a rather nondescript house for reasons Dumbledore hadn't fully explained. Lily was secretly irritated with this assignment—or at least the manner in which it had been explained. She hoped Howard wasn't holding something back. She'd be less irritated if this assignment had an explanation.
She sat up quickly at the flicker of a shadow. She whacked Howard, pointing. She strained to see what it might be, eyes narrowed against the darkness. I could be safe and warm on Remus' couch, but noooo. I have to be a busy body and take all the stupid assignments no one wants. Merlin.
"Come on." She breathed, darting from one shadow to another. The thing continued to move, though she couldn't figure out if it was even human. Howard skirted wide, expanding their perimeter. She nodded to herself, thinking they had good coverage of the place.
Without warning, a dozen cracks of apparation sounded around them. Lily froze, sucking in her breath. More apparation followed, and her heart plummeted as hooded and cloaked figures congregated in the wide lawn in front of the house. This was more, much more, than anything Dumbledore told them to expect. Her muscles started to tremble with the effort it took to stay in the middle of a rather precarious lunge. Inch by fearful inch, Lily eased her way behind a sturdy tree. The tree would obscure her from view…hopefully.
She sat behind it, hiding her breath in her knees and generally trying to be as small as possible. Where was Howard? Had he reacted quickly enough to apparate away in the midst of their arrival? Had he been able to send a patronus? He was farther away, but it would be very noticeable now. Lily couldn't see him. The pendant was fire against her skin. This was mortal peril.
Stop panicking. The voice that sounded like James snapped at her. Lily exhaled heavily, forcing herself to calm down. Howard was an experienced auror. He wouldn't do anything rash, and there were more ways than patronuses to send a message. He would get word to Dumbledore.
"Master!" The group behind her chorused. Lily shuddered. His voice was silken and sweet addressing those who adored him. Was Severus in that crowd? She wondered. For the first time, Lily considered Bellatrix's message. He won't protect you forever. How exactly was he protecting her when he was allied with a man who wanted her dead?
"You who are new to us today—be welcome." Part of the crowd leered and snickered. "Welcome if you can truly walk among us. Those unmarked, step forward!" Feeling greatly daring, Lily craned around the tree, low enough that the end of her braid touched the ground. Seven figures stood in a line. Seven kneeled opposite…cowering?
"We cast death upon those unworthy. To be chosen, you must be strong enough to get rid of those unsuited to walk this earth." Bile rose in her throat. Lily gasped back tears, squeezing her eyes shut.
"Avada Kedavra!" She saw the flash of green light through her eye lids. She wanted to scream. Lily bit down on her knuckles, rocking in place and fighting to not make a sound. Who were the victims? People the Order should have been protecting. Were they muggles? Muggle born witches and wizards? Lily was sick wondering if maybe they were people the Order had actively been guarding. Would she return from this Death Eater induction ceremony to learn that more of her bothers in arms had fallen? Would she even get out of this alive?
It went on. Each of the seven uttered piercing screams. Summoning bravery she didn't know she possessed, Lily leaned around the tree again. Voldemort touched the tip of his wand to the left forearm, drawing a painstaking shriek from the new Death Eater. She pulled back, shuddering.
It's good to know. Her James-ish inner voice whispered. Death Eaters are marked on their left arm. You know who they are. Lily nodded her agreement, grasping onto that thought. This was good solid information. The relative reassurance did nothing to ease her trembling. She gripped the pendant tightly, almost burning her hand but wishing that James was with her.
Why did I run from you?
The sharp crack of apparation filled the air. Her eyes flew open, staring into the dark. There was no one on this side of her tree. Lily held her breath again, straining her ears. The night was quiet. Eerie again. She exhaled slowly, mentally counting through twenty before she dared to move. She got to sixteen.
"What the fuck?" Howard's voice seemed to echo in the dark. Lily jumped a foot, whirling.
"Now, Howard—"
"Don't you 'now, Howard' me you son of a bitch!" And he calls you impulsive, she thought at James like he could really hear her. The crowd of Death Eaters was very much thinned out, but Lily counted ten remaining.
Those are only the ones you see. Her mental James had a very good point. Lily scanned the road, frowning. Where could they run? A jolt ran through her limbs, and she jumped. A bright red curse struck the tree in front of her. Lily scrambled. There were plenty more. They knew we were here. She shot a stunner over her shoulder, hearing a satisfying thud.
Howard was dueling—dueling to retreat. She helped him with a few handy spells, following as he started to run for the trees on the other side of the long driveway. The air was thick with magic. Several skimmed her—one struck her solidly in the back. Lily's vision wavered, but there were so many dark-clad bodies around that aiming was hardly necessary.
They had a moment's reprieve after pitching headfirst into a ditch. Lily was decently sure she'd just sprained her left wrist. She gasped for breath as Howard grabbed her. She felt him strain, but it was no good. They couldn't apparate to safety.
"If we die, I'm going to kill you." She hissed, dragging him forward again. They ran through the patch of trees, into a wide-open field.
"I told him about the Order!" Howard shouted, dodging beneath a distinctly green curse. "He was my friend!"
"Great friend." Lily snorted. Then there wasn't time for words. They ran, trying to keep as straight a line as they could. Eventually, eventually they must reach the edge of the apparation barrier. It couldn't be infinite.
"Why you running, Potter?" A sneering voice called from behind them. Howard abruptly stopped running. "Isn't Dumbledore strong enough?"
"Howard!" He was deaf to her shout.
"You think Dumbledore is weak?" He roared. "I'll tell you Blakely—" In the moment he took to face his once-friend, they'd been surrounded. Lily wanted to scream, but there wasn't time. They all seemed to fire at once. She was flung off her feet, wand snapping in her hand. Another landed a foot in front of her. Howard's. She was closer to him than she thought she'd be—closer than she wanted to be. He was covered in blood. Savaged. Death Eaters bore down around them.
There's more than one way to travel! She grabbed Howard's wand, shouting the spell that would turn the broken halves of her wand into a portkey. A hand closed around her throat. Lily flung her wand as hard as she could, praying.
"Crucio!" Her scream echoed through the dark night, as the body of Howard Potter vanished from beneath the reaching hand of a Death Eater.
"Crucio!" How many shouted it? It felt like her body was being ripped apart. Lily screamed and kept screaming. They tore the clothes from her body; tore skin from her bones. She could not escape it; not even to the safety of oblivion.
Death.