Authors Note: Hi everyone! Technically didn't make it on Friday night (12:19am is still pretty close though, gotta give me props for that, haha), so I am sorry for that, blame my biology test that I may have waited until the last minute to do... *cough*... anyhow, I've decided to change it up from now on and place the chapter song up here! Cause. I dunno. I remember reading a fanfiction once a long time ago that did this and I always liked listening to the song as I read the chapter. I'm pretty sure they actually wrote the chapters for the song though, rather than write the chapter then figure out during the editing process which song goes well with the mood of that chapter, like I do. But, anyhow, up here from now on! (Also means I'm less likely to forget about doing it. Which almost happened the last two chapters. Maybe less likely... hahaha).

Chapter Title Song: Where do I even start by Morgan Taylor Reid. (Really good video from Liviett, with Stiles and Derek, you guys should watch it!)

ALERT: So. New season airing. I just want to say that this is completely post season 5, with season 6 not happening at all, I don't really have any plans to interpret anything seen in the new season into my fanfiction, I've actually already have written about double what I have posted (writing chapter 23 right now), so nothing from it is even influencing what you're reading (My edits change a LOT, but not that much, haha).

Also, yes, I have 22 chapters written, but no, my updates probably won't change. I get into writing moods, so sometimes I barely get 1000 words out of me in a week or two, while other times I get 20x more. Then the editing process, and my school/work schedules, yeah... I'm trying to have a good little bumper so when I hit my little non-writing moods I can still get an update to you guys. I don't want to ever have to either put out terrible content because I'm rushing to meet a self-inflicted deadline, or, even worse, not feel motivated anymore to get to writing and ... well, yeah, you guys get the point! I like my safety bumper, hahaha :P

Thanks everyone for the reviews, favorites and follows! I love so much hearing what you all have to say, it just makes my day! :)

Enjoy!

Previously:

Feeling lightheaded from the force of his breathing, Stiles managed to raise his hand up and close it around a couple of Derek's fingers, hoping the small comfort would help stray away the pounding that seemed to resonate from his head straight into his soul.

He's never left.

Chapter Ten – Where do I even start?

It was about five minutes later when there was the sound of someone wiggling the handle to the bathroom, shortly followed by a couple of knocks.

"Everything alright in there?" Stiles heard the hesitant voice of their waiter and he gave a soft sigh, pushing himself away from the wall.

"Give us a minute!" Derek barked, voice not hiding his annoyance at the man.

Stiles straightened further and let his hand fall away from Derek's, "I'm alright," He said hoarsely, swallowing to help ease his scratchy throat, "S'not your fault."

The hand on his shoulder fell, and he looked back to see Derek stand from his crouch. A hand then moved to hover just above his head and Stiles reached his hand back up and grasped it.

"Thanks," Stiles said softly. He ended up on his feet mostly due to Derek's strength and he had to close his eyes to try and get rid of his lightheadedness the movement caused. At least his pounding headache wasn't as terrible anymore. He heard Derek stand behind him, and suddenly a hand was hovering just above his head.

Derek let go of his hand once he opened his eyes again and moved away from the doorway of the stall, Stiles following him out. He went straight to the sink, turning the handle for the cold water and leaned down to splash it on his face, rinsing out his mouth several times until the bitter taste at the back of his throat faded.

"Be nice to the waiter, please." Stiles said as he dried himself off, looking at Derek in the mirror.

Derek gave a barely-audible sigh but thankfully relented and gave a nod, flicking the lock of the door before opening and holding it open for Stiles once he was ready.

He walked out, taking a slow, deep breath and letting it out, refusing to let himself cringe when he sat back down. He pushed the remaining echo of the waiters voice out of his head at the pain the motion caused and instead moved to grip his glass of water. He saw Derek, who took the seat across from him again, give him a worried glance. To further distract himself he took a small sip of his water, the cool liquid soothing his throat.

"Sorry about that," The waiter said a few paces away from the table, walking over with a plate in either hand, "My manager forced me to, I didn't want to interrupt." Stiles saw Derek tense again, but Stiles just looked down at the table, feigning embarrassment.

"No, I'm sorry. After what you said," He was grateful his voice was light, not as heavy as he felt inside, he continued the act by lifting his eyes and looking at Derek, "I just couldn't help myself." He then forced all his wit and strength into giving the waiter a smile – he knew he succeeded when the waiter gave him a wink in return with a sly smile of his own.

"I don't blame you there, not one bit." He placed the food down on the table, "You two just holler for me if you need anything." And, after setting a few paper napkins between their plates, he walked back over to another table across the diner.

"What did he say?" Derek asked immediately.

Stiles sighed, looking down at his plate of curly fries, he was sad to find he held no interest in them at all, the smell actually making him feel nauseous. "Just let it go, Derek. He'll forget about us as soon as we leave here anyway, so you'll only have to pretend to be fucking me for a little while longer."

He saw Derek tense once again and he inwardly groaned, frustrated with himself and his mouth that didn't know how to stay closed. Then Derek looked away, picking up his fork and beginning to eat.

Stiles leaned back in his seat and looked around the diner, feeling sicker with himself as the minutes past.

He heard a sigh and a clatter of glass, glancing over to see Derek setting his fork down and staring at him, "You should try and eat," Derek said near the end of his own meal.

He wondered how Derek was dealing so well with how his mood kept shifting, he crossed his arms loosely over his chest and gave a shrug, "I'll just be sick again," He scrunched up his nose at the thought.

Derek's lips thinned, but Stiles knew it wasn't out of anger, the small quirk of an eyebrow was showing nothing but confusion, "You were hungry earlier."

Stiles sighed softly, "I'll try later... I just can't stomach it right now."

Derek didn't reply, he just looked to the side and signaled for the waiter to bring the check.

It wasn't much longer before they were walking out, and the waiter gave Stiles a wink and said, "No interruptions now!" Before walking over to another table. Stiles just ignored him. Derek, however, stopped and turned towards him with loathing written all over his face.

"Derek," Stiles hissed, annoyed, "What're you going to do? Tear out his throat with your teeth?" Stiles grabbed his arm, pulling the tense man out of the door, the waiter too busy cleaning a table to notice the exchange. "He's just making jokes; you don't need to get so worked up."

"Why aren't you?" Derek asked as soon as the door shut behind them and they were outside. "He's done nothing but bring up what happened. When I do, you get upset, but when he does it you get angry with me for being annoyed. Want to explain that to me?" He asked, crossing his arms and not budging from his spot in front of the door.

Stiles felt his annoyance towards Derek draining, "I'll probably never see him again." Stiles said softly, before quickly continuing, voice on edge, "Besides, he thinks we're a couple and it's a normal thing. With you… you know what happened… and," Stiles hesitated, "And you've changed… you treat me differently because you know. The waiter doesn't give a damn about what's really going on, so yeah, letting him believe some little fairy tale is easier to deal with than you. You talking about it." He forced his arms to fold across his chest when he'd begun flailing them wildly in his tirade, continuing, "If I talk about it, you'll change more, and I'll change, and I just want to forget about it completely. I can't let it just take over me, not when every fucking other thing about me is changed as well. I'm no longer human, Derek." Stiles swallowed and turned away from him, not liking the pity that entered the others eyes at his words, even as Derek was still tense from anger. Stiles began walking towards the rental car, speaking hurriedly, "Every time it's mentioned, it makes me think about it. And I don't want to think about it. Just understand that, at least." He then swung open the passenger door and got inside, Derek still standing by the entrance to the diner.

While Stiles sat in the silent car by himself, he could focus enough, past his own breathing, to hear Derek's heart beating fast. It took about five minutes before it slowed to a normal pace. Oddly, once he stopped focusing, it seemed his hearing returned to normal, the sounds outside of the car muffled and too vague to name. The thought made him frown. From what he was aware of, Scott and everyone had that super-hearing all the time. He put it in the back of his mind, deciding to ask Derek, or even Scott, later today when things had settled between them.

Stiles looked up when Derek opened the drivers door and got into his seat, starting the car. His face was much less tense, almost completely blank. He reached for the gear, resting his hand on it, but before doing anything looked up at Stiles.

"Look, I'm not going to promise not to talk about it with you. I don't like seeing anyone in the pack hurt." Derek began, taking a deep breath before he continued, "I was never a good leader, I know that, but I didn't lose the protectiveness I had as an alpha. Yes, I've changed, but not really. I just stopped looking at you, Scott, everyone else as kids, children who shouldn't be involved in all this shit, and started looking at you guys as equals. Because we are. You are. I would be dead countless times over if it weren't for all of you. So, trust me. All that I want to do is help, Stiles."

Stiles once again had to look away from Derek. He knew the other was telling the truth, but Stiles couldn't face that. Not now. Now when the waiters voice was still echoing through his head, not when he easily remembered how quickly he could push Derek back into his old self. He didn't want to think about how talking about it might help. He couldn't imagine that happening, and Derek's insistence on it was hard for him to handle.

Derek seemed to notice his mood and put the car in reverse but when they didn't move Stiles looked back up, Derek speaking right away, "I may be an ass sometimes, me getting irritated easily probably won't ever change, but don't think me being here for you will. You're pack. I won't stop worrying about you."

Stiles didn't reply, didn't know how to. His heart beat rose and his throat was closing up and he knew he was dangerously close to crying again. He hated it, he wished he could just forget everything, that he could trust what Derek was saying. But even the accepting feeling he got from Scott's words earlier were fading.

How could he be a member of that pack when, at any moment, he could turn on his fellow members and eat them?

"Take a deep breath," Derek said softly, apparently noticing his panic, and putting the car back into park, "Tell me what you're thinking, I can't help otherwise."

"I- " Stiles did what Derek said and took a deep breath, "I could attack you, or Scott, or anyone at any time. It could happen so easily. You shouldn't want to help me, you should be running away from me!" Stiles cried, looking up at Derek just as his tears began to fall. Pathetic, Stiles couldn't help but think of himself.

"Control takes time." Derek said evenly, "Scott couldn't control himself at first, you said so earlier. It takes time for every one of us. Scott uses his friends, his pack. Liam has been a werewolf for quite a while now and he still loses control. I'm still using anger as an anchor. I'm sure we can find you something, too. Something that'll keep you human."

"I'm not the same as you guys though," Stiles whispered, "It might not be the same. What if I'll never find control? Maybe that's why that vampire kept going after that pack ages ago, maybe it couldn't stop."

"The one who attacked you did." Derek said, and Stiles couldn't help but wince at the mention of him. "He did, Stiles. He told you he left town, now of course we don't know if he told the truth, but if so that meant he had control. He didn't have to hunt the entire pack."

Stiles nodded, "I… I know what you're saying, but how am I supposed to even get that control?" He asked helplessly.

"With help." Derek answered, "I actually thought of something earlier, while we were driving. It might help."

"What is it?" Stiles asked hesitantly, wiping away the tears on his face with the sleeve of his hoodie.

"Every now and then I'll make myself bleed. When we're alone," Derek added quickly, seeing Stiles freeze after the first sentence, "Just a small cut, see how you do. Eventually, you'll probably get used to it, once it's not so foreign."

"Last time I attacked you!" Stiles argued, picking up on Derek's use of probably, "I just saw red and I couldn't stop myself! How could I get use to something like that?"

"It was your first time," Derek said, "And you did stop yourself, as soon as I told you to stop, you did."

Stiles clenched his fists, "It's too big of a risk."

"I'll decide that," Derek said.

Stiles glared, "Don't you even realize how scared I am of it? Of myself?!" He asked, "I don't know my full strength yet. What if I know what you'll do next? What if you can't surprise me and push me away? What if you can't say something to make me stop?" He couldn't help himself and continued, "You tasted so damn good, I didn't want to stop, even just thinking about it makes my throat dry and makes me physically ache! I don't want to test it, I don't want to hurt you or anyone else! I can't do that, I fucking won't!"

Derek didn't interrupt his rant, and took a couple moments when Stiles finished before he replied, "You said last night that you felt safe with me. Is it so wrong that I feel safe with you, too?" He asked softly, arching an eyebrow at Stiles.

"Yes," Stiles said without hesitation. "Didn't you hear what I just said? Who wouldn't be scared of me?"

"Your pack." Derek said, "Did Scott seem afraid of you earlier when you told him what you'd be drinking from now on?" Stiles reluctantly shook his head, about to open his mouth to argue but Derek continued, "I can heal from pretty much anything you do to me. Let me help you find your control."

"Not death," Stiles said and swallowed, "You can't heal from that. I don't want anymore blood on my hands, Derek."

"I'm offering this so it won't have to come to that."

"But it could!" Stiles said, "I know you were afraid of me when I first turned! You can't feel safe with me but still be afraid, Derek. That's not how it works."

"I only felt that way because it shocked me." He said, and Stiles knew he wasn't lying, "After the warnings my mother told me, I couldn't help but feel that way. Doing this will make it so I won't feel that way around you again."

"Don't turn this around, you're not offering this for you."

"Exactly," Derek said, catching Stiles' eyes, "I'm offering it for you. And, be honest, would you rather it be me, or Scott? You know he'll offer as well."

Stiles swallowed, looking away and imagining pushing Scott against the wall and draining him; he could already smell his best friends blood. He felt a shiver of disgust run through him because he actually wanted to do it. The image seemed burned into the forefront of his mind and he had to shake it his to get rid of it. He knew Derek was right, that Scott would offer, would want to do anything to make sure Stiles found his control. But, as much as he didn't want to hurt Scott, he also didn't want to hurt Derek.

However… if it was Derek, in order to save himself, Stiles thought the other would fight him. Scott, meanwhile, wouldn't lift a hand to really hurt him, he knew that without a doubt, even after Stiles made him promise to.

"Stiles," Derek said when he'd been silent a while, "This can only help you."

"And this can only hurt you." Stiles said softly, looking back up at Derek.

"We'll see." Derek said with a shrug, seemingly not worried about himself at all.

But Stiles was completely sure one about thing. Derek would choose himself in the end over Stiles. It was who the man was. Scott would always put his friends first. And that was the last thing Stiles needed. So, with a sigh, Stiles relented. "Fine… you're right, I do need to learn control."

Derek's reply was just a nod, and he put the car in reverse.

"So," Stiles said while the drove through the parking lot, "When should we start?"

"I'll do it at random times, it won't help if you're prepared for it." Derek said as he drove back across the street.

Stiles swallowed and nodded, knowing Derek was right.

All he could do was hope that in the end he would continue to be so, because just thinking about having that sweet and rich liquid once more filled him with desire. And he feared, if he tasted it again, he'd never be able to stop.

To be continued.

Authors Note: I hope you all liked it! I look forward to your thoughts on everything happening so far! Sorry if there are mistakes, I tried to rush just a little bit because I have work a bit earlier in the morning than usual. :(

Next weeks chapter might come on Wednesday rather than Friday... maybe... Still trying to figure that out, since it's a Holiday for us in the United States (I'm so excited I have people from other countries reading this by the way!).

Thanks for reading! :D
Nucleus