Take a look at me now,
'cos there's just an empty space
And you coming back to me
is against all odds and that's what I've got to face
The household settled, preparing for another move, onto Hefi, the Princess stating she missed the warmth. A statement causing an uncomfortable moment between Vader and Padmé. They all had retreated to their own quarter except for him.
Down the hall Vader was have less than calming night. Although he had put up a steely front, he had started to regret not being able to sleep. Dozing in the mask was certainly less than comfortable, but he wouldn't dare tell Aja that, and have her gloat. He was stooping into meditation when he felt a flicker in the Force. Pain washed through and he stood immediately, fearing where it was coming from, praying he wasn't right.
After checking on Aja and Luke, he came to Leia's room. The door opened and the little girl was drenched in sweat and tears. "Daddy," she said, her arms reaching to him. Suddenly, he was terrified, should he comfort her? Should he get Aja or Padmé? Should he leave her be?
His instinct jumped ahead of his mind and he found his arms wrapping around the child, holding her close sending soothing waves of calm to her via the Force. You're ok Leia, Daddy's got you. Your safe. The mantra was not his, but his mother's when he had been a child. She was shuddering and shaking, tears still tracking down her face that she buried into his neck.
He walked back out to the main room where he had been attempting to meditate. Pacing back and forth he rubbed her back and continued to speak through the Force, not wanting to scare her with his mechanical voice.
Padmé had heard the heavy boots in the hall and had woken quickly. Never truly sleeping well since taking to bed alone for three years. She didn't recognize the sound but had knew who it had been, for it didn't take a genius to know who would be stomping around past midnight. She smirked and put on a robe to check on the kids when she heard a muffled sob. Padding out she followed the noise and saw Vader bouncing Leia on his hip, his large gloved hand rubbing her back.
"Padmé! I-.. I'm-.. She had a nightmare, and-.. and I-" Padmé said nothing, just crossed her arms over her chest. His voice was quiet, but had an edge.
"She's your daughter too," She said flatly. Her voice devoid of emotion. It was hard to see the source of all evil in the galaxy cuddling her child, their child. Leia looked quite content and peaceful, drifting off into her father's arm.
"Padmé-" his mind was whirling with emotions and his chest was tight with nerves. "Please, can we-"
"No. Vader." She said tiredly, "No we can't. Make sure she gets some sleep." She said and spun on her heels to leave. Vader watched as she left, her robe fluttering behind her. Force, she's still so beautiful.
He watched her leave and was captivated until the warm body in his arms wriggled and clung tighter. "Dadd-y." she yawned.
"Ready for bed Princess?" he asked, she buried her head into his shoulder and shook it, her long chestnut braid waving back and forth. He smiled under his mask. "What if I tell you a story?"
"A daddy story?" she asked, her brown eyes looking up with excitement. The thought froze him, a daddy story?.. Oh Padmé.
"Yes sweetheart, I will tell you a Daddy story." He walked back to her room and tucked her into bed, the excitement of being with her father eclipsing her fear of the nightmare that had plagued her.
She pulled him down so her head was cushioned by a pillow against his ribs, his large hand clasped in her tiny one. "Ready Leia." She nodded her head, her mouth stretching in a large yawn, her rosy lips forming a perfect 'O'. He had a notion to make something up, refusing to allow his recent dark years taint this perfect, angelic child.
A sudden thought occurred to him that he had once thought his heroic tales would make a good story, the kind he had requested from his own mother at bedtime, but accept those tales as his own history was to accept that he was Anakin Skywalker, a fact that only he seemed to be fighting against.
"There once was a brave Jedi Knight named Anakin Skywalker. His name was known throughout the galaxy to stand for peace and justice. One day, he was visiting a planet call Cato Neimoidia…" She tried valiantly to keep her eyes open, but the deep baritone voice was calm and settling and it didn't take long until she lost her fight against her heavy lids and fell asleep. He sat and stared at the wondrous creature. My daughter, my own daughter. He sat on the bed for a long time, her warm breath creating fog on the control box, her hand clasped in his. She's already so precious to me.
So what are you going to do, another voice infiltrated his mind. How are you going to keep them safe, brother.
By any means necessary, Mally, by any means. The warm feeling was soothing, but his heart ached and he knew he had to distract himself from the issue at hand. Until it was time.
"Goodnight sweet child, my precious daughter." He cupped her cheek, wishing for nothing more but to be able to kiss his daughter, to hug her properly, to be a true father to her, and to Luke. Her tiny body seemed so small, and yet had such a hold of his heart, he knew that the darkness would disappear entirely. I must go. He thought in despair. I need to leave before I harm them. He moved to stand but Leia would have none of it, her hand tightening its grip on his own, a wrinkled 'V' forming between her soft brow where her head was rest on his side. He had seen that look on her mother's face often enough to know he wasn't going anywhere, if he didn't want to wake her.
He pulled the blanket tight over her shoulders and laid his large hand on her small head, smoothing her hair back from her face. Leaning back against the wall, he felt his chest relax and his own eyes droop.
Padmé, ever the light sleeper, went to check on her daughter hours later. The minute amount of fear that he would abscond with their children had nested in the back of her mind. But she had not prepared herself for the sight before her. The powerful and evil Darth Vader, seemingly asleep, with Leia, curled up, her head resting on his lap. A smile tugged at her cheeks and she couldn't help but feel the warmth seeping in, poisoning her ideals of this terrible man.
Suddenly confused, she knew she could sleep no more, she checked on Luke, who was sleeping like the dead. Like his Father. She mused. Walking to the main room that she had caught Vader in hours earlier, she was surprised to see the Princess awake, in her dressing gown, with two cups of tea in front of her.
"You need to talk." Aja said plainly, "And between him, you and the kids, I'm definitely not getting any sleep tonight. Tea?" Padmé sat next to her, a thought occurring to her.
"You're my sister-in-law."
"Just hitting you now?" Aja smiled and rolled her eyes.
"How long have you-"
"Not long, just before Empire Day. He asleep?"
"Him and Leia. I want to hate him, I want him to feel all the pain he made me feel, all the hurt he caused, but the picture of him cuddled up with Leia won't give way." Aja nodded.
"Talk, say whatever is on your mind. You'll feel better." And so the two women talked, as morning dawned, and tea grew cold, they talked about children, about pain, about suffering.
About love.
Vader woke disoriented. Looking around he saw the spread of stuffed toys and hanging mobiles of fighters. Looking down he saw Leia, wriggling and shifting restlessly. Looking out the window he saw the pale light of morning. His legs were numb, he was more stiff then a droid in the desert, and he was in dire need of nutrition. But the sleepy yawn and smile on Leia's face was well worth it all.
"Good morning princess." He said softly, tucking a stray hair behind her ear, "did you sleep well?" she nodded and crawled into his lap, bringing the pillow with her and cuddling into his arms.
Aja wandered in, dressed ready for the day. "We need to go to Hefi, to at least have the appearance of decorum. And you need to be seen on the Executor so the Emperor doesn't suspect anything." He nodded and his heart ached, torn at wanting to stay in this moment forever, holding his daughter, and his need for justice.
"Yes. But not yet." She smiled and nodded. He saw the question on her face and rolled his eyes under the mask. "And yes I did get some sleep. Not much, but it was probably the best sleep I've had in three years."
She smiled and looked at the small body clinging to him, "Having a little person who loves you warding off the dark all night probably helps." Her words stuck his core, A little person who loves you.. warding off the dark, he had been plagued with nightmares since succumbing to the darkness, but he had never connected to two. He'd had nightmares before, and after.
"He poisoned your mind. Those nightmares weren't your own, portent as they had been, they had a cause and effect, he caused something, and you were effected, it's that simple." A blush of anger swelled up and he took a calming breath. They looked at each other, their minds connected that he could predict her words as she could predict his. "You need to let go of the pain, of the anger. You need to forgive."
"You expect me to forgive him." He said trying to keep his words calm.
"No, I expect you to forgive yourself. Can you do that?" She said. "Think about it." She disappeared and he relaxed back, letting his daughter calm his racing heart. He absently rubbed her back and let her love wash over him. Forgive myself, never.
As dawn broke into morning the small household woke and busied itself with packing, contacting and preparing Hefi for Her Highness's arrival. Vader was forlorn, knowing that this would be the end of his time with his children for the foreseeable future.
He had sensed Obi Wan hiding from him, neither man wanting to tip the scales, both hoping that their tentative agreement would hold for the time being. For his family and his sister, whom had becoming quite captivated by the oddness of the Jedi, having never seen a true Jedi.
His anger with Obi Wan simmered, despite their cordial truce. He was brewing on the idea when he stopped and looked at the door he had just passed. He felt her within and made a decision. He needed to talk to his Sister.
He walked in unannounced, knowing she had sensed him at the door. "What's the-?" He started, but stopped when his eyes adjusted and noticed what was before him.
It wasn't the disapproval of the black ensemble or the dark worried eyes that had stopped his smart aleck quip, but all the scars that marred her body, faint burns that rivaled his own scattered across her back. It was the first time he had seen her without a large ornate dress. A thin top baring her midriff and billowy trousers, a thick wrap rested on the bed in front of her. For the first time he started getting an understanding of what she had gone through.
She turned around and faced him, a small faint scar on her forehead that struck him with a memory of kissing it, "You saw my scars." She said flatly.
"I'm-.. I'm sorry."
"I told you I understood. Do you believe me now?"
He nodded and she gave no more comment. "You are going to call the 501st and lead a convoy, 'escorting' us to Hefi. You will tell my Father that you found me attempting to flee to the outer rim and have me on house arrest on Hefi. The Executor will remain in orbit there." She said.
"That's a lot of details."
"Escort. Fleeing to outer rim. House arrest. Isn't that hard, or have you let that enormous brain atrophy with all the boot kissing." She whirled around, he had a retort at the tip of his tongue that died when he saw her front that was equally disfigured. She looked down, realising what he was looking at. "Each of them has a story of escape, or attempt at free will."
He stepped closer to get a better look at the one complete circular burn when she shifted to her other side and pointed at a particularly large one extending from her rib and disappearing past her hip, "this one was just after the start of the War, Padmé told me was because of Mom, but you were angry, So angry. He was over the moon and I asked, I spoke up."
A memory flipped through his mind that he fought back, "and this one," she pointed to a faint on that was as wide as his thumb and went horizontal from side to side just above her navel, "was when I tried to talk to Master Ki An Mundi in the senate building. Father had just been awarded more power and he was trying to convince some of the senators that he was still a decent person. I was there to humanize him, but forbidden to speak."
"What's this?" He cupped her cheek and his thumb grazed over the one above her brow. The first genuine smiled grew and he was startled at her reaction.
"That one was you." His chest tightened, and then some at her giggle.
"It's my strongest memory. We were coming from our respective work areas and I was angry and you were angry and Mother was trying to separate us and she was speaking to me.. telling me that I wasn't myself when you threw a droid part at me." He felt himself relaxing, trying to draw out the memory and suddenly he saw it clearly in his head.
His twin egging him on, a childish he said-she said, his mother trying to placate the two tired and grumpy from their own duties, he had been fiddling with the nut and bolt since he sat down. It had been too easy to throw it at his whining sister, hitting her dead on, the part immediately drawing lots of blood. So much blood. "Mala, 'M sorry. I-.."
"I had just wanted you to stop whining." She attempted to grin, but when he pulled back his shoulder armor, they matched scars.
"I'm going to fix yours."
"Who will fix yours though?" he said, a hand resting on her shoulder.
"Mine go deeper than the skin. No one will be able to fix mine, I will live with my pain and abandonment till the end of days." They were cut short when Kiratta suddenly appeared and was startled by the kinship of the Dark Lord and the Princess that was on display.
"Milady, we're ready. A Platoon of the 501st are here and asking for Lord Vader." He cupped her face and sighed.
"I will make him pay for every one of those." He said and left.
"Lord Vader." The commander snapped to attention as he walked into the room. "What are your orders."
"We will be escorting the Princess and her household to Hefi and rendezvous with the ship there." He said, "You will not remember this place," he said, Force bending the clones minds, "The Princess was caught in the outer rim attempting to flee." They nodded and wandered out to their ship lightly dazed.
The collective left less than hour later, the royal yacht was roomy and comfortable, even with the additional passengers. He was staring out at the stars when he felt two strong presences in the room. Aja was carrying a sleeping Luke, the fair head rested on her shoulder, and she looked serene and comfortable holding him. A bolt of jealousy struck his cored and he looked back out at the stars.
"Your children are already devoted to you, merely because you're their father. But they love me too, I'm their Aunt." Vader said nothing. "He fell asleep on me when I felt your.. Contemplation."
"I am going to leave a squad of men on the planet. Their official orders are to ensure you don't leave, but I've left commands that they obey your every order. They are there to protect you."
"I have one enemy in the universe, as you have one master," She remarked. He looked down at the boy clinging to her, the boys tiny head smaller than his large gloved hand. His mind in turmoil of all the things that his Master had told him to do. He had trusted that they had been for the betterment of the galaxy, but now, looking at the sleeping innocent face of his son, he wasn't so sure it had all been worth it.
He had left Aja on the observation deck with Luke and wandering back down to the hull of the ship. The rest of Aja's ladies were mingling in the corner, playing some card game with her relaxing Red Guards, Padmé's guard and Leia watching intently, Obi Wan appearing to be meditating on the other side of the room. He watched his daughter giggle and point, excitement on her face. He scanned the room and didn't see the one he was looking for. He went deeper into the ship and found her sitting on the edge of a bed, staring at her toes.
"I meant to ask earlier. Why did you cut your hair?" He stared at her bald head and frowned, recalling happier days when he would come into their room late and bury his face in her long russet curls, the action always calming him, grounding him.
"Made a wig with them," she said, not looking up. He could feel her tension and fear bubbling beneath the surface.
"The funeral. I watched-"
"You, and the rest of the Galaxy saw a woman, who had died in childbirth. Before her baby was born. A dead double is easier to fake than a live one." Her tone was cold and un feeling. He looked at her, her face was drawn and her cheeks were hollow, her frame which had always been petite, but healthy. Now she was miniscule and frail. She looked like a woman much older than thirty.
"Our anniversary is next month." The thought sprung into his mind. His words finally striking a cord. She looked up, her large brown eyes held such grief.
"Why would you care." He hesitated for a moment and then took a step closer. She recoiled and he curse himself for frightening her. Kneeling at her feet he looked up at her, hoping the position, while excruciatingly painful, would be less intimidating.
"Why wouldn't I Padmé. Despite all the unspeakable acts I've committed, all the terrible things I've done, despite the monster I've become, I still love you. I once told you that you were a part of me. That hasn't changed one iota." He reached out a hand and rested it gently on her knee. She didn't withdraw and he took that as progress.
"I'm sorry Darth but the man I love is dead."
She looked at him, her eyes boring holes in his heart. "I want to be the man you love," he cupped her face, she could feel his intense gaze through the mask. "I need you to make me human again Padmé. I love you, I have always loved you."
"Your sister-"
"She is a part of me, I love her like I love my arm," He looked down at the cybernetic limb, "Ok, bad example, but nonetheless true. I love her like I love myself. And on that list we're way down, below you and the children. They are my everything and you are my soul Padmé."
"What do you want me to do, just accept this as is?"
"I'm only a man Padmé," he said defeated, "I have made more mistakes in my life than I can count, but the ones I regret the most are hurting you. When I thought you were -.. Lost. I became the cyborg the galaxy thought me, I had thought I killed everything I loved. How could I call myself a human, a man, when I had lost my soul?" Padmé rested a hand on his shoulder, his words touching the irrational part of her mind, the part that; after everything; still loved him.
"I know that this-" he touched his mask, "this is my condemnation. I will never be able to repent for all that I have done. The scars I have, the pain I endure every day is my punishment."
The words were full of contrite agony, she couldn't stand it anymore, pulling him close she hugged his shoulders and wept. Her tears leaving tracks on his helmet. She cried for the curse he had to shoulder and the powers that enslaved him since boyhood. Her tears were cathartic and yet she knew that this moment of weakness was just that, a moment. She knew he had to return to being Darth Vader, she knew he had to return to the angry and hateful position at the head of the Empire, but knowing her Anakin was still alive was enough.
She would love the hate right out of him. Her hands moved to his mask, "I want to see you."
"No Padmé. There is a face under this mask, but it isn't the one you remember," her hand stilled as she cupped the masked cheek. "I haven't been that man in years."
"Only three."
"It may have been three years, but my heart aged eighty the day I was told you had died." The deep tenor of the vocabulator masked his true feelings, but she could still hear the aching heartbreak in his voice.
"Ani,"
"No Padmé, I'm not that man anymore. I am not Anakin Skywalker anymore."
"Not yet." She said, her resolve strengthening. She would bring him back. She would try and love him again, realising it wouldn't be that hard. "You can call yourself whatever you so choose," she said stubbornly, "But you will always be Anakin Skywalker to me. No matter what your face looks like, or what colour lightsaber you wield. I married Anakin Skywalker, he is the man I love. And he is you."
His disposition became a little brighter, "Thank you.. Angel."
"Milady we are out of light speed, the Executor is requesting conformation from Lord Vader." She nodded and went to the lower level, reaching out and found the two in one of the rooms, both sitting on the bed, holding hands, and chatting.
"Your captain is requesting that you make an appearance. I think he's under the impression that I killed you." She snickered and he rolled his eyes.
"Duty comes first, especially in War Time." Padmé parroted quietly.
"I knew you were angry." He laughed, Aja's brows hit hairline at the camaraderie between the two. She watched him cup her cheek and stepped aside as he went to the bridge to confer with his ship.
"You two seem to have.. reconciled."
Padmé glared at her, "You didn't seem to quick to come rescue me."
"Padmé, you two are still technically married. I thought it'd be prudent for you two to chat. I warned him that if he harmed you I'd kill him." Her blue eyes grew steely. "I wasn't kidding." Padmé hadn't been scared of her since the first day, weeks before when fate had thrust her life into the hands of the most powerful woman in the Galaxy. In that moment, she could feel the power the lithe woman possessed. Her arms were steel and her reflexes were quick as a Jedi.
"I'm probably the only one that could ever hold my own against him." She smiled, "Not that I ever want it to come to that."
"Why do you put so much faith in me, your entire life has been permeated with darkness."
"Did you know that your eyes can see a candle from miles and miles away." Padmé hadn't been expecting that and was momentarily confused.
"My mother-.. Our mother was a candle to me. I had the letter that was soaked in goodness, pleading me to be happy, to know love. I sought love from the Emperor for years before finally giving up. She told me not to be angry, not to be scared and so I clung to that idea. That there was someone out there that loved me."
Aja smiled and gathered a headdress from the trunk that was shoved in the room she had been hiding in, "I knew that if I let it, anger would make me into him, my 'Father' has always been-.. Angry, hateful, spiteful. I saw everyday what would happen if I let it. And so I steeled myself against it." She tucked her hair into the headdress and draped the veil over her face, the thick shawl belted at her thin waist.
"I had no warmth and so I focused on that candle, I realise now that it was always Anakin that I was focusing on. That it wasn't her. I never felt went she died, but my Father had no qualms in rubbing it in my face." Padmé frowned and stood, wanting to hug her, to comfort her.
Aja stepped back, "I need him to be my candle." She said, "this is why I place good above everything else. If I don't have an anchor, I'll drift away." She finished wrapping and tucking and looked ever the Princess that Padmé remembered from the first time she had crashed onto the pad.
"Let's go face the Imperials Miss Dala."