Chapter 8

I heard people start to come in. I took out my cell phone going through my contacts. That was always my nervous habit. I always took out my phone and pretended to be texting someone. I had nobody to text. I had hung out with Natalie this weekend but it wasn't the same. She didn't want to talk about Cameron. She didn't want to talk about herself. She wanted to talk about me.

"Hey, Amanda!" Marie with frizzy hair said. She came over and I turned tucking my cell phone into my pocket.

"Hey," I said.

She put her bag next to mine on the bench against the wall. "What's up?" She asked.

I shrugged smiling weakly. "Nothing," I said. She unzipped the duffle bag in front of her taking out her cell phone and seeing there was a text on it. She opened it and started answering it. "How was your weekend?"

"Good, what about yours?" She said slowly as she typed out a message.

"Fine," My voice shot up when I said that. I ran my fingers through my hair. I didn't have time to pull it back this morning. I had to wait until I saw Natalie to ask her for a hair elastic. I knew she would have one. She always did.

"That's good," Marie with frizzy hair said. I nodded and more girls came in. The first horn sounded which meant we gad to start wrapping up conversations because parents were going to start dropping their kids off. I saw a line of seniors roll in and the front door was blocked. The last thing I wanted was to be stuck in the cabin with all the girl counselors. The counselors cabin was big on the outside but it was split in half- boys and girls- and we barely had enough room.

I looked out the back screen door. I figured that was the safest route out. I wouldn't run into anyone who had been at the party on Friday- of which Natalie said I made quite a show at. She said it hadn't been that horrible. I just had hoped it would have all come back to me, but so far it was just a shattered series of memories that didn't come together too well.

The walk to the logs wasn't that far from the back and I didn't run into anyone. I felt shakey. I hoped secretly he wouldn't be here. He wouldn't be waiting by the logs but I knew I wasn't the first to walk over to the logs. There were other people but they were all seniors. Geeky seniors. Then there was Kenny. He was sitting there looking at his clipboard. Just as I was scared he would be.

I felt my stomach collapse when I saw him. I swallowed and walked over to our log. I sat down and the head camp couselor came over handing me the clipboard. "You guys have an easy day today," She said smiling a little. She plans out all of the days. I don't know when, but all the schedules are made up by her and somehow they all work out perfectly.

"Thank you," I said taking it. I looked at it. I kept my eyes on it. It was something to concentrate on. We had mostly recreational stuff. Lake, field and playground recreation- this was the day we all prayed for as counselors. But I wasn't in the mood to play Mayan Lava Pit with-

"Hey!"

I jumped. Turning around and not seeing anyone. I felt like I just had a heart attack. Someone just screamed into my ear and there was nobody to be found. I looked over and he was laughing sitting down next to me. "I couldn't help it..." He said sitting down normally. "You were so unsuspecting."

I felt out of breath. "What the hell?" Was all I got out. He was laughing.

"I'm sorry," He said calming down a little looking at me.

I looked down at my clipboard. "It's fine," I said. I was shaken. I wasn't shaking because he had scared me. He was five inches away from me watching me. His eyes were glued to me and watching my every move now.

"Did I find the right car when I drove you home?" He asked. His voice had a roll to it. He was laughing about Friday. I shuddered at the thought of it.

"Yeah," I said. "Surprisingly..."

"Why is it so surprising?" He laughed softly leaning in to nudge me.

I shrugged. I couldn't look at him. "I don't know," I said. "I was probably a mess."

"You weren't that bad..." He said. I looked up at him. He sensed the complete panic I was just overwhelmed with and he laughed a little. "I'm kidding, you were fine."

I kept looking at him. I had thought it through. There was no way something could have happened? But there were those patches I didn't remember. I chewed the inside of my lip. "I don't remember a lot of it," I said softly.

He smiled a little softer. "Nothing happened," He said.

"What do you mean?" I stared at him.

He shrugged looking forward. "I didn't rape you or anything," He said. "We just talked and I drove you home." I raised my eyebrows at the rape comment. He smiled a little. "I'm just clearing the air, Amanda, I know your not thinking that I raped you. I'm just being blunt." I shook my head looking down at my clipboard. He sat there. "So, uh, Meredith... she uh, passed out last night so I made her stay home. She scares the kids when she's hung over... so it looks like you're gonna' have to put that clipboard down."

My stomach rippled. I was nervous this would happen. I sighed. "I almost got an all recreation day," I said trying to act like I would have last week.

He smiled. "You won't be missing anything," He said. "I always have all recreation days, I was just going to save that for my bribing point if you said you couldn't ditch Nateron-"

"Nateron?"

He smiled. "All the hot couples have the name combination thing," He said. "It's all the rage in Hollywood."

I smiled a little. He pushed off of the log reaching his hand down for me. I looked at it and took it. He pulled me to my feet and my stomach filled with butterflies. I hated this. I didn't want to be near him. I thought of all the stupid things I could have done on Friday night. I never thought I'd ever do that. What was wrong with me?

"Look," He said. He held onto my hand. "You don't have to worry about anything that happened on Friday. If it makes you feel any better- I don't remember that much in the beginning." I looked at him.

I shrugged a shoulder forcing a quick smile. "It's fine," I pulled my hand away. He had been holding it too long. "I don't care. I was just nervous something happened..."

He squinted at me leaning back slightly. "Is this about me and Grace?" He asked.

"No," I said quietly. He waited a little longer for me to say something. The spotlight was on me. I never nervously talked in my life but the words came out quickly and in a jumbled mess. "I mean, if something happened I wouldn't feel like I was stabbing Grace in the back... I mean I would be I just... I didn't think-"

He smiled laughing softly. "You're acting so weird," He said softly.

I felt my cheeks burn. I was acting like an idiot. We were barely even friends. I wanted to kick myself. I ran my fingers through my hair. I needed to pull it back. I saw Natalie coming over. "Hey," She waved at me. "You helping Ken today?"

"Yes she is," Kenny said tucking his hands in his pockets. "Meredith was partying a little last night."

Natalie nodded smiling a little. She threw her blonde hair over her shoulder. I crossed my arms. "Do you have an elastic I can borrow?" I asked her.

She moved her hand to her wrist. "Oh, no," She said. "I forgot my elastics today..." She looked at her wrist. "Fuck, we're probably stuck with all of the swimming..."

Today was already awful. I nodded. "Whatever," I said running a hand through my hair again. "You have swimming first though..."

She groaned. "Today sucks..." She said looking at me. "I guess I'll see you at lunch."

"Yeah," I said. "See you later."

She smiled at Kenny and broke off. Kenny started walking scooping me along. He slipped his arm through mine like we were little kids. "Why do girls always need ot have their hair back?" He asked. I pulled my arm away from his.

"I don't know..."

"Your hair looks nice when it's down. You look a whole lot better than that girl Marie who wears her hair down all the time..."

I looked over at him. I smiled a little and we made it to his little pink log. I picked up his clipboard and looked at his schedule. It wasn't that bad. A whole lot of the kids playing instead of us controlling a lot of stuff. He sat down on the log and I stared at the back of his head. He was unsuspecting.

"Hey!" He said that loudly when I hit his head with the clipboard.

"That's for jumping up on me," I said sitting down next to him.

"Oh, really?" He said gripping the back of his head. "Now I get to retaliate."

I shook my head. "I still have to retaliate for pushing me in the lake and almost drowning me three times after that." I said.

He shrugged. "So," He said. "I can still get you back for attacking me."

I smiled. "What are you going to do?" I said. "Push me in a lake?"

"That's already been done..." He said rolling his eyes. "I'm going to have to out-do myself with my next scheme."

I laughed softly and he raised his eyebrows smiling too. He rolled his eyes looking forward. The kids were starting to come from the drop off area. I looked over at Kenny. I chewed on the inside of my lip. What if something did happen? He said he didn't remember a lot either. I shuddered at the thought. If something did happen I didn't even remember my first time of it ever happening in my entire life.

Not only that it would have happened with my best friend's ex-boyfriend.

That made me the worst friend on top of it being something I'm always going to regret.

I was sitting on the swings. The kids were all running around and the last thing I had seen of Kenny was he had been yelling at Ming for putting a bucket on Sandy's head. I sat back and watched the kids. It was all I was supposed to do. I leaned my head against the chain of the swing and watched.

A pair of hands were suddenly behind me. I jumped and whipped my head around and I was going forward. I ended up with my back against his stomach. For a split second he was right there. Then he pushed me again. "What are you doing?"

"Pushing you... duh," He said and then he laughed quietly. "So Manders, what's new?"

"Nothing," I dug my feet into the ground so I stopped. I was against his stomach again. He looked down at me holding the chain links of the swing. He sighed. "Something's wrong..." He said.

"No there isn't," I said.

"I can feel it, Manders-"

"Stop calling me that-"

"You're depressed... again." He kept holding onto the swing and I was back against him. "Tell me what's wrong... I won't tell anyone... unless it's really funny and embarrassing and I just can't resist."

"Nothing's wrong," I said. "I just don't want to be pushed on the swing right now."

"You're secretly in love with Cameron?" He said loudly and acting surprised. "You never said anything to me about that! What the hell Amanda?" I looked up at him and he couldn't keep a straight face. He smiled and looked up. "Ming!" He said. I looked over and saw Ming climbing onto the cement tunnel. He instantly let go and slid to the ground. "Zowwy Kenny..."

I was uncomfortable, he was so close to me. He inched back a little but kept holding on. "If you want I can tell Cameron you're interested," He said. "He'd dump Natalie pronto for you."

I shook my head. "Natalie said he really likes her," I said defensively.

"Nope," Kenny said. "Come on, Manders, keep up with the times... ninety-nine percent of guys under the age of twenty-five are complete assholes. He's aiming to be the king of all assholes too. Shoot for the moon and settle for what you land on..."

"What's that supposed to mean?" I said looking up at him. "He's not just..."

"Yup," He said looking at me. "He went after you and settled with screwing over Natalie."

I felt awful for Natalie. All she talks about is Cameron. She says he's the greatest guy she's ever met. She really honest to god likes him and he's just screwing her over. I looked forward at the kids who were all running around. Behind me Kenny started to pull my swing back but I justdug my feet into the ground. They were hurting now from scraping the wood-chips.

"God," He said. "I'm always the bearer of bad news. I'm screwing up your life, aren't I?"

I looked back at him. "No..." I said.

He let go of the swing and sat down in the one beside me. His arms dangled down and he just watched the kids. He looked over at me. "I'm sorry I made you smoke with me," He said. He meant this. It wasn't some happy little sarcastic remark. He was looking me in the eyes saying this.

"It's fine," I said. "I was the one who agreed to it."

He shrugged. "I'm the corruptor," He put his hands up in surrender. "I'm initiated the whole shananigan." I smiled shaking my head looking away. He smiled a little too and started swinging. "You never smoked before?"

"No," I said. "I'm not really up to date on everything... or at least that's what Grace always said-" We bring up Grace sometimes. He doesn't like to talk about it and I don't like to think about what happened. But when her name is brought up we both pause and take a moment of silence.

"What does that mean?" He asked. I looked over at him. He was barely swinging now. Just dangling there looking over at me.

I looked down. "I just haven't..." I didn't want to say this. He kept waiting. His brown eyes were on me. Waiting to finish that thought. I shrugged a shoulder. "I just haven't done a lot of stuff..." His eyebrows went down.

"So?"

I usually didn't get that response. Grace would have questioned me. Like done what? Everything. Like drinking? First time in the end of May. Had sex? No... Oral? No. Hand? No. Made out? Nope. Kissed? That was the question that killed me. Nope. Drugs? Just last Friday. Had a boyfriend? Seventh grade. That doesn't count. Then no. The list goes on and on.

I didn't say anything.

He started swinging. "To be perfectly honest," He said. "Everything everyone's so into is retarded. I just smoke weed because it gets me away from all of the shit with nothing else happening." I didn't answer him. I didn't even know what 'with nothing else happening' meant. "Don't worry about it. Nobody- with the exception of Grace- has done everything. I know I haven't- Ming! Dude, get over here."

I looked over and saw Ming dropping a rock onto the ground and start dragging his feet over to the swings. Kenny sat there and he gave the kid a look. "Dude, you can't do that..."

After five minutes Ming just came over and sat on the ground next to me. Kenny exchanged a look with me and went back to kid watching. "Amanda," Ming said. "Are you still mad at me too?"

"No," I said. "It's okay."

"I'm zowwy," He said to me.

I smiled. "It's okay,"

"I like you better than Kenny..."

"I heard that," Kenny said looking over. "I don't make the rules, buddy, I just have to make sure Sandy doesn't get his glasses crushed like last week."

"I'm zowwy Kenny..."