Scene Five. Army of Ghosts/Doomsday (Phantom of the Opera)
A bare expanse of south Wales coast.
Song. THIS IS HOW I DIED (LITTLE LOTTE) (Hart/Stilgoe/Webber)
ROSE. THIS IS THE PLANET EARFF
THIS IS WHERE I WAS BORN
FOR NINETEEN YEARS, NUFFINK HAPPENED,
NUFFINK AT ALL.
THIS IS HOW I DIED,
THIS IS HOW I DIED . . .
ROSE appears on stage alone. Blackout.
RUSSELL T DAVIES. Roll five-second clip of Ninth Doctor.
In a five-second clip, the Ninth Doctor grabs ROSE's hand.
THE DOCTOR stands next to ROSE in a magically paleolithic landscape.
THE DOCTOR. How long you gonna stay with me?
ROSE. Forever.
THE DOCTOR. Err . . .
ROSE. Wot?
THE DOCTOR. Never mind. Look at all the pretty scenery . . .
ROSE. No, wot?
THE DOCTOR. Forever? Come on, Rose, ol' buddy, ol' pal—you know I'm a Time Lord. Remember Sarah Jane?
ROSE. 'Course. 'Course I know. Just have to act doomed and tragically romantic to add weight to our star-cross'd lovers' plight.
THE DOCTOR. Ah.
THE DOCTOR and ROSE land outside the Powell Estate. They make their way into JACKIE's flat.
ROSE. Look, Mum, I got you somefink—
She tries to hand it to JACKIE, but her mom flings the trinket aside and throws herself on THE DOCTOR.
JACKIE. You lovely big man!
THE DOCTOR. Put me down! And make some tea.
JACKIE. Sexist alien pig, I'll show you. My dad's coming in about five minutes. Nyeh.
ROSE. He's dead.
JACKIE. I know.
ROSE. So you dug him up or wot?
A shadowy figure appears in the kitchen.
Song. LOTS OF GHOSTS (THINK OF ME) (Hart/Stilgoe/Webber)
JACKIE. LOTS OF GHOSTS,
LOTS OF GHOSTS SHOWING
UP IN EV'RY LAND!
THE DOCTOR. LOTS OF GHOSTS,
BUT YOU'RE NOT FREAKING
OUT—DON'T UNDERSTAND!
JACKIE. WE WERE SCARED AT FIRST
BUT NOW IT'S PAT—
YOU SEE, IT'S ON TV … (indicates the news)
THE DOCTOR. SINCE WHEN DID GHOSTS HAVE SHIFTS?!
JACKIE. COME OUTSIDE AND SEE!
Interlude. "Father's Day" music. THE DOCTOR and ROSE observe many shadowy figures.
THE DOCTOR. Duhhhhrrrr! You're imagining it all. Besides, these things don't even look like ghosts. Vaguely humanoid figures, I'll grant you, perhaps men wearing lycra suits with ping pong balls attached.
He puts on his glasses.
JACKIE. You're mean! I hate you!
THE DOCTOR. Now, now, Baby Jackie . . .
JACKIE and ROSE run inside.
JACKIE. LOOK AT YOU,
LOOK AT MY DAUGHTER,
NOTICE HOW SHE'S CHANGED!
ROSE. SO WHAT, MUM?
I USED TO BE A SHOP GIRL,
THIS IS A POSTIVE EXCHANGE!
CUT THE CRAP,
THIS WRITING DON'T MAKE SENSE—
JACKIE. I'M JUST SETTING UP FOR TEARS!
CONSIDER THE AGE DEMOGRAPHIC—
THEY ARE ALL YOUR PEERS!
ROSE runs back outside with THE DOCTOR.
ROSE. COULD IT BE,
COULD IT BE, DOCTOR--?
What about the Gelth?
THE DOCTOR. DON'T THINK SO,
I'M TOUCHED, THOUGH,
THAT YOU REMEMBER—
ROSE. IT'S FOR THE FANS.
JACKIE joins them again as THE DOCTOR sets up something to trap the ghosts.
THE DOCTOR. LET'S GET THIS TRIANGULATED . . .
JACKIE. DON'T UNDERSTAND . . .
WILL COHEN. A BIT SLY,
PARODY WRITER. BECAUSE TO MY EYE
THEY HAVEN'T GOT A CYBER-SHAPE—
THE DOCTOR. GHOST SHIFT YOUR HEARTS OUT, BITCHEZ—
I'M ON MY WAY, NO MISTAAAAA
AAAAAAA
(cadenza)
MISTAKE!
JACKIE. Wow. At what point in your former lives did you become a castrato, Doctor?
ROSE. He's not a castrato!
JACKIE. Oh yeah? Prove it!
ROSE grabs the top of THE DOCTOR's trousers and starts to pull. He screams and runs away, ROSE and JACKIE in hot pursuit. THE TARDIS takes off. ROSE finally catches up with THE DOCTOR who is panting in the Control Room.
THE DOCTOR. Okay . . . okay . . . you win. You can get into my trousers any . . .
She grabs him and shakes him.
ROSE. Doctor! My mum's still on board!
THE DOCTOR. Well, she can get in my trousers any . . .
ROSE. Doctor!!
THE DOCTOR. This is still kids' TV, isn't it? I can't say things like that.
MARY WHITEHOUSE. I should say not!
THE DOCTOR. What are we going to do?
ROSE. Better grab her, makes some cracks about her age, and pretend she's me. Where are we going, by the way?
Meanwhile, at Canary Wharf . . .
Song. TORCHWOOD HEADQUARTERS (ANGEL OF MUSIC) (Hart/Stilgoe/Webber)
YVONNE. TORCHWOOD HEADQUARTERS,
MY NAME IS YVONNE.
I'M BUXOM AND I'M BITCHY.
I'M ARROGANT,
AND NATIONALISTIC;
I BELONG ON AL MURRAY.
ADEOLA. MY NAME'S NOT MARTHA—HER COUSIN;
GARETH. AND I AM GARETH, PINK SHIRT.
ADEOLA. GOD, I AM BORED, LET'S GET OUT OF HERE,
GARETH. AND IN DARK CORRIDORS FLIRT!
They run out to plastic-covered corridors. They scream. Interlude: Cyberman music from "Tomb of the Cybermen."
YVONNE pages DR RAJ.
YVONNE. YO, RAJ, HOW ARE YOU?
WHAT'S THE SPHERE DOING?
Down in the basement, DR RAJ responds while staring at a massive metallic sphere.
DR RAJ. READING PORN—I MEAN, UM,
SUDOKU—HERE—
I'M DOING SUDOKU.
(looks sadly up at the sphere) CAN'T WE AFFORD BETTER FX?
Upstairs, THE DOCTOR, ROSE, and JACKIE are transported to Torchwood Tower.
YVONNE. DOCTOR, SO HAPPY TO SEE YOU!
THE DOCTOR. YOU'VE HEARD OF ME, THEN?
YVONNE. INDEED!
WHERE IS YOUR COMPANION?
THE DOCTOR. SHE'S RIGHT HERE—
He grabs JACKIE. Meanwhile in THE TARDIS, ROSE hides and goes through THE DOCTOR's pocket.
THE DOCTOR. A BIT CHAV, I CONCEDE!
YVONNE. TORCHWOOD HEADQUARTERS,
WE WON'T GO METRIC—
THE DOCTOR. HOW MUCH MONEY DO YOU HAVE?!
YVONNE. ENOUGH—WE'RE BAD ASS—ROSE. I'LL DON THIS DISGUISE AND . . .
SHOT DOWN THE SYCORAX—OOH, WHAT'S THIS IN HIS POCKET?!
NOW COME ALONG DOCTOR AND CHAV!OOH, SQUISHY, SQUISHY—
FOCUS, YOU NEED PSYCHIC PAPER!
YVONNE. So you see, Doctor, we've found this crack in the void, the sphere came through, then the ghosts. Pretty snazzy, innit?
THE DOCTOR. How dare you rip further into the fabric of the void?! Oooh, look at this pretty glass . . . Happy happy joy joy . . .
He uses the sonic screwdriver to break the glass.
YVONNE. You childish little man.
THE DOCTOR. What's the point in being grown up--?
She hits him.
THE DOCTOR. Guess you've heard that one before.
ANY CHANCE FOR
A CUP OF TEA . . .YVONNE. THEY SAID YOU
I'M GETTING LIKED TO MAKE A
QUITE COMFY . . . MESS
JACKIE. I'M FRIGHTENED!
ADEOLA & GARETH. DON'T BE FRIGHTENED . . .
Downstairs, ROSE slips into the lab where DR RAJ is still staring at the sphere.
ROSE. Because I look so convincing in my white lab coat, I'll go ahead and flash my physic paper at you.
DR RAJ. This paper is blank. Suckah.
MICKEY. Hands off, Doc.
ROSE. Mickey! It's good to see you! (licks his ear) What are you doing here? How did you get here? What are you doing wiv that big gun?
MICKEY. You're supposed to say, is that a big gun or are you just happy to see me?
Song. MYSTERY (NOTES) (Hart/Stilgoe/Webber)
ROSE. MYSTERY, WHAT'S INSIDE THAT SPHERE?
Upstairs, ADEOLA and GARETH have been possessed and started up the ghost shift. CYBERMEN appear.
THE DOCTOR. OH MY GOODNESS, OH, CYBERMEN ARE HERE!
BAD NEWS ON TORCHWOOD'S WATCH—
YVONNE. WOW, I THINK I NEED A SCOTCH—
MICKEY. I'LL PUT THE FEAR OF GOD IN THEM—
THE DOCTOR. IT'S THIS PLANET'S REQUIEM . . .
Downstairs DALEKS appear from the sphere.
ROSE. The Daleks! And somefink called a Genesis Ark.
MICKEY. Ha.
DR RAJ. WHAT THE HECK IS A DALEK?
ROSE. TRUST ME, YOU DON'T WANT TO KNOW!
(to a DALEK) I WAS BAD WOLF, BITCH—
YEAH, YOU'D BETTER TWITCH!
DALEK. EXTERMINATE! GIVE US DATA
OR WE'LL AFRAID YOU—
ROSE & MICKEY. NO!
THE DALEKS squish DR RAJ's head.
Outside, CYBERMEN infiltrate people's houses.
CYBERMEN. . . . Cybermen will remove sex . . .
HUMANS. Oh, man!
THE CYBERMEN and the DALEKS face off.
DALEKS. INCREDIBLE, THAT WE'VE NEVER MET!
CYBERMEN. YES, INCREDIBLE—WILL YOU BE OUR PET?
DALEKS. WE THINK NOT—THIS IS PEST CONTROL
WE'RE THE BEST—
CYBERMEN.THIS IS FOLDEROL!
THE DOCTOR. A CHILDISH CONFRONTATION HERE—
PETE shows up, with JAKE and various other Cybermen-fighters.
PETE TYLER. I THINK THAT WE WILL INTERFERE!
The CYBERMEN and DALEKS destroy each other. PETE grabs THE DOCTOR and they disappear back across the void to the parallel world.
THE DOCTOR. Hmm. This looks like a compound in Utah.
PETE. Wouldn't know.
THE DOCTOR. You should, like, save your wife.
PETE. My wife in a parallel universe.
THE DOCTOR. And Rose is like your daughter.
PETE. Why don't you suggest we save Yvonne?
PETE takes THE DOCTOR back to the other world.
THE DOCTOR. That slapper?! I mean— Stop doing that!
PETE. I'm a poster boy for global warming. Seal up the cracks, Doctor.
THE DOCTOR. I knew you when you were dead. What Time Lord technology?
THE DALEKS fly through the air above London.
DALEKS. COME FLY WITH ME
LET'S FLY, LET'S FLY AWAY . . .
The Genesis Ark spits out a bunch of DALEKS.
THE DOCTOR. Oh. How clever of the Time Lords to make something so distinctly Dalek-shaped. Fall of Arcadia, blah, blah, blah—the Time War and all that jazz.
JACKIE and PETE meet, face to face.
JACKIE. Pete Tyler! The—other—Pete Tyler. How rich are you? (jumps him)
THE DOCTOR. I did not need to see that.
ROSE. Doctor, what's the Cult of Skaro?
THE DOCTOR. Something RTD made up after one too many in the Uplands Tavern. More to the point, is that the same group of Welsh extras made to cower as the Cybermen tromp around?
ROSE. Yes, I think so.
THE DOCTOR. Well, I hope they're at least being well-paid.
ROSE. Free tickets to John Barrowman's pantomime, I think.
THE DOCTOR. Oooooh!
PETE. The problem at hand, people!
THE DOCTOR puts on the 3-D glasses.
Song. VOID STUFF BECKONS (MUSIC OF THE NIGHT) (Hart/Stilgoe/Webber)
THE DOCTOR. VOID STUFF BECKONS,
SEE IT WITH THESE GLASSES—
PETE. SO YOU OPEN UP THE GHOST SHIFT,
VOID-TRAPPING ALL THEIR ARSES?
JACKIE, YOU MUST GET OUT—
JACKIE. I THINK THIS ONE I'LL SIT OUT—
THE DOCTOR. I WILL STAY HERE AND CLOSE THE VOID FROM THIS END
ROSE. YOU WANT ME TO GO, TOO? WHEN I AM JUST YOUR— BEST FRIEND
THE DOCTOR. TURN YOUR THOUGHTS AWAY
FROM LIFE WITH ME—IT'S TRÈS
LUDICROUS TO THINK WE CAN MAKE IT WORK
ROSE. I'M STAYING HERE, GET THROUGH YOUR HEAD, YOU JERK!
THE CYBERMAN-YVONNE starts shooting pursuing CYBERMEN.
PARODY WRITER. Yvonne—WTF? Sigh, I thought I was going to write in a scene that allowed me to at least muss the Doctor's hair, but I couldn't figure out how to do it. Oh well.
JACKIE. BUT YOU CAN'T, ROSE, YOU ARE MY ONLY DAUGHTER!
ROSE. MUM, I'VE HAD NINETEEN YEARS—THAT'S QUITE ENOUGH!
JACKIE. ROSE, HOW COULD YOU—
ROSE. YEAH, MUM, WELL, THAT'S JUST TOUGH—
I FAVOR FAN FICTION THAT IS FLUFF.
PETE grabs JACKIE and takes her back with him and MICKEY. THE DOCTOR opens the void, sucking all the DALEKS and CYBERMEN away. ROSE gets sucked in, too.
THE DOCTOR. KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAN! I mean . . . ROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSSSSSSE!
Back on the beach.
ROSE. This is how I died. I cried so much my eyes swelled shut.
Song. WISHING YOU WERE SOMEHOW HERE AGAIN (Hart/Stilgoe/Webber)
ROSE. I WAS ONCE YOUR ONE COMPANION,
YOU WERE ALL THAT MATTERED.
WE SAVED THE WORLD SIX BILLION TIMES—
THEN MY WORLD WAS SHATTERED.
WISHING YOU WERE SOMEHOW HERE AGAIN,
WISHING YOU WERE SOMEHOW NEAR.
DREAMING OF YOU WON'T HELP ME TO DO
ALL THAT YOU DREAMED I COULD
THEN THE RIFT OPENED UP IN NORWAY
WE DROVE UP TO BAD WOLF BAY.
IN MONTHS I HAVEN'T STOPPED CRYING.
AND NOW I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY.
There are five of us now. I could have said, "guess what, Mum's having a baby," but I didn't, because that wouldn't give you the opportunity to think I'd had one, with Mickey. Thus giving the viewers the opportunity to think I'd had one, with you.
THE DOCTOR. My head hurts, trying to wrap around that one. Well, back in my universe you're officially one of the dead.
ROSE. How very existential.
THE DOCTOR. And leaves you open to sign for a movie deal in the distant future.
ROSE. Doctor, I love you!
THE DOCTOR. Duhhrrr . . . .
He disappears.
ROSE. NO MORE WANDERING,
IV'E SETTLED DOWN WITH KIN.
NO MORE THINKING ABOUT
WHAT COULD HAVE BEEN . . .
HELP ME SAY GOODBYE . . .
HELP ME SAY GOODBYE!
Song. MASQUERADE (Hart/Stilgoe/Webber)
In THE TARDIS.
THE DOCTOR. IT WAS FUN,
WHILE IT LASTED IT WAS FUN.
NOW IT'S DONE,
I'LL HIDE AWAY SO THE WORLD WILL NEVER—
WHAT?!
THE BRIDE appears.
THE BRIDE. 'Ooo the hell are you?
THE DOCTOR. What?!!
EVERYONE. Damn, that was a good ending.
THE DOCTOR. NOW AND THEN, WE BAWL A BIT IN THIS SHOW—
IT'S OVER NOW, THE SAGA THAT WAS ROSE!
Curtain call. Orchestra plays exit music. Buy a souvenir program on the way out.