No long introduction this time because I'll leave a few words at the end of this chapter! :-)
It was late Sunday afternoon and my parents and I had just had dinner when my mother had to give into her curiosity and she asked me what had been going on with me in the past few weeks.
At first I wanted to tell her to mind her own business, because I didn't feel like talking to her about everything. But then I realized that she only wanted to help and I had to admit that my whole situation was already as bad as possible so I decided that it wouldn't hurt to tell her about it. Maybe not the whole story but bits and pieces.
I sighed and asked her to sit down at the table again. I could see that she was relieved that I finally let her in on what was going on. She didn't say anything after she said down but only mustered me with a worried as well as curious look.
"Ok, so… I don't exactly know where to start but I think it all started when I realized that I had… you know… feelings for someone."
She nodded slightly as if to signalise that she was listening and comprehending.
"It doesn't matter who it is… it just hit me suddenly. And I was afraid to tell him because I thought that he didn't feel the same, which he didn't because then he got a girlfriend and at first I was really pissed off but then his best friend told me that he had been in love with me before he got together with his girlfriend but that he had obviously moved on. Then I tried to remain friends with him but it didn't work out and he's totally mad at me now. And now he broke up with his girlfriend… And I don't know what to think or do."
My mother didn't say anything for a few minutes as if she was trying to understand everything I had told her. I was pretty sure that she knew who I was talking about but luckily she didn't say anything and acted like she had no clue who this story had been about.
"Ashley, sweetheart. I realize that you got yourself and… him in a weird situation. And I can totally understand that it is terrifying to tell someone when you have developed feelings other than friendship for someone but sometimes you just have to take your courage in both hands and tell them upfront what you're feeling. He was probably in the same situation. You said that he used to have feelings for you and then he had to make a decision: Tell you or get over you. He decided on the second alternative. And now you have to make the same decision. You can go on like this, hide in your room and try to avoid him and everyone else until your feelings for him will vanish. Or you can go tell him, clear things up and maybe you guys can figure something out together."
She smiled at me encouragingly and I hated to admit it, but she was totally right about everything. Right now I really regretted not talking to her about it earlier because she could be annoying as hell but she only wanted what was best for me.
"You're right mum… but I don't want to lose him as a friend, you know? And if I tell him about my feelings, he will feel awkward and act weird when I'm around."
I couldn't stop my voice from sounding like I was about to cry, because that was exactly what I wanted to do. Everything that had happened in the past months was coming back to me now and it felt like it was all collapsing on top of me.
"But your situation right now isn't any better, right? Didn't you say that he was mad at you? I can't tell you what to do and what is right or wrong. But sitting around and ignoring your feelings and acting like they don't exist has brought you nowhere so far. Maybe it's time to try something else."
It hurt me to realize how right she was. A part of me had wanted her to tell me that I should go on like I did until now and that it would all turn out fine in the end. But she was my mother and she had to be honest with me.
"You should think about, Ashley. And no matter what happens, remember that your dad and I are always here for you."
She engulfed me into a short hug and then went back to give her attention to cleaning the dishes from dinner.
I sat there for another few minutes and thought about my options. I knew that no matter how I'd decide, TJ and I's friendship would never go back to normal and accepting this fact was really hard. Yet I knew that there was no other way out and I got up and went to my room where I changed and then – finally – turned on my phone.
For some seconds it kept buzzing because of all the messages from Gretchen and Vince but I just ignored them all and dialled TJ's number. It didn't surprise me when he didn't pick up, but I had secretly hoped he would. Now I had to go over and talk to him in person.
I hadn't thought about what exactly I wanted to tell him, but I hoped that I would get some inspiration on the short walk over to his house. When I approached TJ's house, I could see that there were already two people standing on his front porch. To my surprise I recognized that it was Vince and Gretchen.
When they saw me, they both started screaming my name and waving like crazy, as if they wanted to get my attention. Maybe I should've called them first…
"There you are! Why didn't you answer our calls or any of our thousand messages? We need to tell you something!", Gretchen exclaimed when I had finally joined her and Vince on the front porch. I looked over to Vince and he was just nodding furiously next to Gretchen.
But before either of them could've said anything, the door opened and TJ was standing in the doorway, having both confusion and irritation on his face.
"Did you really have to ring the doorbell like 50 times? What's going on here anyway?"
He looked at me for a really short moment, so short that I actually thought I had only imagined it.
"We need to talk to you." – "Yeah and to Spinelli too!", Vince and Gretchen said.
"Well I'm not in the mood to talk to either of you so why don't we postpone this to… I don't know… never?"
I started to feel really uncomfortable. All of my former courage had disappeared and I actually wanted to run back to my house and ignore that any of this ever happened.
"No we can't, we really need to tell you something.", Gretchen didn't seem like she would let herself be dismissed so easily. I was getting curious about what was going on with her and Vince, but I decided that talking to TJ was my priority and that the two of them could wait.
"I know you probably don't want to talk to me either, but I got something that we need to talk about TJ and I think that you should hear me out, at least a last time."
My voice was nothing more than a whisper but TJ had obviously heard me because he now looked at me. He was probably pondering if he should rather let me or the two crazy ones in. Fortunately he realized that what I had to tell him was way more important than what they had to tell him and he eventually nodded.
"No but you guys have to let us tell you something first.", Vince interrupted. Both TJ and I ignored them and I stepped into the house. I could hear Gretchen groan loudly before TJ closed the front door.
Suddenly my head was empty and I didn't know what I was doing here. TJ had already gone back into the living room and I could feel my feet move in the same direction.
I wished that he had sat down because I really wanted to sit down too because I wasn't sure how much longer my legs would carry me.
But instead he was standing in the middle of the room, arms crossed and his look indefinable for me.
"What did you have to tell me that is so important?"
I really didn't know. The silence in my head had made way for thousand of thoughts that were now running through it. I just stood there and stared at TJ as if he knew the answer to the question himself.
After a while TJ seemed to realize that I would say anything and he just let out an amused laugh.
"So, you just came here to say nothing at all? Are you kidding me? You know what? If this is just another one of your silly games you can just leave right away because I'm done with that once and for all. I don't have to waste my time with you anymore; you showed me that it's not worth it."
His words hit me hard and they also brought back some of my sanity. I had expected him to be mad at me, but the way he was talking to me it seemed like he loathed my very being. I couldn't believe that it was so easy for him to hate me, when we had been friends for so long. Now I was starting to get mad as well.
"Do you even hear what you're saying? Last week you got mad at me for telling you that you've changed but if you could listen to yourself right now, you would agree with me."
TJ just rolled his eyes, but I could also see that he didn't expect for me to fight back. He probably had hoped that he would get this over with as fast as possible. But I wouldn't just let him treat me like that.
"I used to be your best friend. And then suddenly you change, you put Ashley A before our friendship and you didn't even care how I felt. It seemed like you didn't need me in your life anymore and that really hurt, TJ."
In the beginning my voice had been loud and steady until it got shakier towards the end. I had been trying not to show him how much all of this was affecting me but I couldn't hold it in any longer. I could feel tears forming in my eyes and this time I really didn't care if they would flow.
But apparently TJ was also not going to let things go easily this time. He got even more enraged my previous words.
"You are trying to tell me about being hurt? Do you know how much it hurt to realize that my best friend couldn't be happy for me? Did you even care how much it hurt me when you went crawling back to Lawson after I had gotten in so much trouble for trying to keep him away from you? I did everything for you. I would've given you anything you could've possibly asked for and you just took all of it for granted."
I wanted to respond immediately, but was interrupted when I heard loud knocking on the window behind me. At first I thought I had imagined it, but TJ was also staring in the direction and so I turned around and saw Vince and Gretchen standing in front of the living room window, both waving and obviously trying to tell us something.
"Seriously?", TJ mumbled and we both just kept on watching them. Suddenly Vince put up his phone and pointed at it and then at TJ. He put his phone to his ear and a few moments later I could hear something vibrating.
TJ got his phone out and stared at the screen, which read 'Vince'. I wanted to laugh because our friends were behaving so ridiculous but suddenly I felt like what they wanted to tell us couldn't wait any longer.
"You should answer, I don't think they will give up easily.", I said and TJ nodded in agreement, before taking the call.
"Ok Vince what is your problem? I'm kinda busy right now if you haven't-" he seemed to be interrupted by Vince who was talking on the other end of the line. I couldn't understand what he said but he seemed to be really excited about something.
The look on TJ's face started to change. At first there was only irritation, then it went to confusion and then in the end it was something between confusion and… happiness? There was actually a small smile forming on his lips.
"She is?", he asked and it was the first thing he said ever since he picked up the call.
I couldn't hear Vince's reply, but TJ was still smiling when he finally hung up. When I just wanted to ask him what had just happened, I could feel my own phone buzzing in my pocket.
I got it out and to no one's surprise it said "Gretchen calling".
"You should take it.", TJ said and for a moment I hesitated but then I pressed the phone to my ear and took the call.
"What's going on?", I asked, not sure if I actually wanted to know the answer.
"I'm so sorry for interrupting you guys, but it looked like you started to fight again and I can't let that happen anymore. If you would've just called me I could've explained this to you earlier but you didn't, but you have to listen to me now." – "Get to the point, Gretchen."
"Yeah, sorry. So do you remember when Vince told you that TJ used to have feelings for you? And on Friday in school when TJ had left, Vince and I started talking and I said something like "All of this hadn't happened if Spinelli would just be honest with him" and then Vince and I left and we talked and then I told Vince that you are in love with TJ. Please don't kill me yet, let me at least finish this story. Vince was really confused and then he started to laugh and then I was confused because I didn't think it was funny. But then he told me that there was something that we both didn't know and which he hadn't known either until that very day. He had talked to TJ before and he had tried to convince him that the two of you should sort your shit out and all… and then TJ admitted that he was still in love with you and that getting together with Ashley A had only been some sort of distraction and also the act of trying to make you jealous… which worked but he couldn't know because you never told him how you feel. And I only wanted to let you know that before you and TJ totally ruin your friendship. He loves you and you love him and now you guys can finally talk about all of this."
I didn't know what to say. I just ended the call and put my phone back, while I was staring at TJ, who was still smiling at me.
Suddenly I realized what Gretchen had just told me and before I could feel any other emotion, I got really really mad and I had to let it out. I walked towards TJ and before he could do anything to protect himself, I started to hit him with my fists in every spot of his body that I could possibly reach.
It took him a few seconds to get a hold of my wrists and stop me from hitting him any more. He looked at me in shock, but also in amusement. I couldn't believe that he was having fun right now. I was furious. How could he do anything like that to me?
"YOU ARE SUCH AN ASSHOLE TJ DETWEILER!", I screamed and tried to wrest my arms from his grasp.
"How could you do this! Really, Ashley A? You used her as a distraction and to make me jeaslous, are you fucking kidding me? What were you thinking? Nothing probably because this is the most stupid thing I've ever heard a human being doing. And I thought we were friends, I thought we didn't lie to each other and you just went along with dating Ashley and not telling me what you felt?"
To say that I was angry would be an understatement. I wanted to keep hitting him until he realized how stupid he had been. But of course he didn't let me, because he was still holding me by my wrists and he was much stronger than I was.
"Excuse me? If I got the story right, I think you weren't very honest with me either. And really, Lawson? You used him to get me mad at you? Very mature of you."
I couldn't believe that he was now blaming me. I started to struggle again but TJ's grasp got only stronger.
"That was different! I was feeling horrible because I thought I'd never have a chance with you and I wanted you to hate me because you were so happy with Ashley and I couldn't stand seeing you guys together. You lied to me all this time! When you said you loved her do you even realize how much it broke my fucking heart? You made my past few weeks unbearable and you only did it because you were too fucking scared to tell me what you actually felt for me. I really thought we were best friends and then you came along and –"
Suddenly my rant was interrupted, when I felt a pair of lips silencing mine. When I realized what was going on, I started to feel dizzy and since TJ had let go of my hands I wrapped my arms around his neck in order to hold on to him, because I wasn't sure if my legs were able to keep me standing any longer. I could feel myself closing my eyes and I sighed lightly before I finally returned the kiss and tried to pull his body closer to mine.
I couldn't help but smile under the kiss, because after everything we had been trough, this really felt like a new beginning. Finally there was nothing standing between us anymore and I meant that in a psychological way as well as in a physiological way.
When we finally broke apart we were both breathing heavily and I almost expected to wake up in my bed and realize that it was only just a dream. But when I looked up, TJ was still standing there and his smile told me that he was just as happy and relieved as I was.
"You're still an asshole.", I mumbled before I kissed him again, but before we could've actually started to enjoy it, we were once more interrupted by knocking on the window.
We broke apart again and I turned slightly around to see Vince and Gretchen doing some sort of happy-dance in front of the window and showing thumbs up every now and then.
TJ and I both laughed and I turned back to him and when I suggested that we let them in, he just shook his head now, walked over to the window and let down the blinds. I couldn't help but grin widely when I saw Gretchen and Vince trying to protest outside, but TJ just ignored them.
"I think we got better things to do.", TJ just said when he came back to me. And I raised myself onto my tiptoes, pressed a kiss onto his lips and I knew that I didn't have to say anything else, to let him know that I fully agreed with him.
Of course Gretchen and Vince were really pissed when we finally called them but they were also happy for us and they had soon forgotten that we had shut them out. TJ and I had talked very long and it was clear that we were both really glad that all of this secret-keeping was finally over. We both knew that this was the start of something really great and I knew for sure that I wouldn't let anyone or anything come between us.
To mention that there were of course things or people getting between us in the future was unnecessary but that was another story, one which was yet to be told. And for now TJ and I tried to enjoy every moment that we could spend together, despite of every obstacle that would be put in our way.
So, I really hope you guys liked this chapter and this whole fanfiction because it's over for now. I'm not really content with the ending because I've never been really good with ending stories and it felt kinda rushed. Still hope you guys leave one last review! :-) Thank you guys so much for all the nice reviews that you left until now. I felt really supported by you guys and you made writing this story an even greater experience for me!
I think you guys all realized that towards the end of this chapter I kind of implied that there might be happening more in the future for TJ and Spinelli. That might mean this fanfiction will get a sequel. I thought a lot about it in the past few days and I'm kinda fond of the idea of continuing this story. Maybe you guys can help me make that decision? Would you be interested in seeing how their relationship unfolds and what problems they might have to face? I'd love to hear your guy's opinions :-)