AN: I still do not own these characters. There seem to be a few people still interested in this story, so I guess I will continue for awhile. Thanks for the reviews, those few of you who take to time to actually let me know what you think of the story, it helps to let me know that someone will read this if it is continued.
Journal Entry Seven – Still Confused 1958
No matter what anyone else might say, it is not easy to approach someone who you suspect you're falling in love with and telling her how you feel especially when you believe that person wants nothing more to do with you. It becomes even harder when you realize this person is the most perfect and beautiful woman you have ever met, and if it is even possible, you would literally feel like you were walking on air if she reciprocated your feelings even minimally, but I feared there was no way Bella could even slightly return any feelings but loathing and dread because of what I was. Walking up to the room in which I knew she was weeping profusely was the hardest thing I ever had to face in my unnaturally extended existence.
Once outside the bedroom door, I knocked lightly and asked, "Bella, may I come in?"
I heard her soft sobbed reply, "Yes."
I entered the room slowly unsure of what I should say. If Alice was correct, then I was the cause of the tears Bella was shedding and I had no idea how I had caused them or what I could do to stop them. I also noticed a slight heightening of her scent so I knew she was also blushing. As I approached the bed, her heart began to race more than usual, which caused me to stop where I was because I didn't want to scare Bella any more than she was already.
"May I speak to you a moment?" I asked from my position in the middle of the room.
"Would you like to sit down? You don't have stand, unless you're more comfortable that way," she replied as she sat up.
I laughed slightly at the thought that standing for me wouldn't be any less comfortable than sitting, but I saw a chair near the bed, so I walked over to it and sat down.
"I want to apologize," I began, "for upsetting you earlier. I never meant to say anything that would upset you. When we were in the closet . . ."
"No," she interrupted, "please, what happened wasn't your fault. It was mine." She pulled her knees up, wrapped her arms around her legs, and laid her chin on top of her bent knees.
"No, I assure you the fault was all mine. Alice told me that I upset you by what I said." I really wanted to apologize, but it was as if Bella was determined to take all the blame.
"Edward," she voice seemed breathless, but as my name rolled off her lips, it sounded so perfect, "I know why you have been avoiding me and I want . . . no, I need to let you know I understand and I will make it easier for you in the future."
"I don't . . ." I began but she held up a hand to stop me and then wrapped it around her knees again.
"Please, Edward, let me finish. This is going to be hard enough without being interrupted." Her voice was extremely low, and I could hear the tension and pain behind her words.
I decides to let her talk while I just listened and I hoped it would answer some of question that plagued me.
"Alice told me about your ability. I know that you can hear what everyone thinks. I have really tried to keep my thoughts to myself, but I know I have failed. That is why you have been avoiding me; they disgust you but I can't help the way I feel. Alice and Emmett keep telling me to wait, that things will change, but I'm positive now that nothing will change. What you said is proof of what I have been feeling, what I have tried to tell them but they won't listen. I'm going to make it easier for you and you won't have to worry about me being around so much. From now on, I'll keep my distance so you won't have to run off. I've even decided to break off my friendship with your sister and brothers," her voiced hitched in a small sob as she spoke, "I won't . . . come over . . . anymore . . . that will make it . . . even easier . . ." her speech was quickly breaking up as she was trying to hold back the sobs I knew where building. She finally buried her face in her knees and I could smell the tears she had been trying to hold back.
I reached out and laid my hand on her arm but withdrew it quickly as I felt her flinch at my touch. This wasn't going well for me; she was rejecting me before I could even tell her how I felt. In fact, she was even rejecting my family because of me.
"Bella," I said softly, "Do you dislike me so much that you would hurt Alice's feelings by staying away from her." I knew Bella's rejection would hurt Alice the most. Alice did not take friendship lightly.
"Edward," she said through her sobs, "you know I don't dislike you. You know . . . exactly how . . . I feel . . . that's why you said . . . you . . . said . . ." but she could not get past that as she broke down in deep sobs and her tears increased.
"I think there is some misunderstanding, Bella." I had to restrain myself from reaching out to touch her. For some reason all I wanted to do was wrap my arms around her and hold her as close as possible without hurting her. What I couldn't understand was how she came up with the idea that I disliked her. In a desperate attempt to make sense of what she meant, I asked, "Why would you think I dislike you?"
I could still smell her tears, but the deep sobs slowed as she said, "You stopped coming to my room; you leave every time I enter the room, and even though you've heard my thoughts, you've never responded to them accept for that moment in the closet and then you regretted that afterwards."
This time I did reach out and touch her arm without breaking the contact. I needed her to understand why I stopped visiting her room. "Bella, it isn't right for me to take your blood; I could hurt you in the process without meaning to so I've made myself stop. I've been avoiding you because your scent pulls on my thirst so I've tried to do what was possible so I wouldn't be tempted. As to your thoughts," was it possible they hadn't told her, "Bella, your thoughts belong to you."
"It's okay Edward, as I said; Alice explained it all to me. I understand and I don't blame you; you can't help overhearing, but I'm sorry they have offended you so."
I notice she was not pulling away from my touch, so that encouraged me some, but her comment confused me. "Bella, Alice told you I can hear what people are thinking, but didn't she tell you that it's different with you?"
"Different?" She asked.
"Yes, for some reason I can't hear anything that you are thinking. Bella, I have never meet anyone whose mind I couldn't hear until I met you. There is something different about you, and whatever it is, it keeps me from hearing anything you might be thinking." I heard a sharp intake of breath and watched as Bella lifted her head and looked toward me. In this light, I wasn't sure if she could see me, so I moved to sit next to her on the bed hoping not to upset her by being so close. I then reached out, unclasped her hands and took them into mine, at the same time she moved into a sitting position with her legs hanging off the end of the bed but her upper body turned toward me. "Bella, I've never been able to hear your thoughts," I said softly.
Again, she drew a deep breath as she looked into my eyes and asked, "Never?" To which I just nodded my head. "Why?" She asked.
I smiled slightly as I replied, "I don't know why, just that even if I try to focus on hearing you I can't."
"But Alice and Emmett said . . ." she began but abruptly stopped.
"They said what, Bella?" It was frustrating to know she was thinking something but holding it back.
"Why didn't they tell me?" She asked probing me with her look.
"I don't know. What have they been telling you Bella?" I squeezed her hands just slightly trying to encourage her to share her thoughts with me.
"It doesn't matter," she pulled her hands free, turned from me as she pulled up her knees again and wrapped her arms once again them. I recognized it as a gesture of shutting me out, and I felt a sharp pang in my chest. "It doesn't change anything," she concluded.
"Why Bella, what doesn't it change?" Was there more she wasn't telling me, and she still hadn't told me what Emmett and Alice had been telling her.
"It's okay Edward, I understand. I'll go home in the morning and you won't have to tolerate my presence anymore expect the occasional times we might pass each other in the hallway; I promise that I'll keep my distance as much as possible." Her voice was tight, as if she has trying hard to keep it under control.
"You don't want to see me anymore?" I felt as if someone had squeezed all the air out of my lungs, and the strange ache in my chest increased.
"It'll make it easier for you," she whispered.
"What about Alice, Jasper, and Emmett; don't you want them as friends anymore?" I never wanted this from her; I wanted to see her even more now than ever before, but if she didn't want me around her, then I would have to accept that. It would deeply hurt to lose her, but it was her choice; however, that didn't mean she had to stop being friends with my brothers and sister.
She must have been trying hard not to cry, but a soft sob escaped as she replied, "I really like them, but I'll do whatever will make this easier for you."
More than anything I wanted to tell her that taking her in my arms and kissing her again would make it easy for me; having her tell me that she loves me would make everything much easier for me and being with her forever would make it easier for me. This is what I wanted to tell her, but I felt she was pulling away from me – more than likely because of what I was.
I was finding rejection harder to understand and accept than the new feelings I'd had earlier. One thing that was becoming clearer to me was that I loved her; in fact, I was beginning to believe that I loved her more than I imagined I would ever be capable of loving anyone. I recalled the kiss we had shared and couldn't understand how she could have kissed me like that if she felt nothing for me. "Bella, the kiss, did it mean nothing to you?"
"I pushed you into it, and that wasn't right. I should never have . . . well it doesn't matter. Let's just say I learned an important lesson tonight," and she let out a heavy sigh that only intensified her heavenly aroma.
Her words and her heightened scent left me confused, and I was finding it more frustrating than ever that I couldn't just hear what she was thinking. I wasn't use to this; in the past, I knew ahead of time what people were going to say before they said it because they thought it through in their mind first, but not Bella, I had no idea of what she was thinking or feeling.
Once again, it frustrated me not knowing what she was leaving unsaid, so I asked, "And just what lesson was that?"
She took a deep breath before she replied, "Well, let's just say I've learned not to believe what everyone else is telling me."
I figured she was referring to the fact that no one bothered to tell her that I couldn't hear her thoughts, but I wasn't sure how that related to the kiss in the closet. It was also making no sense as to why she thought I disliked her if I could have been hearing her thoughts. It made me begin to wonder just what kind of thoughts she believed I had heard. Had she been regretting ever agreeing to go with me on that first day? Maybe she regretted becoming embroiled with a family of vampires and she had been thinking of how to extract herself from us.
I attempted to reach out to touch her again but this time she pulled away from me. Maybe contact with me offended her as much as the kiss must have even though she had responded to it.
I pulled my hand back quickly. "I'm sorry Bella. I'll try not to upset you anymore; I just want to understand. It was wrong of Alice not to explain about my ability and how it didn't work the same with you, but please don't be upset with her for not telling you."
"I'm not upset with her. She must have had a reason even though I don't know what it was." Bella tilted her head slightly and the sliver of light coming through the crack in the partially opened door shone upon her countenance. She was staring straight ahead deep in thought. "Maybe she hoped I would say or do something that would . . ." Again she broke off without finishing what she was going to say. She left so much unsaid. Did she think she would say something that might upset me?
As I stared at her, the light caused her face to shine. I felt as if I was looking into the face of an angel and all I desired was to take her angelic face between my two alabaster hands, pull it toward me, and lock my lips onto hers. I wanted to experience the ecstasy of her heightened aroma as we kissed, the heat of her glowing cheeks, and the sweet taste of her flushed lips. As those thoughts fueled my desire I leaned toward her, "Bella," I whispered as I blew my breath into her face, "What thoughts were you afraid I heard that you believed made me dislike you?"
Her only response was to sigh heavily.
"Bella," I leaned closer to her, "I really cannot hear your thoughts. If you don't tell me what is going through your mind, I'll never be able to figure out what has you so upset. I really never meant to do anything to upset you, really I didn't," I assured her hoping she might finally open up to me.
I heard her heart thump faster as she finally looked up at me. There was such sadness in her eyes, but I didn't know what to do to make it go away. I tried to wait patiently for her to speak, but patience was not one of my strengths. Once again, I realized how much easier this would have been if I could have just heard what she was thinking. Finally, I reached over and laid my hand on her arm. "Bella, I won't hurt you or get upset with you. I just want to know what you're thinking and feeling at this very moment."
"You might become very upset with me because of what I've been thinking. In fact, it might even offend you. I know you have been avoiding me, and I thought you were staying away from me because you could hear my thoughts, but even without hearing my thoughts, maybe the reason you have been avoiding me is still the same."
"I can't agree or disagree until you tell me why you think I have been avoiding you." I kept a hold of her arm enjoying the physical contact and the heat that was radiating off her skin. With just a hint of encouragement, I would gladly wrap both of my frigid rock-hard but loving arms around her small lusciously warm delicate frame.
"You'll just get upset with me, and I don't want you to hate me," she murmured softly as she tried to avoid my eyes.
I could smell the renewed salty build up of tears and more than anything, I didn't want to be the cause of her crying yet again. "I promise not to get upset, and I doubt if I will hate you no matter what you say."
"You were upset in the closet though."
"No, Bella, I wasn't upset. Why would you think that?"
"Because of what you said," she replied with a slight sob and I knew the tears were not far behind.
Maybe Alice was right, maybe Bella misunderstood what I had said, but there was only one way I would find out the truth because I finally accepted the fact that Bella did not intend to reveal her thoughts to me at that time. I placed my finger under her chin and gently lifted it so I could look into her eyes as I quietly explained, "Bella, I was only trying to apologize for hurting you."
"You didn't hurt me. Why would you think that?" This time she looked deeper into my eyes as if she were trying to find a truth that I might be hiding from her.
"Sometimes, Bella, I don't know my own strength, and if I'm not fully aware of what I am doing, I can unintentionally harm any human. I forgot myself in the closet when I held you and I was afraid I might have held you too tightly and hurt you."
"You didn't regret kissing me?" A larger sob escaped her lips this time.
"No Bella, I didn't regret that," with a slight smile I added, "I'll never regret that. All I regret is that I might have squeezed you too tightly. The last thing I would ever want to do is to take you to Carlisle and try to explain why I had bruised or broken your ribs." I chuckled slightly at the image of me trying to explain to Carlisle how I had been 'carried away' by a simple kiss without telling him that the kiss had possibly altered my entire world.
"Was kissing me funny?" This time instead of a sob, there was a touch of pain behind her words.
"No, it wasn't but envisioning myself attempting to explain to Carlisle how and why I had hurt you without embarrassing myself and maybe you at the same time, that was what made me laugh. I could just see the look of surprise on his face when he found out I had actually kissed a girl."
"It wasn't the first time for you, I'm sure." There seemed to be a bit of sarcasm behind her words as a frown formed on her lips.
"Yes it was. Do you think I'm in the habit of kissing every girl I meet?" I didn't mean to sound harsh, but to my ears, the words seemed to have a bite to them. I had to make sure she knew I wasn't upset with what she had said. "Whether you believe this or not, you are the first girl I have ever kissed. I never felt a desire to kiss anyone before now."
"Really?" I could hear the skepticism in her voice.
I took a deep breath as I decided I would be more than honest with Bella, I would be honest and above board with my actions. "I am not like Emmett and Jasper. I have never found anyone that I ever had the slightest inclination to kiss, and I definitely don't kiss girls just because of some game. I guess you could say this is the first real kiss I have ever shared with anybody. I have kissed Esme and my sisters on the cheek before, but that was just kissing family nothing else."
"Oh," was all she managed to say as she gazed more deeply into my eyes.
I'm not sure why, but I found myself grabbing both her arms as I turned her body to face me, and still holding her arms so she could not turn away, I said, "Bella, I've never felt like this before. That kiss in the closet was amazing. In fact, I think I still want to," and with that I pulled her into an embrace and kissed her again.
Just before I released her, I heard her whimper slightly. I felt abdominal for treating her in such a cavalier manner, and then I wondered if I might have unintentionally hurt her yet again.
Once again, I found myself apologizing, "I'm sorry Bella; that was wrong of me and I didn't mean to hurt you. I would never do anything to intentionally hurt you."
"You didn't hurt me Edward," she replied as she drew back slightly.
I thought she was pulling away from me, so I released her, as I beseeched, "Please don't be upset with me."
I was surprised when she responded, "Why would I be upset?"
"Well, that was rather bold and forward of me. I never even considered if I would offend you by being so brash," I offered somewhat apologetically but wondered if just maybe she had enjoyed the kiss because I finally noticed that her eyes were somewhat glassed over and there was a hint of a smile on her lips.
"Edward, I've never considered you brash. If you kissed me because you wanted to, then I'm okay with that. I just don't understand why you would want to kiss me." The honesty and truth in her reply were evident not only in her voice but also in her eyes.
Her comment shocked me. Every boy in school wanted to kiss her, why would she think I would be different. "I'm not sure I understand Bella. Why shouldn't I want to kiss you?"
"Well just look at me!" she nearly yelled as she threw up her hands breaking my hold on her. Then she quickly lowered her arms and amended, "I take that back, don't look at me," and she quickly crossed her arms over her chest.
It suddenly dawned on me that I was sitting on the bed with Bella and all she was wearing were her pajamas; although, it wasn't the first time I had seen her in them. The difference was this time her blankets didn't hide most of her, and I was not sneaking in with my mind focused only on her blood.