Chapter 10: Eggnog

I hope you like this chapter! I'm releasing it a bit early this week because my schedule is a little bit crazy and I don't want to post a chapter too late. Next chapter should be posted possibly next Wednesday! (:

I thought I should also mention that I altered some of chapter 9 after receiving some feedback. Just for some context, my intention was to keep any lemons classy but I realize that it was terribly vague so I changed it hopefully for the better! This is my first fanfiction and I'm slowly becoming comfortable with the idea of posting content like this online as I don't use much social media. I apologize. Leave me some feedback about how you feel! I'm still learning so any comments help! Thank you! (:

Disclaimer: I do not own Inuyasha or any other characters. All characters are owned by the talented Rumiko Takahashi.

Four days had passed since the Inuyasha incident and I thought it was about time I talk to Sango about what had happened. I haven't really answered any calls since what had happened. Part of me felt like I lost a friend but also lost my soul mate. Inuyasha meant so much to me but I couldn't wait around for a man that loved another woman.

Sango had insisted that she come over and I didn't reject her request. I knew that if I didn't talk to her soon that she might get too worried and bust down my door anyways. I was nervous for this talk because I knew she would take my side no matter what but for once I wanted her to stay neutral. It was both Inuyasha and my fault.

*Knock knock*

I opened the door and saw that Miroku was with Sango. I wasn't even mad at this point because he had become important to me as well.

"Hey guys, come in." I went back to sitting on the couch.

They followed my example and came into the living room. Sango sat on the couch with me while Miroku took a seat on the floor facing us.

"I made a mistake. I don't regret what had happened but it shouldn't have happened."

"You can tell us," Sango grabbed my hand encouragingly.

"So it all started when I went to the party with Miroku…" I explained to them the situation that had happened after the dance in great detail. It felt good to get this off of my back. Explaining the lead up to our night was hard enough but I knew that I had to mention it all. Sango was my best friend and at this moment I needed someone to talk to. "We had sex and honestly I've never felt so connected to anyone before and I'm glad it was with him. But the next morning he asked me if he should go back to her and I said yes. So he left to see Kikyo because he felt like he should have fought for her. I don't even know if he just went to be with her or if it was to end things properly. I didn't give him time to figure it out, I was so disappointed that I nearly shoved him out the door." At this point I had tears forming in my eyes, I felt so betrayed.

"I'm so sorry. I know how you felt about the whole sex situation; you must really care about him?" Sango was hugging me at this point.

"I think I love him."

Miroku just looked at me with a sad look. Usually he was always so talkative but he looked sober. "If it means anything to you, he hasn't been the same since that day. Everyday he's been at work he's kept to himself. I couldn't figure out why but it all makes sense. What are you going to do now?"

"I think it would be best if I don't see him for some time, you know?"

"You take your time, okay? I just want you to be happy. I can't believe him! Why would he go back to see Kikyo? What the hell is his problem?!"

I didn't have the energy to defend him so I let Sango and Miroku fight about his stupidity. I just sat there idle as I wasn't in the mood to hear their back and forth.

"Guys, I want to throw a New Year party. Are you guys in?" I needed this.

"Are you sure?"

"Of course, I want to be surrounded by friends for the New Year. I think I could get into better spirits, please? You guys can invite friends too! The more the merrier!"

"Let's do it!" Miroku seemed excited which put Sango into a better mood.

After this we watched Netflix and just enjoyed each other's company. It felt good to have them around. By the end of the evening I had the guest list sorted out and sent out all of the emails. This party was going to be the bomb. If tomorrow wasn't Christmas Eve I would have went out to get all of the decorations however nearly everything would be closed.

Once they left I went to my bed. I didn't want to fall asleep because I knew what I would dream of. I didn't want to dream about him tonight, it hurt too much now. One night I dreamt about him sleeping beside me, another I dreamt about seeing him across a room and they all felt too real for comfort. The saddest part is that it's the best part of my day, dreaming about being with him, and that scares me to death.

I'm walking to my bench in my favorite park, it's no longer winter as the snow is gone, the park is warm and a warm breeze fills the air. The warmth is welcomed as I sit on my bench, close my eyes and soak in the sun.

"I'm glad you're here." His voice makes me feel at home.

"Me too." I didn't even open my eyes, his voice was so soothing.

"I wish things were different. I miss your voice. I miss the way you get embarrassed over the littlest things. I miss the way you ask stupid little questions to fill in the silence I bring with me. I miss the way you smile at me, the goofy smile. I miss you."

I think I know that this is a dream. Surprised by his words, my eyes fly open and I look at him curiously. It's so bizarre, Inuyasha isn't open about his feeling, well at least not this open. His golden eyes looked right back at me and my heart skipped a beat. His eyes will be the death of me. I choose to ignore him and watch the families play with each other in the park. Two little kids play tag while the parents chat and occasionally call to their children.

"Why aren't you talking to me?" He moved my face to look at his again.

"I'm the only one getting hurt here. You can't do this, it's not fair."

He moved closer to my lips and I closed my eyes. I want to kiss him but I shouldn't. I mean this is only a dream so maybe it won't hurt. Just then I felt his lips on mine, it was like the kiss he gave me when he left before going to see Kikyo.

I woke up and I felt sadder than usual. I really didn't have any plans for the day which meant no good distractions. Thinking of anything I could possibly do I realize I don't have food anywhere in the house. Would any grocery stores be open today? I dragged myself out of bed and decided to take a quick shower. Once I was ready and dressed I put on my coat and went out into the cold day.

Not many grocery stores were open except for the expensive ones. Well I can't starve so I might as well spend a few more dollars. I'm not going to make anything special for Christmas, it's just another day. I pick up a few things that I usually eat and grab a little treat for later in the day. While in the cupcake area, making what seems like the biggest decision of my life, I felt a tap on my shoulder.

"Hello, dear." I recognize that voice and when I turn I see Inuyasha's mother standing beside me.

"Oh, hi!" Don't panic, don't let her know you're a mess.

She came in to give me a hug as if I was her own. She definitely had a motherly feel about her. Though it felt nice I couldn't stop the voice in my head constantly reminding me that she was indeed the woman who gave birth to the man I love, who also happens to love someone else.

"What are you doing here? Don't you have anything fun to do today?" She always gets right to the point.

"I do not, so today I am spending the day with myself and my good friend Netflix."

"You could come by to my house? I'm holding a big dinner for the extended family this year; it should be a lot of fun." She must have seen my questioning gaze because she continued. "Oh dear, I'm not avoiding them! My husband ended up eating some of the food last night because he apparently doesn't know how to use his brain," she chuckled at her own joke, "so I had to run a few errands today."

"I would love too but I don't think it would be a good idea. You saw what happened at the party you held. I don't want to go through that again and besides Inuyasha and I haven't really spoken… since then."

"Well Kikyo won't be there… hasn't he told you?" She kind of hummed to herself, I mean I haven't exactly been answering his messages… "Inuyasha is hard to get too but I'm sure he'll come around. I don't want you to spend the night alone. Please consider it."

"I can't…" I hesitated, "It's complicated…" I felt sick to my stomach.

She grabbed my hand, "something happened? Okay, if you don't show up by 9pm I will send some food to you? I want your address and I don't care what you say."

Without fighting her I wrote down my address and she gave me another kiss before walking away. I chose my chocolate cupcake and went straight home after paying.

I hope she was lying when she said she was going to bring me food. I can take care of myself! I look into the mirror to see a pale faced looking woman. Maybe I just look like shit. Why am I so torn up about one guy! I feel foolish.

I need to stop feeling sorry for myself! I made a decision and I need to get over it! I decide that having company over will maybe help my mood. Finding a friend to invite would be challenging today as everyone will be with their families however someone comes to mind that I know will make time for me.

*Hey, are you busy? Care for a Christmas movie marathon? Maybe we can finally talk?*

*You know it! I'll be right over!*

Maybe this was a bad idea? I don't give myself much time to think about it as I prepare some snacks and otherwise keep myself busy by quickly cleaning up the place. I probably should have given myself more time to make sure the place was proper but I speed clean and it looks fabulous in no time.

*DING DONG*

I walk to the door and carefully open it. In the door way is Koga, looking well, with a huge smile on his face. I would have had to face him eventually but maybe I wasn't ready yet…

"Hey, Kags!" He walked into the place like he owned it and oddly it felt totally wrong now. Things have changed so quickly. I close the door and follow him all the while noticing that in his hand was a bottle of alcoholic eggnog. He marched to the kitchen where he poured us some eggnog in some fancy glasses. He picked them up and handed me one. "To good friendships and our sad Christmas festivities! I've missed you."

I couldn't help but laugh and clink our drink together. Koga was very nice for someone who had been ignored for quite some time. Maybe he was just very forgiving?

We eventually made our way to the living room to watch some cheerful movies. We didn't focus much on them however because I knew it was finally time to explain to Koga what had happened. He was very understanding and far too kind about the behaviour I had exhibited. I apologized a million times but he simply laughed.

"I understand, you weren't ready, I respect that. I'm just glad you want me back in your life, I'm sure you took a lot of time to figure what you wanted out." It was always really hard to be mad at him, he's such a great guy.

It was true that I was trying to figure myself out but I wasn't ready to tell him about Inuyasha so I just laughed and poured us more eggnog. We were almost done the bottle and I was definitely feeling a buzz.

"Besides, I want you to know that I'm not giving up on you. I know we're meant to be together." He grabbed my hands and held them all the while looking me intensely in the eyes.

OH SHIT, THIS IS NOT WHAT I WANTED. WHAT DO I DO? WHY?

*DING DONG*

OH GOD, NO. I TOTALLY FORGOT! Izayoi was supposed to stop by. THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING.

"Koga, I'll be right back. Help yourself to anything you want."

Taking a deep breathe I make it to the door. I'll just thank her quickly and tell her I'm not feeling well. Surely she has her party to get back too? Finally reaching the door I open it slowly.

OH, NOT TODAY.

I close the door rapidly and begin to pace in front of it. He can't come in here right now! I quickly open the door again and swiftly close it behind me. In front of me Inuyasha is leaning against the wall. I can't help but pace in the hallway from one wall to the other

"Stop pacing."

"What are you doing here?"

"My mom wanted me to bring you food, I told her it probably wasn't a good idea but she nearly kicked me out, so here." He lifts the bag as if to show me what he's talking about. "You smell like alcohol? Are you drinking by yourself? I leave you alone for a week and you go and do this? What is wrong with you?"

"I'm not."

"You're not drinking? Do you think I'm stupid?" He looks at me for what seems like a while, "wait, as in you're not alone?"

"You should go. I have the right to drink IF I WANT TO! I can hang out with a friend IF I WANT TO! You have no right to comment on how I cope! Thank your mother for me and…" I start to push him in the direction of the main complex door, "GET OUT."

What I didn't expect was his reaction, he grabbed my waist and stopped my pushing.

"I recognize that smell… How do I know that smell…"

I kind of feel embarrassed. I invited Koga over because I was lonely but my intention wasn't to lead him on but that backfired completely. "Uh, I don't know…"

Just as the words leave my mouth a drunken Koga opens the door. I happened to look at Inuyasha and his reaction was not what I expected. First he looked confused then he had a look of realization which then turned into a look of hurt and also a little furious, I really don't understand this man.

"Kags, are you almost done? The next movie is about to start. Who is this guy?" He doesn't sound too pleased.

"Uh, I ordered food! I'll be back in a second! Can you grab some plates?"

He kind of mumbled but made his way back in the apartment.

"You're back with Koga?!" He sounded furious but I could also hear a hint of sadness. My poor neighbors…

"He's my friend, I didn't want to be alone on Christmas." I sounded pathetic. "I can't do this right now. You should go back to the party and to Kikyo." As soon as I said Kikyo's name he looked at me with sadness in his eyes.

"I… We…" I just put out my hand as a way of stopping him. "I'm sorry." He handed me the bag of food and turned to leave. "Merry Christmas."

"Tell your mother I say thank you. She's a kind woman."

I walk into the apartment and put the food on the counter. Koga is on the couch taking up all the room. Back when I was with him, he would do this so that I would go cuddle with him but I wasn't interested in him like that anymore. I put some food on the plates and set them down on the coffee table. Avoiding sitting on the couch with Koga I sat on the floor and remained there throughout the movie.

"This was nice, Koga but I think it's time you go home. I can call a cab?"

"Kags, will you take me back?" He was definitely wasted but I knew I had to tell him now.

"Koga, I can't. I don't feel the same for you. I think it would be best if we remain friends."

He seemed to contemplate that sentence while I was on the phone with a cab driver. We both got up and made our way to the door.

"Thanks for coming, Koga. I really appreciate it! So all is forgiven? We can be friends?" I needed to clarify this.

"Of course we'll be friends. I'm being honest when I say that I respect what you decided! After all, we're still young! But I want you to know that I'll wait for you, I'll always wait for you." He quickly grabbed my hands into his and planted a soft kiss on my forehead. With that he turned and walked out of my apartment.

Well this wasn't what I wanted. Sure I wanted to be friends with Koga again, I felt bad for hurting him but I didn't want him to think we had a shot again. I quickly closed the door and took a moment to breathe. As soon as I could wrap my head around what had happened I slowly made my way to my bedroom. I feel a little sick but also very annoyed with how this all turned out. Koga clearly doesn't understand me when I say I want to be friends. When will he learn that what I want isn't what he always wants?

Once comfortably in my bed my phone decided to vibrate. I knew I shouldn't look at it but I did anyways because what else could possibly go wrong?

*Maybe you care for Koga again and if you do, I'll leave you alone but I'm asking you to choose me. Please, Kagome, choose me. - Inu*

How can I choose someone whose heart belongs to someone else? Why is he so frustrating? I decide not to answer, I don't have the mental ability to handle this situation. Putting my phone back in its place, I turn off all volume and go to bed only to dream of him another night.

Thanks for reading! (:

xoxo E.