I don't own it, Mrs. Meyer does and I envy her.
~o0o~
Laying my head on the cool tile of Rosalie's kitchen island, I think about how bad I thought I felt this morning. Then, I compare that to how I feel now and realize that I felt like a goddess this morning compared to now. After Jamie left the track and the girls managed to calm me down and get me in the car, they brought me back here and I've been in this kitchen for hours, running through my actions from the day.
So far? I've got nothing. I can't figure out why I didn't tell him I was engaged. Why I didn't tell him it was Edward. Why I can't get my shit together. There may have been an 'avoidance issue' phrase tossed around in the car on the way here, but I just don't have it in my to deal with that right now.
Raising my body up and leaning my head in my hands, my head pounds from the tension that bulges just behind my eyes. Alice and Rose went back to the track to finish up with the press and trial run, while I sit here and sort out the cluster-fuck that is my life.
I don't know where to go. I have no idea where to turn. I just want to lay my head in daddy's lap while he strokes my hair and tells me that everything will be okay. I miss him so much. He held me so many times since I left Montana and I my chest threatens to cave when I think too much about the fact that he isn't here now.
Grabbing the keys off the counter, I head out to the driveway and jump into Alice's Mini Cooper. I just need to drive; get away from here. I can remember all the drives I took after the accident. Edward didn't have a license anymore and I knew it was a sure-fire way to get away from him when it just got to hard at home.
Pulling onto the small highway, I didn't think I just drove. I made my way down the winding roads, and through the darkness of night. I found myself hugging the sharp curves while the quiet engine of the car lulled me into a peace that I hadn't felt in a while. A part of me wanted to go back to Alice's house and talk to Jamie. I wanted to beg him to listen to me and understand. Another part of me, a larger one, wanted to go home to Charleston and forget this week had ever happened. Of course, when I had that though, I remember that phrase from the car, 'avoidance issues.' Maybe Edward wasn't the only one that should see a therapist.
As I drove through the blanket of night, I found myself naturally gravitating toward 475 Anderson Ave. Pulling to a stop on the street in front of the charming Victorian, I killed the engine of the car and took a deep breath. It looked the same, but the new owners had obviously fixed the little imperfections that had existed before. The peeling white paint that I had left behind had now been replaced with a fresh coat of a warm grey. The front door had been painted red, just as I had always wanted, but never had gotten around to. It was beautiful, just as I had always imagined it would be.
I hope that the owners love it. I hope that they have children that play in the back yard, a little boy and two little girls. Maybe they have a dog that plays with them. I had always imagined a saint Bernard named Mossimo. A feel a familiar pang in my chest as I imagine all the hopes and dreams I once had for this place, and for myself.
As I see a familiar pair of headlights come up the street, I hunker down in the seat and thank God that Alice's car doesn't have any distinguishing characteristics –and I'm thankful for the tinted windows.
When Edward pulls into the drive, I can't help but admit that I part of my heart jumps at the thought that he might still live here. I never really considered that he might. The house was my choice. He had never really had a love for historical homes that I did, always preferring the new, modern houses with the huge entertainment rooms. I always assumed that once I left, the house would be sold and he would find some fancy condo to entertain a revolving door of bedmates. Of course, if, and that is a big if, he is telling the truth about his supposed celibacy, maybe I was wrong about this too.
As his truck pulls into the garage, I crank the car and head back toward Rosalie's before he gets a chance to see me. I've had enough confrontation for one day.
~o0o~
When I pull back into Rose's driveway, I see that the girls and their respective partners have returned. Shutting off Allie's car, I make my way inside and find everyone sitting at the dining table sharing a pizza.
"You hungry, Bellabee?"
Emmett is stuffing his face and I am surprised that I could even understand what he said considering the amount of pepperoni that is hanging out of his mouth.
"No, I'm okay." I make my way to the fridge and pull out a glass and some ice. I know Rose told me there was some Jack around here somewhere. As I start opening cabinets and pulling out drawers, I hear a thud as a new and up-opened bottle appears on the countertop, courtesy of Jasper.
Shooting him a quick smile, he nods his head in response.
"You want to come over here or you want to drink alone?"
Considering my options, I walk over to the table and have a seat; making sure to bring my best friend Jack with me, of course.
As I let the smooth liquid burn a trail down my throat, I throw my head back and take a breath.
"Have you talked to Jamie?" It's Alice this time and I'm actually surprised that she hasn't spoken until now. She isn't usually one to dance around topics. No filter, and all that.
"Nope," I say, popping the 'p'.
As everyone chews and lets the pregnant silence fall around us, I look to Jasper.
"How long do you think I should wait to talk to him?"
He seems to consider this a few moments and takes a breath.
"Well, it all depends really. You know him better than we do, how long does it take for him to cool off?"
Honestly? I have no idea. We have never had an argument. Not even a single disagreement. Everything has always been so easy. I have seen him irritated at some students a time or two and he always seemed to cool down pretty quickly after that.
I'm not even sure what I'm going to say to him, but I think it's probably getting time to face the music.
"Jasper and I are going to stay here tonight; you guys can have the house to yourselves to get this figured out." Alice says simply.
Throwing back another shot of liquid courage, Jasper agrees to drive me over and drop me off.
The car ride to their house is suffocating. I feel like my chest is going to cave in at any moment and I can't stop shaking my leg.
"Bella, stop," Jasper says without ever taking his eyes from the road.
"This is still Jamie. He is a good man and it's time that you guys get this all out there, you know?"
Yes, Jasper. I do know. I know that this amazing man deserves the truth. I know that he has waited too long for it. I know that no matter what, I won't hurt him. Well, anymore than I probably already have. I've lied to him, withheld the truth and what's the worst is that I have never even let him know me.
Thanking Jasper for the ride, I climb out of the car and watch the taillights disappear from the driveway.
As I stand there, blindly staring at the house for courage that I know will never come, I can't help but think of Edward. Yes, I know, that is incredibly stupid, but I can't help it.
Does he still really live in our house? Maybe he rents it out? Maybe he is friends with whoever bought it?
"You about ready to talk to me?" I hear his abrupt and sad voice call to me from the rocking chair on the side patio.
As I walk toward him, I notice the differences in his body language. His shoulders are slumped in defeat, his eyes are dark and tired and I can't help but itch to reach out and hug him.
"I mean really talk to be Bella. No more of this hiding bullshit. I deserve more than that."
Taking a deep breath, I sit down in the rocking chair beside him and take a few moments to compose myself.
He waits. Patiently. He always has.
Chewing on my lip, I decided it's easiest to start at the beginning.
"Have you ever noticed that Edward doesn't look like Carlisle or Esme?" I can't make eye contact with him. If I'm really going to tell this story, I need to slip the cool mask of indifference over my heart and pray for strength.
"I guess I noticed that he has red hair and they don't, but other than that...not really."
The corner of my mouth lifts involuntarily. Edward would be so pissed to hear someone say he has red hair. He's maintained for years that he isn't a ginger. I'm sure he is probably the only man in the world that uses the word 'auburn' to describe his hair. I've seen the pictures from his childhood. While it has gotten darker as he has aged...he was a ginger as a kid. Totally.
"Esme and Carlisle tried for years to get pregnant but they couldn't. They never found out which of them had the issue, they always said they didn't want it to come between them. They tried to adopt, but it always fell through."
I start to rock the chair back and forth in a futile attempt to calm my nerves.
"Edward is from a little coastal New England town. It's so beautiful there, like a Norman Rockwell card."
I smile and remember the trip we took there during the summer that Edward got his sponsorship.
"The little town doesn't deliver babies, but one summer night, a woman came in, completely dilated. Carlisle had no choice but to deliver her."
Elizabeth Masen: a woman that I hate and love all at the same time.
"Apparently she had been involved with a married man and when she told him she was pregnant, he refused to have anything to do with her or the baby. She wanted to give it up for adoption."
Jamie listens intently and never says a word, but I know that he can tell where this part of the story is headed.
"You should hear Esme tell the story." I laugh at the memory.
"Carlisle called home and told her that a woman was about to deliver a baby and had asked him to adopt it."
I never really understood that part. I mean, Carlisle was a complete stranger and she just asked him to take her baby? I guess if you were already planning to give it up, then essentially she was already prepared to do just that, but for me, it's hard to conceive the thought.
"She told him she was on her way to the hospital to get her son. Can you imagine?"
I smile at Jamie, finally making eye contact and he gives a weak smile in return.
"Anyway, there was a clotting issue and after Carlisle delivered Edward..." I stop and think about the implications of Edward's mother's death and all the pain it would cause in the man's life.
"She died before Edward was even an hour old. "Baby Masen" got some expedited paper work, no doubt thanks to the adoption process that had been underway for so long and probably a sizeable amount of money from the Platt family, and he became Edward Masen Cullen."
Jamie looks confused as to why this is relevant to the story that he has been waiting for so long.
"Edward grew up loved and cherished and," I can't help but giggle, "and very spoiled."
I can think of all the times Esme has told me that they couldn't deny him anything.
"They were always honest with Edward and never hid that he had been adopted. They didn't want him to be devastated to find out one day when he was older."
I can't imagine what that would be like to wake up one day and find out that Charlie wasn't my father.
"As he got older, he got resentful. He wouldn't obey them, got mixed up with a bad crowd and found himself with a pretty good rap sheet before he was even of age."
With failing grades, truancy calls from the school and DUI's, Esme and Carlisle were overwhelmed.
"When he was 14, some guy he was with talked him into stealing a dirt bike and," I can't help but smile when I remember Edward telling me about his first ride. His eyes lit up and sparkled and the smile that spread across his face was one of the most beautiful things I had ever seen.
"It was love at first ride."
I think of all the times that Edward and I have rode together and it's true, I've never seen him more relaxed and at ease than when he is on a bike. He always made me the most proud...and turned on, when he was like that.
"Anyway, competing started to mellow him out and he concentrated on that instead of getting in trouble." I shove my hands under my legs and sit on them to keep from twisting them up into knots.
"It was too late by then, though. No sponsor wants a kid with that kind of background, no matter how much money mommy and daddy have."
I can't imagine how crushing a blow that must have been to Edward. He had worked so hard to get ahead on the track and he was dominating. No matter how much he won, how great he did, he was taboo.
"Daddy saw him at a race and took an interest. I never quite understood their bond but it was there. Strong and unbreakable. Edward came here when he was 16, Jazz a couple months later and Carlisle and Esme joined too when they realized that riding was what he needed."
Jamie is still starting straight ahead, listening to every word, but I can't read him. I wish I knew what he was thinking.
"When he got here," I blow out a shaky breath because I know this is where the stuff that Jamie is interested in comes forward.
"I was in love with him right away, but he was 16 and I was 13. I was just a little kid to him."
I can still remember the first day I saw Edward. He was wearing ripped jeans, a black Hart and Huntington hoodie and a white Famous Stars and Straps hat. I was only 13 and my biggest dream was kissing him then, but he was all I could think about.
"That all changed. I turned 16 and when my boobs came, so did Edward's interest."
I feel relieved when Jamie chuckles at that and I hope that tiny sliver of hope means that he doesn't hate me.
"I went on my first date and Edward nearly had a heart attack. He admitted he had feelings for me that night and things just went from there."
Pulling my hands out from under my thighs, I brush the loose pieces of hair off my face and readjust my hair.
"We kept it hidden for a couple years. Daddy nearly killed Jasper when he and Alice got together, so we thought it would be best to fly under the radar for a while."
Okay, so I have to admit that sneaking around with Edward was in fact, pretty sexy. I can remember all the times we nearly got caught and it was a huge turn on.
"Edward told my dad on my eighteenth birthday and he just laughed at us." I smirk, remembering Charlie's response.
"He asked us if we thought he was deaf, blind or stupid." I miss Daddy so much.
Jamie finally turns to look at me sensing that we are finally getting somewhere.
"We were engaged when I was 20 and everything seemed to be perfect."
I can feel my chin quiver and my eyes start to burn with unshed tears that threaten to spill onto my cheeks.
"What happened?" His voice is soothing and comforting, trying to comfort me even in the face of his anger.
"Edward got a big corporate sponsorship. It was everything he wanted. He had worked so hard for it."
I close my eyes tightly and remember how excited he was. So happy that all his hard work had paid off.
"With his signing bonus we bought a house and used the rest for renovations."
My heart hurts when I think about the unopened cans of paints and fabric swatches that laid on the basement steps for a year after the accident.
"Edward had always wanted a Corvette. So, he used some of the money and bought one."
I can't even count the number of times I have wished I could go back and keep him from buying that car. I should have tried harder to convince him he didn't need it; that a truck would be better.
Jamie looks at me expectantly and waits for my next words.
"...and then, one Friday afternoon, Edward and Emmett drove that Corvette into a tree and ruined all our lives."
~o0o~
Thank you guys for reading. I'm sorry that this was a day late. I just wasn't happy with it and still would like to delete half of it. I have to thank my incredible beta TwilightMom505 for her incredible beta skills. I normally like to have her look at it twice, but she only got it once this time, so all mistakes are mine. (Well, they are anyway, but especially this time!)
On a better note, my finals are over, so hopefully that means so even better chapters the next few weeks! Thank you for your support. I am trying to get to my review replies, but I have some lingering ones from several chapters ago. I am toying with the notion of deleting them all and starting fresh, so if you haven't gotten a reply, don't think for a second it's because I don't love them (I SO, SO, SO DO!) I just unfortunately have a RL that gets in the way of my Edward addiction.
Also, on a side note, my cover has been blown in my real life and there are some lurkers out there (probably reading this) and they know my true identity. So, if you are reading, and you know who you are, I love you...but keep your mouth shut! J