Ch. 10

She was seriously considering going back to Saratoga when Charlie came up behind her. Ashleigh was standing outside of Shine's stall when she heard the old man's voice. "Congratulations."

Ashleigh turned to look at him, instantly knowing what he was talking about. "Usually that's not what people say when you find out they broke off their engagement."

"Well, in this case it's appropriate." he rested an elbow on the stall door and reached over to pat Shine's glossy neck. "You saved yourself a lot of heartache, missy."

"Yeah." What could hurt more than what she was going through now?

Charlie pulled out an envelope and handed it to her. "That Townsend kid asked me to give this to you."

Ashleigh took the envelope from him. "Thanks, Charlie." She brushed past him to a pasture before tearing it open.

Hey Griffen,

I just wanted to let you know that I won't be bothering you about the kid. You can keep her. I won't ask for visitation or anything like that. Kids aren't my thing. I was just pretending for you. Just don't let her know who I am and we'll be fine. See you around.

Brad

Ashleigh shoved the note in her pocket when she heard footsteps behind her.

"Hey," Mike said with an easy smile. "Nice day, don't you think?"

She walked towards him. "Beautiful."

His gaze caught her bare finger. "Forget it at home?"

"Left it with Brad. You won't be seeing that thing on my finger anymore or a Mrs. In front of my name anytime soon." Ashleigh put her hands in her back pockets and studied him.

"You break it off?"

"Yeah, last night at the party."

"I knew we'd miss fireworks if we left." Mike and his usual charm. Ashleigh laughed.

"Never a boring night with me at a Townsend Party that's for sure." She let her gaze wander around the farm, trying to ignore the knots in her stomach. "You still getting married next month?" She couldn't believe she'd said it and wouldn't have if it hadn't been for the look he sent her.

"The sixteenth."

She nodded, feeling tears spring to the back of her eyes. She prayed he wouldn't see them.

"I know you didn't forget, Ash so why did you ask?" His blue eyed gaze turned serious and he took another step towards her.

Ashleigh felt panic swell in her throat but she knew that if she didn't say it now she'd never do it and she'd regret it for the rest of her life. She knew she'd always wonder and she'd never forgive herself. She'd never let go. Her whole life was riding on this one moment. With her heart pounding and breaking, pounding and breaking she opened her mouth and spoke. ""What would you do if I told you that I loved you. That I left him for you and I made the biggest mistake of my life when I left you. That I've regretted it since that day and your the only man that I can imagine spending the rest of my life with. What would you do if I asked to you to love me and let me be your wife? Would it matter to you?"

Mike blue eyed gaze held her own for what seemed to be an eternity. Love me, Mike she prayed silently with tears swelling in her eyes. Just love me. "I made a promise to Cassie and I need to honor it. If you had told me a few months ago I would have jumped at the chance to be with you again but now..." he looked down at the ground. When he looked back at her there was tears in his eyes. He was man enough to let her see them. To let her know that he had and did truly love her.

"But it's too late." she finished for him. Not knowing what else to say she murmured. "Good thing I didn't then." With her tears and her memories of him she walked away because she'd promised herself that when it was all said and done she'd take her memories of what used to be and walk away with her head held high.

*

Rylen's eyes stare at her tearful mother that night as they sat on Ashleigh's bed. She had a ring toy in her mouth and she kept reaching forward to pat Ashleigh's wet cheeks. She would feel the wetness and would make a strange noise. After awhile Ashleigh finally smiled. "You don't like it when mommy's sad, do you sweetheart?" Rylen leaned forward and gave Ashleigh a kiss. The first kiss she'd ever received from her daughter. Her heart melted as she pulled her closer. "I love you, baby girl. We'll be okay as long as we're together."

She had to believe that. She had no one now. Every dream she'd had when she'd come home was broken now. What did you do when the most important thing that you had, love, wasn't enough? When your own love story didn't turn out like the ones in the movies and story books? When you had nowhere else to turn because everything that you'd believed in had been broken?

"The door was open." A female voice said from the doorway. Ashleigh looked up, startled, to see her sister standing there, two paper bags in her hand.

Ashleigh nodded but didn't move.

"Sammy called and told me that you left Whitebrook pretty upset today. I take it things didn't go well with Mike?" Her pretty sister, dressed in a black skirt and silk top with black stiletto heels, sat on the edge of the bed. For some reason Ashleigh was reminded of Cassie. It brought tears to her eyes once more.

"You could say that." Rylen rolled off of Ashleigh's stomach and went to play with the other toys she had on the bed. Ashleigh sat up further and wrapped her arms around her knees.

"What'd you expect?" She knew Caroline was going to do some logic on her and Ashleigh wasn't sure she could handle that right now. She wanted to be rocked and told it was all going to be okay even if it wasn't. She wanted to be the child.

"Nothing." Caroline gave her the I-don't-believe-you look. Ashleigh gave in. "I wanted him to tell me that…he loved me, that she didn't matter, that he wanted to start over, and that he couldn't live without me." Tears filmed her eyes once more. "But part of me also knew that it was too late. That he wasn't going to say that. That love wasn't enough this time and he was still going to marry Cassie."

"It won't hurt this bad forever. I promise. I've been there, sweetie. It hurts for sometimes a long time but you get over it and you'll find the man that's perfect for you."

"Mike is the only man that I can imagine spending the rest of my life with. I gave so much of myself to him that I won't ever be able to love anyone the way I love him. You got the man of your dreams." Ashleigh said tearfully. "I didn't."

"Oh, sweetie." Caroline wrapped her sister in her arms and rocked her while Ashleigh cried. There didn't seem to be a cure in the world for this broken heart.

*
The morning sun shone high over Saratoga Springs, New York. Ashleigh stood with her daughter on her hip watching the morning work outs. She wouldn't begin working the horses until the following morning since Whitebrook had gotten here too late for the works.

She felt a comfort in being here again. She'd come here once before, broken and tired and she'd left with a goal and a dream. She'd proven herself here as a jockey but more importantly as a single woman who was raising her daughter to the best of her ability.

"How does it feel to be back, kid?" Bobby Abrams questioned from behind her.

"Great." Ashleigh said with a grin as she turned to face the old man. "It couldn't be better."

"Did you find what you went there for?" She knew that he was talking about Kentucky.

"In a way I guess I did but there's a lot of things that I left that I won't ever get back but I'm trying to make that okay." Ashleigh answered honestly, knowing that he wouldn't accept anything else.

"That's all that you can do." he clapped her on the shoulder before excusing himself to go check out his horses. Ashleigh hadn't been to his barn yet, afraid of the memories that would taunt her there. It had been hard enough looking at the track.

Ashleigh walked up the stairs that would lead her to Mary's Nursery. The woman looked at her with surprised delight when she pushed through the door. "Ashleigh…it's so good to see you. How long are you back for?"

"Just for the week. I thought that I'd bring Ry up to see you." Ashleigh handed her baby off to Mary with a smile. Mary jiggled her slightly and made cooing noises. Rylen had a huge smile on her pudgy face.

"She's as cute as ever. Will you be leaving her with me while your busy with the horses?" She looked hopeful.

"Could you? I don't really have anyone else to watch her. That's why it's so hard to have kids in this business."

"Of course, honey. Don't worry about it. I'd be more than happy."

Ashleigh left Rylen with her and went down to the barns to help with the horses. She saw Mike talking to one of the grooms and pointedly went in the opposite direction. They'd been forced to see each other everyday and he tried to make it as far from awkward as possible but his attempts always failed. It hurt to see him and to know that she'd never have him again. It hurt to try and move on with her life and it hurt to stand still. But moving on was her only choice.

She helped with the feeding and grooming, making sure that she kept busy. She fell into the simple routine of being with the horses that had always meant so much. When she was done she walked around the grounds, taking in it's beauty.

She didn't know how but she found herself back at Roman's old stall. The door was closed and another horse occupied it. He was tall and black with sharp eyes that told you that he was constantly trying to get into trouble. He looked like the black version of Roman. Her sweet Roman. Ashleigh felt tears prick the back of her eye lids and Ashleigh struggled against them. She had loved and she had lost. It was now time to get back on the horse and move on with her life. She had a lot of life left for her to live. There was still so much.