In space no one can hear you weep
Dedicated to my friend who knows how to write with more dignity than I.
On the space planet deep in outer space where an alien space ship was sitting on the barren alien landscape there was an alien. The alien was shape much a human but also quite suspiciously like a phallus. With large black eyes on either side of its head. It was shambling across the dirt and rocks as much as a phallus shaped humanoid with wiry limbs and a large bulbous head could. Then it fell down and seemed to seizure erratically. The head broke open and another smaller pink and red colored alien organism jumped out and gave a tiny squeal of joy upon its glorious birth. In the distance was a space colonist settlement with many buildings and a few tents and domes. It slithered along the unpaved road and hitched a ride on a wandering space turtle which was far more like a iguana with a shell made of porcelain than a turtle because it was a space turtle and everything from space is fucked up like that.
Two children were playing next to a sign that said Welcome to Eltingville Population Your Fat Momma. Because it was defaced. The kids saw the wandering chugging little turtleoid and got excited because it reminded them of those mutant ninja turtles that fought crime in the 80s but really not.
"Look a space turtle!" cried the one child.
"I like turdles," stated flatly the other strange zombie faced child to the camera.
"FUCK YOU I'M A DRAGON," screamed the turtle trying to look cool. It was a colossal failure as turtles are the most retarded of all god's creatures and everyone knows that. Even in space.
Fed up with all the whining and tired of moving along at one fucking half mile per three hours the alien jumped onto the face of the closest child and began assaulting its small tender mouth with hard pelvic thrusts.
30 minutes later the children walked through the doors crying about how the shit from 80s isn't cool anymore now that marketing slobs have tried to reinvent the franchises for the newest generations of fat asshole white suburban kids with no taste whatsoever. And then the child harboring the alien organism exploded into the face of the grieving mothers who had wasted their drug money saving for a good college.
MEANWHILE 700 MILES AWAY OR SO
"I don't understand why we have to go check on the idiots out there in the colony. They were doing just fine last time we checked the biodome," said the captain.
"Pauly Shore cannot be trusted. Didn't you see the fucking movie?" screamed the second captain who wished he was popular enough to have been the first but wasn't thanks to experimenting sexually in his frat and earning the nickname Colonel Slopbucket mc Cumdumpster.
"SHUT UP I'M TRYING TO JACK OFF IN HERE!" came the cry from the bathroom.
"Why must there be so many gratuitous sexual images in your stories." grumbled the Ellen Ripley clone one Miss Elissa Shipley the author had shamelessly made for this fic. P.S. She is an original character now so do not attempt to steal here or I shall sue. "Okay moving on," said Shipley.
"Yes, we must investigate this unusual signal we got coming from the colony. It appears to be a distress signal but we can't really be sure until we go down there," said some other guy.
"Okay," said the minor characters in the background. They are all going to die. But they don't know this. Only you do. And I. Perhaps. I am a bit drunk so I don't know where this is going.
So the space doors from their building opened up and a armored space car drove out and it traveled along until it reached the colony building where the distress signal had originated from. They opened up the doors and went in with their guns and motion detectors and fancy yet still useless equipment from the 2000s which has better special effects.
"It's so dark in here I can't see anything!" yelled Chote Manson the manly marine man who had a tatoo of Optimus Prime proudly on his left bicep.
"Take off your fucking sunglasses, you reject!" chortled Buff Splunderbaggs who was almost as manly a marine as Chote but of a egregiously smaller stature.
"Shut up both of you, I'm on the rag and you're hurting my sense of emotional freedom," cried Vadge Slitterclits, the token masculinized woman marine who thinks shes bad ass and a feminist icon yet she's just another eye candy whore for the men here and when it comes right down to it she would never have the qualities training strength or skill to match with the male marines when it came down to a fight and would be the first to be taken captive by the enemy and repeatedly sodomized until she cried and told them all the top secret info that's why they don't want bitches there except to route out the queers, wut. Oh yeah RIPLEY FOREVER. But too bad she's dead and not going to be cloned in a good way for this story.
"Okay, whatever. Just keep jiggling that fine wide dump truck," said the token black man Lutentant Blakman P. Diddy Stallion.
"I am wearing glasses," said happily the nerd character with his shaggy disgusting unkempt greasy hair and lab coat. He was there to give the sci-fi faggots something to idolize while for some reason the female audience will think he's sexually attractive. Why we may never fully understand.
"This is going to suck a lot of balls," complained Shipley angrily.
Yes it is.
To be continued. Possibly.