Author's Note: An astute reviewer pointed out this story is barely about zombies. Correct. Its not really horror, its meant to be emotional. But here's a more zombie themed chapter. And be prepared its a little more...disturbing than other chapters. And I think its a little ridiculous that the Starbucks employees give me half off coffee because I'm there so often. But a plus! And now I'm wired. Its taken days of working on this and I would prefer reading more Elie Wiesel but an update seemed due. Lastly-LOVE that I write lines at work. Who works at work anymore? Its amusing that a scene in this chapter seems to be taken out of Crazy Stupid Love.
"We are awakened with the ax. Night of the living dead at last. They have begun to shake the dirt, whiping their shoulders from the earth. I know, I know the nations past. I know, I know they rust at last. They tremble with the nervous thought of having been, at last, forgot...Waking the earth, it lifts and lags. We see a thousand rooms to rest. Helping us taste the bite of earth. I know, I know my time has passed. I'm not so young, I'm not so fast. I tremble with nervous thought."
She needed to stop listening to Quinn's ipod, it was incredibly depressing. Then again she felt thankful that it wasn't dead yet, still holding on, giving her that escape. Music was once the cure, but she needed to choose another song. How did she feel so empty when her head felt so heavy? Her heart wanted to call it quits. Emotions were not for the faint of heart.
"They are night zombies! They are neighbors! They have come back from the dead! Ahh!" by Sufjan Stevens wasn't the best decision she'd made in a while, she knew, but she was curious. And now she felt like a dead cat. If the music wasn't depressing enough, the parts she was listening too, the times she wasn't focused she realized she left Quinn in her bed and hadn't stayed. She hadn't stayed. And she wondered if she was so incapable of loving, that she didn't let someone, she pushed them away and always had a distance.
And the funeral was today. The funeral. She noticed that was another song on the ipod by Band of Horses but she didn't want music to reflect life so much. Art imitated life or was it the other way around?
A faint knock was at the door. She ignored it because no one came to her door unless they wanted something and she didn't want to be thrust into responsibilities so soon. Her bed was annoyingly hard, but she tried to get comfortable, knowing it would be futile anyway. The knock persisted, this time louder. Rolling back over to face the door she took the earphones out and decided it was for the best. Ignoring reality wasn't her forte, she attacked life head on...at least she used to.
"Come in," she said and had to clear her throat at how hoarse it was. A messy but cute blonde head slowly popped in, took a step into the room and gently shut the door. This was strange, Quinn in her room. She looked the girl over. Rigid and intense. Rachel flinched and knew this stiff version of the blonde was her doing. It was harsh to leave her in a cold bed, not stay and kiss her in the morning and tell her she was beautiful as she had wanted.
Hazel eyes were searching her and she looked more conflicted than ever, but their eyes didn't waver. Rachel wondered if everyone else in the house had a clue they were together...they stared at each other enough and Brittany and Santana had picked up on it. But in the daylight Quinn was always more reserved. To the point that she came off cold. The feeling of an implosion was settling over her because Quinn wouldn't yell. She would find some other means to twist a knife into her to and Rachel knew she'd take it because it would be the typical reaction to being hurt. No one pushed Quinn away or denied her in back in the day without dealing with the backlash.
Pale arms crossed over a small chest and Quinn leaned against the wall, still intent on looking at brown eyes, surveying her, clearly undecided on what to do. "Can I help you Quinn?" Rachel asked politely because when in doubt be hospitable though it sounded hollow. Rachel almost flinched at the classic eyebrow raise that Quinn gave to her poised question. She didn't have energy. There was too much to do today and so she couldn't really help how her statement was delivered flatly.
"The funeral is at 4. We're going to meet in the backyard." Quinn said after a frown that didn't vanish as she spoke. The plans were made and she wasn't the one who created them. For once she was glad she wasn't in control. If Quinn was the one who was the planner she didn't voice it. Hazel eyes darkened and Rachel was close to being shocked how professional the blonde sounded, but then again she had set the platform and Quinn was only following her lead in a way. The brunette nodded and removed herself from her bed so she was standing. But as always, having to look up at Quinn...unless she was in her lap.
"I'll see you then," she dismissed as she moved to her dresser and pulled out a drawer. The wood groaned in the process and Rachel closed her eyes, knowing Quinn hadn't left the room at the rude brush off.
"Do you want to do something after..." The blonde asked to Rachel's back.
"I don't think so. I doubt we'll be in the mood to..." she trailed off. She had just had sex with Quinn but she wasn't ready to jump into bed with her. It was wonderful and more than she expected but she was overwhelmed. Simple as that.
"That's not what I meant. Rachel...I'm trying here." She said with exasperation. The tinier leader turned around and took in the blonde's body language. Of course it said the exact opposite, arms still crossed, and Rachel was struck how complicated this girl was. Woman. She was a woman. But she was someone who she could hurt. And Quinn didn't deserve that. Even after everything. The world was troubled enough without adding more emotional grief and drama to it.
"I'm busy." And this was one of the worst things she had to watch. Quinn looking as though she was just slapped across the face. The flinch was there and the barely there shake of her head as though she were trying to clear it was the most expression the blonde was going to offer but it said enough.
"I'll see you at 4." The cold monotone was said to the room. It wasn't said to Rachel. Quinn was already turned away and half way out the door while Rachel wanted to say I'm sorry but wouldn't let herself. It was for their own good. Maybe they could go back to just sleeping together at night, without sex or kissing. She could try to compromise.
Swift legs were moving through the house. Fuck it. She tried and what happened? She was proven that she wasn't enough. That she shouldn't have put her neck out and tried to connect. Was Rachel an emotional vampire? Rachel had said in a self description she was a selfish girl, but was the past tense fitting? Had Rachel evolved or was she trying to persuade herself that she could use Quinn and be okay with it?
It was easier to stay alone and focused on Beth, that was her job, protect Beth. Being a spinster wouldn't be so hard and she could do that. Reaching her room she paced and breathed through her nose. She wanted to destroy something so she would have to wait a few minutes to cool down because she didn't want to scare her daughter. When the anger vaguely lessened she kicked off her shoes and grabbed her combat boots. The scarf was next with her bow and arrows. It was quick, with anger sparking her energy and she was going to need it because she had a plan. Ruin something and make someone feel as bad as she did. That was how she worked, right? Tear someone down and make them on your level. She had tried to do it for years to Rachel and now when she tried to be nice and better she was rejected.
"How's my favorite person?" Rachel cooed to Beth who smiled up at her. Quinn was in another world. This Rachel was enthusiatic and had a smile on her face, bigger than her daughter's who was looking at Rachel in awe and joy. She cleared her throat and watched the tiny brunette swirl around and look her up and down. Yeah, she looked tough, she looked good, but she didn't want Rachel's hungry eyes looking at her. Was she being reduced to meat? For a second the feeling passed through her and she almost laughed considering Rachel was a vegetarian and wouldn't eat meat, but when Rachel didn't guard her expression and seemed to blatantly check her out the anger only increased. What right did Rachel have? Nada. Zip. None. Freaking zilch! And so she turned away and clenched her jaw rather than cause a scene.
The two second glance in the mirror showed that her eyes were darkening and when she stood in the living room with Rachel showering Beth with attention and praise she felt like she was still asleep. Rachel had said Beth was her favorite person. Was that fair? Somehow it seemed twisted that she would be denied, but her daughter would be easily loved. After all she helped make Beth. She shook her head because that wasn't very rational. They were seperate people, but Beth was the closest person she had to a family. The only thing she felt was ambivalence. Its was great Rachel liked her daughter, but when it was just the two of them Rachel turned somber and withdrawn. Incredibly out of reach. This Rachel seemed warmer and more alive. Quinn didn't know there were varying staged and levels of living until then.
"Where you off to Katniss?" Santana asked with a smirk.
"That's Quinn, San." Brittany said a second later and looked down at her girlfriend with confusion but continued stroking Santana's hair that was in her lap. Quinn chose not to roll her eyes at the literary reference and moved to the medium sized table that held numerous guns laid out, ready to be chosen, practically glistening in the morning light. Picking up a gun she felt the weight and was confident with it. It didn't matter that wasn't going to be the best shot, it would do the trick. She grabbed a houlder and wrapped it around her thigh, almost grumbled to herself that her dancer legs weren't ever going to go away if the tight straps were any indication. Sliding the gun in she picked up a larger, black gun and turned it this way and that, liking the feel of this one more. With these new "toys" she was able to ignore everyone and more importantly the feel of Rachel's eyes on her.
"Q?" Santana tried again only to be ignored. "Supergirl. Focus." The Latina said louder.
"Is Quinn a super hero?" Brittany asked with a tilt to her head. "She looks hot, I can see it. But she needs a cape." That was the closest comment that got a reaction from Quinn who had her back faced to everyone. They missed the muscle twitch in her cheek as she repressed the smile.
Finally she turned around and rather than focus on Rachel, as the two girls on the couch expected she only had eyes for Beth. Quinn walked over with confidence and spoke in a soft, but strong tone.
"See you later baby," and bent down to kiss the top of her head. Beth always calmed her, but her jaw clenched when she straightened and went outside to the pt cruiser she had picked out. When the engine rumbled after she turned the key she missed Santana screaming at Rachel.
"The hell did you do, Berry?"
The drive was fast. Police weren't an issue so she got a thrill from going ninety miles per hour. She stopped at a ninety-nine and didn't dare go past a hundred. Somehow that felt like pushing it. Beth was counting on her. It would be ridiculous to live through a zombie world only to have a car accident be her demise. She slowed to 80 and gripped the wheel harder. Hopefully her plan was still there. God knew she had enough ammunition to take out twenty zombies easy. Guns were always under the seats and a grenade in the glove box. There were never gloves in glove boxes and she had to smirk at that.
Turning the corner, feeling as though time had sped up after the twenty minute drive seemed ten minutes she got out of the car and tossed the keys on the seat. Cracking her neck by moving her head back and forth she looked out over the littered street and focused her eyes on brown ones.
This was it. Chains around a body, long hair, pale skin, and the whites of eyes that had become grey. Shelby had seen better days. The woman was once beautiful, she was a tell of what Rachel would look like if Shelby wasn't an Instinctual who was waiting patiently against the pole. After weeks of being contained she had likely given up the struggle and resigned herself to standing, having no other choice. Now she wasn't human. And this was also a warning of who Rachel could become. A glimpse through a looking glass of one of her fears. A painful reflection of a possible outcome should Rachel lose her humanity. But was humanity lost? Not really. These U.D's didn't have a choice. Their humanity was taken from them-stolen from them and changed them. Rachel had changed enough.
And here was Shelby. This woman looked so much like her that it was disturbing. And it was perfect, she could take her anger out on someone who looked like the tiny brunette but wasn't really her. Though the blonde knew she was still a large part of Rachel, even if she wasn't present in the girl's life. Quinn moved forward, gun in hand and back straight. Older eyes watched her and didn't move to bite or attack. For a second the blonde thought the woman was dead, really dead, not reanimated, but didn't have anything in her, until light brown eyes locked onto hers. They had been darker, but the grey was giving them a dull look. Quinn narrowed her eyes.
"I have Beth. That's the one good thing I'm going to offer you before..." she smirked. The plan was working. Shelby was here and she was the ideal punching bag for her anger. The perfect scapegoat with a pretty pink bow on top. She loved those kind of metaphorical gifts. "You ruined Rachel. Its not a hundred percent your fault, but did you think that abandoning her would make it easier for her to connect?" She thought of lighting Shelby on fire. Gasoline, match, strike, burn. Simple equation that would have fit the woman's lesson on theatricality she had witnessed when they watched Vocal Adrenaline.
Now she was running on adrenaline, but didn't want to smell rotting flesh, even though it would have been a show. However the thought made her stomach nearly bring up bile. That was too much for her even. She was going to stick to yelling and shooting. She had gotten too comfortable with her bow and needed more practice with a gun. This was like target practice, and she needed it. As unconventional as that was, Shelby was going to help on multiple levels.
"Its not even with me, if Rachel meets someone and falls in love, she's not going to give herself willingly. Not her heart. She'll always have her career. And talent. Part of that drive and ambition probably came from you." Quinn rose the gun and fired. The bullet struck into the shoulder and sounded like a truck backfired and a piece of wood being split in half when the bullet settled in. Shelby wasn't muscle anymore, she sounded like bone, creeky and void of any softness that would make her human. Quinn almost pitied this woman.
"Your absence caused damage, your rejection, your selfishness!" She screamed and aimed the gun again and made a point to shoot at a thigh. Blood didn't come out of the wound. It was like Shelby was dry and dust. Ashes to ashes. If Quinn set her on fire she would go up quickly and the blonde wanted to draw this out. She would leave this woman mutilated and without any human qualities except maybe a damned soul, but that couldn't really be seen and Quinn felt like a monster in the moment but she wasn't the grim reaper. She didn't have the power to collect souls.
"You pushed her away. You didn't even deserve her!" And Quinn took a lung full of air that wasn't enough. It felt too much like drowning. A wave of bitter realization hit her that she wasn't fully yelling at Shelby, she was also yelling at herself. Only this was a person in front of her and not a mirror, though the older woman may as well have been. Every YOU could have been I. But she ran with it because it felt heavier and less abstract to simply yell at this woman because she could. They were cruel to Rachel and both had done their part to hurt the tough girl who prefered to sing than talk. Her index finger squeezed in again and another bullet went into her other thigh. Shelby was still standing, strong and resolute with a steady gaze that challenged Quinn.
"She tried with you. To connect. And you took it for granted." Her voice lowered. She couldn't scream anymore unless she had a second wind in her. "How DARE you call yourself a mother." She yelled with anger to certain words as she shot again and made sure the bullet went into the woman's torso. Again Shelby didn't show anything, not on her face. She was impassive as her body slumped lower. Quinn knew this was horrible and evil. To inflict this much torture on someone was obscene. Was she hurtling herself to madness or saving herself by destroying the remains of this woman? Would the guilt crush her later or was the allure of having control when everything in her life was out of control going to outweight the cons?
The world was working in opposites. The days were harsh and she, like everyone else was on edge. At night she could relax. Rachel was the most honest and passionate at night with remnants of light coming from her when they held each other, clung to one another. The day was never kind to them and it brought an oppressive torrent of emotions that made her mentally tired. Her muscle spasmed as she held the gun.
Decisions, decisions. Where to send the next bullet? Where to put emotions? Where to run from them? She wanted to ask god what to do but wondered if asking the devil would give her more answers. Part of the devil seemed to be staring back at her, but she knew that was absurd, even though some fanatics were likely saying demons were walking the earth.
Everyone was clinging to hope and it was like walking a tightrope-trying not to fall into the abyss of insanity. At which round would she feel like she was tipping over the edge? Really she didn't care and proved it when she shot another bullet into Shelby's shoulder. The woman grunted, guttural, and groaning like the last air of an accordian was being forced out.
"You were heartless to her." A shot to the chest, where her thinning heart should be. "Heartless." The whisper was said harshly, more to herself than the woman infront of her. She released another bullet to the same area. Her jaw was starting to hurt at how often she was clenching it. Words were like bullets that were falling on deaf ears, but she heard them. Fuck, she felt them and knew she wasn't really talking to this woman. She hadn't been talking to her for a while...her own words were meant for herself and she was close to choking on them. The only good thing she had done in this world was create Beth. Everything else was up for debate or fueled by her own wants. Who the hell was she to berate Rachel for being selfish? Was pride getting in the way? The fact that Rachel left her to wake up with cold sheets?
"In another life I hope when you get the chance to be involved in someone's life who's going to enrich yours-you take the fucking opportunity." Quinn allowed herself the profanity, though uncharacteristic and decided it was enough. It ends now. Quick squeeze to the trigger and the final bullet impacted into Shelby's head. It sounded like a bowling ball fell onto pavement after being dropped from ten stories up, but Quinn didn't look away. What good would it do to deny the images and proof that she had done these horrible things? Maybe she was heartless.
Turning around she was caught off guard by the small cresent moon of figures that were forming around her. Switching her empty silver gun to her nondominant hand she pulled the gun from the holder on her thigh and swiftly lined up the shot. One U.D. down-six to go. It was fast. She wasn't good with the gun and a few shots missed or hit a shoulder instead of the head. When the gun clicked she knew she had run out she narrowed her eyes and said to herself she shouldn't be so impatient, should have waited for them to get closer then shoot.
Moving to the car she grabbed the keys after yanking the door open and got in. It started to life and she reached over to the glove box. The green grenade was the only thing in it and it seemed so smart, but large in her hand when she grasped it. Rolling down the window and pushing the gear into drive she made a u-turn so she was facing them and nearly smirked at how this felt like a western movie. Holding the grenade in her left hand, right hand gripping the wheel, she floored it as their groans reached her ears. Straight on she went through them and felt like a wrecking ball, barrelling through the wall of Instinctuals. For good measure she bit the pin between her lips and pulled. The toss of the heavy grenade felt like she was tossing back a bouquette of flowers. The smirk accompanied the feeling when she thought this was better than attending any wedding. The massive boom that followed seconds later finally made her burst into a toothy grin and she drummed on the steering wheel as she hummed-another one bites the dust.
"Hi baby girl." Quinn said smoothly as she crossed the living room to kneel before Beth. The drive back was quick and she felt better even though she was waiting for the other shoe to drop. The emotions would catch up with her eventually, but at the moment she wanted to tell her daughter she loved her. "I love you," she said as she held her and hugged her close. She was oblivious to everyone looking at her like she had four heads until Santana cleared her throat.
"Oh screw it, I'm not subtle, its a damn waste of time. Q, not to break up this picturesque moment but the funeral is in like a half hour." The brunette said and Quinn met her eyes then Brittany's who looked incredibly somber. They were the only two in the open room and Quinn noticed they were leaning against the counter with a cup in the Latina's hand an a stuffed animal in Britt's who was clearly playing with Beth until Quinn came back. She looked at Beth again and the girl seemed wonderfully unaware that she only had one parent remaining, which was better than none...but Puck would have been great to her.
"Okay. I'll be back down soon," she said without any emotion. She felt hollow again. Carved out and barren but she gave a gentle squeeze to the dancer's hand as she placed Beth in the taller blonde's strong arms. It was how she always thanked B who understood a different language. Smoothly she kissed her daughter's cheek and went up the stairs.
"Where did you go?" A whispered voice caught up to her as she neared her room in the hallway. Turning around she braced herself, though she didn't know what to say. Words weren't their strong suit and Rachel didn't deserve to know what she did with her days. The silence was enough of a reply and the tiny brunette tried again. "The last time you left on your own...you came back with bruises. I'm...I'm checking." She said as she pressed her back into the wall and further away from the blonde who was looking at her with narrowed eyes. She wanted to lean into the wall as well but knew her small pony tail would prohibit her from leaning her head back and she wanted to. Everything felt heavy. No rest for the wicked. Exhaustion was coming at her in waves and this conversation would drain her. To come clean on an already emotional day or avoid it? Avoid Rachel?
"Don't mother me, Rachel," Quinn said with fatigue. The challenge was lost in her voice. "If you want to talk we can after the funeral. Its your call, but I should stress..." and she lowered her voice as though she were offering a secret "I grew up in a house with Russell and Judy who could be tempestuous after the fifth drink. They weren't outwardly aggressive or full of animosity, but...it was in the silence. I don't want this house to become like that one." Hazel locked with brown and hoped that was clear. It was the closest she would get to saying she wanted to talk to Rachel, wanted to try. She'd had enough drama in her life. Simplicity was incredibly appealing and talking was the only way they were going to uncomplicate things...
"Can..." Rachel attempted and swallowed. "Can I hug you?" Quinn watched her fingers twist around one another, tan digits squeezing and seeming nervous. Rachel was human, she didn't have all the answers, she was going to make mistakes, but the blonde knew she was trying and as always with her questions. The silence hovered over them and made Rachel more nervous who shifted her weight against the wall and made a move to leave to her room.
Fingertips grazed around a wrist until Quinn gently held Rachel's arm. Pulling her back was similar to the sensation of pulling a kite in from a strong breeze. The slight resistance was there but it was really the feeling that Rachel would float away. When her arms came to wrap around the smaller girl's waist Rachel almost sighed with relief. But she was too depressed to feel any relief. They were going to bury their friend, Beth's father, and they would have to make sure he didn't really die-that he would be remembered and treated as a precious memory.
"Do you want to stand next to me during?" Quinn asked quietly as Rachel's arms clung to her shoulders to the point that she was really holding the smaller girl up.
"Please?" The brunette asked and didn't sound anything like herself. It was desperation and pleading that Rachel never had. She was a fighter, but everyone had their breaking points and cracks.
They pulled back and created the needed distance. It was like a yo-yo. Calm one second, intense the next and Quinn didn't know where to put all of the building emotions. She stepped away from the smaller girl and went into her room to change. A light grey dress that she had taken from a department store and thought she could wear if she ever tried to take Rachel on a date was going to have to do. Her shoulders popped as she removed her shirt then her spine cracked as she put on the dress and pulled her hair from the confines of the pony tail. A quick glance to the small mirror made her think she looked like her former self. Like her biggest enemy was staying popular and getting out of Lima. Death was the enemy. It was always around them and death had been victorious. No matter how much they tried to evade it there was the inevitability and Quinn wondered when everyone's clocks would run down.
It was exactly four and everyone was outside. They formed a circle around the grave. She hadn't remembered walking down the stairs and to the backyard but here she was, looking at her peers and contemplating if welcoming the end and to not struggle to fight to live would be a relief. They weren't impervious. This cabin in the middle of nowhere wouldn't protect them and looking at Will and Emma seemed to mirror her thoughts. The former guidance councelor looked very formal and on the verge of tears. Will looked concentrated but clearly in his own head as he peered at the shallow grave. Quinn could have bet it was very difficult to dig with the cold ground. No one wanted this to be their grave and again she glanced at the older people in the group. Will and Emma looked torn but ready for flight.
The tan canvas material was wrapped around Puck's frame. She was glad she wouldn't have to look at his face but it seemed cheap and crude they couldn't make him a coffin. No one said anything and she shifted her weight and held a sleeping Beth closer to her, thankful her daughter was in a dreamland.
"Should we..ah..say something?" Sam asked politely. What was the proper ettiquette for this? The blonde boy was looking at Rachel and the brunette looked lost.
"I think he wouldn't have wanted a like service. Plus he was Jewish so I think we should say a prayer in heads and then say goodbye..." Finn trailed off, unsure, but this was his best friend and it was the only thing he could offer that seemed appropriate. Quinn nodded and watched everyone bow their heads. Was a minute prayer and thoughts enough? Was five minutes? She didn't know but she had said all she could in a few words. Thank you. For protecting Beth.
A small squeeze was felt to the hand that wasn't holding her daughter and she looked down to see a small, tan hand in hers. The fingers weren't laced together but the blonde gave a gentle squeeze back to assure Rachel who looked from their hands to the grave.
Quinn took a step forward and grabbed a handful of dirt that was in a small pile around the burial. Reaching her arm out she slowly spread her fingers and allowed the contents to fall onto the canvas. It felt real to do this, to help in some way and she was surprised when everyone slowly did the same. Rachel was the last one and she still held the earth in her hand. They were the only two standing there. Quinn didn't realize she had been holding Beth for twenty minutes. When her arm started to ache she squeezed Rachel's hand again. If the wind hadn't carried the brunette's voice Quinn wouldn't have heard it, more importantly if she wasn't standing right next to this girl she would have completely missed it.
"I'm sorry." Rachel said to the covered figure and wiped the dirt onto her black skirt. I'm sorry. It wasn't Rachel's fault. Quinn was in a small state of shock and didn't realize the smaller girl had dropped their hands and went inside. A minute later she followed and felt Beth stir against her. A small forehead was rubbing into her shoulder and Quinn rubbed circles into her daughter's upper back.
"Its okay baby girl." her voice was drawing Beth from her sleep and the small blonde blinked back at her. "Hi darling. You're going to go with aunt Mercedes for the night." She said with a tiny smile and felt a brief sense of rudeness come over her that she was assuming. Any mention of Mercedes would usually make Beth smile so Quinn frowned back at her daughter, fearing she was getting sick. When she passed into the house and stood in the living room she noticed a few of the guys headed back out to likely bury Puck. Sam passed and Beth clapped in his direction.
"Hey pretty pretty," Sam said in a goofy grin to Beth who smiled back.
"Uncle Sam can spend time with you too," she said to her daughter who clapped more and Quinn hoped Sam was alright with that, since she was setting them all up without asking.
"Yes!" Sam said with clenched hands at chest level. "Get to spend time with my favorite Fabray." He added with the same absurd smile that made Quinn shake her head. She could be offended but she was thrilled so many people took to her daughter.
"Thanks Sam," the blonde said and watched the sweet guy walk to the porch.
"Girl you need me to watch her I got your back." Mercedes said strongly. If anything she could have sworn Mercedes was glad to have someone to focus on. And Sam and her were great with her daughter, blowing raspberries at one another, Mercedes singing and beth saying la la la la back. It was insanely cute and she loved watching it but she needed to try to talk with Rachel. She looked to the stairs and questioned if Rachel was in her room or somehow slipped out past everyone. ''She's upstairs." The gospel vocalist said to the taller girl with a small nod.
Quinn didn't stop her surprise. She was that predictable? Or Mercedes was that good of a friend and could practically read her mind.
"Quinn, I'm not going to judge you. You deserve to be happy after getting the short end of the stick A LOT. So go figure it out," she said with a shrug "and let me have cutie here." Her hands were out and so were Beth's, ready to be transfered, and again Quinn's shoulder popped and she rubbed Mercedes arm briefly to say thank you. It was expected that she and Sam would take care of Beth for the night. The words didn't need to be said, it was and agreement and Quinn felt safe knowing her daughter was loved and cared for.
Her bed was empty. Not that she expected Rachel to be in it but she wouldn't have minded if the smaller girl was on her usual side. Less than a hundred feet away she knocked on a closed door. Not that she was expecting an answer, but she waited a few seconds until she let herself in. Rachel was on the bed listening to her ipod. She was looking intently at her sheet as though it could solve all her problems. Slowly Quinn walked forward until she was hovering over Rachel. The smaller girl was still focused on ignoring her, which was hard considering the blonde placed her knee on the bed and watched Rachel move closer to her unintentionally with the shift. Reaching and gently pulling at the chords the ex cheerleader took the headphones away. Rachel looked back with the most pleading eyes she had seen in her life. Brown eyes rivaled her own when she was desperate and needed a place to stay after her parents had kicked her out and she never wanted to see that reflected from Rachel; someone who was so optimistic that it was occasionally annoying, someone who wasn't afraid to dream big, and someone who wasn't worried about the future because she had a plan. But all that was gone now and here was Rachel seeming the polar opposite of herself.
"Come to bed." Quinn said softly, trying to coax the girl out of her head and she was glad to see the tension from her features lessen, though not by much.
"I'm in bed." Rachel said with a frown.
"I meant MY bed," the blonde said and consciously tried to take out any biting tone.
"On one condition." Quinn rolled her eyes. Nothing was ever easy with Rachel. It was a game of tug of war and who can up the other. A battle of wits because Quinn was well aware Rachel had her beat on singing and probably with a song that wasn't usually in her range or from the broadway catalog.
"Out with it," the archer said with raised eyebrows.
"Take a shower with me." The smaller girl said after a pause but spoke at a normal volume. She sounded exhausted and as though she knew Quinn would say no, a firm no, but wanted to ask it regardless because she wanted comfort and for something to wash away her thoughts more or less.
"Under one stipulation." The cheerleader said with narrowed eyes and for a second Rachel was shocked Quinn was even considering it with her lawyer tone. The bite to her lip was for her own good because her brain wasn't in the mood to censor itself and she thought Quinn was very attractive when she had that "I'm in control voice and everything else be damned." But she nodded and waited, though impatiently.
"Sing a song. Anything. As long as you sing."
Rachel locked up. Cement walls building by hypothetical stage hands with steel bars and a clamp over her neck. Why did Quinn have to say that? Singing was linked to feeling and that was something she had been avoiding for weeks. Too many weeks. She didn't realize she was shaking her head until she repeated no in a chant.
"Rachel, my daughter sings more than you." Quinn tried and placed her fingertips under a tan chin so the smaller girl would look at her but Rachel moved her head out of the touch and sat stiffly.
"And she's adorable while doing so, but I cannot and will not sing." She said stubbornly.
"You're incredibly difficult." The blonde blew out and attempted to persuade her another way. "I'll make you dinner if you sing. Macaroni and cheese. Your fake butter is still there. I'm willing to let that slide. But the rest is organic and free range," she offered with a smirk.
"You're going to make me dinner?...Like a date?" Rachel asked perplexed and was bothered when Quinn laughed down at her. Somehow Quinn's higher position bothered her more than the laughing.
"Believe me, if I took you on a date it would be better than macaroni and cheese." She said as she sat on the bed to be eye level with Rachel and watched the girl relax more. "But yes, I'll make you dinner." Rachel was still trying to wrap her head around the words if I took you on a date. Had Quinn considered it? Arranging a date? Picking her up from...her room across the hall and taking her somewhere? Their options were limited. Movie theaters weren't working, resturants weren't open, everything was abandoned and so Rachel suspected it would have been a boring date unless they talked and learned about one another. The former diva was quiet for so long that Quinn felt off balanced and used humor to the best of her ability and let Lucy take the reigns for a while. "This really doesn't seem fair. I make you dinner, you sing and do something you're naturally good at and then you see me naked."
Brown eyes widened almost comically and Rachel ducked her head into her chest to cover her blush. "That seems very out of order...the way we've gone about this. Oh my god I've never seen you naked...but you've seen me..." she trailed off, embarrassed.
"Breathe. If it makes you feel any better no one has seen me naked." The blonde said calmly.
"Of course not, you founded the celibacy club. But...you have a daughter and you had sex with me, I made you have sex with me...oh Moses, you're straight, I think I'm light headed." She said quickly.
"Rachel Berry, breathe. You didn't make me do anything. I have my own autonomy, you have yours." The former cheerleader said in her Quinn-lawyer tone and Rachel practically smirked.
"I really like your range in vocabulary." Rachel said bashfully. It was random but that censor was failing or it was flat out broken.
"You're a geek." Quinn admitted with a smile.
"And you're a nerd." Rachel replied quickly with a degree of a challenge.
"We're talking in circles. Back to the issue." Then she paused and tilted her head slightly. "Issues." She amended. "I never said I was straight. You were often dating my ex boyfriends giving the impression you were also straight too, Berry. The fact that you let Finn have such a large influence on your future was frustrating."
"From your comments over the last two years someone could mistaken you for a feminist you know." Rachel admitted and relaxed her shoulders. This was the longest conversation Quinn had with her and it was jumping around but she liked it.
"Feminism and being gay doesn't go hand in hand, but yes, I believe in equality and am not blind to the male centric world we live in. However I don't know what I am. I'm me and you're you and its that simple. It should be that simple." She stressed.
"You said you hadn't been in love with any of the boys you dated." The ex singer said as the memory flooded her. She remembered how scared Quinn looked when she thought she was pregnant too.
"True." She nodded slowly. "I wasn't. They seemed to always want something from me and it wasn't ever really about me. And vice versa. I have no desire to be with someone for the sake of using them or being used." She said pointedly. They needed to have this conversation. As harsh and it may be and verbally violent it could escalate to. It was similar to when she held the grenade in her hand and was ready to throw it. Only now if she let herself toss it she knew she'd want to try to fix the aftermath and piece everything back together because Rachel always seemed a breath away from falling apart when it was just them.
"So if I said yes to dinner you would take it to mean that I'm using you?" Rachel asked confused as she attempted to be on the same page as Quinn.
"In that case no, because I offered."
"But you think I'm using you when I asked...if you would take a shower with me?"
"The thought was there, yes." Quinn said honestly and without pause. She watched as Rachel drew her legs into her chest and wrapped her arms under her knees. It wasn't subtle, not that Rachel ever was, but she purposefully moved away. Because it stung. It physically made Rachel's chest hurt that Quinn was under the impression she was being used. That was NEVER her intention.
"I'm sorry. I retract my question and subsequently my invitation. We can just have dinner and go to sleep if that's alright with you. We can sleep seperately if you'd prefer." She said through the pain in her chest. That time it was sharp. The day was too much. She had just helped to bury Noah, she was trying to do the right thing by give Quinn space even though her body was telling her she would miss their nights together. Just laying in bed with Quinn made her calm.
"Rach," she reached out and ran her thumb over tan knuckles as she delicately held the nearest hand available to her. "That's not what I meant. I'll take a shower with you. Only if you sing. And ignore the stretch marks," she said the last part with an edge of bitterness to her voice. Her abs were back and she looked nice, that was her thinking-she looked nice, but she was only seventeen and stretch marks weren't suppose to be there.
"Quinn," Rachel said with renewed strength. It bothered her that this strong and smart woman would still feel insecure when she didn't have reason to be. "I've never met anyone as beautiful or as strong as you. And there's Beth and..." she swallowed because it was always jarring that Quinn was a mother.
"She's your favorite person," she whispered and watched Rachel smirk.
"She beat out Barbara. I happen to find Beth rather wonderful. Though she has everyone wrapped around her finger so I'm fairly certain I'm not the only one in her fan club." She said with a genuine smile.
The sentiment was incredibly sweet and it could have been the way brown eyes seemed lighter or how Rachel seemed more relaxed but Quinn thought it was amazing how much someone cared for her daughter and called her wonderful. Leaning in she kissed Rachel on the cheek and stayed there, content to breathe her in until she whispered in her ear, "you're...really pretty when you smile." Quinn meant to say beautiful but her mind was overthinking.
"You don't have to lie," Rachel said looking at her blanket, making the blonde shake her head.
"Here's the thing-most of what I...express can't be taken at face value, but I'm being honest with you here. I've been honest with you about happy endings, relationships...whenever you've asked my view I've given it, maybe brutally at times, but its never been a lie." She stressed and was unapologetic. The strength behind her words was what made Rachel look up and inhale an unsteady breath.
"Okay. I'll see you downstairs in twenty munutes for dinner?"
"That'll be fine. Stay out of trouble in the meantime," the blonde winked subtely and Rachel's eyes enlarged slightly at how playful Quinn was at times. A rarity, but enjoyable and she stopped the girl from moving to the door when she grasped her hand and pulled her closer. The invasion of space was calming. The kiss was brief and she wouldn't have minded progressing it and falling into it, but her stomach growled and Quinn moved back and stared at her midsection. "Clearly I have to feed the monster inside you." She said with a smirk and again Rachel was hit by how sexy Quinn could be without trying. The light humor was holding Rachel up when everything in her was telling her the world was madly spinning.
The taller girl slipped out and entered her room. A quick change and another scarf on she felt a little warmer. The dress wasn't enough and she felt like an imposter wearing it. The black skinny jeans and a very light pink top that looked white, paired with the dark blue scarf wasn't needed but after her father tried to strangle her she hated to feel exposed. But she chose not to focus on the vast negative things.
Skipping down to the kitchen she saw her daughter in the living room bouncing on Mercedes' lap as Sam made funny/bad impressions and practically sailed over to the group. "I love you to the moon and back," she said softly to her daughter who looked at her happily. It was important to tell her daughter she loved her everyday. She wanted to break the cycle and express to her that she would always be supported. It wouldn't be a generational weakness like her mother. Part of the job description of being a mom to her was telling her daughter she was amazing in some way whenever she was given the chance. And if she borrowed lines from classic kids' literature she didn't feel any less unique but hoped she was enriching her daughter's life. Kissing her on her head she breezed over to the kitchen. It felt wrong to be this carefree after burying her daughter's father, her friend, but she needed a break from the headiness. The task was nice and felt normal. Make dinner. Making dinner for Rachel wasn't normal but if this became part of her routine she wouldn't mind.
Eyes were on her and she felt it and heard the whispering but the grins on her friends faces couldn't be missed. "Q, its mac and cheese, not a five star dinner." Mercedes said with a growing grin as she watched the blonde look at the food like a science experiment she were getting graded on. They didn't need an A plus in lab anymore.
"Its not all for me," she said with a shrug.
"Yes! I knew you loved me. Thank you for the food," Sam said with his goofy smile and she rolled her eyes, everyone fully aware that it wasn't intended for him. She was half way done with making it and shook her head but grabbed a small bowl to give to Beth. Everyone prepared food for themselves except on fridays and it wasn't a friday.
"We'll be out of here when Rachel comes down," Mercedes said nicely without any judgement. Now that she wasn't fighting Rachel for solos and their talents were taking a back seat she appreciated the former diva more. And it didn't have to be said but it was there in Beth's pseudo-aunt's tone everytime she spoke about Rachel to Quinn-she supported it and wanted them to be happy. With a nod to her friend she went back to making the food.
With a small helping for Beth she set it aside and grabbed two plates for herself and Rachel. When she walked over with a tiny spoon for Mercedes to feed Beth she wasn't at all surprised with Sam jumped on the opportunity to make airplane noises. The sounds were amusing and music to all their ears. Beth saying mmmm after every bit and giggling when Uncle Sam made funny faces and pretended to take her food. The laughter really kept the depression at bay and she felt lighter.
Slowly Rachel came down the stairs and was surprised by the laughter. It was like a foreign sound that didn't fit into reality, something she would have to get used to again and Quinn saw the shock on Rachel's face. As through she was affronted and thrown off by happiness.
"Rachel..." Quinn said at a normal volume, calling her over and saw from the corner of her eyes Sam, Mercedes and Beth get up to leave the common area. The brunette looked her up and down and Quinn recognized hunger but not for food and a shiver went through her. Sometimes Rachel was so unashamed and open to her that it was disarming. Most people tried to be suave about it but Rachel would focus on her and made her feel both wanted and appreciated. Strange combination, but she liked what it made her feel and she looked the smaller girl over who could do with gaining a few pounds but still looked great. For years Quinn had compared herself to girls in magazines, but the girl in front of her was real with every emotion hidden under the surface.
"You look very nice, Quinn." Rachel said formerly and sat at the bar across from her. Quinn didn't voice her thought that she was treating this as a pre-date. A test run to see if they could share a meal and talk to one another instead of joke and use physical affection as a dialog or filler. For a second Quinn thought they were backtracking. It seemed appropriate to say thank you but it seemed rigid and she couldn't ask how was your day or how was work because she knew what Rachel had done, her actions mirrored her own. Instead she busied herself with adding spices to the plain macaroni and cheese. Rosemary, pepper and some italian herbs to make it seem a little more sophistocated or less white trash because she was a little appauled that this was what she had to work with. "I feel bad that you've slaved over the stove for dinner," Rachel added as she watched the blonde.
"Its from a box. Hardly slaving." She said as she set a fork next to the plate she placed before the sitting girl. Standing felt comfortable and she was very much used to it so she remained upright. Years of standing in the kitchen eating small meals while her parents were out became a typical dinner and more importantly she wanted to face Rachel.
"This looks great. Even if I have to put my vegan preferences on hold." A small smile was offered but Rachel sat stiffly.
"Do you want something to drink?" Quinn asked formerly, finding it was hard to get out of that tone once Rachel had established it.
"Water? I'd love some coffee but no one makes it and I'm sure it would go horribly with this..."
The blonde nodded and turned around to search for her hidden wine glasses she had taken over a week away from a store. They were a light purple and clear but she rarely used them because she felt pretentious and didn't want to give Puck the impression she was half prepared to down a bottle of wine. Bending down she grabbed them from the back of a cabinet and filled them from the faucet. When she set the glass in front of Rachel she let out a small laugh at her reaction.
"Full of surprises." The smaller leader said with a tilt to her head and picked up the glass by the stem delicately while holding the body of it securely. "I feel a little classier." She said with a growing smile.
"That's the point," Quinn replied with a small smirk that was half hidden behind the colored glass. A silence fell over them that Quinn was starting to find uncomfortable until Rachel's stomach growled, prompting her to raise an eyebrow.
"I know, I know...the monster is telling me to feed it." Rachel said with an eyeroll, practically taking the words from Quinn's mouth. The ex cheerleader crossed her arm over her chest and held onto her wine glass and happily watched Rachel twirl the fork in her hand and finally take some of the cheesy concoction and bring it to her mouth where she paused, frowned and brought the fork back down. "Shouldn't we toast? I'm not sure to what...the future perhaps, but that seems vague and at this point uncertain and maybe we'll jinx something but I've never done this before...I mean I have with Finn, but its never been this nice and I think it would set a nice platform for the evening if we toasted..."
"Rachel, breathe." Quinn said calmly and watched Rachel's shoulders fall and the girl close her eyes. It was a little pathetic Rachel said this was nice compared to anything Finn put together. It was a boxed meal! The words weren't said in a demand but was a simple reminder and she was amused that she was starting to feel like an anchor to Rachel; a force that could pull her back to earth and make her less neurotic. "Okay. I'll toast if you don't mind because the food is getting cold and we don't have a microwave," she said with humor and was relieved to say Rachel relax more and nod. Raising her glass a little higher she waited for the ex singer to do the same. "Here's to those who wish us well..." she said merrily, "and those who don't can go to hell." Her tone changed to bitchy but she smirked at the last word.
The fallen jaw and wide eyed expression that peered back at her almost made her choke on her water. "My grandfather used to say that. I heard him say it once at a family party." Rachel said as she set her glass down and started to work at her food.
"Your dads threw a lot of parties?" Quinn asked curiously and to make conversation but a part of her wanted to compare and contrast her family to Rachel's who always seemed proud of her parents.
"They're fun seekers and enjoy throwing a party. Daddy is the life of the party type while Dad is the planner and sticks to controlling the music because Daddy will dance to anything...like no one's watching. Its rather embarrasing but endearing at the same time." She said with a genuine smile.
"They seem very nice. Hopefully we'll attend parties together soon so I can see this uninhibited dancing." Quinn replied after she swallowed a helping.
"You'd want to meet my fathers?" Rachel asked with shock only to watch Quinn shrug nonchalantly.
"If you'd want me to, its an option." The taller girl said calmly as she set her elbow on the counter.
"It took forever to get Finn to meet them..." The brunette said looking away.
"Let's get one thing straight here-I am not like Finn Hudson. In many ways. My grade point average is better for one and the rest are just mean though factual. Since we're trying to have an enjoyable dinner I'll leave it at that."
"Oh do continue. This is the most entertainment I've had in ages." Kurt's voice came from behind a corner.
"Hummel, I will end you." Quinn said with narrowed eyes in the direction the voice came from.
"Sweetie, can you make popcorn?" He asked Blaine who kept saying leave them alone as he ignored the former head cheerleader.
"We should really leave them, let them have their privacy." Blaine said sensibly.
"Quinn with her empty threats." Kurt replied flippantly as he waved his hand as though swatting at a fly and turned to Rachel. "I'm your best friend and you let her talk to me like this? Oh how the mighty have fallen Rachel Berry." The baby faced boy said with a smirk.
"Santana!" Quinn said loudly to the ceiling. It wasn't a shout and it didn't need to be but the look of fear that crossed Kurt's face was priceless. Priceless.
"What Q?" The Latina replied coming down the stairs, seeming groggy, likely having been woken from siesta with Brittany and a cranky Santana wasn't one to reckon with. It was safest to duck and cover behind something bullet proof. Or a nuclear war bunker.
"Direct Kurt to his room," she said in a sickeningly sweet voice that contrasted her intense eyes because although she wasn't a dictator she still had the head cheerleader inside her. This pre-date was starting to be a disaster, though Quinn caught Rachel trying to contain her laughter behind her hand.
"White bread let's go. Or I swear by Munchkin's obsession with polka dots that I will burn your wardrobe and hers," she said with a tilt to her head at Rachel who looked horrified. "Making this world a better place," she said with a disturbing smile, but for a moment Quinn was thankful Santana was such a bitch. It was blissfully predictable and had the desired effect when Kurt mumbled something about his wardrobe not being on the same wavelength as Rachel's. Finally when everyone was back to their rooms and they were alone again Rachel was staring at her still full plate of food as Quinn was overthinking what to say.
"I like your polka dots. It looks nice on you...that shirt," she said with sincerity and tried not to focus on the unusually low cut. There was just so much skin less than two feet in front of her and in an hour or less she'd be naked with Rachel in a shower. She tried to lightly smile but felt it came off awkward.
"Thank you," Rachel said slowly and appeared in her own world. "Um though what Kurt said was presumptuous and slightly inappropriate he makes an interesting point. Being that we haven't defined this relationship or if there is one...I'm curious how you feel about it or if this is a no strings attached type of arrangement." She said in a nervous rush as she worked her thumb back and forth over the fork.
"If you eat half of what I gave you I'll tell you my view on it." Quinn said looking at the plate after she had taken another bite of her own. She was used to this sort of spastic Rachel but it was surprisingly cute. Slowly Rachel ate at the pasta and allowed Quinn the time to form her thoughts as they ate in a brief silence. Quinn tried to estimate when Rachel had finished half. Being watched like a hawk wasn't going to help the smaller girl be comfortable but Quinn really wanted the ex singer to work on being healthier and less strict with her diet. A small but annoying lump was forming in her throat that had migrated from her chest. When faced with being honest and sharing her emotions Quinn wanted to seclude herself and pick up a book.
"So..." Rachel said without any demand as she indicated she was done eating for now and kept up the end of Quinn's deal.
"If there weren't any U.D's and we had our more simplistic, though petty lives I would have liked to have taken you to a movie." She admitted slowly. "When I wasn't at cheerleading practice and I wasn't in the house or church with...my family," and she said the last word bitterly, "who couldn't string five sincere words together, I would go to the bookstore a town over near the college campus. They have a theater across the street that I wanted to go since they played old movies. And there was this bakery that's on the same strip that sold vegan treats," she said wistfully as though she were remembering a past life and wishing she had lived more in the moment then. A long pause fell over them as she took a long drink of her water and finished the glass. "I would have taken you there. I would have asked if I knew you were interested in a friendship or more but I was dealing with...my own issues," her voice strained, having to admit her shortcomings, "but I think, as wrong as it may be to say, we're here because you need someone to make you feel or forget. And those are your words." She finished with a shrug and felt like Rachel could do better and swore that idea was somehow laced into her tone.
"Quinn," Rachel said sadly and was struck with the realization that the girl who seemed beyond her years was drastically off base because it seemed like she was using her. It was a painful consciousness that hit her like cold water in the face...or a slushie. She looked at this woman, really looked at her and saw how tired she was. It was a conundrum she could still remain poised and graceful while she moved her indew finger around the rim of her glass and looked disconnected from the situation. It was starting to make her head hurt at how much of a mess this was. She backed Quinn into a corner and manipulated her in little ways. Make me forget were her words. Of course Quinn could take them to mean she was being used. "No, no,'' she said as she got out of the chair and moved around the island so she could stand right next to the taller girl. "No...oh Quinn," she said with a strain as she felt her throat constrict as she reached out and pushed the few strands of hair that fell over hazel eyes. For a second she couldn't breath when long fingers grasped around her wrist and conflicted eyes looked back at her like she couldn't decide for the life of her to pull Rachel's hand away that was resting on her cheek or let her keep holding her face.
It struck her, not like lightning and not like a truck, those would too soft, and Rachel cursed at herself for not having this conversation with Quinn earlier. She was a woman but under the facade of maturity was a girl who was sweet and had once considered taking her on a date. Beneath the insults and cruel comments was a girl who made her feel calm, more centered and less burdened. She saw bits of Lucy but had mostly got to know Quinn and both were considerate in their own hidden, charming ways. "Sweetheart. That's not what I was doing. I'm sorry. This is awful. Oh my god. I must have made you feel awful. Honestly its not about kissing you...I would love to know more about you. And I think I could take years to learn about your favorite books and dreams and what's made you who you are and I'd still want to know more. There's been days when I just want to lay next to you and listen to you talk. As lame as that may be...but you have a wonderful speaking voice and you might feel put on the spot but I would love it if you read a book to me. Its been in the back of my mind whenever I see your bookshelves and,"
Quinn kissed her. Rachel talked and rambled a lot when she was nervous and she tended to say the most heartfelt speeches in a rush but Quinn had never felt that someone really wanted to know her. Maybe after years of being used for someone else's gain that she was inept at reading someone who simply wanted to spend time with her and listen to her.
Lips softly slid together and Rachel's words were cut off but the brunette didn't seem to mind. Tan hands moved further along a pale neck and wove into blonde hair while Quinn pulled the muscular though delicate body into her. To Quinn the smaller girl seemed to exist in opposites, she was strong in spirit but physically she was just so tiny and it prompted the blonde to pull her closer.
"I'm not hungry anymore. Do you want to..." Rachel trailed off, not wanting to ask again. Once was enough. They were doing everything in reverse. Foreplay was suppose to come before sex but she'd already had sex with Quinn. God her head was starting to hurt again.
"I'll be up in fifteen minutes, give or take." She replied softly as she pulled away from the embrace and away from Rachel's arms that were around her shoulders.
Something slid into place. Beyond nervousness, it was fear and it felt solid. She would have to sing if she wanted comfort from Quinn and singing would mean letting the damn open and willingly taking down a wall that contained those emotions she was trying so hard to push back. It was easier to be robotic and refuse to really go through the process of grieving but she nodded and moved to the stairs where she refused to look back at Quinn who was likely cleaning the dishes.
"Hey. Got leftovers?" A smiling Sam asked from behind the corner. The same corner Kurt hide behind and Quinn narrowed her eyes, contemplating if she could remove the damn corner somehow.
"Yeah, help yourself. Do you mind if Rachel touched some?" She asked, unsure. Everyone had their quirks and most people would say yes but Sam only looked at her like she was insane.
"Pfft. I'm a guy. I don't care about that crap. What am I going to catch? Diva...ness? Or something?" He said with a shrug.
"She hasn't been much of a diva lately," Quinn replied without an edge but felt the desire to defend Rachel as she put the food on one plate for the male blonde.
"Yeah, I know...she's more...she's not very Rachel." He frowned but kept looking with joy at the food.
"I'm working on it,'' she mumbled as she pushed the food closer to him and set the wine glasses in the sink. There was a strong feeling she'd come down for a snack in the morning so she'd do them then. Half a portion of pasta, from a box no less, wasn't much. Pulling out a drawer she grabbed a new fork for Sam and gave a tight smile. "Enjoy."
"I'll do the dishes." He offered through a mouthful of food. "This is really good, its only fair." She ruffled his hair as she made her way to the stairs, thankful that there were some good guys in the world, even fewer she imagined after this zombie mess.
Her room smelled a bit like Rachel but she didn't think about it as she grabbed two soft towels. Both light blue and walked across the hallway to Rachel's room. Something caught her eyes and a faint buzzing was heard. A fly was in the house. It was miniscule and for a moment she thought how insignificant it was until she thought about it more and how they were the same way. All her friends were small compared to the earth, the universe...
She felt like a nihilist as she considered that it didn't seem to matter much, her plans for Yale, getting out of Lima... Lima was barren and New Haven seemed like a dream. She wouldn't have to be the popular bitch, she'd have a new start, she even thought she might get a girlfriend in college. One that would likely have dark hair and dark eyes that would hopefully be shamelessly passionate about something. The fly got caught in a web and she watched as an even smaller spider came out from a hiding place and menacingly made its way over. It was a little mesmerizing. She kept watching. It was like the discovery channel to a degree. A cheap version of it anyway. But it was transfixing to watch the struggle until she realized it would die or get away and battle so much in the process. Shaking her head she took the final five steps to Rachel's door and knocked. It opened seconds later and Quinn felt awkward for the first time in ages. Holding out the towel at waist level she offered it to Rachel.
"Thank you." Rachel did the unexpected and leaned up to kiss Quinn on the cheek who lightly blushed.
"Don't thank me yet, you have to perform Miss Berry," Quinn said with a smirk and tried to be amusing but she knew it fell flat when her nervousness came out. She didn't even like taking showers in seperate stalls during cheerleading. Half the time she waited for everyone to be done so she could be alone and she also didn't want to hear Santana and Britt giggle and makeout. Rachel's slight smile fell and Quinn's mood followed but she moved away and walked towards the bathroom, feeling that Rachel would follow.
The room was smaller. With two people it felt uncomfortable. They could move their arms and had enough space to shift around as Quinn turned on the water and adjusted it so it was hot enough. It always took a few minutes to warm up and Quinn straightened up and watched Rachel remove her shirt so she was only standing in her bra and skirt. Her hands were turning white and Quinn moved to take off her scarf. The air was staring to feel humid and a light sheen was settling on Rachel but she shivered. Quickly she removed her shirt in one smooth pull and set it on the sink. It was in slow motion, more than ever before as she reached out and took the small hand and placed her polka dotted shirt on the sink next to hers. When she turned back around Rachel had her arms wrapped around herself, containing her nervousness though it came off in waves.
"Pretty girl, its okay. Just pretend its a broadway stage and you're doing a scene. A scene you've done a hundred times already." Quinn tried to help her out as she unhooked her own bra and let it fall to the ground. Its not like she really needed bras sometimes and Rachel's were slightly larger and better so the urge to cover herself was there but instead she moved to the shower and fought against the desire to cover her torso when she still had to take off her pants. Her back tensed when she straightened and even further when she felt Rachel's cool fingertips touch her abs. The flinch was instinct and she looked at Rachel who instantly seemed worried. "Cold hands," she said with a small smile she hoped in vain would relax the brunette.
"I'll sing in the shower," she said concretely and paused. "Which means," and she took in a hard breath that her lungs seemed to have a hard time accepting. Quinn didn't tel her eyes drift lower though she knew Rachel was removing her bra. The girl's tan arms were behind her back and then came up to her shoulders to slowly bring the straps down. Quinn bit her bottom lip, her teeth hurting her as she looked into brown eyes that seemed to hold all the sadness in the world...what was left of it. She was enamored with brown eyes until she felt chilled fingertips along her lower stomach and a pop to the button of her jeans. It took a second until Quinn was helping Rachel take her pants off. She still stood and gracefully kicked off the jeans. To Rachel it was graceful and She was glad she was wearing a skirt because she was certain she'd likely fall if she tried the same feat. Quinn's blue underwear seemed perfect. She thought they would be red. After all she was standing with the head cheerio, but the blue was beautiful against her pale skin.
With a release to the zipper her skirt fell and again she reminded herself to breathe when Quinn was still focused on her eyes. And it was the delicate way she moved into her, held her and rubbed her cheeks with her thumbs that made Rachel feel less exposed even as she took off her underwear. The small window in the room was giving enough light for them to see one another but it wasn't sharp. It was growing darker and soon she wouldn't be able to see the gold in Quinn's eyes unless they laid in bed by candlelight later. She hooked her own thumbs into the only material Quinn was wearing and brought them down, only to squeeze the strong muscles in her legs on the way up. Quinn was strong but soft and she loved it. She wasn't about to deny it if anyone asked her.
It was a change. Quinn was holding her face and softly resting her wrists near her neck while her own hands were holding the taller girl's waist. Different but wonderful and it made Rachel feel less unaware. She was holding this person and she was being held as well. It wasn't abstract and it wasn't happening to someone else, this was her life. Music used to be her life and Quinn was asking her, whispering for her to sing. One word and with a gentleness that she knew no one thought Quinn had except for her daughter. Sing.
Slowly she turned and stepped into the shower. The plastic curtain felt cheap and inorganic. Nothing like Quinn. She wanted to be touching Quinn. When the blonde stepped in she was immediately touched but in such an innocent way that made Quinn relax. Rachel was holding her hand between their bodies as the water washed over them. They stood still for a minute, one of the longest minutes they'd shared and Rachel inhaled the steam. "Ready?" She asked hazel eyes who nodded back at her. The brunette closed her eyes and was thankful Quinn settled against her, their bodies fitting and hands wrapped around eachother, resting against their chests.
"Losing the star without a sky
Losing the reasons why
You're losing the calling that you've been faking
And I'm not kidding
It's damned if you don't and it's damned if you do
Be true 'cause they'll lock you up in a sad sad zoo
Oh hidy hidy hidy what cha tryin to prove
By hidy hidy hiding you're not worth a thing
Sew your fortunes on a string
And hold them up to light
Blue smoke will take
A very violent flight
And you will be changed
Sand everything
And you will be in a very sad sad zoo.
I once was lost but now I'm found was blind
But now I see you
How selfish of you to believe in the meaning of all the bad dreaming
Metal heart you're not hiding
Metal heart you're not worth a thing."
Quinn couldn't take it. Those lyrics. She knew that song and she wished she could take the condition back that Rachel wouldn't sing because she was crying now. Rachel's voice was raw. Brutally and painfully bare. Fuck, that was a song from her ipod and Cat Power had never sounded that broken. Believe it or not. Metal heart. Rachel didn't have a metal heart. She knew the smaller girl was going to repeat the next line but she couldn't let her. Of all the people in the house who had a metal heart Rachel didn't even make the list. Sam was right, she was less like herself, but she wasn't heartless! and oh the fucking irony that she had told Shelby she was heartless.
"Stop. Rachel. God. No." It was disjointed. She didn't know what Rachel would sing but it wasn't THAT. Pretty girl, you...you have worth. You have a heart," she said and pressed her hand over Rachel's chest where her heart was strong and kept safe in its chamber. She wasn't helping Rachel at all. Failing, she was failing her and felt like such an arrogant, horrible person for thinking she could alleviate the overwhelming emotions.
"You asked me to sing. I sang," Rachel said with a frown and sounded empty. If the brunette could have sounded anything like a soldier it was then.
"Rachel, you're a good person. You're the best person I know. Its why it was annoying to be around you in school, having that self-righteousness thrown back at me when you're in fact BETTER. You are good." She stated again. "Kind hearted," she said with a squeeze to the small hand in hers. Tears were in brown eyes and although the stream of water was mixing with them she leaned down and kissed them away. Salt was definately there and Quinn still felt inadequate that this was all she could do but Rachel clung to her stronger. Held tighter. Arms wrapped around her waist again and pulled her in as she felt Quinn's lips on her face. Tilting her head down she brought their lips together and heard Quinn gasp. She shocked Quinn, that much was obvious as she kept sliding her hand up and down a pale back while the blonde slowly pressed Rachel against the wall. She moaned at the feel of the taller girl against her, solid, feeling alive and shut her eyes tighter when Quinn pulled back and whispered, "You have a good heart."
Hell it hurt, it was too much. Quinn was being sweet and really there wasn't any difference between Lucy and Quinn anymore. Rachel needed to leave the comfort. She didn't deserve it. She had killed Puck, she didn't have anything to say at his funeral, she wasn't keeping them safe and it was choking her. Regretably she gently pushed Quinn away who let her be pushed. The distance was vast. Four inches between them and Rachel only increased it as she stepped out of the shower. Quinn stared at the blank space Rachel was previously in. It was like she blinked and she was gone. Just a wall. A white wall that wasn't anything like tan skin.
The door opening and shutting drew her out of her mind. It was fast. Like ripping off a bandaid only it felt like some part of her was amputated. She was standing naked in the shower and it was the second time Rachel left her. Punching the knob with the side of her hand she groaned. How did she manage to feel more tense after a shower?
Toweling off she grabbed her clothes in a pile and walked with steadily rising anger to her room where she threw her clothes on the made bed. Whipping the hair away from her eyes she placed her hands on her hips. Old habits died hard and the cheerleader stand always came when she was this livid. For five minutes she stood stiffly and tried breathing through her nose and out her mouth. When a shiver went through her she threw off the towel and went to the closet to grab a thick grey and white stripped sweater. She put on black boy shorts and comfortable yoga pants next and put the rest of her clothes in the laundry. Bras were annoying sometimes and she was planning on spending the rest of the night in her room. Naturally she nixed the bra. Throwing the covers back she got into bed and glared at her books. What little escapism they provided wasn't cutting it but she took the last poetry book she was reading from her side table and focused. She didn't have the energy to talk to Rachel and there was always tomorrow.
Her neck was stiff when she woke. It had to be around midnight she reasoned and looked at the watch she kept on the table. Squinting her eyes she saw it was past one am. The glow in the dark features were helpful and she had stolen it for that reason because it didn't suit her at all. It was bulky and masculine and sometimes she wished she had fought for her grandmother's watch instead of Frannie getting it. Her stomach growled and grumbled its demands. She grunted as she got out of bed and her ankles cracked. Walking bare feet down the stairs wasn't very smart when she stubbed her toe on something. "God damn it,'' she whispered. Finally she made it to the kitchen and took everything out she needed. Minutes later she had cut the peanut butter and jelly sandwich in half to make a neat triangle and almost had a heart attack when Rachel asked quietly, "What are you doing?"
"Making the ideal snack that's perfect at any time. Unlike you I can't ignore the need to eat," Quinn jabbed.
"I can see that and am not inclined to disagree. What I meant was...why are you avoiding me?" Rachel whispered.
"Can you blame me? You keep leaving when I'm trying to help you. I don't think I'm going to make you happy, but less depressed would be an improvement." She said point blanky and Rachel bit the inside of her mouth, realizing this was lawyer-Quinn.
"Its not you. There isn't any possible way to say this, but I feel and think it needs to be said. And you're very capable of duality since I've witnessed you be sweet and incredibly fierce in the same hour...or minute even..."
"Rachel, say it,'' Quinn said tiredly and pushed the plate away from her with half the untouched sandwich on the plate to Rachel. The anger was coming back and with that her desire to eat vanished but she watched Rachel eye it, slowly pick it up and hold it in her hand. But instead of a pause from the conversation Rachel actually took her lead and kept talking.
"You're the only person I would ask because...you'd make a beautiful angel of death...it would be quick and easy..."
Quinn's eyes widened, somehow intrinsically knowing where the conversation was going.
"No. Absolutely not." She said without any room for debate and Rachel frowned back at her. How did Quinn know? Right, she was really smart. This was unlike any conversation she'd had with her exes. She could talk circles around them and here Quinn was steps ahead of her. Yale was right to welcome her with open arms.
"Why?" Rachel asked with a challenge. It was her life. If she was ever bitten she'd want Quinn to kill her.
"I know what you would look like as a zombie. I have a very strong and sickening image of what you could become and I'm not going to let it so DROP IT." Quinn said with so much anger that the whisper and calmness was gone.
"How would you know?" Rachel asked with a deeper frown and curiosity.
"I saw Shelby." She said without emotion and clenched her jaw. "You both looked a lot alike when she was...and I have a strong point of reference what you'd be like as a U.D."
"She's a U.D.?"
"Not anymore."
"What do you mean, not anymore? There isn't a cure that we know of...which means...you..."
"Shelby's dead. I shot her in the head. She was a god damned zombie, Rachel!" She finally yelled. Her voice raising but not enough to wake anyone.
"For a Christian you take god's name in vain a lot..." Rachel said without emotion, trying to come to terms that Quinn had killed her birth mother.
"Well I'm not a Christian. Not when the poster boy for god fearing mortality, Russell Fabray, strangles me. And do NOT label me,'' she said with narrowed eyes.
"You..." Rachel was at a loss for words.
"Yes, I killed your mother. You can stop telling me I don't know what it feels to kill someone. She was someone we knew." She paused and thought it over. What Rachel was asking her and trusting her to do. To end her if she was changed.
Quinn thought of saying three words to Rachel, how she wanted to in the shower but it felt like something was holding her back. She couldn't remember the last time she said them to someone who wasn't her daughter. She said she loved Beth, but she had never said the words to someone else in a long time. Everyday she thought them, everyday they passed through her mind about her daughter, but with Rachel she chose to love Rachel. It was hard and it threw her-challenged her. Loving Beth was easy, but it was different. She would have never imagined she would have yelled at Rachel and walked away when she thought the question would be something along the lines of her other ones-can I sleep in your bed?
"What the hell is easy about that? Killing you?" The nerve of Rachel. The audacity! "I love you and you ask me to do that? No! God damn it. Its freaking late and we've said enough." She moved from behind the counter and left the plate there. Every movement was abrasive and matched her harsh words, but Rachel shouldn't have asked that. The sandwich was left and if Rachel didn't eat it someone would but she wasn't thinking about that. She practically ran up to her bedroom and refrained from slamming the door in an immature gesture.
Love was something worse than instinctuals. Admitting to love was worse than any fucking zombie she had come across. Saying I love you when you know that person doesn't love you back made a horde of U.D's seem like a walk in the damn park on a nice fucking spring day.
Author's Note: I think Idina Menzel is wonderful and incredibly talented but killing Shelby worked for this story so try not to send me hate reviews. Merci.