A/N: Heyyy guys, how are you? I just finished this chapter, didn't have time during the week with studying for college and a frustrating writer's block, but here we are, your regular Sunday chapter is uuuup ;) Really hope you'll like it, things are getting even more confusing for our favorite squad ;)
Lieutenant Myst: Thank you so much for the review, I thought it would be interesting to add a deceased character in Sasha's series of letters (and I miss Ymir so much, she was cool). Take your time with your story, I'll make sure to read Chapter Two whenever you post it :D
This fic contains SPOILERS about the Attack on Titan manga and especially the Marley arc, particularly concerning that GODDAMN Chapter 105 and the actions of a certain suicidal bastard.
The title is inspired from a quote of William Shakespeare's Antony and Cleopatra "In time we hate that which we often fear"
Disclaimer: I do not own the Attack on Titan universe or the 13 Reasons Why TV series, which inspired this story
Jean has barely processed this question concerning Sasha and his quick judgment for her actions, when a slight commotion coming from the shooting range catches his attention; mostly voices, a panicked one and some other, calmer ones, talking simultaneously and sounding as if something serious is bothering the recruits who are training there.
"Seriously, if they're arguing for nothing again…" He mumbles as he stands up to approach them, carrying the now closed box in his hands, Ymir's envelope neatly placed in its proper series, between Historia's letter and the sixth one, whose receiver he doesn't know yet.
Still, no matter the questions going through his head, he can't help but feel guilty for the younger members of the Survey Corps, whose voices draw nearer as he walks towards the training grounds. Lost as he is in the newest revelations since yesterday, worrying about Historia and Connie, trying to guess Zeke's intentions and to suppress his anger towards Eren, he hasn't even thought about how the newcomers are facing the current situations. Most of them went through their very first battle in Marley, only a month ago, and surely they have difficulties to copy with that; others haven't even fought once, joining the Scouts after their return from Liberio as new recruits or transferring from the Military Police and the disbanded Garrison.
Some Commanding Officer you are, Jean, forgetting to look after the rookies…as if you've forgotten what it means to be a rookie yourself, he mentally scolds himself because he remembers too well what it means to enlist in a new military branch in the middle of a war with all odds being against you; he has been through this process twice; first as a twelve-year-old in the Cadet Corps when he dreamed of Wall Sina and then as a fifteen-year-old in the Scout Regiment when he wished to avenge his friend and fight for everyone's freedom.
"Hey, will you stop being so hard on yourself, already? You carry too many burdens as it is, your guilt will only break you more!" There it is again, his inner voice that visits him so often lately, the voice that sounds so much like Sasha that it pains him almost as much as when she got shot…as if someone is playing a cruel prank on him…not allowing him one moment of rest. Hell, he knows it's a result of his subconscious, but right now the voice in his head almost sounds like Sasha when she told him that he needed to stop being so rude and actually open up to people.
Too many burdens…how about the burden you gave me, Sasha? He wonders, for the thousandth time, why everyone is so persistent that he needs to understand and whether it has something to do with what Sasha says in her letters or with something else.
He finds three recruits gathered around one of their comrades; a boy around fifteen years old, who's grabbing his head in his hands and desperately tries to take deep breaths in order to calm down, to no avail. His friends, a boy and two girls, are giving their best to give him some courage, one by patting his back, one by whispering encouraging words and the other by keeping curious bystanders away, since the scene has caused several glares from the rest of their comrades.
Why the hell are they staring as if it's a pleasant sight? Jean sighs at the teenagers' recklessness and quickly shoots them an angry and demanding glare, making them disperse and return to their training. Only then does he focus on the panicking soldier, gesturing that there is no need for them to salute.
"What's your name?" He gently wants to know, his calm voice contradicting the boy's distraught state.
"S-Stefan Bauer, C-Commanding Officer," the young recruit replies between his attempts to breathe normally. "F-Forgive me for r-reacting like that, it's…it's stupid…"
"Stop it! I swear, Stefan, stop with this nonsense, you're not stupid!" One of the girls snaps at her comrade before turning towards Jean with a frustrated expression and her blue eyes filled with tears. "Please, sir, tell him yourself that being afraid doesn't make someone stupid!"
"I'm not just afraid, Lena, I'm also useless!" Stefan intervenes, stopping the Commanding Officer from speaking, although Jean sighs sadly, understanding immediately what the problem is. "I've been training for hours and I barely hit the target, I'm basically dead meat!"
It's started, Jean thinks, contemplating the best way to comfort the adolescent who will be forced to fight against the forces of all nations in an unknown amount of time. The recruits started to realize that they're not merely playing war, they're actually participating in one…it's the moment of growing up, the same one we went through as teenagers as well.
Do they regret joining the Scouts? Do they believe that they enlisted for nothing? He wonders, recalling his own doubts of four years prior when he first joined…when he didn't believe he would survive his first expedition outside the walls no matter how much he tried to appear as brave and composed.
Back after the battle in Shiganshina, Floch accused the Recon Corps of deceiving its recruits. I had thought it was due to shock and of course I don't believe that we're deceiving them, but…but isn't that what I originally thought of them too? When you are a young recruit and you think you're one second before perishing…is that a thought it comes to everyone?
What was Sasha thinking about when she got shot by Gabi and she talked to us about the box and asked for supper? What was really going through her head…since she knew or suspected it would come to this point?
He quickly coughs and focuses back on the four friends, not wanting to drown himself in his qualms about everything they are going through at the moment, knowing too well what it means to be fifteen years old and feeling like an adult…as you see your whole world crash before your eyes and you don't know if you'll be alive in a few months.
"Stefan, try to take deep breaths. Of course you're not stupid, fear is something completely normal. Help him…Lena, right?" He turns towards the girl who addressed him earlier and she nods, kneeling down next to Stefan and attempting to calm his breathing.
"Now," Jean goes on after several minutes, when the boy's breaths come easier and not as shallow as before, "where exactly do you find difficulty in hitting your target? Is this weapon heavy or hard for you to use?"
"N-No, sir, not all…quite the contrary, I'm concentrating too much, I take my time in aiming and yet I can't…!"
And these words, this honest expression of a young soldier who's facing difficulties in training, travel Jean to a memory he recalled only today, before he started reading Historia's letter, and a small smile of relief appears on his face because now he knows what is the best advice to give to the confused teenager.
"Maybe that's what holds you back…the fact that you hold in order to aim." He states, trying not to chuckle at everyone's perplexed expression, since they all think aiming properly is paramount. "If you aim during practice, you can take your time, of course, but you also stall that way and your hand can lose its strong hold on your weapon…and if you miss your target, you can train for as long as you like. Out there, though, during battle, it will only be a matter of seconds."
"And if we delay, the enemy can use it to take us down or attack us faster." One of the boys adds, nodding in recognition, and gasps of realization echo from his friends' side, while Stefan looks at the Commanding Officer, now impatient to hear where this is going.
"That's right. Out there you will need to focus on your target, trust your eye and shoot immediately. You won't have the luxury to wait and aim." Jean concludes, repeating the exact same words Sasha said during her archery lesson and realizing that this is basically what all of them have been doing for years; when in the middle of a battle, you have to act quickly and shoot without having the time to wait for the right aim.
"I've heard these words before."
Everyone turns around, startled due to the new voice that joins the conversation and, as a result of irony maybe, Jean recognizes the red-haired girl Sasha advised that day, the one who was training in archery and also needed to understand that aiming is a luxury during a battle. He barely suppresses the bitter laughter that threatens to escape because, apparently, life keeps throwing him ironies and memories these days, when the only thing he wants is concentrate on the letters and decide with composure what he should do and what exactly he needs to understand.
"Scout Blouse told me the same thing when she trained me in archery," the newcomer explains to the others and they stare at her with wide eyes, surely not expecting to hear the name of the elite soldier who died so cruelly when the battle in Liberio was already over. The girl's voice has a sad tone while she speaks, now addressing the Commanding Officer specifically. "Forgive me, it's just…I miss her very much. She was always kind to me and was an excellent archery teacher."
It hurts…it really hurts…hearing a new recruit speaking so highly about Sasha…realizing how loved she was by everyone and how no one can get over the dark void her death created…while simultaneously knowing such a terrifying secret about her past and fighting against his anger for all the secrecy. It's like Jean's unable to breathe right now, like something's grabbing him tightly and isn't letting him go…he really needs to go away and proceed with the letters, otherwise he'll probably lose it in front of the younger ones.
And man is it already difficult for him to hold back the sudden tears…the unexpected tears that contradict his previous furious reactions.
"You are right, she…she advised you well that day," he therefore comments after coughing a couple of times. "Then…would you maybe show Stefan how exactly you can all shoot better?"
"Of course! Come, Stefan, you'll see it's nothing, you'll get it in no time!"
"Th-Thanks!"
That's how we used to have each other's backs, no matter how much we bickered. Not like now…when we don't know who from the Scouts leaked the information about Eren's imprisonment to the public and turned common opinion against us.
When he enters the building of HQ, intending to report to Hanji about the recruits' training and Onyankopon's plans about their defenses, another commotion welcomes him, this time coming from the mess hall; two people quarreling intently, their voices easily recognizable and belonging to Connie and Floch. Leaving a string of whispered curses—seriously, the tension in the regiment is high enough without everyone's bickering—Jean carefully makes his way towards the room, finding a smug Floch arguing with a fuming Connie, the later looking ready to physically attack their comrade.
"Get a grip, Connie, we need every capable soldier and you slacking off isn't helping anyone!"
"Oh and you will tell me for long I'm allowed to mourn for my best friend's death?"
Ouch! Seriously, Floch? You think Connie's slacking off because he can't get over Sasha's death?
"A death you haven't gotten over yourself despite wanting to prove the opposite," his inner voice speaks again in his mind, but he pushes it aside to focus on the brewing argument.
"You should be more active exactly because you're mourning for your best friend's death! And right now we have two Marley brats captive and no one's doing anything—"
"For the thousandth time, Floch, executing two misled Marley kids won't stop the war, otherwise we'd have thrown them from the airship after Gabi shot Sasha!" Jean chooses this moment to interfere before Connie can reply, making Floch shoot him a glare full of smugness and contempt, although he hastily tries to diffuse the fueled anger. "I know you want some sort of justice, but we can't take it out on two minors."
"Justice? Justice? You think this is about justice, Jean?" Floch spits out, raising his hand when he sees both Connie and Jean ready to object, a sign that he has more things to say. "You still don't get that Marley needs to be eliminated so Paradis can win its former glory and Eldians their freedom?"
"Glory? You think we give a damn about glory, you close-minded idiot?" Connie's voice sounds hoarse from all the yelling, although, as Jean observes him now, something darker and deeper is marked in his expression, worse than him defending his right to grieve for Sasha and he wonders what the hell has transpired. "This isn't just about Marley, it's about the other nations too…they think we're the true enemies and all this because we fought a battle in Marley for the sake of Eren and the ape's plan!"
Ah, yes, of course would the Secret Plan be mentioned, Jean sighs while thinking very thoroughly about his next words, not truly surprised that the discussion has taken this specific turn. Everyone knows that Connie blames Eren for what happened to Sasha more than he blames Gabi and Falco…and everyone knows that Floch shares Eren's opinion on Marley and eliminating the island's enemies.
What truly led to Sasha's death, though? Is it really only the chain reaction Eren and Zeke's plan brought? Does it have anything to do with her abandoning Marley? She wasn't murdered during the battle, though, she died afterwards…so what exactly happened?
"Listen, Floch, I know you are afraid of what Marley will do to us and I know that it's easier for you to see them only as enemies," he speaks as calmly as possible and thank God Connie doesn't protest to his words, understanding the meaning behind them. "But we can't act recklessly, not when everything is against us already."
"Oh, like you are one to talk, Jean," the auburn-haired Scout scoffs and now his smirk is ironic, even cruel, one would say, before adding with venom in his tone. "As if you don't enjoy keeping Eren prisoner…you hate him because you are afraid of his powers and what he can accomplish with them…and Sasha's death gave you the perfect opportunity to lock him behind bars and use him as a scapegoat, right?"
"Wait, what?!"
"Excuse me?!" Jean exclaims at the same time with Connie's frustrated gasp, unable to believe that Floch actually dared to utter these words, the horrible message they are relaying knocking him off guard. "You really think I would use such cheap methods only to frame Eren? That I would use Sasha's death for some stupid personal vendetta or something?"
I may be angry…I may be confused as hell…but I would never, never act like that only to get back at Eren…especially not with Sasha and especially not when I try to figure out her motives myself.
"Regardless of our personal opinion on Sasha's death, Floch, Eren disobeyed orders, abused the Scouts' trust in him and put everyone in danger and he needs to answer for all that!" Connie backs him up and now his rage has almost an energy of its own, reminding nothing of the humorous and sometimes silly way with which he used to solve arguments; now a shell has replaced him, Sasha's demise having broken him completely and, Jean fears, to the point of no return.
"Yeah. Sure. Whatever." Floch shrugs and turns away, shaking his head, as if wanting to indicate that the other two men aren't worthy of his time anymore. "But when the time of the final battle comes, don't come to me to say that I was right all along."
"Don't worry, we won't!" Jean calls after him, but the other one has already taken his leave, closing the door of the mess hall behind him, with the two elite Scouts trying to process everything that they said.
"What the freaking hell was that? What has gotten into this guy?" Jean is the first who breaks the silence after several moments, his voice sounding hollow, soft and yet desperate in the large room; not how he would normally handle a quarrel like that, but Connie knows how hard it is for him to stay composed and therefore it has no sense to pretend otherwise in front of his friend.
"I think I know…actually, I wanted to talk to you about it. Jean…I think Floch is one of the soldiers who has turned against us."
Connie's revelation catches Jean off guard so much, that he needs to sit down, not feeling so well all of a sudden, his head spinning and making him sick. He disagrees with Floch most of the times, that's true, but there's a huge distance between disagreements and potential betrayals…God, as if this goddamn war isn't enough, why can't he get a freaking rest from all the intrigue that's surrounding him?
First Sasha…it needed great effort to admit that maybe she's telling the truth and that she stayed loyal to us…and now Floch? Siding with Eren is one thing, but…but actually turning on the entire regiment?
He remembers the first interactions with his comrade only too well…when he first transferred and was all smug and jested him and Squad Levi for considering themselves veteran soldiers…and then after the battle of Shiganshina, how he got on everyone's nerves with his accusations that the Survey Corps deceived its recruits. Jean had tried to be compassionate back then, believing that this was only Floch's shock and fear speaking—no one stays the same after their first battle he was the sole survivor of a suicide attack that cost even Commander Erwin his life. And then again he was against building an alliance with the anti-Marley volunteers, openly supporting Eren's opinions and then not hesitating to kill innoscent bystanders during the battle in Liberio. And again…the mere thought that he has committed such an act…
Betrayal is one of the worst things someone can do, Jean recalls how Sasha began Zeke's letter, her words oddly fitting to their current conditions as he looks at Connie, who looks worriedly back at him, genuinely guilty for placing such a burden on him.
"Connie…what did you discover?"
"Last night and after Hanji telling us about the events in Wall Sina, I walked around a bit, I couldn't sleep. And suddenly…suddenly I spotted Yelena sneaking around the corridor that leads to the dungeons." Connie explains and lowers his head, knowing that the mention of Yelena's name as part of the conspiracy he's suspecting isn't helping, even though it's something he has to tell Jean so he can decide the course of action he deems the best. "I thought it looked quite suspicious, but I wasn't sure, that's why I didn't tell you earlier."
"And what changed?"
"After leaving the graveyard today I saw her at a secluded corner near HQ, talking to Floch…they looked really nervous and constantly looked around to make sure no one was watching them. They didn't spot me, but I did hear Yelena say that she needs to visit Eren as soon as possible…and Floch added that maybe seeing Reiner might be worth the risk too!"
Reiner?
Yelena and Floch want to approach Eren and Reiner?
Eren for his alliance with Zeke and their plan…and Reiner for his warrior abilities…maybe they think they can recruit him for whatever reason if they talk to his warrior side.
True, Reiner hasn't shown any signs of wanting to turn against Paradis or even accuse them as descendants of the devil like he would in the past...but Connie saying that Yelena and Floch consider him important says a lot to Jean, whose mind is working at full speed in order to figure this out. Reiner lived in Marley for years, was devoted to his mission because he thought that was his duty…and surely his vulnerable mental state is an extra advantage for those who conspire against the Recon Corps.
They surely think that, if they play their cards right, they can convince Reiner that working with them will be the perfect chance for him to take his revenge and free Gabi and Falco!
And then I judge Sasha for her secrecy, when she apparently only moved against Marley and not against us? When she went through all this trouble to leave behind letters explaining the thirteen reasons why she defected?
We knew that the volunteers' motive was uncertain since they followed mostly Zeke's instructions when they arrived here. But Yelena and Floch…
"Jean?" Connie's concerned voice brings him back to reality and he realizes that he hasn't said anything for quite a while. Jean coughs, attempting to calm down, and takes a deep breath in order to share with Connie what he has in mind.
"We shouldn't tell anyone yet…except Hanji and Levi, of course," he says and Connie nods in agreement. "And let's keep an eye on both Yelena and Floch for the next period of time. If they're planning something, they'll probably act before Eren's trial in a couple of months…and we need to find out what's going on before then."
"Got it."
More things to figure out…damn it, will this vicious cycle ever stop?
Wait a minute!
Sasha mentioned the volunteers in Falco's letter…she said she started overhearing conversations in order to find out what had happened to him. Which means that she wrote the letters after their arrival here.
Is it possible that she discovered something about them in the process?
And does it have anything to do with me needing to understand everything?
"Connie," he hisses in an attempt not to start yelling due to all odds being against them and the despair that's slowly overwhelming him, "is it okay if you go and talk to Hanji about it, since you're the one who discovered this? I'll talk to her as well, tomorrow, it's just…there's something urgent I need to do tonight."
I must proceed with the sixth letter right now! While we have time before we all sink.
A/N: Hohoho, it seems that things are getting more and more urgent, bahaha! Do you think Letter Six will shed some light to the mystery? And who could it be addressed to, hmmm? Questions will be answered next Sunday, until then I wish you all a very happy Christmas! :D :D