Chapter 10

Lexi didn't know exactly how long she lay sobbing into the pillow before her tears ran dry or how long she lay alone in the dark, staring absently at the ceiling fan slowly whirring above. At first she'd tried to convince herself that Roman hadn't meant what he said. Only the more she thought about it, the more she realized just how right he'd been.

Ever since the accident, she'd kept everyone at arm's length. She'd never wanted to feel that kind of pain again. Then Roman came along and turned her world upside down. He'd refused to allow her to hide from her feelings, had broken down her walls and shown her that she could indeed love again. Yet despite giving him her heart, she hadn't been able to fulling give him her trust. Yes, she'd told him she knew he wouldn't cheat and she knew he wouldn't. She believe it, but believing it, didn't dislodge the fear or the paranoia

She rolled onto her side and stared at the soft glow of light peeking around the edge of the curtains. It must be near dawn, she half considered as her bleary gaze focused on the small pattern the light created on the carpet. She wondered if he'd managed to sleep?

Would he want to see her? Talk to her? After the blowout they'd had last night she highly doubted it. Who could blame him? She'd brought this entire situation on herself. He was, after all, right about everything he'd said. Somewhere deep in her subconscious she'd been doing exactly what he accused her of and because if it, she might have just lost the best thing that ever happened to her.

She slid her other hand down over her abdomen and thought about how her inability to trust would now affect their unborn child. Roman wanted the baby and she had no doubt he would be there for their little one, but would he still be there for her? Lexi closed her eyes and swallowed hard as a tear trickled down her face. "I'm sorry," she whispered.

Her mind churned now, pumping out possible scenarios for her future. One included the addition of another woman that had her heart shattering against her chest. If she couldn't find a way to give him all of her, not just her love, but her trust too, she would eventually lose him to another woman. Then Eva Marie's image came to mind and Lexi's stomach lurched in response. While she doubted he'd ever entertain Eva, another woman just like her could easily take Lexi's place.

This child would tie her to Roman for the rest of their lives. How in the world would she handle seeing him with another woman? Knowing that some other woman was now the recipient of his love? The overwhelming need to cry sprang forth yet again and Lexi pressed a hand to her already pounding head. Her stomach began to churn and the need to vomit burned in her throat. She scrambled off the bed. Dizzy from lack of sleep and the sudden movement, she stumbled, smacked into the wall and knocked off a picture that crashed to the floor.

She barely made it into the bathroom before she dropped to her knees and purged. Dry heaves claimed her body, causing violent wracking shudders. Blackness ebbed around the edges of her vision as her stomach tightened like a vice a second time and she gagged.

Regret was one powerful emotion, Roman decided as he lay on the couch with his tattooed arm covering his eyes. Doubts, heartache and sorrow crept into his thoughts as he replayed last night's fight for the hundredth time. How could he have yelled at her like that? Especially in her condition? Wasn't it his job to look out for her? Protect her? He smirked. Hell of a job he'd done accomplishing that task.

A thud from up stairs immediately followed by the sound of glass breaking had fear skittering up his spine. He bolted off the couch. "Lexi!" He took the steps two at a time, raced down the hall, slid to a stop in front of the bedroom, flung open the door and felt the tight fist of panic when he spotted the bed empty.

The sound of retching pulled him toward the bathroom where he found Lexi on her knees, leaning over the toilet. Slowly, he moved in behind her, gathered up her hair.

When she finally managed to set back, she was unable to hold herself up and sagged against the vanity. Her eyes were puffy, as if she'd recently been crying and she was frightenly ashen in color. "I'm sorry," she murmured. "I'm so sorry. Please don't leave."

"No." He pulled her against him, cradling her in his arms. "I'm not going anywhere," he replied as fear tickled the back of his throat. Dear God, what had he done to her?

"I love you," she said so softly Roman almost missed it.

"I love you too, baby." He scooped her into his arms and made his way back to the bed. Careful not to jar her anymore than necessary, he placed her on the bed, then crawled in next to her. She turned to him, buried her face in his chest. "I'm so sorry."

Feeling every bit of the heel he played on television, he stroked a hand along her back. "I'm the one who should be sorry.."

"You're right," she finally said after a short silence.

"About what?"

"I was being unfair to you." She pulled back and rested her head on the pillow. Her red, swollen and sad eyes stared up at him. "I wasn't doing it on purpose." She reached out, her cold and shaky fingers skimmed across his jaw. "I would have never hurt you on purpose."

"I know you wouldn't and I'm so sorry I yell at you last night," he leaned over and pressed a soft kiss to her forehead. "I was hurting and I took it out on you."

"I know you were," she replied. "But the sad reality is, we both needed it to happen. We needed to get this out in the open." She sighed and let her hand fall away. "I cried...a lot...after you went down stairs."

"I know." He skimmed a finger along her cheek. "I can see it in your eyes."

"I didn't cry because you were angry though," she clarified. "Yes, it upset me that you were angry with me." She closed her eyes. "I hate when you're angry with me."

"Baby, open your eyes."

She did and stared up at him. "I'm not angry anymore."

A sad smile tipped the edges of her lips. "I know, but I'm angry with me and I cried because I thought I'd screwed up our future. I cried at the idea of our baby being born into an already broken family, at the idea of seeing you with some other woman."

Her voice cracked and so did his heart. "Lexi-"

She shook her head, cutting him off. "It made me realize that the reality of my actions would be so much worse than anything my fears could dream up." She sucked in a shuddering breath. "You are my life, Roman. You and this baby and I don't want to lose what I have, because of what never could have been or what might never be."

"You're not going to lose me, sweetheart. You're my life too. As angry and hurt as I was last night, I would never have left." When she opened her mouth to speak and his shook his head. "Let me finish. I said things I didn't mean last night. I said them on purpose, to hurt you, and I'm so, very sorry."

"They needed to be said," she replied. "It made me see what an idiot I was being." She paused and reached for his hand. "You know," she said idly. "I was seeing a therapist after the accident. Then I got to a point where I thought I was better." She laced her fingers with his. "I'm not better, but I want to be. I want to be for your and our baby, so I'm gonna start seeing a therapist again."

A small smile tipped his lips as he stared at their interlaced fingers. He knew just how difficult it was for her to admit she needed help. For her to willingly see a therapist was so huge. "I'll go with you if you want."

Finally, blessedly, she gave him a full on smile. "I would like that...a lot."

With a certain amount of resolution to their issue, he settled down next to her. A sudden and desperate need to rebuild the bond he'd broken last night poured through him and he tugged her close. "Have you slept at all?"

She shook her head and snuggled against him. "Couldn't sleep," she murmured, even as her eyes drifted closed. "Don't sleep well without you."

"Well, sleep now, sweetheart. I've got you and I promise I'm not going anywhere."