Meredith

I needed to see her.

I'm not really sure why I needed to see Addison Sheppard so badly but I just knew I had to. So this is why I waited till I knew everyone would be gone for the day. I saw Derek leave about ten minutes ago. He was finallypersuaded to go home and get some rest.

I looked around me as I walked down the halls of the hospital. I don't know why I'm so paranoid all of a sudden. I step up to the closed door and peer into the small window and look into the room. The lights are on low and the television in the far corner of the ceiling is on. It appears she's watching cartoons.

As quietly as I can I push the door open. Addison turns her head at seeing the door open. If she was surprised to see me she didn't show it. She merely switched off the television and turned her attention to me.

"Uh, hi," I say shutting the door and stepping into the room

She raises her eyebrows at me.

"You're probably wondering what I'm doing here."

No reaction. I move further into the room and to one side of the bed. She follows me with her eyes.

"I wanted…needed to talk to you. I wanted to apologize to you, not that it will probably make you feel any better. I just...feel guilty for all of this stuff that's happened recently and with certain truths coming to light I feel even more guilty and," I trail off as I realize that I am babbling

"No...need to...apologize," Addison gets out with a shrug

"I think I do."

"Why?"

Why? Why was she asking me why?

"I had an affair with your husband."

"Yes."

I sink down into the chair next to her bed and sigh, "Everyone always thought that you were the one to have the affair. I mean it was a fair assumption since that's what Derek...Doctor Sheppard thought."

"He didn't...know truth."

"Which is really bad and it makes my guilt all the worse."

She raises her eyebrows to this.

"I know I'm not responsible for his reaction to catching you with his best friend. I am responsible for all of the things you've been called around here."

"Satan. Evil."

"Yeah, I was a little upset with you."

"Ya think?"

I smile at this as the woman before me takes a deep breath.

"I forgive him...I forgive you."

Can it really be that easy. Can she forgive that easily?

"It's done...moving...on."

I nod my head to this, "The two of you are going to take another go at it right?"

Addison nods, "Love him."

"So I realize."

I am awarded with a radiant smile from the woman before me. I don't think I ever noticed how beautiful this woman is. I always looked at her as the enemy, competition. Not as the woman that Derek Sheppard has loved for more than half his life, the woman that would have had his child.

"Why staring," Addison asks me

With a start I realize that I had been staring at her for a moment or two in total silence. I laugh nervously to this. Do I really want her to know that I was just thinking about how beautiful she is?

"Doesn't matter," I comment with a smile, "I should go and let you get some sleep."

She shrugs her shoulders, "Yeah."

I make no move to leave and she raises her eyebrows again, "Is your hair naturally red?"

She gives me a quizzical look at this seemingly out of nowhere question.

"It's just Derek never seemed the type that would like redheads is all, not that there is anything wrong with redheads it's just that..."

"No...not redhead."

"You aren't."

"Blond."

Oh that's not fair. She is a bombshell as a redhead. I could just imagine what she would look like as a blond.

"You're a natural blond," I ask with some disbelief

She nods her head, "Like red better...as does Derek."

"I just bet he does."

Addison smiles again and I find myself really liking that smile.

"Do you...still love Derek?"

I straighten a little at this question. I should have been expecting it frankly but wasn't really prepared for it.

"No," I answer after a moments contemplation, "I don't believe I ever really was."

"Yeah?"

I nod to this, "Time away from everything certainly gives you a new perspective on things. You know?"

Addison nodded her head at me.

"With that time away I was able to think on his and my relationship, if you can call it that. We got together the very first night he got to Seattle. If I had stood back and taken a look at it then I would have realized that I was a rebound relationship...well that and if I had known he was married would have helped."

"Would have been. Question?"

I raise my eyebrows as Addison takes in a deep breath and licks her lips.

"If you had...known...would you have..." she was having trouble getting her question out and I had a feeling I knew what she was going to ask

"I don't know," I answer before she could finish her question, "I'd like to think that I would have ended the whole thing then. I mean the guy was still married even if he was "separated"."

"Honesty," Addison comments with a smile

I find myself returning her smile. I don't know why I ever thought this woman was evil. Well her cheating on her husband with his best friend was probably the reason, but I was uninformed, as was Derek. We were all uninformed and this wonderful woman received horrible treatment because of a misunderstanding.

While I was in Ireland I was able to get that perspective that I needed. Meeting a guy in a bar wasn't really how I pictured meeting the love of my life. Him being my superior wasn't a part of that either, and most importantly, neither was him being married

"You know something I just realized," I ask her

She raises her eyebrows to my question, "What?"

"I don't know anything about you."

"Just...now realized?"

I smile at that, "Yes, I'm slow sometimes."

Addison just shakes her head to this with a smile.

"I mean I know that you and Derek have known each other for twenty years. That you've been married for eleven of those years. That's about it actually, well now I know you are a natural blond."

"I'm...private."

"I noticed."

"Not a lot...of people...know...a lot about me."

"Why not?"

Addison sucks in a breath and lets it out slowly, "I have...my...reasons."

I nod to this, "I'm sorry for asking."

She shakes her head, "Don't be."

"I should really let you get to sleep. Do you need anything before I go?"

She looks thoughtful for a moment and then, "Just...leave the light...on."

That seems like a doable request and I nod my head to this, "Okay."

We smile at each other and I can't help but being hopeful at our new understanding that we've forged together. I get up and head toward the door. I leave her room and am walking down the halls when I see Izzie and Christina coming toward me.

"What are you guys doing here?"

"We can ask you the same," Christina comments with a raised eyebrow

"I needed to talk to Doctor Sheppard."

"You didn't like do anything to her did you?"

I roll my eyes at this, "She's fine. I think we've come to an understanding. Now answer my question."

"We can't sleep so we thought we'd come and keep Addison company," Izzie responds with a smile

"Have you guys been able to sleep at all?"

They look at one another and then back at me.

"It's hard to sleep after witnessing...something like we did," Christina starts, "How do you get the image of someone you respect immensely, someone who had become a friend being shot in the head? Basically executed."

That was certainly a good point.

"That reminds me," Izzie said to Christina, "Doctor Fielding stopped me earlier and wanted to know if we wanted to have our appointments together."

"That seems like a good idea."

"You're seeing Doctor Fielding," I asked referring to one of the hospital shrinks

"Bailey is making it mandatory for everyone who saw...what we saw."

"Oh."

"We'll see you later okay," Christina asks patting me on the shoulder

"Sure, later."

They smile at me and continue past me to Doctor Sheppard's room. I can't help the jealousy that flares as I continue on my way. They are all so close to her now. I've noticed it and I've only been back for a day and a half. All of them. Christina, Izzie, George and even Alex. They bonded while I was gone and I do believe that witnessing the shooting together has made them stronger.

I'm happy that they are all friends but where does that leave me?

Hehe, I shall leave it at that for now. Next up: We find out some of the darkness that eats at Addison.