Disclaimer: None of this is mine. All rights belong to the great J.R.R. Tolkien and Peter Jackson.
I've said this before, but it bears repeating, you guys. Ranubis is the best.
The following reports are extracted from the TA 2941 files.
Agent: Gandalf the Grey
Location: Behind a rock
Date: June 20th, TA 2941
Well! This is certainly a turn of events!
Agent: Saruman the White
Location: Isengard
Date: June 20th, TA 2941
Yes, Gandalf?
Agent: Gandalf the Grey
Location: Behind a rock
Date: June 20th, TA 2941
So! As you know, after an episode of typical Thorin pigheadedness, I marched away from the Company for a moment of solemn reflection.
Agent: Saruman the White
Location: Isengard
Date: June 20th, TA 2941
Yes…
Agent: Gandalf the Grey
Location: Behind a rock
Date: June 20th, TA 2941
But I got bored, and I left my Pipe-weed by my pack, back in camp. So I was practicing my fireworks, as I do.
Agent: Saruman the White
Location: Isengard
Date: June 20th, TA 2941
Stop using the Red Ring of Fire to make fireworks.
Agent: Gandalf the Grey
Location: Behind a rock
Date: June 20th, TA 2941
Then, suddenly, I heard this awful ruckus! I went to go look, and what do you know! The Company had gotten themselves captured by Trolls. Probably the ones who had destroyed the farmhouse (and almost certainly eaten its former inhabitants).
That's what you get when you drive your Wizard away.
I hadn't the slightest idea how it had happened, but there were three Trolls in a little clearing, sitting around a cookfire and arguing. And tied to a spit, in sacks, were Dwalin, Bofur, Bifur and the 'Ri brothers! I looked a bit to the side, and the rest (including a furiously un-majestic Thorin) were piled on the ground, also in sacks, only their heads poking out.
It certainly isn't a sight one sees every day. I slipped behind a large tree to observe.
The Trolls were arguing about how best to prepare the Dwarves. They were almost drowned out by the Dwarves themselves, who were roaring battle-cries and insults, beards bristling in fury. I don't know exactly how they hoped shouting about the Trolls' mothers and wriggling like particularly hairy slugs was going to do anything, but that's Dwarves for you.
Agent: Saruman the White
Location: Isengard
Date: June 20th, TA 2941
How are your thirteen Dwarves (and one Hobbit) supposed to face a dragon if they can't defeat three Trolls?
Agent: Gandalf the Grey
Location: Behind a rock
Date: June 20th, TA 2941
We have plenty of time yet. I only need to think of a brilliant escape plan. Which is why I am currently hiding behind this rock, watching the proceedings and strategizing.
"Never mind the seasoning! We ain't got all night! Dawn ain't far away, so let's get a move on. I don't fancy being turned to stone." One of the Trolls just said that.
Ah! I only have to-
"Wait! You are making a terrible mistake!"
What?
Bilbo has struggled up to his feet, still in the sack, his little white face peeping out from the top.
"Uh, I meant with the, uh, with, uh, with the seasoning."
Bilbo, stop talking. I am trying to devise a rescue.
"What about the seasoning?"
Are the Trolls conversing with him now?
"Well, have you smelled them?" Bilbo is shaking, but somehow his voice is still steady. "You're going to need something stronger than sage before you plate this lot up."
Oh! I understand now! Bilbo is trying to distract them! Indeed, if he can keep the trolls out in the open, with the first ray of sunrise… We didn't make camp until extremely late, and the sun rises early this time of the year…
Agent: Saruman the White
Location: Isengard
Date: June 20th, TA 2941
This is ridiculous.
Agent: Gandalf the Grey
Location: Behind a rock
Date: June 20th, TA 2941
The Dwarves are not as quick as I am to realize Bilbo's scheme. They have all started wriggling even more furiously after the sage insult. Now they're yelling at him, of course. I do believe the blond nephew is trying to bite at Bilbo's ankles.
But the Trolls are, somehow, still talking to Bilbo. Though the poor lad is extremely flustered, and obviously didn't plan his distraction very well. I had a much better idea, but I am willing to sit back and supervise, for now.
Bilbo is stammering. "Uh. Th- the secret to cooking Dwarf is, um-"
"Yes? Come on."
"It's, uh-"
"Tell us the secret."
"Ye- yes, I'm telling you, the secret is…" An awful pause. Then, "…to skin them first!"
The Dwarves have exploded with another roar of anger.
"Tom, get me the filleting knife."
But the other two aren't quite so convinced.
In fact, after protesting a bit, one of the Trolls has plucked Bombur from the pile and dangled the Dwarf over his mouth, in order to simply eat him alive and raw. Bombur is upside down, his face as red as his hair.
I'm getting a bit sore, crouching behind this rock, but I might as well wait and see what happens next.
Agent: Saruman the White
Location: Isengard
Date: June 20th, TA 2941
I am breathless with anticipation.
Agent: Gandalf the Grey
Location: Behind a rock
Date: June 20th, TA 2941
Bilbo seems to have recovered his voice. I wonder what he's going to say?
"Not- not that one, he- he's infected!"
I must admit, that was not what I expected.
The Trolls have stilled. "You what?"
Bilbo is saying, nodding his head vigorously, "Yeah, He's got worms in his … tubes."
The Troll holding Bombur has just tossed him back into the pile, but before he can grab another, Bilbo is speaking again.
"In- in fact they all have, they're in- infested with parasites. It's a terrible business; I wouldn't risk it, I really wouldn't."
Cue offended Dwarves.
Oin: "Parasites, did he say parasites?" The deaf old healer sounds heartily insulted.
The brunet prince is simply offended, as if Mr. Boggins has done him some great injustice. "We don't have parasites! You have parasites!"
All of the Dwarves are chiming in, roaring that they certainly don't have parasites, and how could Bilbo think that.
Oh, look! There's a bit of sun just over the horizon! This rock I'm hiding behind is blocking it, though. Do you know, I believe I could just smash it clean in two, and let the morning sunlight hit the Trolls and turn them to stone.
But Bilbo's frantic excuses are simply too entertaining. I'll wait a bit, for a better, more climactic moment.
Agent: Saruman the White
Location: Isengard
Date: June 20th, TA 2941
Remind me to never require a rescue from you.
Agent: Gandalf the Grey
Location: Behind a rock
Date: June 20th, TA 2941
Bilbo is rolling his eyes so hard I think he's completely forgotten to be afraid. But, just now, I can see Thorin's eyes widen in understanding. About time.
He's reared back (as best he can, in a sack, and oh! how I wish I had paper to sketch this scene) to kick the Dwarves around him. Even Dwarf skin can feel steel-toed boots, and the Dwarves in the pile stared at their King for a second before realization dawned for all.
Oin is shouting "I've got parasites as big as my arm!" and the brunet prince is suddenly yelping "Mine are the biggest parasites! I've got huge parasites!"
The Dwarves on the spit have also caught on. The 'Ri brothers are describing the horrors of being "riddled" with parasites.
Hmmm. The sun is higher, but not… quite right. Bilbo seems to have it all under control, anyway.
"You think I don't know what you're up to? This little ferret is taking us for fools!"
Or not.
Well, I suppose that's my cue.
Agent: Gandlaf the Grey
Location: The Trolls' Clearing
Date: June 20th, TA 2941
You will be happy to know, Saruman, that I saved the day.
When the tension was at a fever pitch, I clambered on top of the rock and raised my staff high, presenting a very impressive figure, I must say. "The dawn will take you all!" I proclaimed, and then brought my staff down with a crack and a burst of light as the entire rock split in half and sunlight streamed into the clearing. The Trolls shrieked in agony and flung their hands up in front of their faces, but it was too late. There was a sudden silence, and the Company stared in awe at the three giant stone statues that now stood where the Trolls had been.
They cheered for me, Saruman. I expect they'll listen to me more now, after I saved them single-handedly from becoming a Troll's supper!
Agent: Saruman the White
Location: Isengard
Date: June 20th, TA 2941
Congratulations.
Author's Note: Hey, I'm Gandalf. Stealing your loot and your XP.