Hear that other sound? The rattling and clanging noise? That's the AU-train a-blastin' and a-steamin' into the station. All aboard, mateys! (Wait, did I just mix a conductor with a pirate? Yes, yes I think I did. See? Proof this story is sending me insaner than I already am! Huh, apparently 'insaner' is not a word. I guess I already knew that but it doesn't stop me from using it. Insaner, insaner, insaner! Take that, spellcheck!)

I'd be even insaner to pretend I owned the music, books or characters referred to herein.

|XXXII – Nature or Nurture| |Billy|
Artist: Johnny Cash
Song: I Still Miss Someone (Johnny Cash, Ron Cash © 1958)

At my door the leaves are falling
A cold wild wind will come
Sweethearts walk by together
And I still miss someone

I go out on a party
And look for a little fun
But I find a darkened corner
'Cause I still miss someone

Sometimes I wonder if my boy wants something he can't have because he's so used to everything being taken from him. Losing people. Women, specifically.

"Morning Jake."
"Hi Dad. How's the foot?"
"Not too bad today. How's things with you?"
"Ok. I guess. Paul bit my arm last night. Sam bit his ear as punishment. It was kinda funny. I guess."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah. Where's the juice?"
"We're out. Embry came by when you were on patrol last night and I gave the last of it to him."
"Oh. Ok"
"Jake?"
"Mmm?"
"You seem pretty down. How are things? Really?"
"Not good, Dad. Bella... Bad, actually. Worse than normal…"
"How so, son?"
"Well, Bella. UGH, she… Shit, I can't tell you this stuff. It's garbage."
"Go ahead Jake, you can say whatever you want."
"Well, she... she uh, kindlyinformedmeyesterday HE isgoingtochangeher INAFEWWEEKS."
"No. No. Shit, Jake. No that can't be right."
"Oh believe me, Dad, believe me. She meant it."
"I don't know what to say. But I am so sorry to hear it."
"Thanks. I don't really want to talk about it anyway, Dad. Seven people in my head all the time, you know?"
"Fair enough, son. One thing?"
"Yeah?"
"The treaty?"
"Yeah! I fucking know. It's…. UGRH. I'm going outside before I phase in the kitchen again. Sorry, Dad."
"Perfectly ok."

Sarah. His mother. Looking at the statue on my dresser that Jake carved I am aware now he knows what he lost when she died. I used to hope he'd been young enough when it happened that he wouldn't know any different. Fat chance.

"Hi Rebecca."
"Hey Dad! Thanks for calling!"
"Not a problem kid. So how'd Solomon's last round go yesterday?
"Yeah, pretty good, he came third and a big sponsor is sniffing around so we're hopeful for a good contract. What's new in La Push?"
"Oh, same old, same old."
"You looking after yourself?"
"Yes ma'am! Your brother makes sure I don't starve or die or both."
"That's good, glad to hear it. School must be almost finished for the year, he'd be happy about that."
"Yeah. A week left. His grades aren't great this year though."
"What? I thought I told him to study harder?"
"Well he's going through a, uh, rough patch. Which is kind of what I was calling about…"
"What do you mean?"
"Friends. At school and in the tribe. There's some tension. And girl problems."
"Oh, right. So you want me to talk to him?"
"I was hoping you would. You were always closest to him like that. It's hard for him, you know, not having a female figure in his life."
"Yeah, ok Dad. No need to guilt trip me. I'll see what I can do."
"Please Bec? He needs this. I don't know what more I can say to him."
"Dad, I said I'd try. You don't need to get on my case about it."
"Alright. Well, I guess I should go. Gotta visit Harry. Say hi to Solomon for me and good luck with the sponsorship deal."
"Will do. And um, Dad?"
"Yeah Becs?"
"Can you, um, maybe put some flowers on Mom's grave for me sometime?"
"Of course. Love you, Bec."
"Love you too, Dad."

Rebecca getting married and Rachel going to college – well, there's nothing wrong with either of those things. Except they made it so obvious they were escaping here. Which made it feel like they were escaping us too. Not that I blame them. At 18, what else would anyone do?

"Harry, you old bastard! How are you today?"
"Ok, Biwy. Alive. Thatsa start."
"You still sound like you're a drunk! Those drugs you're on can't be too bad."
"Ha. You try talkn outa one sida ya mouth."
"We're a good pair now, eh? My bottom half don't work and neither does your right half."
"Lucka the draw."
"Glad you see it as luck, Harry. More like bad frigging luck if you ask me. How's Leah doing anyway?"
"Now theressome bad luck. Poor gurl. Thinks thisus all her faul. Wone let me tell 'er othrwise eithr"
"Yeah. Poor girl. It's hardly fair on our kids, is it?"
"Nup. Fukn vamprs!"
"You can't be that sick if you can still swear!"
"Soo sez that too."
"Now we all know where Leah gets it from!"
"Hey! I neva swor round the kids. Gave up on tryn ta get Leah ta talk clean long time go tho."
"Haha! If anyone was ever going to make a good wolf, it'd be your Leah. You ever wonder what it'd have been like for us? If we'd phased?"
"Shure. Scaree, fun, noyin, tirin. I wouldna had stroke. Soo sez I woulda ben hotter too. Sumfin bout more muscles."
"Yeah, Sue would have loved you running around on four legs! I can only imagine. I think Sarah… Well, I think she'd have worried too much, you know?"
"You still miss 'er dontcha Biwy?"
"Hell yes. Always, always will. Mortality's a funny thing. None of us think about it until it's too late. But I guess thinking about it doesn't make a damned bit of difference anyway."
"Nah, shure doesn't. We awl still miss her. You just gotta do best you can wiv what you have."

"Oh, sorry Billy. Didn't know you were here. Sue said I could come through to see Harry."
"It's ok, Bella."
"Hi Bewa"
"Hi Harry. I um, well, I just brought you these chewy chocolate chip cookie I know you like. There from me and Charlie."
"Ha. Charlie can't turn an ovin onta save 'is life. Thanks, kid."
"It's ok. I hope you keep getting better. I've got to run but Charlie will be down to see you tomorrow."
"K. Bye Bewa."
"See you Harry."
"Bella?"
"Yes Billy?"
"Can I speak to you before you leave?"
"Of – of course."
"Be back in a minute Harry."
"Shure Biwy."

"Bella how much of my conversation with Harry did you hear before you came in?"
"Well, um, I – "
"The part about Sarah?"
"Uh, well, yes."
"I want you to think long and hard about what you heard Bella. Long and hard. Think about mortality. And love. Think about if you could be the kind of selfless person other people still love and miss nearly ten years after her death. Ask yourself if you are that kind of person."
"Ah…ok... Well, I've got to go now Billy."
"I mean it, Bella."
"We've talked about this before. My business is my business."
"And my son is my business. He used to think you were that kind of person."
"Look, I never asked him to think any particular way about me."
"You didn't give him much choice, Bella. You shoved yourself into his life and then disappeared again twice as abruptly. We all know why. Have you ever thought about what your actions have done not only to Seth but also to Jacob?"
"I – yes. Yes, I have thought about it. A lot. I'm so sorry about Seth and I'm sorry I've hurt Jake. But I never made him any promises."
"Promises are neither here nor there. You were friends and then you just left Jake. Whether or not you ever had any intentions beyond friendship is irrelevant, leaving isn't something you do to a friend, Bella."
"It wasn't entirely my choice. I would have… I want things to be different, I thought maybe…but then I told Jake and now it's just, I don't know… I've really got to go Billy."
"Sure, sure."

And Bella. Little Bella Swan. Jake got so damned close with her only to have her taken away too. Soon she'll be worse than taken. Strange to think that she never minded him being a shifter, a wolf. Sick to think that not only does she want the vampire, she wants to be a vampire. Christ, if only Charlie knew.

A/N – A day in the life of Billy Black makes me want to snorgle him forever, and bake six sugar-free cakes for him, and find a cure for diabetes, and remove all vampires from the face of the earth with a flamethrower. Oh wait…
(Remember what I said about insaner. You startin' to believe me yet?) So instead, I teamed Billy up with the legendary Mr. Cash. I feel like this is some sort of comfort. Johnny was without question the greatest country musician. IMHO. He was a pretty funny dude too. If you ever get a chance, listen to his live albums At Folsom Prison and At San Quentin (The Complete 1969 Concert). His comments in between the songs are nearly as entertaining as the music.

|XXXIII – Angry Bite Snap| |Jake|
Artist: Bonnie 'Prince' Billy
Song: Wolf Among Wolves (Will Oldfield © 2003)

She loves a soul,
That I've never been
A dog among dogs,
A man among men
And every day,
When I come home to her
She holds a phantom,
She kisses and she hugs him
And I am not
Averse to how she loves him
Why must I live and walk,
Unloved as what I am

Why can't I be loved as what I am
A wolf among wolves, and not as a man
Among men

|*| |shes still in love with the prick| |he left her and she still loves him| |hes dead and she still loves him| |hes about a million years old and she still loves him| |he stinks he sparkles hes subzero and she still loves him| |hes going to kill her and she still loves him| |wow thats sick| |and i love her| |aint i just the special wolf|

|indeed you are jakey|

|leah| |what are you doing|

|lurking| |im good at it| |just like everything else i do| which is why you didnt even notice me| |that and the fact that you are an oblivious male| |not to mention you were wrapped up in your usual blankie of misery|

|at the risk of getting bitten i will say you are not very good at being nice leah|

|touche mini-alpha touche| |but to be honest i dont try to be nice| |if i did i would probably be good at it|

|why dont you try then|

|same reason you dont try to get over her jake|

|yeah| |…| |well i dont even know what that reason is anymore|

|its pretty simple really| |its love| |its a bad habit| |its a fear of letting go because the unknown could be worse than this pain| |its anger| |its disappointment in ourselves and in who we thought they were|

|yeah| |i guess it is all those things|

|besides you still have a microscopic chance with her so its not like you can give up on that any time soon| |even if you wanted to give up on it you couldnt|

|fuck off leah| |seriously i dont need that shit rubbed in my face|

|actually jake that was me trying to be nice|

|no wonder you dont try very often if you suck so badly at it|

|you jumped down my throat before i could finish|

|not like you dont do that to the rest of us|

|stop being a precious petty little shit and let me finish jacob|

|ok| |im all ears oh wise one|

|come to think of it your ears are rather disproportionately large when you are a wolf|

|leah do you have something to say or are you just going to insult me|

|stop being so damned sensitive black| |you know as well as the rest of us that you are the best looking wolf in the pack| |even sam admits it when he thinks no one else is listening|

|what| |how do you know what sam thinks| |i thought you avoided his thoughts like four-day-old raw chicken|

|haha| |yeah well unfortunately for me the embargo he puts on his thoughts around you boys is a bit leaky around me|

|man that sucks leah| |sorry to hear it|

|its ok| |he doesnt realise it| |im storing it all up as ammo for some later date| |anyway i was just gona say i think the fact that shes a pale idiot who is making a shit choice but who could still change her mind is also making it impossible for you to let go| |for that i dont blame you|

|dont insult her leah|

|well then dont kid yourself jake| |it is an idiotic choice shes making| |but at least its a choice|

|…|

|yeah you got no comeback for that eh jakey|

|whatever|

|no its not whatever| |its bullshit| |sam me emily| |we never had a fucking choice|

|dont think i havent tried to get her to make a different choice| |but what do you mean sam never had a choice| |he could have fought the imprint harder|

|sure he could have| |but he never had a choice about the imprint happening| |and emily certainly never chose for it to occur either| |doesnt mean they should have accepted it though|

|hmm| |right|

|but at least i have the ever so comforting luxury of knowing it was no ones choice| |you dont| |paleface had the option to pick you and she still hasnt| |so i sort of see how much suckage you have ahead of you| |doesnt mean i really wana hear you go through it though|

|thanks| |that was so heartening| |howd u get so smart anyway leah|

|jake i always was smart|

|true|

|speaking of smart i like that line you came up with|

|what| |which one|

||he stinks he sparkles hes subzero|| |nice alliteration jakey| |im gona use that next time im close enough to a vamp to insult it|

|maybe it should be our cheer or call to arms or something|

|see there you go jake| |you can still joke| |keep up the good work|

|*||did i hear something about cheerleaders|

|no quil|

|no quil|

|oh great its the black queen and her apprentice the master of misery| |i picked the wrong time to phase didnt i|

|fuck off quil| |im finished my shift anyway| |theres nothing on the whole perimeter|

|whole perimeter| |did you run the whole thing|

|yes quil| |twice| |unlike your short fat ass i can actually run| |fast| |*|

|how the hell do you put up with her jake|

|its not so bad|

|huh| |what| |are you mental| |shes doom personified|

|leahs ok|

|you mean her misery is preferable to yours|

|something like that|

|look jake i like bella too| |and none of us like that she's back with the dead douche| |but man you gotta get outta this funk and get better|

|thanks quil but i dont think theres anything that will make me feel better| |i gotta go| |*|

|shit what a sad ass|

|*| |hi quil| |whos a sad ass|

|hi embry| |who do you think|

|jake| |or leah| |and or both|

|correct| |option c| |all of the above|

|oh well| |lets go run this damned boundary again| |race you|

|sure thing embers|

A/N - It's an odd song for sure. If the studio cut didn't do it for you, here's an eerie, haunting live version.

|XXXIV – Speculation| |Bella|
Artist: Kasey Chambers
Song: Little Bird (Chambers © 2010)

But a little bird told me as plain as day
If I changed my name and I change my way
You might come back
If I sell my soul for the greater cause
If I burn my records and I listen to yours
You might come back
And a little bird said in the middle of a dream
If I shut my mouth and I don't make a scene
You might come back
If I crossed my fingers and curl my toes
If I looked liked the other girls
Everybody knows
You might come back
But I don't want you that bad
No I don't want you that bad

-Silence. Broken by the sound of Bella's pen scratching in a notebook.-

Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to be loved just for being Bella, a human, instead for being Bella, the human (who happens to smell fantastically appetising).

Chances are it wouldn't feel too different than this does right now with Edward. It would probably, but not certainly, be very similar. Alas, I do not like uncertainty and I'm a little nervous because it feels like a new unknown is tumbling around in my mind. I used to just be scared of saying goodbye to my friends and parents (and three days of agony) but now... things seem, I'm not sure, minutely different somehow, I guess.

It never once occurred to me that any doubt within me could be so easily encapsulated until I overheard Billy. But no matter, it's only one person's opinion. Still, I should never have told Jake about my plans, although, in my defence, I sort of thought he'd just know. And while I knew he wouldn't be happy with it, I didn't think he'd hate me. Forever. I guess that's what mortal enemies do. Anyway, Edward is due over so I'd better stop all this pontificating.

-Silence. Broken by the non-sound of Edward landing on the floor near the window.-

"Bella, what are you doing at your desk, love? I thought you'd already be in bed by now."

"Nothing. I just opened the window and was waiting for you, Edward."

"But before I scaled the roof I heard you doing something. Writing? Aren't you done fussing over your entrance essays?"

"Oh, well, yes. I was writing."

"What, love?"

"Just thoughts, Edward."

"Thoughts?"

"Yes. My thoughts."

"Bella, I do wish I could read you better."

-Silence. Not broken by Bella thinking no one's ever read her better than Jake.-

A/N - Thaaaat's all folks! Review if you please :)