Disclaimer: I am as the fish, and Yugioh is as the bicycle. (Fish don't own bicycles.)

Chapter 10: Soul-Searching for Dummies

Wednesday morning's meeting with Delicorp had been like a half-remembered dream for Seto. There had been some discussion about opening a new factory and distribution center there in Domino, as well as ideas for finding suitable employees for said facility, but all the details escaped him. He'd been having more trouble focusing than was permissible just lately. He remembered that Werenko guy had seemed to be staring at him, but it could have been his imagination... With no small amount of discomfort, he remembered the haze his life had been when he was younger, when Gozaburo had kept him so sleep-deprived that reality seemed a totally foreign concept.

He'd made it to school for his afternoon classes, trying not to notice that Katsuya was nowhere in sight and that damned Yuugi-tachi kept giving him sidelong glances and whispering to each other. Had Katsuya told them what had happened?

Not likely, considering his thug friend hasn't attempted any sort of assault yet, nor has Yuugi demanded answers with tear-filled eyes...

It was just as well. Even if he knew, deep down, that any beating Honda might try to give him would be the least he deserved and any questions Yuugi might have asked would have been perfectly valid, he hadn't the slightest clue what he could say or do in response. It was really no wonder he couldn't focus on his meetings; his mind was on a stand-by of sorts, constantly making futile attempts at processing the overwhelming amount of new information Sunday night (and Monday morning) had bestowed upon him. Digging through the stacked-up emotions he felt toward Katsuya made running his company and going to school seem quite a bit less difficult in comparison.

Finally, he heard the last bell. Sweeping past the students huddled about the school's entrance, he headed toward his limousine, glad to be going home.

It wasn't exactly that he felt no remorse; it was just that, simply put, he knew it was far from the worst thing he'd ever done. Seto already had plenty to feel like an asshole about, and brooding over the morning-after incident would be ridiculous. It had been an insensitive reaction, surely, and perhaps he'd gone overboard in throwing the paperweight, but it wasn't Death T, or a missile he'd designed, or a lackey whose life he'd cut short, either. It was more important to think about the reasons behind it.

He'd just wanted some time alone, to think! Was that so wrong?

Hmph. Some time alone, eh? That's rich, old boy. You still can't admit how scared you are, can you? How sad. How exquisitely pathetic.

Seto scowled at the voice in his mind. And who are you to judge, hmm? Jimminy fucking Cricket? You're just as much a part of me as anything else, so keep it to a minimum. No one is confused about what's going on here; I know that I'm terrified, I know I'm a jerk, I can't begin to think of what I'm going to say if Jounochi ever actually gives me a chance to explain, and if he does, I may just die of shock anyway. It may be of some benefit to try and calmly sort this all out, so let's all just have some goddamn SILENCE IN HERE FOR A MOMENT, ALRIGHT!

His wish was granted, if only temporarily, and he climbed out of the limo, walking straight to his office, where he felt he did all his best thinking. He hung his coat neatly on the coat rack near the door, unpacked his laptop, and settled into the familiarity of his padded office chair.

Ahhh.

He opened his laptop and created a new document, determined to examine his situation in a precise and methodical manner. He titled it "Jounochi Katsuya," and divided it into two columns: Pros and Cons. After a moment of deliberation, he decided to fill in the cons first, and set the document to create bullet points for each.

Cons:

- Rash, impulsive; leads to poor decision-making skills

- Poor dueling/negotiating skills; commands little respect

- Reputation of past dealings with unsavory characters

- Currently deals with irritating, if not criminally inclined, characters

- Employment status undignified

He paused for a moment as another swirl of confusing emotions stirred within him. No, those will be dealt with after this process, when I can more accurately connect them to the traits listed. He resumed his list making.

- Disheveled appearance

Is that really a con? He smirked to himself before deleting the point. If he couldn't admit anything else, he certainly knew he found Katsuya aesthetically pleasing. Unable to think of any more, he moved on to the next column.

Pros:

- Likes Mokuba

- Physically attractive

- Endowed with some level of common sense: "street smart"

- Employed

- Has improved tremendously in scholastic attendance/study habits

He sat back in his chair and pressed his fingertips together. He felt he wasn't covering everything, but was unsure how to divide his remaining points into positive and negative features. He moved on to a second page in the document and, removing the columns from it, gave the header:

General Facts:

- Home situation was reputed to be horrific in the past, seems not to be the case any longer (evidenced by improvement in school, demeanor, apparel: job-related?)

- Most recent background check shows father is currently working after long period of unemployment (sickness/injury? No hospital records... substance abuse that has since been dealt with? May also factor into improved home life)

- Finds me attractive

- Makes me angry, confused, ...

He hesitated, then added a final word:

... afraid.

He felt certain that this last point should be included here, and not in the cons, though he could not have readily explained why; it was mainly the fact that emotions, other than a sense of duty and devotion to his brother, had been all but forgotten until Katsuya had come along and reminded him of what they felt like. Though frustrating, he subconsciously found it somewhat of a relief that such things were still possible, especially after all he'd been subjected and subjected himself to in the years before he'd inherited his company. Consciously, though, he simply couldn't be sure if it was a good or bad thing.

Which brought him to the main task at hand: sorting himself out, hopefully once and for all, on this entire matter.

Conclusions:

- We find each other attractive, obviously (considering sexual encounter)

- Although the qualities I would normally consider "respectable" are not immediately apparent, I do have respect for him for other reasons (i.e. perseverance, loyalty, honesty, conviction... even in situations when these qualities are not necessarily to his own benefit)

- Not only likes Mokuba, but showed genuine concern and played active role in his rescue from Duelist's Kingdom, even without premise of personal gain

- Has job, albeit a degrading one... Which may also be only reason for sexual encounter and resulting emotional conflict. No doubt the work is at times infinitely unpleasant, yet has clearly had said job for some time... Why? Well-paying? Not in and of itself a reason conducive to his personality

- I feel acute discomfort relating to aforementioned job... again, why? Instinctual territorialism, perhaps?

- He has the capacity to make me angrier than any other living person on this planet.

He sat back and reviewed. These points were all well and good, but where did they lead? It seemed he'd found more questions than answers. He pondered his last conclusion carefully, feeling that it was somehow incomplete. Why could Katsuya make him so angry, anyway? It couldn't just be his idiocy. Seto had kept his temper with far stupider individuals in far more important situations, and with little effort at that. So, why? How did that anger relate to the confusion and fear?

- He inspires a broader range of emotion in me than any other in my recollection.

A more complete statement, but still not an answer.

He was getting frustrated with this impasse. He slammed his laptop shut and began pacing the room, considering what he'd learned. He knew he found Katsuya attractive, and he knew Katsuya made him emotional... Meaning what? What does that mean? Does it even mean anything?

He thought it must. Perhaps he didn't know what it meant, but it surely meant something. This emotional range wasn't even a recent development; Katsuya had always been able to make him angry, and confused since not long after meeting him, when he'd done the first background check. His switch from "common street punk" to "genuine nice guy" had been so sudden. Seto had met a lot of jerks in his life, but he couldn't recall ever encountering another reformed jerk.

So he's not a jerk anymore, so what? Feeling he'd exhausted this train of thought, he turned his focus to the preceding Monday. He knew he'd initiated the sex; after all, he'd been the one stalking him at the club for three nights. He'd done all the carrying off the stage to his own limousine, he'd instructed the driver to bring them to the mansion. It had all been his idea... which didn't add up to how he'd behaved afterwards.

Why did I lose my temper that morning? He hadn't done anything wrong, per se, nor had he even really had the chance to irk me unintentionally, so, why? All he said was "good morning" if I remember correctly. Why would that make me want him to leave, let alone scare him off with projectiles?

He halted in front of the door, ran a hand through his hair. It wasn't him, then. Couldn't have been. He only followed my lead.

Therefore, if he wasn't the cause, it must have been entirely self-inspired. I was the reason for my reaction.

Well, that was progress. Unfortunately, it left a more frightening question to be answered:

So, then, what the hell is MY problem?

Alright, let's backtrack; why does he scare me? I've never found him intimidating. Quite the opposite, actually. What is it? It is part of his character, or part of my own perception?

When that question led him further into the forest of nowhere, he retreated even further: What do I know about fear?

Fear is an emotion, and besides fear for Mokuba's safety, I've only ever been afraid of... emotions.

Like fear.

Is that it? Because he makes me feel? "Hmm..." he said aloud. Perhaps he'd stumbled upon another nugget of truth. However, it was as far as he would get in his soul searching for the night.

"NIISAMA!" his coat collar yelled from the stand next to him (or, rather, his brother yelled into the intercom which was connected to the speaker in his coat collar).

He pressed his thumb into the small button underneath the speaker. "Yes, Mokuba?"

"Uh, sorry to bother you while you're in your office, but... um..."

"Yes?"

"Well, you've, um, got a visitor, Niisama."

"Who is it?"

"Uh, I'm not sure. I've never seen him before."

"... I'll be right down."

Two nights earlier, while Katsuya slept in her bed, Mai was walking up to meet Mr. Jounochi at his south-side apartment. She'd called him as soon as she was sure Katsuya was really out and told him she had some important matters to discuss with him.

He answered moments after her knock, inviting her in with a look of mild concern. He'd made some tea, and she accepted it gratefully.

"So, Mai, what brings you here? Where's Katsuya?"

"He's okay, he's asleep. He needs it right now." She sighed, and took a deep breath before continuing. "Mr. Jounochi, there isn't any easy was to tell you any of this, so please let me get a few things clear first. I've come to you for a number of reasons, one of which being just that you're his father and I know you're concerned, just as I am, about his well-being."

When you're sober, she thought with an inward grimace. As her anger began to swell from the thought, she felt some part of herself object.

Oh, maybe that's not fair... he's been clean for six months now. Everyone deserves a second chance, right? He's not the same guy who was a shit parent to Katsuya. This guy's worlds away from that one. This is the right thing to do.

The silence stretched on until she remembered herself, smiling politely in response to his inquisitive gaze and continuing. "However, there are things he's kept from you, for good reasons, and I need that concern to be your main focus. If you think you may not be able to take the information I'm about to give you in a mature manner, please tell me right now."

"Oh, I already know he's gay."

Mai paused for a moment. "Well, that's one less thing, then. That's... relevant, I suppose, but... not really the point of the matter at hand."

"Oh?"

"No." She looked at him squarely. "Here's the thing... I need you to give me your word, Mr. Jounochi, that what I tell you here this evening, you will not confront Katsuya about. I need your solemnest vow on this. You absolutely must wait until he comes to you, and you must trust me when I say that, when he's ready, he will."

"Well, Mai, this all sounds very serious..." He sipped his tea with raised eyebrows. "May I ask, though, why you would tell me these things if you feel he'll tell me himself in the future?"

She smiled. "I'm scheming," she said simply, "and I'll need your help to do it... and for you to help me, you'll need this information."

"Interesting." He leaned back into the couch. "Well, you have my undivided attention." Mai looked at him expectantly. "Oh, yes, of course. I give you my word that I will not repeat anything I hear from you to Katsuya, nor otherwise give away the fact that I know anything. Good enough?"

"Mmm," she replied with a curt nod. "Mr. Jounochi, what, exactly, has your son told you about his job?"

"Please, call me Takeshi," he said absently, stroking his chin. "I know he said he works in a nightclub, but I can't say I know which one. He waits tables."

"Right. Well, Takeshi," she smiled quickly as she used his first name, "that's partly true. He does work in a nightclub, but... he doesn't wait tables. He works at the Puppy's Paradise," she said with a meaningful look.

"Oh, yeah, okay, I've heard of that place, it's that queer strip clu... Oh." He swallowed visibly before continuing. "I see. Well." He chuckled weakly. "I was wondering why he was getting paid so well." Mai kept quiet for a while, letting him mull it over. Finally, he spoke again. "My son... must love me very much."

"I'm relieved that you see it that way. Unfortunately, that's just it. He took the job to get you out of debt, and the both of you out of that filthy rat's nest you were living in before. I mean no offense, but you haven't ever been much of a breadwinner up till now..."

"...and crate-picking still isn't enough to take all the expenses on myself," he finished for her.

"Yep. So, you see, then, why you can't say anything."

Jounochi Takeshi sighed heavily, looking somehow older than he had mere minutes earlier. "A rock and a hard place, it would seem. He can't quit, but he can't do it if I know about it, either. He doesn't even know that I know he's gay."

"How do you know, if you don't mind me asking?"

He smiled. "He left a magazine under the couch once, about three months ago... I was vacuuming. Didn't hurt that it don't make much sense for a good-looking boy like that not to bring any girls around. Or talk about any, really, 'cept for you, Mai, but... it never sounded like a romantic thing. I'd had my suspicions for a while, you could say. The porno just confirmed it."

Mai nodded. "Fair enough." She finished her tea and looked at him sympathetically. "There's more."

"I thought there might be."

"Katsuya has recently become... involved... with a young man, and well, it's made things a little more complicated."

"More complicated? How's that possible?"

"Does the name Seto Kaiba mean anything to you?"

To Mai's extreme surprise, Mr. Jounochi burst out in hearty laughter. "Oh yes. I've heard that name once or twice: in the papers, and around here," he said when he'd contained himself, wiping a tear. "But never in a tone that would suggest my boy liked him at all." He leaned over, resting his hands on his knees. "Not a bad catch, I suppose. What's the problem with that?"

"Kaiba is the problem with that," Mai replied with a frown. "We know Katsuya. He's pretty honest with himself. Kaiba... not so much. They had an... encounter... last night, and, well, this morning didn't go well."

He nodded in understanding. "I can see him wanting the day off from school."

"Yeah. I'm taking him shopping tomorrow, and I'd say let him stay home Wednesday, too."

"Sounds reasonable." He thought for a moment. "Do I need to beat this guy up or anything?"

It was Mai's turn to laugh, then. "Nah, I called first dibs already, if it comes to that, but I don't think it will."

"What makes you say that?"

"Think about it. They've been obsessed with each other for ages, way before their hormones got involved. I think there's a chance for 'em, if they don't screw it up. And by them, I mean Kaiba. Not only that, but I think there might just be a way to solve more than one problem at once, here." She grinned her devilish grin. "Since we tricky bastards are gonna get involved."

"You make a good point." He returned her grin with a lopsided one of his own. "Alright, Mai, so, what's the scheme?"

"Ah, yes, the fun part. Well, you see..."

Have you ever seen a major alcoholic who manages to get off the sauce? Literally, different freakin' person. Anyway, till next time, and remember, I love you all.

Biblically.

Just kidding.