A/N: I'm so sorry this took so long to update but I found this chapter really hard to write. This scene between Amelia and Castiel is very dear to me for personal reasons and I just needed to get this right. Amelia's part in Castiel's eventual dealings with his sexuality is a big part of this fic and I probably could have indefinitely fiddled with this chapter in an attempt to keep improving it. If you can't tell, I'm really nervous about this and I hope I dealt with the whole situation believably and it doesn't come across as rushed.
Obviously this will be a Cas heavy chapter but there will be some Dean and I even managed to squeeze in some fluff, because they both needed it. And I have no idea how I ended up with over 7000 words after I just kept staring at a blank screen for days?!
Castiel tried to relax but knew it was a futile effort. He was too high strung, every muscle in his body pulled tight.
They sat in silence for a few minutes, not quite able to meet each other's eyes. The tension was palatable in the air and the physical distance mirrored their emotional state. Castiel wrought his hands anxiously. He had waited all these days to finally get his chance to explain, to beg for forgiveness. Had rehearsed what he would say over and over again during sleepless nights, done his research into therapies and couple's counseling, but despite it all, he felt ill prepared for the this moment. His mind suddenly was exceptionally blank, while he tried not to let panic and shame get the better of him. He just wanted to make this better, to take the visible hurt and pain away from Amelia and to work this out somehow.
He could hear her exhale and assumed, just like him, she found it hard to find words, as the quiet in the room engulfed them. He swallowed back the lump in his throat. He just needed to do this, be the first one to break this stalemate. After all he was at fault.
"Amelia, I-"
"How long?" She cut in, now that the silence was finally broken, looking straight at him. Her wife's voice was strained like she was fighting not to choke up.
"How long what?" Cas didn't want to sound impolite but he needed clarification. There was just too much this could apply to. Known he was gay? Kept it from her? Had the affair (if you could call it that) lasted?
"I don't know. Everything- have you always known? All this, has this all just been a lie? Was there just one guy or, oh god-" she sighed.
"No," Castiel's stated emphatically. "There never was anyone else."
"But you said you had-" she looked and him bewildered.
"No I didn't- not like that anyway. I never- I made out with a guy once, but I would never … I love you, I couldn't do that to you."
"But you wanted to." It was more of a statement than a question.
"I- " he was about to say no, but memories came rushing back, and oh god, had he wanted to in that moment, so badly, but could – should – he really burden Amelia with that confession on top of everything else.
"Cassie, please be honest with me, you owe me that."
Castiel nodded his head in agreement. Yes, he did owe her the truth. He needed to learn from his mistakes, keeping things from her in the past was what got them here in the first place. He took in an audible breath. "Yes, in that moment I desired the other man, but- I couldn't do it. I love you; if you don't believe anything else believe this, please," he pleaded, holding her gaze with his own despite the shame he felt.
The pain behind Amelia's eyes was like a stab right to his heart. "Just explain it to me, please- I don't understand. Why now- I mean, we - we had sex regularly, and I thought you were happy and, were you always thinking about guys when you were with me?"
Castiel hated the way his wife sounded so small, so broken. Of course he had been happy but- there had always been that itch in the back of his mind. He clenched his jaw as he looked for the right words. How could he explain years of the turmoil inside of him and the subsequent suppression? How could he put that into words without causing more damage?
"Castiel, please just tell me. I need to know."
"I-" his voice broke, but he cleared his throat and carried on.
"I knew that I was different since I was a teenager, I guess. I just, I didn't want this to be me, and I never entertained the idea of pursuing anything with another man. I just ignored it, hoping it was just a phase. As a result I didn't have any relationships, no close connections with anyone. As you know I haven't had a real relationship until I met you. You were different; I thought my prayers were answered. I fell in love with you, and don't you think it was not real because it was- is. Just that, there was this part of me, I tried to forget, I thought I got over it, because you and me, it worked, but-" how best to describe this? Admit something he still didn't really want to face.
"There was this underlying current, something that always pulled and tugged at me from the inside. Some weird longing that flared up ever so often. I tried so hard to overcome it. Removed all my triggers that could make me question myself. Didn't you ever notice how I would change channels or topic whenever these issues came up? And I actually managed to forget for a while. And I was happy, with you."
Amelia nodded solemnly, remembering only too well all those moments where Castiel just seemed uncomfortable and 'stuck up'. At the time she had put it down to his rather strict upbringing, and as he generally had been a gentle and kind person it was not something she used to loose too much sleep over. Now she wondered whether she should have paid more attention. Maybe she would have picked up on something.
"And I bet you thought it was because of my family," she couldn't help a sad smile escape as Castiel confirmed her thoughts and she nodded her head in agreement. "Because of what my parents taught me, and maybe it was, but mainly I was simply afraid, I didn't want there to be anything wrong with me, to face this. And I never wanted to hurt you!"
He watched as Amelia took in the information, her hands nervously wringing in her lap.
"So, what changed? There was a guy?" Amelia sounded too calm to Castiel's ears, detached, like she already had accepted the inevitable, and no, Castiel wanted them to fight for this.
"It was- it was some random guy, someone at work, putting temptation in my way. He didn't mean anything to me and he's gone now. Just, what I felt at the time, I couldn't deny it any longer. It never had that strong a grip on me as it did that night, but that doesn't mean I want it or that I don't love you. Now that I can acknowledge it, I can start fixing it. Amelia, I want to be with you, I have looked into therapy and together we can-"
"Castiel stop!" Amelia's strong voice cut him off.
"Please don't-" he implored, feeling a cold shiver of dread working down his spine, afraid of what might come next. He didn't want to lose this, her. He was sure he was going to be sick any second now.
"Why are you doing this to yourself, to us?"
"I'm so sorry, I will fix this and-"
"No, Castiel. I mean why are you doing this to yourself! Despite this messed up situation between us right now, I hope you know there's nothing wrong with being gay, regardless of what your parents might have told you, right?"
Castiel gaped at her open mouthed, not quite sure where this was going. "What?"
Amelia had tears in her eyes but she carried on. "Why would you want us to carry on pretending we are something we cannot be, trying to hide what you are in the process and hurting yourself and me by proxy, when there's nothing wrong with you to begin with? Would you really be content to go against your nature your whole life?"
Castiel wanted to protest, say it was not so much nature as 'a choice', hearing his parents' voice on the issue ringing loud and clear in his ears. But he couldn't get to say it. He had started to develop some doubts about the validity of their teachings over these last few weeks. It was really only minute, but enough to put a small chink in his belief system, and right now Amelia's words, if anything, made that chink bigger.
"And, even if you tried, there will be another guy eventually down the road, someone you will not be able to say no to, and what then? I don't want that kind of future for either of us. God, I was not so much mad at you as confused and hurt. The thought of you cheating was just too much. And the idea of never being quite enough for you is killing me. I can't ever be what you need, not fully. But if anything, I am angry at your parents for making you believe this stuff about yourself."
Castiel felt his eyes fill up. Because those words hit home, oh so painfully. That was exactly what he had made Amelia feel over these last weeks, and having this confirmed only made him feel worse. Why wasn't she more furious with him? Shouting at him rather than trying to be understanding? She would have every right to. He couldn't find the words he wanted to say.
"In the last few days I had a lot of time to think about what an upbringing like that can do to a person. Cas-" she called him by his pet name normally reserved for Dean, possibly for the first time, and he was compelled to meet her eyes, his vision blurry.
"I just want you to be happy, but I also want to be happy myself, and either of us twisting into something we're not is only a recipe for disaster."
"I'm sorry." Was all he was able to utter while fighting hard not to break down in tears.
"I believe you but that doesn't change the facts."
"But, I love you."
"I don't doubt that- and I love you too, that's why I want you to be happy." And finally it became all too much, and she turned her head away as she felt the emotions overtake her; unable to hold the tears back any longer.
Cas gave up the fight as well, letting his tears flow freely. This was it, he would lose Amelia and he couldn't blame her. She deserved happiness, to find someone who could love her unconditionally as a woman. He wouldn't want her to live in constant fear of him walking out her one day. Although he still believed himself unable to actually ever do so. Also he was still prepared to try and make their marriage work but he couldn't demand of her to put her life on hold while he tried to figure himself out.
And he hated it but her words of acceptance of his condition were already festering inside of him. He could feel them growing even now. He always valued his wife's opinion and therefore could not pass it off as mindless ramblings. Maybe it was time to face the facts, to finally acknowledge that he was gay and possibly one day even be able to embrace it. To not be ruled by fear of his family and his parents in particular. But it was so ingrained in him to do just that, he had no idea whether he would be strong enough. Right now he was petrified. He felt like he was already mourning his marriage that wasn't even officially over yet.
"I'm so sorry, I never wanted it to be like this." he sobbed.
"I know, I don't deem you capable of hurting me on purpose. You are a good man." Amelia got up and crossed the room sitting down next to Castiel, placing her trembling hand over his, wiping away the tears with the sleeve of her other arm.
"No I'm not." he protested weakly, yet he held on tight to her hand, unable to meet her eyes, staring off into space. He could feel his body hurt all over, the tension making his muscles ache. He felt like he had run a marathon.
It felt like they sat there for hours, slowly letting the reality of the situation sink in. Cas' mind was going a hundred miles an hour, jumping around from thought to thought of 'if's' and 'but's' and an overlying 'I'm gay' threaded through all of them, trying the label on for size.
"So, what now?" Amelia's hushed voice broke the silence.
"I honestly do not know."
Well, I think there's not much point springing this on people now, with Christmas being round the corner and all."
"Oh god," Castiel sighed. Christmas was looming, and with that the almost unavoidable meeting up with his family. What was he going to do about that?
Amelia smiled tiredly in sympathy. "Yeah, maybe you can try to get out of your annual Christmas reunion, but, if not, I'll go with you."
"You don't have to do that, not if we're-" Castiel did not want to say the actual words; also he didn't want to take advantage of her kindness, which he really didn't deserved.
"No, but I'm offering. Look, I know your family and I'm sure they will be more than displeased to hear about us separating, without even knowing the full extent. I know my family will find it hard, they really like you, but they'll cope."
Castiel flinched. "Oh god!" Of course the 'full extent' of the story would most likely lead to him being ostracized from his family. He wondered why he was so afraid of this. Why he still had this ingrained urge to please them. It wasn't like he was particularly close with his parents or siblings and whenever possible tried to get out of family occasions. So worst come to worst, what would really change? Was it the stigma he was afraid of?
"All I'm saying is it might be best to wait for the festive season to be over before we tell people. It will give us time to- we have lots to talk about and sort out in the meantime."
Castiel nodded in agreement. By now he just felt numb, almost like it was someone else this was happening to. He didn't even feel like crying anymore and he had a feeling that Amelia wasn't fairing much better. Her hand, still in his, was cold and clammy. He knew it would be necessary for them to talk this out, but right now, he couldn't do it. His brain was hurting and he just wanted to not have to think for a while.
"Now, would it be ok for me to move back here in the meantime? Rachel's couch is not particularly comfortable." Amelia asked almost hesitantly, sounding just as exhausted as Cas felt. It must have gone past midnight by now.
"Of course, this is your house as well. And you take the bedroom- if you want I can, I don't know, find a motel or something or … I could take the couch."
"Thanks Castiel. I think I- honestly, I don't know what I want, so maybe the couch for now?"
"Yes, that is ok. I will just get the bedding. I feel rather tired now."
"Sure, and Castiel-" Amelia turned to look at him.
"Yes?"
She gulped before shaking her head. "Sorry, nothing- just let's get some sleep."
"Of course. I won't be a minute."
As he walked up the stairs, despite his body aching and his eyes stinging, he felt somewhat lighter as weird as that sounded. It kind of felt surreal, this position they found themselves in. Obviously he was heartbroken, and as of right now had no idea how he would be able to carry on functioning, but still, knowing where they stood had taken some of the load of his shoulders. Now as for the rest of the world and his family, he would leave that for another day. He felt like he was two seconds away from dropping dead.
#
It had taken Cas the better part of three week to feel like anything close to human again. It was weird being in the same house together but not actually being together. And it wasn't like they hated each other all of a sudden and couldn't wait to get out of each other's face. There were still deep emotions there which made the inevitable distance between them even more painful. Sometimes Castiel almost forgot for a second or two. Like when he walked into the kitchen and saw Amelia sitting at the table and wanted to close the distance and pat her hair until he remembered that they weren't like that anymore.
He had made some tentative steps to finding some answers for his personal predicament. This mainly consisted Googling from the safety of his study, trying to find some answers. He had eventually stumbled across some help sites. One of them had a link for a local church that seemed open-minded and Castiel had oh so many questions, so many conflicting emotions, but not yet the heart to address them. Maybe one day.
Amelia and he had fallen into a bizarre kind of routine. Cas would generally be the first one home, cooking and leaving some in the fridge for her, because he knew she was busy and he was cooking anyway. Also he still felt like the guilty party and if he could make her life a bit less stressful right now he would do it. By the time she would come home he was already cooped up in the office or on the sofa.
Weekends were hard. They both tried to keep busy but ever so often they would try to sit down and talk. Initially it was really weird and strained but seemed to become easier as time passed. Mainly they were just planning how to survive the festive season. They hadn't made any big decisions as to the house yet. Timing was just really bad with the end of term approaching and both of them required handing in their work.
Amongst all this going on, they hadn't spent very much time with Dean or Sammy. The brothers had been around a couple of times and Amelia and he had tried their best to accommodate them. It hadn't been too strenuous as Sammy had a tendency to spent time with Amelia and Dean preferred to hang with Cas. Still he wondered whether the brothers did pick up on any awkwardness between them.
Cas' mood was also very unpredictable and tonight the dire weather was doing its best to quell that small flutter of optimism he had woken up with this morning. It was still raining by the time he came home and he really just wanted a hot drink and a shower before making dinner and then collapse on his makeshift bed, forgetting about his current situation.
He spotted Dean sitting in the Impala across the road when he got out of his car but at the time didn't think anything of it. He knew how much Dean loved that car. Yet he couldn't help but get suspicious when he noticed Dean still sat in it almost two hours later as he was about to pull close the living room curtains and couldn't help but wonder why he was still there. It was raining heavily and the temperature was definitely not favorable for long sit-ins in a car.
Dean on his part was getting cold and felt rather pathetic, hiding away in the Impala. But he needed to be alone. All he felt was rage. He could not remember ever having felt this livid. He finally understood the meaning of seeing red. Because that was exactly what it had felt like when he came home and saw Sam's face, marred by a black eye and split lip. Fate must really hate him. The one day Dean couldn't collect him from school as he had to stay on for a project, having given in to his brother's incessant whining about being old enough to walk home alone; Sam had to end up getting beaten up.
Of course, he questioned Sammy right away and after some initial bullshit about some playground scuffle, he finally disclosed a name. 'James McAllister', and that surname made Dean's blood boil. It was not that common a name and Dean knew another McAllister. Phil. And finally it clicked into place why Phil had zoned in on him from day one. He must have heard about him and Sammy from his little brother who apparently was in Sammy's year. And while Dean generally liked being right, on this occasion he wished he hadn't been. But he just knew Phil was up to something. He could have dealt with anything aimed at him, no problem, but to go after his brother was not only a cowardly act but a big fat line Phil one day wished he'd never crossed. And to top it all off, it had been three fucking guys against one.
Dean would so get the bastards back for this although he didn't quite yet know how. His conscience kept him (unfortunately) from going after younger kids but he had no doubt that Phil was somehow involved in this. He vividly remembered the way the jerk had grinned at him from across the hall earlier today, and Dean had no reservation going after him.
He initially contemplated to just march into school in the morning and punch the guy's lights out; he knew a few moves that would leave Phil unable to attend school for a few days but on second thought reconsidered. He could not afford getting into trouble and risking people raising questions and worst case snooping round their house. No he would have to be subtle and find out an unobtrusive way of hurting Phil. Teach him once and for all not to mess with a Winchester.
But basically he was angry at himself for being so stupid and dropping the ball. He always made sure Sammy was ok. He knew he had failed to keep his brother safe, and Dean had a sinking feeling that their dad would not be very happy about seeing Sammy like this. He always told Dean to look out for is brother as he was still so young and Dean had no doubt there would be a few stern words in store for him and he had a feeling he deserved them.
He just couldn't calm down. Every time he looked at his baby bro's face a new wave of anger hit him. Dean eventually left Sammy to his homework and had taken refuge in the Impala. He needed to clear his head. Something he could do best while listening to music and loud at that. But because their dad was home, fast asleep, exhausted from the early morning shift that required him to get up at 2am (and no doubt a couple of 'nightcaps') he had to keep the noise in the house down.
So here he was, sitting in the freezing cold car, watching the rain splatter against the windscreen, while AC/DC was blaring through the speakers because he didn't know what else to do. He was sure the battery would give out soon but he didn't care. If only he would be old enough to drive. He closed his eyes imagining the engine's rumble as he headed down an empty road, nothing ahead or behind of him for miles. As soon as he had his license he would take Sammy on a road trip, maybe drive down to Uncle Bobby for the summer.
In his daydream he even allowed himself to imagine Cas along for the ride. He could be their 'responsible adult', although in his fantasy Dean imagined him to be more along the lines of something else, something more personal, more intimate. He knew it would never happen in real life, for one, how would he explain something like that to his innocent little brother, and then, he wasn't sure whether Cas was the road trip kinda guy (and there was the small fact that Cas was married). But right now in his head he could do whatever he wanted with whomever he wanted. The windows would be rolled down and they would feel the wind rush through their hair as they were heading to nowhere in particular. Just going with where the mood would take them, stopping at some random motel for the night, him and Cas sharing a bed and- he could feel his cheeks flush at the thought and the accompanying memory of that time he did kind of share a bed with the man.
Despite the spike in his heart rate, he felt himself shiver. It had gotten increasingly colder in the car over the last hour or so. He pulled his jacket tighter around his body. Just a bit longer, he was not yet ready to go back inside and act all put together for Sammy. He kept his eyes closed, mind going back to his road trip fantasy and Cas.
'If you want blood' was playing (fittingly) and he almost didn't hear the rap on the window. He startled, expecting Sammy or worse his dad but instead it was Cas, staring at him like he had lost his mind. Dean couldn't help but think he looked endearing, streams of water cascading down his hair and side of his face and that tell tale trenchcoat pulled around him.
Dean turned the volume down and rolled down the window. "Hey Cas, you know it's raining, right?"
"Yes I am aware. I am also aware that you have been sitting in this car in the dark for the best part of two hours and I just wanted to know if you are ok." Curiosity and concern for Dean had finally gotten the better of him. Sitting out in the cold for hours could not be considered good for one's health.
"I'm fine." Dean said, and it was only half a lie. Seeing Cas always had an effect of lifting his mood and knowing he actually cared enough to come out in the pouring rain made him smile.
"So you just randomly sit in your car in the dark, which I can only assume is getting rather cold by now," Cas remarked eyebrow raised.
"Kinda."
Dean's heart fell for a second when the man's face disappeared from his window, and he wondered what he could have said to make him leave without a goodbye. But then he was in his peripheral vision, moving round the back. He opened the door and slid into the passenger seat.
"Hey you getting the seat all wet." Dean protested half heartedly, because really, he was just happy that Cas was still here. He grinned, rolling his eyes, when he was rewarded with one of those unique 'stating the obvious' faces, Cas pulled so well. He really had the 'face' down to a t.
"Well, I was getting wet just standing there, and as I assumed you would not vacate this vehicle any time soon, I made an informed decision to get in. Because I know you, and you are not fine."
Dean sighed. "Seems like we know each other too well." He left the 'I know you're not alright too' unsaid. While Cas seemed calmer since that night he had fallen apart, Dean could still see the tension in the man's face whenever he set eyes on him. And while he wanted to believe it was just work stress, he had this feeling there was more to it. He still didn't know what had his friend crumble like that but he would work it out and help Cas if he could.
"Yes that tends to happen when two people spend time together. Although it is entirely possible to spend years with someone and never really know them at all." And Cas hadn't meant to sound quite so wistful, the remark intended towards his family and the way they always danced around any real personal issues, but he painfully realized it was just as applicable for his current situation. And in a way, did Dean really know him?
"Way to bring down the mood." Dean chortled, and he could almost forget that he had been really upset but a few minutes ago. Cas looked startling in his dorky kind of way, hair and face still wet. "Dude, you're dripping." Droplets of water were making their way down Cas' hair and dripping onto the collar of his coat. Cas worked his hands through his hair, trying to fluff out some of the water, spraying it everywhere in the process, some hitting Dean's side of the face.
Dean couldn't' help but laugh, yelping a "hey," when the spray hit him. Now Cas really looked like something the cat dragged in, but fuck, he couldn't help staring.
"Better?" Cas asked dryly seemingly not noticing or ignoring Dean's wide smirk.
"Yeah Cas, better. Now it's not just on your head but all over my baby."
"Oh."
"It's alright; it needs a good wipe down anyway."
Cas gave him that look again, head bent slightly to one side like he was studying him. Dean had hoped he had forgotten about asking why he was in the car, but the look told him otherwise. He was being assessed. But that stare also made heat pool in his stomach. He wished he was better at handling his crush by now but how could he not react to the way Cas was looking at him.
"What are you doing for Christmas?" Dean looked perplexed at the question, seemingly out of nowhere, but was grateful for the change of topic. Looked like Cas really did know him and understood he wasn't up for talking about serious shit. He needed some normality, if only for a moment and somehow Cas picked up on it.
"Dunno, Bobby invited us down to his and dad mentioned going if he can get the time off. Other than that- probably same old. Hopefully minus any runaway Sammy's or stabbing incidents," he chuckled looking over at Cas.
"Maybe we upgrade to an actual mugging this time." Cas smiled back. "I'd take that over my family any day."
"Oh god, are they going to descend on you again?"
"No, it's the big gathering at my parent's house. I tried getting out of it but they threatened to all turn up here and at least my parent's house is bigger, more place to hide."
"Man, I'm sorry."
"Don't be, one can't choose their family. Something you should remember as well." He said giving Dean a pointed look.
"Yeah," Dean said sounding almost pensive. "Bobby always says family don't end with blood. And that sometimes people you meet along the way can become more of a family than your real one. Still, you know, it's family."
They both relaxed back into their seats, not really wanting to address any serious issues, rather enjoying the music for a short while. And idea popped into Dean' head seemingly out of nowhere and he ribbed Cas in the side, mischievous grin on his face.
"Why should I be wary of this face?"
"You up for a little adventure?" Dean tried to look innocent.
"Define adventure."
"Fancy a little spin? This beauty is in working order now." Dean knew it was a stupid idea, but he just felt like doing something silly, something different.
"When did this happen?" Cas couldn't hide the surprise in his voice.
"A while back, when dad had one of his better weeks, he finally got round to fixing the engine, and he even let me put the spark plug in." Dean smiled at the nice memory, unfortunately way too rare where his father was concerned. It was like sometimes Dean just didn't know which dad would turn up at any given day. He had pretty much accepted to take the good days and forget the bad. Also he did wonder how his dad had the money for the parts but was behind on the utility bills. But he knew better than to ask.
"But you-"
"I know I'm not old enough to drive." Dean chortled. "You have told me so on many occasions. I was more thinking of - you driving." Dean smirked, trying to go for subtle persuasion.
"But, is it even insured?" Cas gave him a slightly panicked look.
"You want me to answer this truthfully?" Dean winked at him.
"No, on second thought don't answer that." Cas relented.
"Come on just once round the corner, don't you just want to find out what she feels like on the road."
Cas knew he would be mad agreeing to this. Why was he even contemplating Dean's offer? He never got into trouble with the law. Doing things by the book, literally, that was him. But then again, he had never admitted to being gay before, never been in the process of getting divorced and most likely disowned by his family. Always doing things by the book really hadn't served him that well looking at it like that. And Cas was tired of always playing by everybody else's rules. What was the saying, 'live a little'?
"Ok." he said before he could really think about it.
"Wow," Dean grinned. "Didn't actually think you would say yes, I was more pulling your leg but, ok, let's do this." Dean felt a sudden surge of adrenaline. On the road with his baby and Cas, maybe dreams did come true. He quickly swapped position with his friend and waited, chuckling quietly as he watched the man getting comfortable in his seat.
"You look good behind the wheel."
Cas looked over at Dean smiling, taking in a deep breath before turning the key in the ignition. It took two tries but then the engine rumbled to life.
"That's what I'm talking about," Dean's excitement was infectious and Cas grinned as he backed slowly out of the drive. It took him a moment to get used to the no power steering and handling a big car like that but then they were off down the road.
"Where to young sir?" Cas teased.
"Anywhere but here." Dean said, closing his eyes and reveling in the feeling of the moving vehicle, the vibration on the engine. Most of all though he enjoyed the company of the man next to him.
Cas decided to head straight down for a while, eventually finding a convenient spot to turn around. He had to agree with Dean, there was something about a car like this, new models just couldn't provide. And the exhilaration of knowing he did something illegal was heady. He felt his pulse racing, as he pressed down on the pedal. He let out a nervous huff, still not quite believing he was actually doing this, chancing a glance over at Dean.
He let his eyes roam over the boy's face for longer than was probably deemed safe, being as he was driving, but he looked more relaxed and content than Cas had seen him in a long time and he enjoyed seeing him like that. He loved that he could make Dean's life that little bit brighter, even if just for a short while. Also, Dean was turning into a very handsome teenager, Cas couldn't help but notice. He had no doubt he would break more than just a few hearts in a few years. But really for him it was Dean' personality that stood out, his fierce loyalty, sense of duty and the way he cared for the ones he loved, even at such a young age and after everything he's been through. He had a beautiful soul. Cas felt a nervous flutter in his stomach and put it down to the affection he had developed for the boy.
Dean couldn't help but feel like he was being watched. He opened his eyes and was met with blue eyes on him. Cas, to Dean's great disappointment, quickly looked away, focusing on the traffic again. He felt his stomach do an excited flip. Damn those eyes.
"A great feeling, ain't it? I can't wait to drive her myself." Dean felt the need to say something to ease his tension. He was not cold anymore. Cas hummed in agreement but otherwise remained quiet, like he was suddenly in his own world.
Dean turned up the music slightly and lounged back in his seat. Just for a while he could pretend this was one of those trips he imagined. Him and Cas against the world; Sammy in the backseat. In those scenarios he would of course be allowed to touch Cas. Place a hand on his shoulder or gently squeeze his knee. And for a split second he was tempted to just go with it, and see what happened. Could feel his hand twitch in anticipation. But of course this was reality. So all he could do was enjoy the man's presence, drink in his features while he was driving, and chortle at the way Cas looked way too stiff behind the wheel, sitting upright and clinging to the wheel with two hands.
"Cas, that's not how you drive a car like this." he informed the man.
"Well, this is how I drive," came the Cas-like response.
"No dude, you gotta feel it, become one with the car, like- look at me." Dean instructed as he made himself more comfortable in his seat, relaxing back, one arm on his thigh the other stretching out to come to rest on the back of Cas' seat.
Cas glanced over at Dean, not looking altogether convinced.
"Come on, just give it a try." Dean nudged Cas' shoulder with his hand.
"Alright." Apparently Cas was unable to say no to Dean so he adjusted his own position, sunk a bit lower into the seat and holding the wheel with his left hand. He brought his other arm up and placed it on top of Dean's, coming to rest on his seat just behind Dean's neck. He felt ridiculous, being a strict 10 and 2 position guy but he tried to go with the moment.
"Better?"
Dean's heart was racing and about to jump out of his chest right about now. He completely forgot to grace Cas' question with an answer. It felt almost like the man was hugging him, right here in the car, with his arm slung over the back of his seat, and if he only would shift a bit, lean in he could rest his head against his shoulder. As it was, their arms were touching and even that was enough to drive him mad. He focused his gaze back on Cas. He really did look good behind the wheel of his baby. His hair now almost dry and standing up in all sorts of ways, good enough to push your hands through and Dean had to look away.
He settled for a somewhat compromise, letting his head fall back to rest against Cas' lower arm, and closed his eyes again.
"You seem exhausted, maybe we should turn around." Cas misread Dean's stolen snuggle for tiredness.
"Nah, I'm fine. Don't stop," he mumbled, letting himself inch just that little bit closer to Cas' shoulder, and really, if they would just keep on driving all night that would be ok with him.
By now they had left their neighborhood behind and Cas was heading down the familiar route to his university. He occasionally glanced over at Dean, who looked so peaceful resting against his arm, a small smile gracing his features. His silent plea to keep on going was what kept Cas driving. But he knew that really he should turn around soon. There was taking a chance and then there was tempting fate. Also it was getting late and Dean surely should be at home by now. So reluctantly he found a convenient spot to turn around.
He still felt giddy and more alive than he had in weeks as the pulled back onto the drive about fifteen minutes later and turned off the engine. He didn't quite know what it was about Dean but he seemed to manage to bring out a side of him he didn't really know existed. He gently nudged Dean.
"Any more illegal activities you care to involve me in tonight?" he asked in a flat voice but with a smirk, and damn, yes, Dean would have an idea or two and had to bite his tongue.
"Ah come on Cas. You enjoyed yourself, admit it."
"Yes, to my shame I have to admit I found the overall experience rather exhilarating."
Dean laughed. He just loved the way Cas talked. "Now there, don't get a taste for it. We can't have you break the law on a regular basis. Although my offer to bust you out still stands."
"Somehow I don't think this will be necessary. My brief fling with the wrong side of the law aside, I don't think I would be cut out for this kind of life." He chuckled.
They were still laughing when they got out of the car and Cas handed the keys back to Dean who quickly locked it. They stood on the dark drive, looking at one another, not really wanting to say goodbye. Thankfully it had stopped raining.
"Well, thanks, you know- for taking my mind off things."
"So, there was something on your mind."
"Yeah, well-"
"It's ok. Just you know, when you need to talk I will be here."
Dean suddenly felt the overwhelming urge to hug the man, and finding no real reason not to, he quickly crossed the distance flinging his arms around Cas' waist, burying his head in the crook of Cas' neck.
"Thanks," he muffled against Cas' skin, and had to restrain himself with all his will not to place a lasting kiss against the soft warm flesh.
Cas hesitated for a second before he returned the embrace, pulling Dean in, allowing himself to enjoy the hug. He realized he also had not thought about his woes over this last hour, and was thankful for the brief respite.
"No need to thank me." He said after a moment, releasing Dean and stepping back. Dean was rather reluctant to let go but he felt the man pull away and suddenly felt more than just a bit self conscious for being so forward and touchy-feely.
"Night Cas."
"Good night Dean."
Cas waited until Dean was safe behind his front door before taking the short walk back to his own house. He shook his head in disbelief as he reflected on what he had just done. In hindsight it was rather juvenile and stupid and could have ended badly. Or worse, Mr. Winchester could have noticed the car missing and reported it as stolen. He would have been in real trouble then. He was sure the word of a fourteen year old would not count for much in a suspected theft. What on earth had gotten into him?