Month 3: Broken and Beloved
My craving for broccoli never seemed to cease. Thanksgiving was soon approaching and I was becoming larger. John said I seem to beam and Ryan says I look gorgeous. If only I felt that way on the inside. On the inside, I felt like crying, all the time. I also felt like puking AND eating at the same time. Strange feelings. Without Spencer, I felt like I was living with this void that needed to be filled.
During my three month appointment, all seemed to be well. John gave me a ride back to his place for dinner and movie. It was a fairly nice supper. He fixed us some Alfredo, with broccoli. Not only my favorite food, but also satisfied my strange craving for broccoli. Since it wasn't too horribly cold out, John cracked open the window and let the low, yet calming autumn breeze in. I shivered in its wake. John fidgeted with the DVD player. Soon, he figured it out and sat next to me. I may have been wearing my warmest sweatshirt, but I was still freezing. While the previews rolled, John turned to me, "Blaire, Uhm, have you given thought to any names?" he asked me casually.
I cuddled deeper into his armpit, which wasn't all that nasty. "Not yet, but I really want a boy," I chuckled.
John looked down at me. "Now why do you want a boy?" he asked, pulling me closer.
"I don't really know, I guess I have always wanted a boy," I said, pulling my sweatshirt sleeves over my bare hands. "Force him to play baseball," I said, poking John's abs.
He grabbed my finger. "Blaire," he said, his voice fading off, as if he didn't agree with me. "If that child doesn't play baseball, I'll have a sit down chat with you," he said, kissing my forehead.
"Don't worry," I said.
The movie played. I obviously cried at the movie, it was Pearl Harbor. John chuckled a bit at my sensitivity but always kept me close. After the movie was over, around 10:30, he took me back to Ryan's, which was my permanent residence.
I said my goodnights to Ryan and got ready for bed. Eventually, I crawled in to bed and fell asleep. My thoughts suddenly exploded and my mind was racing. I wasn't ready to be a mom. I couldn't close my eyes without thinking of my one friend that I had, and how he was gone from my life. I missed Spencer like crazy. He held me together and I felt as each day passed, my mind slowly began to fall more and more apart. Eventually, I eased into a slumber and slept like a baby.
My alarm never went off. By the time I woke up, it was 10:30am. I sat up and looked around my slowly filling room. My vanity was covered in perfumes and make-up. I also bought a rocker, because I love rockers. I crawled out of bed and dug for a casual outfit. I had nothing to do today for a change, so I went and sat out on my tiny, yet humbling patio. I curled up and looked out over Milwaukee.
Ryan walked into my room and came on to the porch and sat on the foot rest.
"Good morning, Blaire," he said, grabbing my knee.
"Hey bud," I said.
"I, Uhm, I shut off your alarm," he confessed.
I started laughing. I choked back a couple laughs. "Why?" I managed to laugh out.
"Because, you've been through a lot," he said. "Sleeping in would have been good for you." He said caringly.
I stood up and hugged him. "Thank you, It felt nice. Are we doing anything today?" I asked.
"No, nothing really, Jonathan said he may drop by, but he wasn't sure," he said .
I nodded and left. This was about to be the most unproductive day, ever. I finally mustered the strength to log on Ryan's laptop. Ever since Spencer was killed, I was super worried to use a computer. The thought of this person could track Ryan and I down and kill us, scared me. But I finally mustered the strength to do so.
I first checked my Facebook, which was my addiction in high school. Facebook was my only way of communicating with my friends and my new notifications well exceeded 250. I checked all of them. Most were just friends saying and checking up on me. Most didn't have a clue I was pregnant so I posted a quick status about it and checked Twitter. Twitter was my new obsession. It's less clogged on twitter. But nonetheless, I posted what I had posted on Facebook and logged off. I x'ed out of safari and stared at Ryan's back drop. His Mac was new and white and the picture looked crisp against the white border. Ryan came out and stood over me.
"Here," he mumbled, clicking around until up popped photobooth.
"Ryan," I whined cutely. I felt ugly. I didn't need any pictures taken of me at this point.
"C'mon," he said, gently pushing me from my seat, taking it and pulling me back on his lap.
"Smile!" he said slapping the keyboard. Oh, the awkward bonding moments between Ryan and I.
The next day was much more planned out. Ryan decided since I was living with him that we furnish my room with more baby stuff. I tried to explain to him that was what a baby shower was for, but he didn't want to hear it.
Ryan took me to John's and he tagged along too. Living with Ryan and John weirded me out at times. Yet, I felt so loved. Since I didn't want to know what I was having, I picked out neutral colors. Brown colored stroller, and of course, I did my best to find accessories in navy blue and gold, for the Brewers. Eventually, we departed from the stored and the muscle men in the group (John and Ryan) loaded up Ryan's car and drove back to his place. And again, the so generously carried all the stuff up. By the time all of the baby's stuff was up into the living room, it was around 5:30. While the boys cooled off, I made them a quick meal of steaks. They chowed down and we quickly got to work assembling the baby's room.