Chapter Ten: Felines and Trees
Kakashi had a slight suspicion that his genin were trying to kill him.
He had accepted a standard D-ranked gardening mission for his team, and everything was going as planned. (Of course, he had blindfolded his students to make things more interesting, but they were doing alright. Somewhat.) After a few hours, Kakashi had taken pity on his students by calling a lunch break.
While his team devoured their food, Kakashi decided to take the opportunity to read his brand-new Icha Icha novel. And that's when Sakura approached him with a thermos.
He looked up, slightly wary. "Hello, Sakura-chan!" he chirped. Itachi, who had been sitting next to him, glanced at the girl and gave a slight nod. Unfortunately for Kakashi, Itachi was still acting as a glorified babysitter for a glorified babysitter. (This time, Kakashi planned on acting more like a teacher than a supervisor. But the point still stood.)
"Sensei," Sakura said sweetly. "I made you some tea. Would you like some?"
Kakashi blinked in surprise. Maybe Sakura hadn't changed that much, unknown parentage aside. In the old dimension, Sakura had attempted to suck-up to him for the first week or so. Then, she had grown exasperated with him and stopped trying, but… it was nice to see that some things didn't change.
"Why thank you, Sakura-chan!" He opened the thermos and froze. His visible eye narrowed as he peered into the tea. An odd-looking leaf was submerged in the bottom. Kakashi sniffed the drink.
Poisoned. That leaf's extremely toxic. In fact, it looks just like the weed they were removing from the garden…
He stared at the pile of weeds before discreetly pouring the tea out. It was probably just an accident.
Itachi looked at him. She raised an eyebrow when the leaf fell from the thermos. Kakashi simply shrugged in response.
The next of his students to try was Naruto. Granted, Naruto's plot aimed to seriously inconvenience him in a non-lethal way, but it was no less annoying. More annoying, in fact. Especially since Naruto had long mastered the fourth ninja art of pranking.
Kakashi grinned gleefully at his furious students. They hadn't liked the obstacle course he'd set up for them. Sure, it was ANBU-ranked, not genin-ranked, but it was non-lethal! Mostly.
The three genin, surprisingly, did not seem happy.
"Good job, team! You completed the obstacle course. I'm impressed! But..." Kakashi paused theatrically, letting the younger three squirm. "I think that's enough for today. You're dismissed." Ah, the sweet sound of relieved genin.
"Yeah!" Naruto barely had enough energy to speak at his normal volume. He looked exhausted, but his grin was entirely too mischievous for Kakashi's liking. "Have fun at home, sensei."
Kakashi scratched the back of his neck. "Uh, alright." He shot Naruto an odd look. "I'm sure I will."
Obviously, when Kakashi reached his home, he was very suspicious. He quickly checked each entrance for booby traps, methodically searching for wire traps, seals, and erasers. Kakashi frowned when he noticed an odd clump of tags at the base of his favorite window.
Kakashi carefully set off the trap.
His apartment shuddered under the force of fifty stench bombs exploding at once.
Wheezing and coughing (despite being exposed to very little of the smoke), Kakashi flickered away from his apartment.
Why do my kids have an obsession with blowing me up? he thought, disgruntled. Kakashi frowned and quickly dismissed the thoughts of an organized conspiracy. It was just a prank from Naruto. Oh well, kids will be kids.
The Tora mission, however, was what really clued him into his genin's murderous tendencies.
"We did it!" shouted Naruto, relieved beyond measure. "Can you untie us now?"
"Please." Sakura tugged at the rope attaching her to Naruto. "Please!"
Sasuke looked traumatized beyond measure, being the unfortunate soul holding the frantic cat.
"Once we return the cat, "drawled Kakashi, "I'll think about—"
"Oops!" shouted Naruto, bumping his shoulder into Sasuke. The young Uchiha promptly chucked the cat at Kakashi.
The screeching, frothing Tora flew in a straight line, heading straight for his face. Kakashi quickly sidestepped, ensuring that the cat headed towards Itachi instead.
Itachi did the reasonable thing and promptly drop-kicked the cat. Tora sailed in the opposite direction, still screeching as it landed somewhere into the forest.
Kakashi grinned lazily. "How unfortunate. It looks like you still have to complete the mission. Good luck, kiddies."
With a synchronized screams of inhuman rage, the three tied-together genin headed back into the treetops.
Kakashi turned to Itachi, who was staring at him impassively.
"You know," he said finally, "I think my genin may be trying to kill me."
Itachi's expression became dubious, as she wondered how Kakashi had just realized that. "Yes. I think they are."
Sakura, Naruto, and Sasuke all gathered together for their weekly committee-to-kill-Kakashi meeting.
"I don't think it's working," grumbled Naruto, kicking the ground in irritation. "Kakashi-sensei didn't even pay attention to anything we did."
Sasuke scratched at the still-healing battle wounds given to him by Tora. "And I succeeded in making my sister angrier. She made training more difficult in revenge." He scowled (pouted) at the memory.
Sakura crossed her arms, thoughtful. "Perhaps we're approaching this from the wrong angle. Physically, we can't do anything… but we can have a psychological effect."
Naruto squinted suspiciously. "What're you getting at?"
Sakura held up a finger. A hint of a smile danced at the corners of her lips. "Nothing."
Frowning, Sasuke raised an eyebrow.
"We've been trying to… dispose of sensei directly, which obviously hasn't worked. Until we become much stronger, that approach is unlikely to succeed. However, if after constant assassination attempts, we suddenly stop…" Sakura's smile became concrete. "His paranoia should skyrocket, slowly driving him into madness."
Naruto shot her a skeptical look. "Um, I'm pretty sure he's already crazy."
Her eyebrow twitched. "More insane, I mean!"
Sasuke gave a short sigh. "Might as well try," he muttered, sounding almost pained to agree with his stalker/fangirl.
"Excellent!" crowed Sakura. "For now, we'll suspend murder-based operations. Mission drive-Kakashi-sensei-into-insanity is a go!"
After a month of training and aborted murder attempts, Kakashi was firmly confident in his team's ability to handle any C-rank, including that god-forsaken C-turned-S-rank Wave mission. Besides, they hadn't tried to kill him in several days. Either they had realized the futility of trying, or his team had matured. Both scenarios were promising.
"Hokage-sama," said Kakashi, grinning when an exasperated Minato rolled his eyes at the title, "I think my team is ready for a C-rank."
Sasuke looked as happy as was possible for an Uchiha. Naruto openly exclaimed his joy to the heavens, jumping up and down like a possessed man, and Sakura's green eyes shined with manic energy.
Itachi, on the other hand, did not seem so confident. "I do not think this is wise."
"Why is that?" Minato leaned forward, resting his chin on his palm.
"They are fresh genin. Most teams have at least another month of training before they start C-ranks," pointed out Itachi.
"Yeah, but my team is exceptionally talented." Kakashi fondly ruffled Naruto's hair. "They're miles ahead of every other team." And far more capable than the old Team 7 was at this time.
Minato hummed as he shuffled through a pile of papers. "I'm afraid I agree with Kakashi." The dimensional traveler smirked at Itachi, who glared back at him, irritated. "But," the two jonin stiffened at the Hokage's tone of voice, "Itachi-chan, if you're so worried about Team 7, why don't you accompany them?"
"It's fine!" Kakashi interjected immediately. "We're perfectly capable of handling a C-rank without a babysitter. Besides, Itachi's not a part of Team 7! And most teams don't have two jonin looking after them. Think about all the complaints of favoritism!"
Minato gave Kakashi a flat look. "Kakashi, there are already complaints of favoritism. I gave you my son, the second son of the Uchiha main family, and the top kunoichi of the year. Three of the top students, all on the same team. Of course that's favoritism!" He interlocked his fingers and smiled his I-am-Hokage-so-fucking-listen-to-me smile. "Besides, if anyone asks, I can simply state that I'm worried about potential kidnappings. You can never be too careful, right?"
"I have no issue with accompanying Team 7," added Itachi. She ignored Kakashi's wounded look.
"Excellent! And I have the perfect mission for you, too!"
Kakashi idly wondered what it would be. With all the dramatic changes going on, there was no way it'd still be the Wave miss—
"It's an escort mission to Wave."
Fucking hell.
Great. Now I have to deal with a drunk bridge builder, an S-rank missing-nin with a sob story, a dictator and—
"You'll be accompanying Zabuko and Haku back to their country. They're simple fisherwomen afraid of bandit attacks along the route. It shouldn't be too difficult."
He froze. Wait. What?
"Ah, they're here right now."
In walked Zabuza in the worst drag Kakashi had ever seen. He wore a misshapen wig with pigtails over his bandages and a too-large dress with watermelons sticking out the top. Haku followed in the best drag he had ever seen—Kakashi was half-convinced that the boy was a woman.
Kakashi, with his best what-the-fuck expression, turned back to the Yondaime. Minato looked back calmly, but he was clearly struggling to keep a smile off his face.
The silver-haired jonin stepped forward, placing his hands on the Hokage's desk. "Sensei," he hissed, "I don't think you've noticed, but I'm pretty sure those are two missing-nin in drag in your office."
"What?" Minato coughed to hide his laugh. "I have no idea what you're talking about." The blond's fight to keep a straight face became even more obvious.
"This is revenge, isn't it?" Kakashi narrowed his eye. "Really? Really? I think you've paid it back ten-fold, by now!" Vindictive bastard. He'd honestly forgotten about how unforgiving Minato had been. Everyone talked about his kindness and permanent cheer, but they conveniently forgot to mention his vengeful, sadistic streak. You don't get a flee-on-sight label by throwing flowers and rainbows at your enemy.
The Yondaime ignored his former student's words and tossed two scrolls at him. "One's for you and Itachi. Don't open or discuss that one until you reach the coast," said Minato, voice almost inaudible. "The other's for your team. Have fun!"
Zabuza—or Zabuko, rather—frowned at the three genin. "I asked for a ninja team, not three runts," he scoffed in an artificial falsetto.
"Who you calling a runt!" Naruto glared at the masked crossdresser.
"Zabuko-sama, I think they'll do fine," placated Haku, smiling softly at Naruto. The younger blonde immediately blushed a bright red.
Ha! thought Kakashi, amused. Wait until he finds out Haku's real gender.
Zabuko grunted, forgetting to disguise his voice. "The two older ones look alright. The Yondaime's Dog and Itachi of the Eternal Flame, if I'm not mistaken. I wouldn't mind figh—" Zabuko winced when Haku stepped on his foot with high heels. "Being guarded by them," he finished sourly.
Itachi shot them an incredulous look before turning back to Kakashi and Minato. "Are you certain about this?" she asked the Hokage.
"Positively!" Minato beamed, smiling so brightly that sparkles surrounded him. "Now, go complete your mission!" With those parting words, he kicked everyone out of his office.
Unwillingly, Team 7 and Itachi started off on their mission to escort Zabuko and Haku.
What the fuck, thought Kakashi numbly. Seriously, what the fuck. I don't even know what's happening anymore. The Wave mission was not supposed to go like this.
Itachi seemed tenser than usual, her hand constantly hovering over her shuriken pouch. She shot wary glances at Zabuko as she protectively shadowed her younger brother.
Naruto, on the other hand, seemed utterly enamored with Haku. "S-so," he stuttered, "you're from Wave?"
Haku laughed softly. "Not originally, no. But we live there now. It's basically our second home."
"Wow! Where'd you used to live?" The blond watched, fascinated, as Haku's long hair fluttered in the breeze. "Your hair is so pretty," Naruto breathed.
"Thank you, Naruto-kun." The long-haired nin smiled gently at him.
Sasuke, on the other hand, seemed rather sullen. Every few seconds, he glanced behind him at his sister before pouting and turning around.
Sakura was also glancing back every few seconds—but at Zabuko, not Itachi. After a few minutes, she sidled up to Kakashi.
"Sensei," she whispered, "I don't think Zabuko's actually a woman."
Kakashi watched as a watermelon fell out of Zabuko's dress. Surreptitiously, the bandaged man picked it up and shoved it back in his top.
"I think you're right, Sakura-chan," said Kakashi after a second. "But our client's choice of dress is no concern of ours."
Seemingly accepting the answer, Sakura nodded and fell back in formation.
Kakashi half-expected to see a poorly-disguised puddle, but he didn't spot any during their entire trek to the coast. Their entire journey there was actually more uneventful than the original trip.
Finally, once they reached the shoreline, Kakashi called for them to stop and set up camp. "We'll stop and rest for the night. Tomorrow morning, we'll cross into Wave."
There were no complaints from anyone except Zabuko, who briefly muttered something about "Leaf Weaklings." A sharp glare from Haku and Itachi promptly shut him up.
Once the fire was made and the genin were mostly asleep, Kakashi pulled aside Itachi to talk.
"I should probably tell you about the second mission," he whispered.
At Itachi's look of outrage, Kakashi held up his hands in the classic image of surrender. "In my defense, Minato-sensei told me not to tell you until we get to the coast."
Itachi's expression quickly defaulted to neutral. She frowned slightly, waiting for him to explain.
"Even I don't know what the mission is. Sensei sealed it so that I wouldn't be able to open it. It's timed to open... in the next ten seconds, actually."
The two jonin stared at the scroll. After exactly ten seconds, a small, silent puff of smoke alerted them of the seal's expiration.
He nicked his thumb on the edge of a kunai and pressed it to the scroll. Then, Kakashi opened the scroll and angled it so that Itachi could also read.
Kakashi-kun and Itachi-chan! Sorry for being overly dramatic about this. But while the genin are doing their nice, easy C-rank, I have an A-rank for you to complete.
If you haven't noticed (which I know you did), Zabuko and Haku aren't actually fisherwomen. Both are missing-nin from Kiri. Konoha is legally obligated by treaty to refuse missions from rogue ninja, but Konoha obviously didn't know about their missing-nin status due to their masterful disguise.
Gato is strangling Wave's economy, and he has drastically increased the price of goods to Konoha. He also has completely refused to negotiate. I need you to take him and his little gang of thugs down using any method possible. He is holding the Daimyo of Wave hostage, so getting rid of Gato should fix that little problem as well.
(I know that Gato is a lackey of that psychopath Yagura, but if you dispatch him due to 'self-defense,' we'll still be in the clear.)
Oh, make sure your genin are safe during all this.
And of course, have fun!
The scroll promptly self-destructed.
Scowling, Kakashi dropped the pile of ash. "You got all that?" he asked.
Itachi deactivated her sharingan and nodded.
"I'm going to kill that man," growled Kakashi. "Making my life more difficult just for the hell of it."
"I will help," Itachi replied matter-of-factly.
Kakashi gave a grudging smile. "Of course."
The next day, they hired a boatman to ferry them across to the island. The poor civilian looked terrified, shaking under the combined weight of Itachi and Kakashi's irritation.
Zabuko wasn't that happy, either. "This is taking too long," he grumbled. "Can't we just run across the water?"
Haku elbowed the man in the gut. "But Zabuko-sama," the other missing-nin said with a plastered smile and gritted teeth, "we can't do that, right? Because we're not ninja?"
"Oh. Right." He leaned back, jostling a watermelon out of his dress. The fruit bounced off the edge of the boat and fell into the ocean with a plop. Zabuko stared at the ripples marking the watermelon's new location. "Fuck." He turned around and glared at the genin. Sakura looked rather smug, Naruto appeared utterly shocked, and Sasuke seemed completely unconcerned.
"That never happened!" snarled Zabuko, letting out a sliver of killing intent.
Naruto continued to stare, mouth hanging wide open. Sasuke scoffed and turned around. Sakura, on the other hand…
"Are you threatening me?" she hissed back, green eyes narrowing. Suddenly, Sakura smiled. "Are you challenging me to a fight?" Her tone abruptly became excited.
"Of course not, Sakura-chan!" Haku said quickly. "Zabuko-sama's just in a bad mood."
Disappointed, Sakura crossed her arms and turned away.
The remainder of the boat ride was fairly boring. At least, until they were halfway to the island when, out of nowhere, thick fog appeared, obscuring their vision.
There's no way that mist is natural. Sighing, Kakashi drew his weapon and exchanged a look with Itachi. It's impossible for Team 7 to have a regular C-rank, no matter which dimension it's in. Absolutely impossible.
He was just in time, too.
A sudden stream of kunai pierced the thick fog, headed right towards Zabuko and Haku. Itachi quickly appeared in front of the two, deflecting the weapons with ease. Kakashi stood in front of the genin, leisurely batting aside the senbon and shuriken aimed towards the rest of Team 7.
Wind really wasn't his element, but he'd picked up a few tricks during the war. Kakashi ran through a string of hand seals, conjuring up a sharp gust of wind to blow away the mist.
The five attackers—no name chuunin, from the looks of it—were now visible and visibly nervous. Kakashi frowned when he noticed the clean, unmarked headbands. Loyal Kiri ninja?
The genin sprung into action. "I've needed this!" exclaimed Sakura, eagerly drawing a kunai. She ran onto the ocean, balancing easily on the waves. Sasuke and Naruto followed, also able to water-walk, having been subjected to Kakashi's training.
"Hey, I bet I can take out the enemy faster than you can!" Naruto hollered.
"In your dreams." Sasuke rolled his eyes as he palmed a shuriken, tossing a few at the first enemy.
Kakashi watched with pride as the three worked as a team (fucking finally), actually following the formations they had worked on. Sakura distracted one with a genjutsu, Sasuke pushed him back with a stream of fire, and Naruto knocked out the chuunin with a quick blow to the head.
Itachi had already taken out two. Sighing, Kakashi figure that he might as well join the fight. But before he could, Kakashi noticed Zabuko stand up dramatically.
"I've had enough of this!" shouted Zabuko with rage. "No more disguises!" With a fearsome roar, he tore apart his dress, standing on the boat in nothing but shorts and bandages. "Fuck hiding, I'm gonna tear some Kiri-ninja apart!" He pulled out his cleaver-like sword from a sealing scroll before dashing off to behead the terrified chuunin.
"Oh, Zabuza-sama," said Haku, sighing. "I suppose the ruse is up." Daintily, the other missing-nin stepped off the boat and flickered to the other chuunin, quickly trapping her in a cage of ice.
Well, that leaves just one for me.
Kakashi casually walked up to the chuunin, ducking to avoid the water-dragon that the chuunin frantically conjured. Kakashi ran through a few handsigns, creating a wolf-shaped blast of electricity that electrocuted his opponent. After slinging the Kiri-nin over his shoulder, he turned back to his team.
His genin had proudly hoisted their defeated enemy in the air, waving him around like a flag.
"Sensei!" Naruto grinned proudly at his amused teacher. "We did it!" Sakura cheered as their personal unconscious chuunin flopped around. Even Sasuke looked pleased, looking to his sister for approval before catching himself and scowling.
Kakashi flashed a thumbs-up at his team. Then, he narrowed his eyes ominously at Zabuza-née-Zabuko and Haku. "Well, now that the excitement's all over, I suppose it's time we have a little chat."
"You're a ninja!?" screeched Naruto. "And a guy?"
"I thought we already established that," said Sakura, rolling her eyes. "Didn't you see the watermelon fall out of his dress?"
"Yeah, but I just thought he was illegally smuggling fruit!"
"What?" Sasuke looked incredulously at Naruto, mirroring his sister's expression. "You idiot, why would you think that?"
"Hey!" Naruto crossed his arms defensively. "Well, Wave's currently suffering from a food shortage, and fruit's being rationed and sold at ridiculous prices. I just thought Zabuko had figured out a foolproof method to supply fruit to the island. I was really impressed, too!"
Everyone stared at him.
"What?" The blonde scowled, affronted. "I'm not stupid." He paused for a few seconds. "And my dad's the Hokage," he muttered. "He doesn't shut up about this stuff during dinner."
"That makes sense." Sakura sighed, relieved. "For a second, I actually thought you knew something, even if your assumption was extremely stupid."
"I resent that." Naruto glared at Sakura.
"You do realize that my name's Zabuza, not Zabuko?" said the huge missing-nin, raising a bandaged eyebrow.
"Yeah yeah, whatever." Naruto suddenly swung around to face Haku. "And you're also a ninja, right? Let me guess, you're actually a boy too! What's your real name? Hakuto?"
Here comes the moment of truth…
Haku smiled apologetically. "No, I'm actually a girl, and my name is Haku. I normally dress-up as a Kiri hunter-nin, so my disguise was simply coming as myself."
Kakashi very slowly, very subtly face-palmed. Never mind. I forgot that this universe likes screwing with me.
"I'm sorry for lying to you, Naruto-kun. But we had to disguise ourselves in order to request a mission from Konoha."
Haku immediately launched into a sob-story, detailing the horrors of Yagura's reign of terror. Naruto started sniffling a few seconds into it, and even Sasuke looked a bit disturbed.
Sakura merely seemed contemplative.
Not good.
She isn't… considering implementing those measures herself, is she?
Most of it, Kakashi had heard before. However, he started noticing a few deviations from the original story towards the end.
"... so we traveled as missing-nin, until we reached Wave. Here, we noticed that Yagura's wicked rule had spread into other countries as well. We decided to work with the resistance, fighting off Gato and his police-force of Kiri ninja as best as we could. However, the endless waves of enemies became too much for us. Zabuza-sama and I decided to flee to Konoha and get help, but we only had enough money to hire a genin team and instructor."
Haku looked down, her hair falling softly around her. "I'm sorry for asking you to do this, Naruto-kun… but could you and your team help us free Wave from the tyranny that is Gato?"
Eyes shining, Naruto nodded furiously. "Sorry for ever doubting you! A girl as pretty as you couldn't possibly be evil! Of course we'll help, right?"
Sasuke grunted in agreement.
"... I wouldn't mind fighting some more ninja," said Sakura thoughtfully.
"I'm not sure," said Kakashi, drawing out each word. "This mission is far beyond your pay grade…" He internally smirked at his students' horrified looks. "But if Uchiha-san agrees, then there shouldn't be a problem."
Itachi appeared at that moment, returning from her side-trip to drop off the captured ninja. She was immediately accosted by three pleading genin.
"Itachi-senpai, can we please rescue an island from an evil dictator? Please?"
"Itachi-nee, can we?"
"Itachi-senpai, I really want to kill some—er, test myself against enemy ninja!"
Itachi blinked slowly. "... sure."
"Well, that's settled," decided Kakashi. "Let's go dismantle a criminal empire!"
"The people of Wave were thinking of building a bridge here, but the ninja kept tearing it down. So we decided to hold off on the bridge until we defeated Gato."
"I see," said Naruto, boredly throwing kunai at a tree. "So, when're the bad guys gonna show up?"
Haku shrugged, adjusting her fake hunter-nin mask. "Don't worry, Naruto-kun. We'll just wait around here until they show up. That's what normally happens, at least."
"Don't jinx it, Naruto," said Kakashi.
"If it isn't Zabuza and his pet hunter-nin!" chuckled Gato from the distance. He put his hands on his hips and dramatically pointed towards them.
"He jinxed it." Sasuke sighed heavily.
"And I see that he's brought a few friends! But I've brought a few of my own!" He clapped, and about twenty assorted genin and chuunin appeared out of nowhere.
"You mean you've brought battle fodder." Zabuza laughed, even more dramatic. "They'll be nothing against us!"
"Oh, that's what you think." Gato cackled loudly, trying to upstage Zabuza's theatrical laugh. "But wait until you see my newest ninja!"
"I'm not your ninja," interrupted a vaguely familiar voice. "But I'm looking forward to this! I spy lots of strong fighters. It'll be fun to kill 'em and toss their bodies to the sharks."
Finally, Kakashi recognized the person walking towards them.
Fuck. Me.
With an all-too cheerful smile, Hoshigaki Kisame eagerly drew his monstrous sword.
AN: Y'all are probably getting tired of hearing this, but thank you so much for the favs, follows, and reviews! This story has crossed the 1K+ threshold for favorites, and now has over 400 reviews. I can't thank you all enough.
Of course, thanks to Duesal Bladesinger for being an awesome beta. Special thanks to Igornerd and Lord Darkly for their advice as well!
EvilFuzzy9 was kind enough to recommend this story in his fanfic, I Am NOT Going Through Puberty Again! I really appreciate it!
Holy mother of all that is good, Branches has a TV Tropes page! The link is on my profile. I'd love to see more added to it! Thank you, mysterious stranger who created the page way back in... December. (I only found out about it a few weeks ago. Oops.)
And last thing, I promise. I moved all the omakes/extras to a separate fic titled Twigs. I'll also be taking requests for scenes over there. Over the past few months, I've been editing and cleaning up this fanfic to make it a little more cohesive and organized. I'd love to hear what you think!
Next chapter will have the rest of the messed-up Wave arc, and Fugaku! Welcome back, over-protective Uchiha father!
Comments, criticism, and concerns are always appreciated.