Erase and Rewind

Pansy was getting really worried about Draco. He spent hours each day lurking down by the lake, completely withdrawn from everything. She was even beginning to wonder if he was contemplating suicide. He barely interacted with anyone and seemed totally wrapped up in his own mind. He was a physical presence inside of Hogwarts but his thoughts were elsewhere. Pansy had kept up her fledging relationship with Hermione but she wasn't saying anything about the night Draco had stayed in her common room. She'd given Pansy the bare bones but hadn't elaborated on anything. This cemented in her mind that something had happened and neither of them was keen to speak about it. She wondered if they'd got in another fight - it wouldn't be unusual. Most of their past history was defined by spats and harsh words, after all.

A week later, Pansy finally got tired of Draco's avoidance. She looked for him at the lake but he wasn't there. She then proceeded to search the castle until she tracked him down at the top of the Astronomy Tower.

"What are you doing here?" Pansy asked, concerned.

Draco turned around from the railing he was leaning on. "I'm not going to throw myself off so you don't need to worry. No matter how shitty things are, I'd never do that to my mother. Not after what she did for me."

"So why are you up here?"

"This is where so many things in my life went wrong," he replied.

"I was under the impression that your life got screwed up the moment Voldemort was resurrected and your father dragged you into his schemes," Pansy commented.

"True, but this is the epitome of how fucked up things got."

Pansy leant against the railing next to Draco and looked out over the vast expanses of the Forbidden Forest. "It's strange to think one of the most iconic events of the war happened up here. It's so peaceful now," she remarked.

"He offered me protection for mother and me. Did I ever tell you that?"

"Who did?" Pansy asked, confused.

"Dumbledore," he replied simply.

"You never told me anything about that night," she responded.

"I had him defenceless at the end of my wand and he wasn't afraid. He knew I wouldn't be able to kill him. He kept me talking and waited for Severus."

Pansy didn't know what to say. Draco had always refused to discuss that night. She knew something had gone badly wrong for although Dumbledore had died, it was Severus Snape who had killed him and not Draco as ordered. Draco had been severely punished for his failure. The Dark Lord had been furious as had his aunt Bellatrix. She'd been proud that her nephew had been chosen for such a task, and the fact that he'd failed had led her to use him as target practice for weeks. He'd been mocked mercilessly by other Death Eaters for lacking the killer instinct. He'd been labelled as pathetic.

"I thought it would be easy. I thought all you had to do was say a spell and it would be over. I didn't realise how different it is when you have someone at your mercy and they look you in the eye. He wasn't afraid of me at all. And he was right, it was the other way around and it was I who was at his mercy."

"His mercy? But you had his wand. What could he have done to you?" Pansy asked, confused.

"He offered me a way out. For a brief moment, I saw light at the end of the tunnel and I was so close to taking it. But then the Carrows, Rawle and Greyback showed up and the moment was gone. It was the only time he was afraid, you know."

"Dumbledore?"

"Yes, when he saw Greyback. He looked at me briefly with real disappointment. He hadn't been let down by all my actions before, like the fact that I was trying to kill him. But when he saw Greyback, he looked at me for the first time as if he didn't know me," Draco said. "And I wanted to reassure him. I wanted to let him know that he hadn't misjudged me and, that for all my faults, I would never have let Greyback into Hogwarts."

Pansy shuddered in revulsion at the thought of Fenrir Greyback. She had met him once, quite by accident. Her father had shouted at her afterwards for coming downstairs when he'd told her not to. He then proceeded to tell her in graphic detail what Greyback liked to do to young girls, and none of it was pleasant. Greyback had killed Lavender Brown later on, mauled her so much so that even though Hermione had helped her out, Brown hadn't recovered from her injuries. It felt so much more real when it was someone you knew, someone you'd gone to school with for seven years, even if you'd never been friends.

"I'm sure he knew that, Draco," she reassured.

"But I did let him into Hogwarts, didn't I? I might not have realised that he would be coming along, but I let people who wished Hogwarts ill into the castle. What if Greyback had gone a rampage? It would have been my fault."

"You didn't have a choice. You either did the Dark Lord's bidding or you and your family would have been killed," she said.

He turned to face her then and Pansy was shocked by the sheer despair in his eyes. "I keep telling myself that as if it's some excuse. But I always had a choice. I could've refused. For once in my life, I could've been brave and not done something I knew was wrong. Potter would have - no matter the consequences."

Pansy grasped his hand. "Draco, you had a completely different upbringing. You were told your entire life that the Dark Lord was protecting the wizarding world. You can't compare yourself to Potter. It will drive you crazy."

"Granger told me I have a chance to change things. That I'm wasting an opportunity to reinvent the Malfoy name and make it something to be proud of. She said I could prove to the world that I'm not just a little boy who followed Lord Voldemort."

She finally realised why Draco had withdrawn so completely. Hermione had done what Pansy had been completely unable to do; she had broken down the wall Draco was hiding behind, and her words had hit a nerve.

"But what if that's all I am? What if I can't be anything else?" he said brokenly.

"Oh Draco, you can be so much more," Pansy said, flinging her arms around him. "You have depths hidden inside you that even Granger can see. Why do you think I've been fighting for you so hard? I know you and I see what you don't let the world see. You couldn't kill Dumbledore because you are not that person, no matter how hard you strived to be."

Draco buried his head in Pansy's neck. "I don't want to be a mess, Pans. I don't want Voldemort to have any further hold over me," he muffled into her hair.

"And he won't, Draco, I promise you."

He lifted his head and gave her a kiss on the cheek. "I love you, Pansy. Without you, I'd be even more of a loser than I am already."

"Shh, you need to keep that quiet. We can't have everyone know what a softie you really are," she teased.

He tucked her head under his chin and just hugged her. He owed her more than he could ever pay back. If she'd given up on him, there would have been no way back for him. They stood like that silently for a long time, just holding onto each other and watching the world pass by. It was the most peaceful Draco had felt for years.

Hermione giggled as she, Ron and Harry snuck along the passage that led to the kitchens.

"Hush, Hermione, you're going to get us discovered and then your reputation as a squeaky clean Head Girl will be gone forever," Ron chastised.

"I can't help it. This feels like we're back in our first year except we're all squashed under this cloak," she whispered back.

"Shame it doesn't respond to an expanding charm," Harry sighed as Ron accidentally trod on his foot for the fifth time.

"We're here," Hermione said, lifting the front of the cloak and tickling the pear.

As the door to the kitchens swung open, Ron, tallest and at the back, tripped over Harry's feet, knocked over Harry, who in turn toppled onto Hermione. The momentum of the two heavier boys at her back pushed her forward and she fell over. Harry went flying on top of her and Ron, dragged by the front of the cloak now trapped under Hermione, fell on top of him. The thump of the three falling caused the house-elves to stop what they were doing and stare in astonishment as Hermione, Harry and Ron were revealed by the cloak, which landed in a puddle on her head.

"Get off me, you oafs!" she yelled, squashed.

Instead of answering her, she could feel Harry's body tensing up. "Come on guys, I'm seriously starting to struggle to breathe."

There was still no answer, then a voice she knew all too well drawled, "You heard the girl. You may want to get off her before you suffocate her to death."

She cursed the fact that her face was squished into the floor with her hair tumbling over her eyes, impeding her vision. All she could see were two shiny black shoes come into her vision.

"What are you doing down here, Malfoy?" snarled Ron.

"It's a free country isn't it?" Malfoy sneered back.

"Sadly for us, you are free," Ron growled.

Hermione wriggled and bucked like mad trying to get her two heavy best friends off her. Finally Harry seemed to notice her and pushed Ron up and off him and stood up. Hermione took some much-needed deep breaths, knelt on the floor and pushed her hair out of her eyes. The hostile environment was not encouraging. Malfoy was facing the three of them with his jaw tensed and clenching. Ron was getting redder by the second and his hands were clenched into fists. Harry was looking calmer but Hermione could see from the way his right eye was twitching that he wasn't as composed as he appeared to be. She sighed; she really wished she stopped getting into these little situations; they were beginning to show on her patience and temper.

"Get out, Malfoy," Harry said coldly.

Malfoy raised his eyebrows. "Why should I?"

"Because we don't want to see your nasty, ferrety little face, that's why," Ron replied.

Malfoy strolled over to the one of the replica house tables and sat down. "I don't think I will."

Ron stepped forward aggressively. "Get out or I'll make you."

"Guys, come on, here's Kreacher. Let's just get the stuff and go," Hermione interjected before a full-scale fight could break out.

The ancient house-elf shuffled over to them. "How can Kreacher help Harry Potter?"

Harry was so busy staring Malfoy down that he didn't pay any attention to the house-elf at first. Hermione nudged him in the side.

"Oh, hi, Kreacher. We've just come for some pumpkin juice and Cauldron Cakes," Harry said.

"And some sandwiches," Ron tacked on the end.

"Please, Kreacher," Hermione added, glaring at the boys for forgetting their manners. Kreacher bowed low and bestowed a smile on the three of them.

The hostility continued between the three boys and she felt like an extra in a scene of rampant machismo behaviour. She inwardly tutted but was just grateful that no further words were being exchanged

A small house-elf came hurrying over to Malfoy, a bag in its hands. "So sorry Master, Noktok did not mean to be late."

"No problem, Noktok. I'll see you the same time next week," Malfoy replied.

The house-elf nodded and disappeared with a click of its fingers. Malfoy stood up, ready to leave.

"Not so fast, Malfoy," Harry said. "What have you got in that bag?"

"I don't think that's any of your business, Potter," Malfoy replied, swerving around Harry to get out.

Harry put his hand out and grabbed Malfoy's arm. "Give me your bag; I want to know what's in it."

"Get your hands off me - now," Malfoy growled.

"Open the bag first," Harry insisted.

Malfoy went to push Harry away from him but Ron pulled out his wand and levelled it at the blond. "Show him what's in the bag."

Malfoy scoffed. "What are you going to do to me, Weasley? Curse me to eat slugs only to have the spell backfire on you? Oh wait, that already happened."

Hermione threw up her hands. "Oh for goodness sake, this is ridiculous. Harry, take your hand off Malfoy. Ron, lower your wand and stop being an idiot. Malfoy, give me that bag. I'll check it as I'm Head Girl."

Malfoy tightened his grip on the bag. "I don't see how this is any of your business. Why don't the three of you take your meddling noses back up to Gryffindork Tower?"

"I don't trust you, Malfoy, and you've tried to smuggle harmful things into the castle before," Harry explained.

"Fuck off, Potter."

Hermione looked Malfoy in the eye and put her hand out for the bag. "Just give it to me, Malfoy, and this will be over so much quicker and more pleasantly."

Malfoy scowled but handed her the bag. She opened it and groaned when she saw the bottles of alcohol. So that was how Malfoy had been getting all his booze in. If he had a house-elf bringing him stuff then it explained it all.

"Happy now, Granger? Give it back," Malfoy said.

"No, I'm sorry, I can't. As Head Girl, I'm not allowed to turn to a blind eye when you break the rules," Hermione responded.

Malfoy glared at her balefully. After she'd said it, she released how stupid it sounded as she had actively helped him break the rules previously. She saw the glint in his eye and pleaded with him silently not to say anything that would lead to more conflict with Harry and Ron.

"Whatever you say, Princess," Malfoy said maliciously before sauntering out the kitchens leaving both Harry and Ron staring at her in shock.

"What did he call you?" Ron asked.

Hermione could feel her face reddening and cursed Malfoy for opening a new can of worms. At least he hadn't mentioned anything about her help but to call her that in front of Harry and Ron was downright mean.

"Nothing. It's Malfoy being Malfoy," Hermione said.

"It doesn't sound like nothing and how come he didn't fight you over the bag like me?" Harry asked suspiciously.

"Try because Ron had his wand raised and you grabbed his arm. He was probably looking for a way out to save his face and I was it," Hermione answered.

"I don't know, Hermione. First you got involved between him and Dean and now he's calling you pet names," Ron said.

"Are you really accusing me of having some kind of secret relationship with Malfoy?" she asked.

"Don't be stupid, Hermione, but something isn't right," Ron replied.

"Look, I don't know how many times I have to say this, but I couldn't allow Dean to beat Malfoy up. I'm Head Girl, which means I have to stop things like that when I see them, otherwise I will lose my position," Hermione remarked, exasperated by having to explain this one more time.

Fortunately for Hermione, Kreacher chose to make his presence known again. "Sorry, Master, but do you want your things?" he asked.

Ron was over like a flash, taking the bag of food from Kreacher's hand and looking through what he had given them. "Kreacher, you're the best," he said with a big grin.

Kreacher hadn't lived with Ron for a few months without realising what his favourite foods were and how infamous his appetite was. He'd included several of them without being asked, knowing that Ron would happily scarf them down.

Harry took a little longer to look away from her. He was much more discerning than Ron and she breathed a little sigh of relief when his piercing gaze left her face. She knew this wasn't the end of it, but at least she had a little break in which to think of some more convincing answers before he started back up with his interrogation. He really would make a fantastic Auror when he finally graduated.

The trio went to leave when Kreacher called her back. "Miss Hermione, Winky made something for you."

Hermione beamed in pleasure at that news. Winky had blossomed under Kreacher's guidance. Whereas Dobby had tried to help her nicely and by covering her alcohol abuse, Kreacher had treated Winky with some brutal honesty. Having been fiercely loyal to some dark wizards, Kreacher had known better than Dobby which tact to take with her. Hermione had hardly recognised the little elf when she'd come to visit the kitchens to see Kreacher and the other elves at the beginning of the new school year. Winky was clean and a lot more cheerful. She could still become morose, but she no longer blamed herself for Barty Crouch Jr.'s downfall. She'd also struck up an unlikely friendship with Hermione. She was the house-elf charged with cleaning the Head Girl's quarters and she and Hermione got along famously now.

Ron rolled his eyes and stared hungrily at the food he was carrying. "Go on ahead," Hermione said with a smile, knowing that Ron's stomach couldn't cope with her holding a prolonged conversation with Kreacher about Winky.

Ron rushed out and Harry gave her a look said that he hadn't finished talking to her about Malfoy. She nodded her understanding gravely back at him.

Hermione turned her attention back to Kreacher. "So where is Winky?"

"She is on the early duty so she is sleeping but she planned on putting this in your common room tomorrow morning and Kreacher knows she will not mind Kreacher giving it to you early," Kreacher said.

Hermione peeked in the bag and licked her lips at the sight of her favourite lemon drizzle cake. She often had little goodies like this waiting for her. "Winky spoils me so much. Tell her thank you from me."

"One more thing, Miss Hermione," Kreacher said.

She turned back and gave Kreacher her attention.

"It is about Master Draco," Kreacher said, looking a little unsure if he was speaking out of turn or not.

Hermione groaned. It was bad enough having Harry breathing down her neck about it. "Go on, Kreacher."

"He is not a bad wizard, Miss. He has been drinking too much. Noktok tells me about it. He is sad. He is like Mistress Narcissa. He feels things more than a normal Malfoy."

"Why are you telling me this?"

"Because he listened to you. He listens to no one this year but you," Kreacher said.

Damn, Hermione thought. If Kreacher had picked up on that then she was going to have to have a stellar excuse for Malfoy's strange behaviour to Harry. Mind you, Kreacher was familiar with the Black family. Hopefully he was just sensitive to the Black moods through years of training.

"Thanks, Kreacher," she said.

"Please, Miss Hermione," Kreacher continued. "Kreacher loves Master Harry but he does not understand. I think you do. Try and help him, Miss."

Hermione gave Kreacher a reassuring nod and smile before leaving the kitchens. But she was feeling very far from comforted as she meandered her way back up to Gryffindor Tower. This whole situation with Malfoy was getting complicated and messy. It was very close to causing a rift between her and her best friends and she wasn't happy lying to them about him. She, Harry and Ron had been through too much together. They weren't her friends - they were her family. She didn't want to fight with them about Malfoy, but she also knew that she couldn't confide in them about what was happening. They would never understand. They would look to intervene and most definitely would forbid her from any contact with Malfoy. Hermione didn't react too well to being told whom she could talk to even if it came with good intentions.

Which brought her back the question that lurked in the back of her mind, bugging her. Why was she getting involved with Malfoy? She didn't particularly like the guy. Okay, so she could admit that he'd changed somewhat from the jumped-up little snot that'd swaggered his way around Hogwarts previously. But that didn't mean he still didn't have a nasty streak. It also didn't explain why she felt the desire to help him. She thought it was because she could read a panicked, desperate plea for help in his eyes when he looked at her. She recognised that he was out of control. She thought it was probably most likely because she couldn't stand by and not help when she saw a lost cause. And Draco Malfoy certainly represented that. He was as lost as anyone could be.

But was she missing something deeper? First Pansy had begged for her help. Then Andromeda had suggested that Malfoy might feel something other than loathing for her. And now Kreacher, most unusually, was asking her to help him. Since when did house-elves look to involve themselves in such matters?

Hermione rubbed her forehead in exasperation before saying the password to the Fat Lady. Malfoy was not good for her mental state. He was posing unanswerable questions for her when all she wanted was a quiet life and Outstandings on all her N.E.W.T.s.