Chapter 10: Stalling For Time Part 2

Mission(s): Matter of Taste * Side Mission

DLC: Mr. Torgue's Campaign of Carnage

"[Cough] BuffGamer here. Today I'm reviewing "Diamond Mercenaries 2." They gameplay's pretty dull, it sucked. Six out of ten."

Torgue then explodes, "F*CKING WHAT? DIAMOND MERCENARIES 2 WAS AWESOME! VAULT HUNTER FIND THAT A*SSHOLE AND KILL HIM BECAUSE I DISAGREE WITH HIS REVIEW SCORE."

Zero accepts the mission with a chuckle to himself, despite the distance this place was putting between him and Maya the assassin was still enjoying himself. After accepting the mission Zero hops in the Light Runner and drives back through the town and straight onwards down the canyon like tunnel out into the Southern Raceway.

After driving past the catch-a-ride station near the entrance to the Southern Raceway, Zero takes a hard right and drives straight over the side of a slope and between two rock ridges. After driving for a short ways Zero comes to a two way split in the path. To the right Zero could still drive his vehicle.

But Zero, after taking a look at his minimap, hops out of the Light Runner and heads left through a vehicle barrier. Zero walks down across sandy rocky ground and after 10 feet passes through another gate like structure but with no gate.

Torgue yells, "I RESENT YOU FOR DISLIKING A GAME I SPENT MONEY ON! TIME TO DIE!"

Zero walks down a slope and enters the abode of the ECHOnet reviewers.

"Aw, crap! BOYS! SOMBODY DISSAGREED WITH THE REVIEW!" BuffGamer exclaims.

Staying back near the entrance Zero uses his sniper and takes out a few bikers stationed around two buildings connected by a bridge suspended 10 something feet off the dusty rocky floor. After eliminating the bikers near the front of the area, Zero decides to take the high ground and walks up a set of steps. Crossing the bridge Zero stays on the right side of the canyon area and makes his way along to what his minimap shows to be the back of the canyon.

Zero passed among metal sheet shacks and walked up a few metal staircases. Just before he came to the area indicated by his map to be the abode of BuffGamer Zero lazily but professionally tosses a singularity grenade over the side of the rocky ledge covered in metal plates to the sandy floor below.

The screams of ECHOnet reviewers rise up to Zero's ears. Coming to a hut built on metal legs with a ladder leading up to it, Zero takes cover behind a metal leg and leans to the left of the leg. Bullets fly at him and Zero, using his un-parralled skills with the sniper – almost un-parralled except for Mordicai – he takes out the gamers one by one.

BuffGamer turns out to look like just another biker, but about Zero's size instead of the mutated looking variants.

"YOU SAID DIAMOND MERCHINARIES 2 SUCKED BUT YOU GAVE IT SIX OUT OF TEN WHICH IMPLIES IT IS ABOVE AVERAGE!" Torgue yells.

With his last breath BuffGamer replies, "It was just my opinion …"

After killing BuffGamer Zero mops up the rest of the ECHOnet reviewers, their heads exploding with satisfying critical hits.

Another head game reviewer then says, "Please … just leave! You've already killed BuffGamer, just leave us alone!"

Torgue then laments, "Eh – he's got a point. Head on back, Vault Hunter."

Zero accepting that the mission is more than likely over; heads back the way he came. After getting halfway to the entrance Zero is suddenly stopped and told to go back.

The Game Critic says, "Thanks, Vault Hunter. All this violence was more pointless than the stealth sections of "Triangle Quest 9"."

"I TAKE IT BACK. KILL THEM ALL. THE STEALTH SECTIONS OF TRIANLGE QUEST 9 WERE A GREAT CHANGE OF PACE FROM THE REGULAR GAMEPLAY! BURN IN HELL, YOU BASTARDS!" Torgue bellows.

Zero heads back to the place where he had killed BuffGamer, taking out the rest of the ECHOnet reviewers along the way. Game Critic turns out to looking surprisingly similar to BuffGamer and is dispatched in much the same manner.

"THAT'LL TEACH YOU TO HOLD AN OPINION CONTRARY TO MINE!" Torgue yells again.

After eliminating Gamer Critic Zero takes out the last of the ECHOnet reviewers.

Torgue then says rather calmly, "That's that – those tasteless bastards are gone. Come on back whenever you're ready!"

Meanwhile Maya is back at Tiny Tina's abode, accepting one last mission from her trainer before the now inevitable fight with Motor Mamma.'

Tiny Tina says, "I just bot a puppyyyyyy! His name is Enrique and he is as adorable as a mothahumpa. Do me a flava and take him for a walk, wouldja? It'd help with your training and give Enrique some exercise. I'll mark his location on your ECHO thingy."

After accepting the mission from Tiny Tina Maya drives along the crater road past the Badass Crater Bar to Enrique's location. Maya comes to a shack built on top of a cage. In the cage sits a skag covered in flames, seeming to be built out of them.

Tiny Tina exclaims excitedly, "There he is! To properly walk Enrique, you just gotta open his cage and lead him through some of his favorite spots. But be careful – he is a very affectionate puppy and he'll love your FACE off if you don't stay ahead of him."

Maya gets out of the dusty Light Runner, flits to Enrique's cage opens it, then immediately jumps back.

"RUN, VAULT HUNTER! RUN LIKE THE MOTHERHUMIN' WIND!" Tiny Tina bellows.

Panicking slightly Maya then begins the nightmarish task of walking Enrique. All she has to do is run trough the blazing hot sun, run across a lot of hot sand, and avoid getting hit by flaming jets of fire from Tiny Tina's dog who's made of fire. The bandits seem to have abandoned the crater at the moment, and Maya is left alone – regrettably – with the flaming dog/skag Enrique.

Maya makes it past Enrique's first favorite spot, with the dog following close behind.

Tiny Tina says encouragingly, "Keep those legs up Vault Hunter! You're doin' ace!"

Torgue then yells randomly over the announcement system, "BY SIGHNING UP FOR THE TORGUE BADASS TORNAMENT YOU LEGALLY GIVE UP YOUR RIGHT TO CRY, EAT TOFU, AND WATCH MOVIES WHERE PEOPLE KISS IN THE RAIN AND SH*T!"

Maya's now in a full out sprint unaided by her powers. Even though she could've gone much faster but she didn't want to electrocute poor Enrique. After about fifty feet of sprinting across nothing but lightly packed sand Maya passes another one of Enrique's spots.

Tiny Tina commands, "Whatever happens don't look back!"

Maya almost looks back to see the cause of her death, but Tiny Tina stops her with a screech, "I SAID DON'T!"

Now it was just about trying to survive the torture, Maya's legs burned, all her muscles ached from dodging Enrique's jets of flame. The slope Maya had to then run down made no difference, in fact it may have made it worse.

"If you can move this fast in the arena you'll be UNSTOPPABLE!" Tiny Tina exclaims.

Maya practically flies down the slope almost running into one of the small buildings next to the catch-a-ride station in front of the Badass Crater Bar.

"You're nearly done, pump those legs girl!" Tina says encouragingly.

Maya now halfway to insanity nearly turns on a dime and sprints desperately to the right back to Enrique's cage. Maya makes it back just in time to jump behind her parked Light Runner.

Tiny Tina then says in her puppy voice, but then switches to her normal voice, "Who's a tired little puppy? It's Enrique! Yes it is! Good job, girl. Enrique looks good and pooped. Come on back whenever you're done."

Feeling very pissed off, Maya moves her Light Runner back a ways then taking out the Norfleet fires three projectiles at Enrique sleeping outside his cage. He explodes in hot blood and flaming flesh, and a grin stretches itself across Maya's crazy face.

"Damn girl, that's my puppy and he was already tired out. I like it," Tiny Tina then realizes her puppy is dead. "ENRIQQQQUEEEE! WHYYYYYY? … Well, that's that. Who wants ice cream?"

Maya because she blew up her dusty Light Runner with the Norfleet ends up having to walk all the way back to Tiny Tina – since she's to crazed to remember any of the catch-a-ride stations along the way.

Despite Maya's attempt at pure fury Tiny Tina still celebrates, "PIZOWWWWWW!"