Ch 10 Inuyasha's Mind
"Jaken." Sesshoumaru's voice was as steel and cut through anything that the imp was bleating about.
"Yes, My...My Lord."
"I did not summon you, now go back to the duties I have set you this week. You have certainly not finished all your tasks and they must be completed."
"But, My Lord...Rin..." Jaken's voice tailed off as he caught the gleam in his master's eye. "Yes My Lord."
"Oh and Jaken, what I do with my brother is no concern of yours. Is that understood?"
"Yes Lord Sesshoumaru." With that Jaken went away and back to the tedious work that Sesshoumaru had set him when he had come home. Boring, but essential secretarial work that was vital and time consuming and should have kept him away from finding out about Inuyasha and bending his master's ears about his brother. Sesshoumaru knew very well who was responsible for the toad creature's disturbance and without raising his voice at all, he called her; knowing that she was close enough to hear.
"Hello Lord Sesshoumaru."
"Rin, you deceived Jaken; you told a lie and in doing so you let yourself and This Sesshoumaru down. Not only that, you took Jaken away from his duties and caused him to interrupt my dealings with Inuyasha and his physician. I wish you to go to your room for the remainder of the afternoon and consider that you could have caused my brother harm by being thoughtless." Then Sesshoumaru turned his face away from the girl, who's tears ran freely down her face; she was not used to being scolded and was rather more used to smiling her way out of trouble.
Sesshoumaru felt bad about upsetting Rin; but he knew that her maids were loving to the girl and she would not lack for company of a sympathetic sort during the time he had allotted for her to stay in her rooms. He also knew that she would not be fully comforted until she gained his forgiveness; but that would have to wait. He was very aware of the eyes of Setsuzentaru watching him;
"Yes, my boy; I have great hopes for the future of the Inu clan and that it is now in good hands. You handled the child well. But to return to this chick now. I have mind searched many hundreds of individuals; many different sorts of beings and they all have certain things in common. So you can trust me when I say, that I understand Inuyasha; even though he is an Inu-Hanyou and I am Eagle Youkai." Setsuzentaru paused awaiting Sesshoumaru's acceptance of his statement and that he would not be challenged on his diagnosis.
"I have complete faith that you understand what you are doing and saying Setsuzentaru; or I would not have asked you to put yourself to such inconvenience." Sesshoumaru ignored the quick look of skepticism that crossed the knowing face of the eagle and went back to regarding his brother.
"There is no physical damage any more, the wounds to the skull and the internal bruising have healed very well; not even an echo of them remains. However, the incense attack proved the catalyst for the boy's current state of mind. Forgive me if my explanation appears simple, it is not meant to insult your intelligence merely to illustrate how I perceive the psyche of any being.
"Everybody has within their mind, areas I see as colours; sometimes these colours overlap, sometimes they are layered in whole or part. Many times they look like clouds in oddly shaped groups. The lighter the colour, the more contented the area of the mind. Usually the conscious mind traverses these colours with little or no effort but the darker areas are harder to move through. All of these areas, light or dark are made up of the memories, thoughts and feelings of the individual; some are more solid than others, for instance happy memories that are repeated, make the area into a more solid colour as it is compounded.
Setsuzentaru paused and stroked Inuyasha's face tenderly before he continued talking.
"In him there is a band of muted colours so pale, that they are almost white; yet they are also scattered with grey pockets. It is here that I have found Inuyasha's conscious mind. But above this narrow band is another layer and this is the one that concerns me. There are no irregular shaped clouds in Inuyasha's mind, no where for him to find a path back from the light band."
Sesshoumaru, Kagura and Kaede waited patiently for further information; but Setsuzentaru seemed lost in thought. Eventually Sesshoumaru called him and asked if he could explain a bit more. Shaking his head, the eagle apologised and said that he was pondering over all he had seen in Inuyasha's mind.
"Your brother, Sesshoumaru is trapped in that narrow band of lighter memories that are his very early childhood. The only way back for him is through an almost solid and deep sheet of the blackest thunder cloud that I have ever seen in someone's mind. There is no break in this cloud; it goes from one side of his mind to the other and is composed as I said before, by memories and his thoughts and feelings; mainly from a fear of being alone and self loathing."
"Surely there must be colour in his mind, he has been happy with his Miko, his mother and his friends; it cannot all be black. Perhaps the colour was not obvious when you looked, do you need to see into him again, I do not mind holding him still." Sesshoumaru felt himself almost babbling and shut his mouth quickly.
"I said the cloud was almost solid, Sesshoumaru; his memories and feelings concerning those you mentioned, are indeed breaks in the black cloud, but they are still grey."
"Why? Why are they not coloured?"
"They are tainted with his beliefs about himself, he truly feels he is an abomination and filthy blooded. He has heard such things all of his life, since he was very small and he believes they are true; so therefore almost all of his memories and feelings, have tainted his thoughts for friendship and love. Then of course, the final layer was darkened further; when the Miko was taken from him. In all honesty I have never seen a mind so bleak of hope, as is your brother's and I do not know whether or not he will ever break through this barrier of his mind; but unless he does, he will stay a four year old forever; he will not grow in age again."
This explanation had put the cap on Sesshoumaru's guilt; he knew that he had done so much himself to instil this feeling of worthlessness, in his little brother and he was finding it hard to deal with. He had turned away and hidden both himself and his sleeping sibling behind the silver screening of his hair and he'd been unable to stop a few tears of his own from falling.
Kagura and Kaede had been speaking softly to each other and Kagura asked how Inuyasha had reached back to his childhood and why would he not grow again in mental age.
"The poison in the incense that initially knocked him out and then the damage to the physical brain, pushed Inuyasha's consciousness down; by suppressing the barrier for a time and so it couldn't affect him. Then he would have anchored on to the lighter and more pleasant area of his brain. But now he is too young to realise, that he could try to breach the barrier back again; he just doesn't know what he needs to do; or even that he needs to do it. He is quite happy as he is and doesn't want to go near the darkness in his mind."
Sesshoumaru heard the questions and answers from the others and knew deep inside himself, that he would always try to help and look after his baby brother; after all, he bore a lot of the responsibility for the dark and despairing cloud, that was now stopping the older boy from resurfacing. A hand passed around his hair and into his personal space as Setsuzentaru broke another crystal beneath Inuyasha's nose to awaken him. It did not take long for the boy to stir and the eagle once again took charge; as he checked Inuyasha's reflexes, to make sure that nothing out of place had happened whilst he slept.
Inuyasha yawned widely and sniffed;
"Why's you cryin Sessoru?"
"Because I was very bad Inuyasha and now I'm paying for it and so are you."
"I's not got no monies, but yous can takes my ball if you like. Don' cry Sessoru, it makes Inasa sad." Inuyasha found himself in a solid embrace again and he shuffled around trying to get free. "You's squasin me's, Sessoru; I's can't breeve." Sesshoumaru smirked; feeling better, when Inuyasha sniffed again. "Rin cryin too; as see got to pay zwell as Inasa and Sessoru?"
"No Inuyasha, she has already paid for her mistake."
"Can I see her, make her better?" Inuyasha ran off when he got the O.K. from his brother and Kagura took his place. Sesshoumaru held on to her tightly as she wisely said nothing and all of them thought long and hard on what they had found out about the hanyou. Finally Kagura stood and became the consumate hostess; as she invited them all to refresh themselves and come for the early evening tea. Sesshoumaru decided he had better check on Rin first and so he walked to where he could hear her and Inuyasha talking.
"I am sorry Lord Sesshoumaru, I didn't think; please forgive me."
"Of course I forgive you Rin; you have learned your lesson, I am sure." 'As have I.' he added in his mind.
"See all better." Said Inuyasha in a sing-song voice. "Is it tea time Sessoru?" And he grabbed Rin by the hand and they trailed after Sesshoumaru towards the dining hall. Inuyasha was making Rin giggle by stalking Sesshoumaru's tail; although some painful memory warned him that pouncing on it, was not a good idea. Sesshoumaru was well aware of what his brother was doing and it made him smile too. At least if Inuyasha had to stay this age it was better for all of them, than if he had been a true baby.
The meal was a rather subdued affair for the adults, but not for the children. Rin and Inuyasha were giggling and playing staring games at each other and neither noticed the sombre mood of the others. Then once they had gone to bed, Kagura and Sesshoumaru were able to relax and plan for their banquet which would happen the following week. Already Jaken was preparing guest rooms for those who were coming early; some set to arrive the next day. Setsuzentaru was going to stay to observe Inuyasha for the time; to see if he could get any clues that might help them, to bring Inuyasha's true self back.
There was no point in shielding Inuyasha away from anyone now; it would be better to allow the questions and answer honestly, than try to pretend that nothing was wrong and hide the hanyou in a secluded part of the Palace. Sesshoumaru and Kagura always made sure to spend time in play with the younger ones; but one game of hide and seek showed up a potential danger. Sesshoumaru found the pair up in the canopy of the tallest tree on the estate; when he found them, Rin was standing on Inuyasha's crossed knees bouncing and trying to get above the top leaves.
Sesshoumaru took one leap up and grabbed the pair; one under each arm, then landed and walked with them still gripped tightly, to his rooms where he told both of them off, with threats of dire consequences if they ever tried such a stunt again. He explained to Rin that although Inuyasha's body remembered how to jump very high, his mind didn't recognise the danger he had put them in. If she fell, he might not know how to save her. The Youkai Lord came to the conclusion that having a permanantly four year old Inuyasha was going to give him a huge headache.
Rin dragged Inuyasha away by the hand and they decided to plague Jaken instead; the imp had been told to look after the pair before dinner. Jaken was not happy with this arrangement; he was not entirely sure that Inuyasha was genuine, he thought that Lord Sesshoumaru was being taken for a ride by his hanyou brother. Therefore Jaken was keeping a close watch on Inuyasha, waiting for him to slip up; meantime he had to join in with the play. During the week leading up to the banquet, Inuyasha was kept busy; he had to have fittings for his new kimonos and he loved going down to the kitchens and helping out.
The cooks, in addition to their normal cookery; had to indulge the young hanyou when he wanted to make biscuits and other messes. But they didn't mind too much, Inuyasha was quite talented and could be asked to help properly. It seemed that there were some memories that helped him automatically and these could be used. Setsuzentaru was optimistic when this was discovered. Inuyasha's conscious memories were still locked in; but other subconscious things, seemed to be coming more to the fore.
This came to the attention of Sesshoumaru in a most noticeable way. Jaken had been showing some guests around the Palace; as a small group of them had interrupted his 'baby-sitting' of Inuyasha, asking for directions. Jaken had seized the opportunity to escape from the perpetual questions of his Lord's younger brother; eagerly volunteering to be their guide. He had then told Inuyasha to stay put and not leave the room he was in, until Jaken came back for him and the boy had nodded his head agreeing that he would do as he was told.
Almost as soon as Jaken had gone, two tall and handsome youkai came into the room and showed great interest in what Inuyasha was painting. He was happy to show them his 'beautiful' pictures and was busy explaining them, when one knelt down and peered into his face.
"Hello Inuyasha, do you remember us?"
"Yes, you is Sessoru's friends."
"That's right we are. You really think you are four years old again don't you?"
"I is four."
"Good, we want to play with you Inuyasha, do you remember?"
"I's not want to play, yous hurts Inasa. Go way." Inuyasha was trying to back away, but the two youkai were flanking him as he cornered himself. The way they smiled was frightening him and bringing back memories he didn't want. "Go way, I's tell Sessoru."
"Sesshoumaru gave you to us to play with, don't you remember? He is not going to stop us, we are his friends. We want to play with you now, you have become such a beautiful boy." By now they had pinned Inuyasha to the wall and one of them was untying the boy's clothing. Inuyasha started to whimper and whine as he twisted, trying to get away. No one was going to help him; he recalled that Sesshoumaru had indeed given him over as a toy and he had no way of knowing that Sesshoumaru had no idea of what these of his 'friends' were really up to, having been deceived himself.
"I told you afor I's not got a tail, stop tutsin me. Go way." Inuyasha was getting distressed; but that just made his tormentors laugh, until they were being clawed and bitten. Inuyasha hadn't transformed; but his claws had grown, as he instinctively prepared his 'Sankon Tessou'. Once again his body had done something he could not do when he really was four. That was how Sesshoumaru found them as he arrived, scant seconds after Inuyasha's attack; having smelt the panic and fear coming from his brother.
Sesshoumaru took in Inuyasha's state of deshabille and his anger rose to be a tangible force in the room, his claws turning green and his eyes red. He deliberately walked forward to the two perpetrators of his brother's assault and slashed across their faces and stomachs with his poison. They needed and deserved no explanation for their deaths and they received none. Sesshoumaru was so hot with anger that he seemed colder and calmer than ever and now he had to deal with his brother who was still staring with huge eyes and dilated pupils; his breathing fast and shallow.
The Youkai Lord excercised his control and went over to Inuyasha; soothing him with calm words as he retied his brother's clothing, making sure he was gentle and didn't alarm him further. When Inuyasha was decent again, Sesshoumaru put his arms around him and gave him a hug holding him tight; his brother was still murmering that he was not a toy. Sesshoumaru was finding it hard to get the pup to stop and so he just held him and tried to reassure him; realising that Inuyasha was in a state of shock.
When Jaken returned ten minutes after the event he was most alarmed when Sesshoumaru turned red eyes on him and growling deeply, told him that if he wanted to live, he had better not be seen for the rest of the week. He had betrayed Sesshoumaru's trust, in failing to protect his younger brother and Sesshoumaru was finding it hard to forgive him at the moment and didn't want any excuses. Kagura took Inuyasha from Sesshoumaru and gave them both some sweetened tea for the shock and she rocked Inuyasha when he finally broke down sobbing. The tears released all his pent up tension and it was not long before he was bouncing back with smiles; as he felt safe again tucked closely next to his brother and his brother's mate.