Chapter 10
"Hello, Meredith," I give her a small smile as I enter the elevator on my way to the OR for a surgery.
"Hey Derek."
"How have you been?"
"Fine."
I let out a small chuckle. "Of course you are. Headed home for the night?"
"Yeah. It's been a long day," she said with a sigh. "Surgery?"
I nod, the smile dropping from my face, "Eight year old boy. Severe head trauma from being hit by a car in the middle of the street. His parents let him walk around unsupervised. I'll probably be here til 2."
"Oh. Sorry. About the boy I mean," she said, putting a comforting hand on my arm as the elevator doors open, signalling that it's time for me to go perform my surgery.
"Thanks, Mer." I give her another small smile as I walk out, my arm still tingling from her touch. "I'll see you around."
"Bye, Derek. I'm sure you'll do fine."
I walk towards the OR with my spirits slightly lifted. Mark was right, elevators were my friends. It wasn't much, but it was something. Somehow, I can't help but think that Meredith wanted us to be friends again. I know I can't get my hopes up, but it was something. I think I can finally tell her everything I've been wanting to. As I walk into the scrub room, I can't help but smile a little despite the little boy on the table fighting for his life. Things with Meredith were starting to look up.
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"BP is dropping Dr. Shepherd."
"Damn it. I can't get the bleeding to stop. Suction, please." Beep, beep, beep, beep. "Shit! Give me the paddles," I yell as a nurse hands them to me. "Charge to 300. Clear." Nothing. "350. Clear. Dammit, come on Mikey. You can do this, buddy." I plead to the 8 year old boy, lying on the table, his life literally in my hands. These were the worst. The kids. They don't deserve to go through this, especially Mikey. It's not his fault. It's his fucking parents who don't know how to look after their kid. His parents who let him wander around, not caring that what he does.
"It's been five minutes, Dr. Shepherd," a nurse solemnly tells me.
I sigh. "Time of death. 20:54. Can someone close please," I ask one of the residents, walking away with my head down. I failed Mikey and now I have to tell his irresponsible parents that their son, who they never cared for enough, died on the table.
"Hey, Shep."
"Not now, Mark," I growl.
"Sorry about the kid," He says sincerely. Like me, Mark has always had a soft spot for kids and he too hated the fact the Mikey was in the hospital because his parents neglected him in the first place. "We can go to Joe's tonight if you want some company."
"Not tonight, Mark. I think I'm just going to go home," I tell him, as nicely as I can while the anger towards Mikey's parents bubbles inside of me. It wasn't Mark I needed. Not tonight. I needed Meredith.
"Alright Shep. Just...it's not your fault. It's those fucking people who call themselves his parents."
"I know. And now I've got to find them and tell them their son is dead. I'll see you tomorrow," I said, turning around to find Mikey's parents.
"See you, Shep."
I know it's not my fault. There was too much bleeding. He was in rough shape when they brought him in. I know I shouldn't be this emotionally attached to the case. But even if I never got the chance to talk to him, I knew Mikey was a great kid. I knew he didn't deserve to die. Rationally, I know it's not my fault. But I can't help blaming myself. If only I tried harder, then Mikey would still be here. If only I tried harder, then I wouldn't be so miserable. If only I tried harder. If only.
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It's been two and a half months since Derek and I broke up. Two and a half months since I've been coming here to think about everything that has happened. Two and a half months of the back and forth in my head. Two and half months of wondering if I made a mistake.
It's been a week since I told David that it would never work between us. A week since I realized that I needed Derek in my life, that I wanted him to be my friend. I could've told him that in the elevator earlier, but I chickened out. Again. I couldn't muster up the courage to tell him that. I couldn't muster up the courage to tell him that I want to be able to trust him. So here I am, sitting on a cliff overlooking the city of Seattle with my thoughts, as I have done on many nights in the past two and a half months.
My sessions with Cristina have helped me a lot in the past two and a half months. I've seen myself grow as a person and as a surgeon. Without all the extra baggage, I have been able to fully focus on my work. I've also established an awkward, yet meaningful relationship with Lexie. I ashamed to say I never gave her a fair chance. We are so much more alike than I ever thought we were. We're friends right now, but we're working on being sisters.
I have finally accepted my mother's death. In her own way, I know she loved me. I realize now that in trying to put me down, she was only trying to push me, to prove her wrong. She was trying to motivate me to show her that I can do this, that I can succeed in life, not because I'm a Grey, but because I really can do it. In her own, twisted way, Ellis Grey made me who I am now. One of the top residents in one of the best hospitals in the country. She made sure that I learned from her mistakes. She made sure that I had the will to fight for what I want. Which leads me to Derek Shepherd.
I can't deny anymore that I want to be with Derek. I want him to be MY Derek again. I've wanted him to be my Derek from that first night at Joes. I knew that he was the one guy I could get ready for, the guy who I wanted to go home to every night. But I also know that it can't happen overnight. I'm not ready for that yet. But I'm ready for us to be friends. I'm ready for us to get to know each other again. I'm ready to learn how to trust him. I want to be there for him when he's happy. I want to be there for him when he's sad. I want so many things with him, but I know we can't be anything but friends. Because Derek doesn't want to be anything more than friends with me either. He's made that perfectly clear. Derek wants someone who is ready now. And I can't help but think that had I worked through all my issues when I accepted that the Derek was the one I wanted to spend my life with, we'd be together now. We'd be happy. And I'd be ready.
With this in mind, I slowly gather my things to go home. And that is when I hear the sounds of a leaves rustling nearby. I've been caught.
I
knew when I saw you
The day when we first met
I'd say anything
just to stop your world
And my love has never left
I did not
hold the answers
Didn't know the story's end
But did my words
find you then?
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thanks everyone for the comments! i hope you guys are enjoying this. the updates following this are longer and more loaded with actual progress in their relationship. i'd love it if more you reviewed, but i'm glad you guys are reading anyway :D