Disclaimer for this chapter: I do not own "One" by Metallica, "Eternal" by Ishihara Shin'ichi, nor do I own "Glaring Dream" by Bad Luck. I own only the sonnet and this story
AN: A bit depressing chapter, but what can I do..? I hope you'll enjoy it. Twist and turns can already bee seen on the horizon…
And please review afterwards. :)
Colder
Chapter 10: It's in the Blood
No matter what happened out there, you are my Shu, the essential part of me from which I cannot escape even if I wanted to.
I hug you from behind, letting you spend the night in my bed. Your body is so warm. And I cannot say a single word to you, for I am so utterly broken, so tired of struggling with my emotions and the idea that you have new life, friends, and lovers.
But if you don't love me, why did you lie down next to me, why did you let my arm be placed over you?
I pull you closer and wrap you in my embrace in hope that I could absorb some love from you, some human characteristics, for now I see how much I was wrong and how much I feel like a monster.
When a heart shatters, there is no turning back. I broke your heart too many times and your heart stopped loving me. I don't blame it. It has all the rights to erase me from its memory and put me on the black list.
But it hurts, the acknowledgement that I am unloved, discarded. And it hurts even more when I discover that it is me who caused that to happen.
And I wake up every day with that discovery hanging in the air, giving a bitter, unbearable taste of defeat to everything.
I cannot stop my eyes; they release the juices of woe. And right now, I don't feel like living.
Tears are staining the back of his neck, and I think he is aware of it, yet he says nothing. There is too much pain in my lungs. I want to cry out loud, to scream, to hit him, for, how dares he to have somebody else?!
He is mine, but he is not. No, no, he is not mine, he doesn't love me anymore and it's entirely my fault…
But I really don't have the right to say that my life isn't worth living. Although I scream in my mind: "Please, God, kill me!!!", there are a lot worse cases than mine.
There used to be a video which Shuichi hated to watch, for it was making him very sad and upset. It was called "One", and was performed by Metallica.
It was about the solider who had lost his arms, legs, hearing, vision, voice, in war. The only thing he had was his consciousness. Nothing more. And he had the right to say: "Kill me." his life is a lot worse than mine. I have no right to tell that my life should be over.
_____________________________________________________________________
You were right all along, and I was just a stupid jerk. But still, I want you to give me another chance. I can promise you I'll be faithful, I can promise you I'll be more careful to you, I can promise you everything…But I cannot guarantee that I will keep my promises.
You are the first on my list, although it doesn't seem so.
When you were out with Taki, I took your iPod and listened to music. And I found ballads, only ballads. Of course, among them was "Eternal", your favorite song.1 But there were only ballads and nothing more…
Why are you so sad, Shuichi? You cannot trick me, I know you too well. And I'm happy you don't love me anymore, thus, you have one reason less to make you sad. But why are you sad, my love? Why, when you have everything?
Even Taki, the one who raped you, is making you happy. He accomplished something I never managed to.
I placed the iPod on its place and headed to your study. I wanted to see projects you were working on…
I found some poems by T.S. Elliot, and you underlined the verse: "I'll show you fear in a handful of dust" 2What are you afraid of, Shu? And I saw some of your projects…
Ballads.
I am so loveless,
All around me lies.
What can stop this loneliness?
On the timeline, where the hope dies?
Shut up! Don't say a thing!
You now nothing about me.
What is it that sound in my heart, that ring?
What is it, can you see?
The walls are so resonant.
And I am all alone, my thoughts in you, can you read?
Why is this life so resistant,
Why it allows me not to breathe?
I feel so abstract and artificial
And I cannot wait to make my death official.
You wrote a sonnet, in a Shakespearean rhyme3. I never knew you were interested in literature. And your verses were so dark…I went to the kitchen to take some water and drink my meds, and then, you entered with…Taki.
"Yu-Yuki? Are you awake?" I hear your voice.
"Yes, I am." I whisper.
You turn to face me, and my arm is still wrapped around you. It feels so warm…
"I've been having some migraines last few months, so once, when I came to visit Taki, I went to see a doctor…And he told me that I had a brain tumor."
The whisper that dissolves into the bustling crowd
makes the memories scattered underfoot blur together.
You say something like that, and all my head does is to hum the song for whose lyrics I said they sucked. But, actually, they sound pretty good in my ears now.
"A-are you sure?"
"Scanner never lies, Eiri." you say, chuckling.
The blazing of the street where I walk about lost (glaring one way)
illuminates me as coldly as though it freezes.
You grip my T-shirt.
"But I don't feel like being alone at the moment, Yuki…I will die in a few months."
Do you...do you still love me?
"What do you want me to do?" I ask, feeling something swirling in my stomach. It's going up and up…
I jump from the bed and you jump after me, holding my head, while I puke the blood. My guts hurt from strain, my stomach is burning as well as my throat, my gullet…Heart is trying to pump as much blood as possible to keep my body functioning, to help it get through the shock…And you're holding my head, tightly, protectively…Your palm on my forehead…
The cold times make dreams fall like rain and slip through my hands.
When I woke up from the countless wishes, you are reflected in a shimmering
illusion --
the silhouette whose faint smile leads me along.
You help me wipe my mouth and you lead me to the sink. I feel the wet towel placed against my forehead and it feels so nice…
"I'll call the ambulance."
"No…It's nothing, Shuichi." I try to convince you.
---
"I just want you to be my friend." You say, "It'd be nice to spend some time with you."
I look at you. You're lying on your belly, across the bed, while I'm sitting next to you. You're playing solitaire and it seems that you still can't figure how it should go. Such a simple game…yet some people never change. You're still a little dense, aren't you?
I smile at you kindly.
But you don't see me. You don't seem to figure out soon that the black eight can't go on the black nine…
Even if the gentleness that tells about only what makes anxiety flow
had fulfilled eternity, I still don't want tomorrow.
I don't want to be your friend.
"I translated 'Glaring Dream' into English" I say.
"Oh, really?" you quirk an eyebrow. And just then I see you hairless, lying in a hospital bed, IV's in your veins…Pink hair would be gone…
"Yup. I did it yesterday, when you were out."
"I thought you hated the song."
"I still do." I say, yet I don't mean that way.
You say nothing about it.
"So, do you want to be my friend? Or am I a hindrance now, when I'm seriously ill?" I hear bitterness behind your words.
"No, Shu. I wanna be your friend." I say, ruffling your pink, already messy, hair. You look at me with kind eyes and you smile.
"Thank you."
The words that I have to give to you are (it's talk to myself)
falling into an everyday routine, even without shadows.
---
"But Yuki, please don't say a thing to Hiro, K, or anyone else. Nobody knows." you warn me. I just nod, trying to suppress new amounts of blood threatening to go out through my mouth.
I hate its metallic taste.
With a trembling finger, I gather up the dreams; without even breathing
on them, they're crumbling.
Even the certain things are too unreliable; if I believe in something, can
I be with you again?
It's whitely vanishing, the silhouette of that day.
But please kiss me once…Just one more time…
"Shuichi?"
"Yes?"
"Can we kiss one more time? And then let's be just friends." awkward words come out of my mouth lately.
Looking up at that palely-dyed season (Life Winter Dream)
I, who stopped to stand still, am swept away.
You look at me, confused.
"What?!"
"No, no…" I lower my head. "Forget I said a thing…"
Your eyes are full of tears…I know that.
Will you say in the end:" Please, kill me"? I killed your soul and your body will soon be taken from you. Nothing will be left of you…Just like in the "One" video.
"I'm afraid to even think that someday…I won't exist anymore…That people will forget me…my mother, sister…Hiro…" You say, your voice trembling. "Taki…"
And I can't stand this pathetic moment anymore. Every your word makes me dissolve in acid.
I grab you and shove my tongue in your mouth and you…you…
You kiss back, eagerly, massaging my tongue with yours, thoroughly, hungrily…
The wind blows it out, makes it be left behind; even the yearning is growing
numb from the cold in my heart.
The song will never leave me alone…
The cards are all misplaced (as if they were in a proper order while you were playing solitaire), as you shove me and I fall on my back. I puke blood, again, but in your mouth. The metallic, salty taste is mixing with saliva, pouring down my neck and staining your mouth, lips, and chin; yet you don't mind it, you actually moan and dig your tongue deeper, to collect all of me inside of you as much as possible.
This is sick, this is so sick…
The cold times drift about in dreams, but are caught and held in your hands.
When I woke up from the countless wishes, you are reflected in a shimmering
illusion --
the silhouette whose faint smile leads me along.
You're licking blood from my neck. You roll me over onto my belly.
"Facedown, Yuki" you say in a seme voice I rarely had a chance to hear…
Fuck me, Shuichi…
I would have drowned if I stayed on my back…
You strip my underwear. We never got dressed since you hopped into my bed. I can feel your hard cock press against my entrance.
Yes…
Oh yes…
But no! It's just an illusion.
You still kiss my neck and lick the blood from it. You do it so desperately…
Now you have my blood in your system…Can it make you live forever?
And then, all of a sudden, you stop.
You stand up and you blush! It's so adorable!
"I'm…I'm sorry…" you mutter. "I never meant to…"
I smile at you.
"I know. No worries." But it tears me apart. You sit on the bed again.
"What about the paparazzi and all?"
"Ah. No worries! I'm leaving in a few days. I bought the tickets to Brazil. I'll hide there for a while. But I have to find the one who placed the camera in my apartment first."
"Ok" you say. It sounds like you don't believe me that I never recorded home videos of that kind. "Wanna some breakfast?"
Stop being so cold…
Just stop it!
Please stop!
Shuichi…
"That'd be lovely" I say.
---
TBC…
1 See "Cold", chapter 11
2 My favorite line from "Wasteland" by the said author
3 Shakespearean rhyme-we were doing this in our English Renaissance class., so I thought it might me interesting to write a sonnet myself.