Trigger warning: Heavy implications of depression, peer pressure, and self harm. If it makes you uncomfortable, PLEASE DON'T READ. Stay safe everyone!
"You're amazing, Castiel Novak."
Dean whispered, pulling his lips away from Castiel's jaw, causing a small shiver to run down Castiel's thigh. He wanted this. He needed this. He had been dreaming of this since the first time he saw Dean without a shirt on.
Castiel watched as Dean slowly removed his shirt, his arms crossing over themselves as he pulled the fabric up and over his head.
"Baby please, I don't want to do it tonight."
"Oh, come on Cassie, baby, don't be like that. You said that last night too." A sloppy kiss was pressed to Castiel's neck and it made him flinch.
"Just relax baby…"
"Cas?"
Castiel blinked a couple times, trying to push through the haze that covered his eyes and mind. When his vision focused, he saw Dean sitting by his side, a concerned look in his beautiful eyes. "Cas, babe, are you alright?" Dean reached to caress Castiel's face.
Whack!
Before Castiel even knew what was happening, his hand reached out and smacked Dean's hand away from his face. Realization set in as hurt settled on Dean's face and Castiel reached for Dean's hands, clutching them tightly.
"Dean, I am so sorry, I didn't mean to- "
Castiel cut himself off with a sob he didn't realize he was holding back. He realized that he had tears streaming down his face, which was probably the cause of Dean's concern. Castiel took a deep breath and closed his eyes for a second.
"I want this, Dean. I want you."
Castiel opened his eyes and squeezed Dean's hand tighter.
"But I want you when I'm not making a rash decision. I don't want our first time to stained with regret, and if I have sex with you right now, it will be."
Castiel's hand left Dean's and rested on Dean's neck, rubbing his thumb in small circles. "I hope you can forgive me." Castiel whispered. Dean responded by leaning forward and capturing Castiel's lips in a slow kiss. "I can't be mad at you Cas. Of course, I can forgive you. I would look like a real asshole if I couldn't after you handled my situation last night."
Castiel laughed quietly. "Has it really only been a day? It feels like an eternity." Dean smiled and captured Castiel's lips again before lacing their fingers together and putting it to his bare chest, over his heart.
"Can you feel that?"
Castiel could feel the hammering beneath Dean's hot skin and he nodded slowly.
"It's beating for you Cas. Every breath you take, every move you make, every time your eyes meet mine, it pounds. I haven't felt this way in such a long time, and yet, every time I look at you, I feel this way. Feel my heart beat, know that I'm here, know that I'm real."
Castiel felt tears well in his eyes again and held his hand there, even when Dean removed his hand. A few moments of silence passed before Castiel moved his hand down Dean's chest before coming back up, making Dean shiver slightly at the coldness of Castiel's hand. He rubbed small circles around the bullet scars before feeling every part of Dean's skin, almost trying to commit it to memory. Castiel felt Dean's fingers ghost at the hem of his shirt, slipping underneath to stroke Castiel's skin. Castiel allowed Dean to take his shirt off slowly before being pushed gently back against the bed.
Castiel reached down and finished pulling off Dean's pants, running his hand up the hard muscle; it wasn't anything sexual, more like he just wanted to be as close as he could to Dean. Dean ghosted his lips over Castiel's shoulders and Castiel tilted his neck to allow dean more room before running his hand flat against Dean's back slowly. Dean unbuttoned Castiel's jeans and pulled them off before pressing a kiss to the inside of Castiel's thighs, making Castiel shiver slightly.
Dean crawled back up to Castiel, kissing his jaw before hovering inches away from Castiel's lips.
"I love you."
Dean whispered, looking at Castiel's lips before looking into his eyes. Castiel smiled and rubbed his thumb over Dean's bottom lip gently before pulling Dean closer and pressing his lips to Dean's.
They fell asleep, their legs intertwined, hands resting on each other's bodies.
x.x.x
Castiel knocked on Gabriel's door, shoving his hands into his pockets as he waited. Gabriel answered the door only a second later with a smile on his face. "Cas! What's up?"
"Can we talk?"
Gabriel nodded and opened the door to allow Castiel inside. "Everything okay Cassie?" Gabriel asked, concern filtering in his voice. Castiel gave a pointed look to his brother but didn't comment on the nickname; instead, he ran a hand through his short hair as he sat down on the couch.
"I mean, I think so. There's just been so much shit lately, and I feel a little overwhelmed."
Gabriel sat across from Castiel, linking his fingers together. "Come on Cas, you know what your therapist told us; when you feel overwhelmed, you have to talk me through it. What's going on?" Castiel took a deep breath and looked up at Gabriel, guilt settling on his heart. He hated making his brother concerned for him, and by him not talking to his older brother, of course he was a little mad.
Especially with what Castiel must tell him.
"Before I begin, promise me you won't get mad."
"You know I can't promise that."
Castiel raised his eyebrows slightly as he nodded. "Right, well at least try." Castiel took a deep breath again, trying to calm his racing heart.
"Cassie, you don't have to tell me anything you don't want to. I'm not going to love you any less, and I'm not going to hurt you in any way. Do you believe me?"
Castiel swallowed harshly before nodding slowly. "I love you Castiel. I'm not going to push you into doing anything you don't want to do." Castiel wiped his eyes and nodded again.
"Thank you, Gabe. You know I really appreciate you, and everything you've done for me." Gabriel smiled and stood to his feet before sitting down next to Castiel. Castiel immediately put his head on Gabriel's shoulder, already feeling comforted by the presence of his older brother.
Silence fell over the two brothers as Gabriel rubbed Castiel's shoulder gently. "I almost had sex with Dean." Castiel said quietly, breaking the silence. Gabriel's hand paused on his shoulder and Castiel could feel Gabriel tense up slightly.
"Almost?"
Castiel nodded. "I ended up not being able to, because I had a flashback again. Of… Him." Castiel didn't have to look up to see Gabriel tense up. His hand paused on Castiel's shoulder before rubbing it harder. "He can't hurt you anymore Cas. You know that right?"
"Yeah, I know. That doesn't mean that I don't freak out about him Gabe. I wish I could just forget him. I wish that he never came into my life. I wish that I could just love Dean with no fear, no regret, no holding back. I wish that I wasn't so messed up."
Castiel didn't notice that he had started crying until he realized his hand was wet; and suddenly, nothing could stop. He was sobbing, darkness threatening to consume him as those voices he normally kept back started shouting, screaming, until they filled Castiel's ears with a loud ring. It was quiet, but it was so loud, and suddenly Castiel wanted nothing more than to stop everything, stop breathing, stop feeling.
"CAS!"
Castiel jerked up at the loud roar of his name and saw Gabriel sitting in front of him, anger on his face but fear in his eyes. Light gradually came back into Castiel's vision and the voices quieted once again, until Castiel realized he was sitting on the couch in Gabriel's living room and not floating in nothingness.
"Come back Castiel, breathe, fucking breathe god damn it!"
Gabriel frantically yelled, his grip too tight on Castiel's shoulders as he shook him. Tears were brimming in Gabriel's eyes, threatening to spill over and his hands were shaking slightly as his nails dug into Castiel's skin.
Castiel blinked a couple times before taking a deep breath, allowing Gabriel's counting to guide him.
"….8….9…10…. exhale…1…2…3…"
Castiel repeated this a couple times until his heartbeat evened out and the ringing in his ears faded away into nothing. Once Gabriel was satisfied that Castiel was calm now, he took Castiel into his arms and squeezed him tightly. Castiel relaxed into the embrace and started crying silently again when he felt Gabriel's quiet sobs.
The two brothers held each other, quietly crying until the tears faded away and soft breathing took their place. Though the two had stopped crying long ago, they still held each other, taking comfort in each other's heat and presence. Gabriel hung tightly onto Castiel, his body still trembling slightly though his breaths were calm and even.
After a moment or two Castiel leaned back slightly, a tear falling from his eye again. "I-I'm sorry Gabe, I'm so, so sorry, I didn't mean- "
"Shh Cassie, it's okay, it's okay. I know, I know."
Gabriel interrupted, pushing the damp hair away from Castiel's forehead. Castiel began crying again as Gabriel kissed his forehead, his eyes screwed tightly shut to keep back his own second round of tears. Castiel felt awful, about himself, the situation, what had happened.
"Can I stay the night?"
Castiel whispered, his voice breaking slightly. Gabriel only held him tighter.
Castiel fell asleep in Gabriel's arms.
x.x.x
Castiel awoke in the middle of the night, too hot and dying to pee. He untangled himself from Gabriel's arms and legs and walked to the bathroom, blurry eyed and yawning. He did his business and went to wash his hands before he caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror. Castiel paused, turning off the water and drying his hands, his eyes never leaving his reflection.
A hand reached up to touch his face, tracing along the soft jawline, his thumb reaching the middle of his bottom lip. It was too plump, too red against the paleness of his skin. His eyes, though a stunning blue, were too soft, too rounded. His hand reached down to his throat. His skin was too soft, the absence of an Adam's apple too apparent. Castiel slowly removed his shirt and put it on the counter next to him, his eyes staring at his chest.
Castiel never slept with a binder on because 1) it was uncomfortable and 2) extremely unhealthy, but in this moment, he wished for nothing more than to go back to Gabriel's room and put it on.
His breasts, plump and round, looked like someone else's. Like someone had taken his head and put it on some random woman's body. His waist was too curvy, too much like an hour glass. Castiel reached up and took his breasts into his hand, pulling them as far apart as he could before it started to really hurt. He tried flattering them until his fingertips were red and his skin white. Castiel let go when he couldn't stand the pain anymore, his eyes staring at the red hand marks left behind. His hands curled into fists, his nails biting into his skin as he stared at his reflection. Those damn voices were talking again, whispering, threatening to get louder and louder-
"Cas? What are you doing?"
Gabriel's sleepy voice broke through the small crack in the bathroom, reminding Castiel that he hadn't shut the door all the way.
"I was using the bathroom."
Castiel whispered back, keeping his eyes trained on that door.
"Well come back to bed. You've been in there forever."
Gabriel complained, making Castiel smile, despite his terrible mood. "Okay Gabe, you head back first, I'll just be a second."
Castiel waited until he couldn't hear Gabriel's grumbling anymore before turning back to the mirror. He stared at himself for a moment longer, staring at the scars that littered his breasts. He touched one gently, letting out a small laugh; how cowardly of him. He picked up his shirt and slipped it back on before shutting off the light, allowing darkness to consume him.
Hey everyone!
I'm SO sorry that this took me so long to get out, life just got really crazy with finals and then the holidays, and it was just a lot. Thank you all for your patience though! I hope you enjoyed this chapter!
A huge thank you to DeanBean, hectatess, and Brookie Twiling for reviewing the last two chapters! You guys are awesome and Liz and I love reading your reviews!
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Until next time!
Much love and stuff,
-ImmaSlytherout