AN: Hey guys. I'm really sorry it took so long, but I have been really busy at school. But here it is. I may be a bit busy for a while, but I have like the following chapter almost done so. It shouldn't take too long, I won't promise anything though.
Thanks for reading! Love always.
Hope is a dangerous thing
As they laid in bed, embracing one another, silence wrapped itself around them, cradling them in a cocoon of comfort. A kind of silence that needed not actions to make the air breathable.
Piper's body had ignited again when her request had been met; Alex would stay and be with her.
It felt like she was finally breathing and like the air was touching her skin again.
Now, when they laid in the still of the moment, joy ran through every fiber of her body. Even if it was as simple as lying down in a bed, while the sun lit and warmed the room, holding her love in her arms, stroking the skin of the other with tender hands. As simple as getting her skin tenderly touched, meeting eyes that didn't waver, light smiles playing in both of their eyes as the sun rose higher. Just this simple existing was enough, for once in Pipers life.
Even if it was enough, thoughts swirled in her head, it could never seem to stand still. They came and went, but didn't settled long enough for Piper to care.
Then, her thoughts seem to agree on one thing; This wouldn't be a smooth ride. Things were yet do to be discussed and words to be yelled at each other. There would be fighting. She swatted those thoughts away, not wanting them to cloud her mind at a time like this, when she had finally gotten what she wanted.
Even so, a little voice whispered in her head that, when there is light, a little darkness must come. She killed the consciousness with her own words, saying that she would be equipped this time, guided by a light at the end of the tunnel. The sword ready in her hand. Her weapon of choice would be the truth. She was ready and wouldn't run at the first sight of danger.
Alex was the first to break through the comfort that the silence had encradled them in. It wasn't really with words rather than her stomach telling them that it was time to move to the part of the house that held food.
Clothes came on and they moved to the kitchen in search of something edible. They found some eggs and bacon, like a good breakfast should include. Alex was pleased and offered to make it into a dish.
While the apartment started to ooze of bacon, Piper called her boss.
After seeing Alex toss in her sleep, she realized she needed to be there for her while she was adjusting to her freedom.
Piper had never seen something like it. She could only imagine how vivid the dreams must be to have created that reaction. Alex never used talked in her sleep, not that she was aware of. When she was dreaming now, her voice was quite clear and it was like Alex was elsewhere but her body was left in bed with strings attached to it, moving it, but also restraining her from taking full action towards her shadowy enemies.
It wasn't just about her dreams though, to step into the world after not seeing it for a couple of years was like trying to swim before you've learned how. The world was cold at times and didn't stop to take a single individual in consideration. It kept moving, how much one begged for it to stop, like when one is too drunk and everything is spinning out of control and all one can do is hope someone is there to hold ones hand through it all. Piper would stretch out her hand this time, like she hadn't all those years ago, even if she fought hard with her heart to stretch out her hand to Alex then. She just couldn't at the time, it felt to dangerous and her head had slowly won over her heart in that debate and was set before the horrible news came. She just couldn't stay, even if she almost had.
Piper wasn't sure how much time Alex had spent away from the world locked up in prison, behind beige walls and slow routines. Living in a fishbowl with the tiniest insight in what happened in the world beyond those dirty walls. It had to be at least five years, and a lot happens in that amount of time. There were many new thing to maneuver around and having a hand to guide one through the jungle of things that were new would be nice, Piper thought.
The thought of being away from Alex made Piper's stomach twist and turn into knots, almost leaving her in a cold sweat. That was yet another reason to take a week off. She wasn't ready to be apart from Alex now that she finally had her back. Deep inside she found herself worrying that she would come home one day and found out that Alex was leaving her. She hated herself for having the thought, she couldn't doubt this. If she did, it would fall, she was sure of it.
After the matter was settled with her boss, Piper hung up. She kept the conversation low. Alex hated when people pitied her, it'd probably not changed. It was a strong characteristic feature Alex had. She always wanted to feel in control, like she could take down the whole world with one blow.
A strong characteristic Piper had was that she tried to avoid conflicts for as long as possible. She silently cursed herself for yet again walking around on eggshells, like she was avoiding bombs in a war. She couldn't worry about conflicts anymore, she had to stand proud and with a straight posture in an incoming war, letting the bombs fall around her. There would be disagreements, and had to be. Besides, Alex said she liked the honest Piper, and she felt like she owned Alex everything she liked.
Piper entered the kitchen and Alex looked up from her cooking. She was currently frying both bacon and a bright yellow omelet.
"What was that about?" Alex looked curious and her entire focus was on Piper.
"I called my boss and asked for the whole week off." Piper said simply and watch how Alex's facial expression changed. It went from curious to a stern and cold look. If one looked closely, one could see how her iris's almost turned to ice. Piper steeled herself.
"Why? I'm fine by my own, you know. And you need the money, right?" Alex said before she turned her attention to the food on the stove.
Piper sighed, and walked up to Alex and put her arms around the others waist. She wouldn't let Alex win this. She could really care less if Alex became pissed at her, she was doing this for her.
"I want to help you. I saw how you tossed in your sleep and I know how hard it is to adjust to the freedom you are so suddenly given. I want to be there for you like I wasn't all those years ago." Piper felt how Alex stiffened a bit under her touch.
"I don't need help. Like I said. I'm fine and if you need the money, then go and work." Alex said as she poked on the bacon that was slowly being cocked to perfection. Piper didn't need to see the others facial expression. She could hear the stern tone in the voice and found a look in her head that matched it.
"I know you can do fine on your own, but Al..." Piper was interrupted by Alex, who turned around and stared at her with a calm but quite pissed of look. She freed herself from the blondes embrace.
"Piper, I don't need a babysitter." Alex said plainly.
"Look. You don't have to like it, but I want to do this for you. Not because I feel sorry for you or that I think that you aren't capable of coping on you own" Piper enclosed the space between them, trying vary hard not to let her temper take over.
"Let me do this for you." Piper said and stared into the other set of eyes, which softened a bit but she didn't get a reply from Alex.
"And don't worry about the income. I have saved up some money, and I still have PoPi. I work on that with Polly when I have time. She makes the products and I set deals. We still haven't made it in to Barneys but we're getting there. I'm working on a deal right now, so no need to worry." Piper said and stroked Alex's arms gently, hoping that the other would just accept her offer.
"Please, Alex. Let me do this. If not only for the company, and I'm not going to follow you around like a hawk. But please, let me." Piper tried hard not to let the sad puppy-eyes look show, that wouldn't help matters much. Alex sighed and fiddled with her glasses but didn't look Piper in the eyes when she finally answered.
"Okay, but you don't have to." Alex then returned to the cooking. Piper sighed and turned Alex around and brushed a way a strand hair out of the her face. It didn't feel good the way they had ended the conversation. She heard that Alex still had some what of a sour tone in her reply. Piper leaned in and kissed her softly, and Alex returned it just as softly but just stood there. Piper began to stroke the naked skin under Alex's shirt hoping that the small gesture would calm and tell her that it all was okay. Piper felt like there was no other way of telling this. Seldom was words the way to got with Alex. She fought to well with them.
Since the first look they had ever shared, matters were settled in utter most quiet or in the bedroom, letting their action speak louder than their words. One could almost say it was some sort of telepathic communication.
Silence is a flawed thing, words can cause flaws but, to not communicate in words leads to interpretations that do not always match the actions or intentions of spoken words, and here she was doing it all over again. It just felt to good to not do it in the current situation. They were to familiar with that way of handling things to not fall back there again.
As always, Alex took the lead and finally wrapped her arms around the blonde. She kissed her way down Piper's neck and whispered against Piper's skin.
"It feels so good to have you again." Piper clutched her arms tighter around Alex's body and shivered from the kisses and her words. It may have been a slip, but it warmed Piper to her core, considering that they just had a small fight of some kind, she wasn't sure what to call it, but at that moment, it didn't matter.
The feelings crept down her spine and tickled her nerves. The kisses were lighter than a feather caressing her skin, which caused her nerves to restrain against her skin to feel the contact of the others lips closer to them.
"I can only say the same." Piper stumbled upon her words as her minds entered another state. A state in which cohesive thoughts were repressed and couldn't get their message to reach the receiver. Piper could care less about the food on the stove as she felt a set of hands travel down her body and groping her ass. Alex playfully bit down on the skin of her neck as her hands squeezed Piper's ass firmly. It seemed like both of them had forgot the primitive need of food as another need took over.
A whiff of air escaped Piper's lips as Alex continued to caress her skin with both her teeth and lips. Piper found that those lips weren't where they were supposed to be; on her set of lips. She grabbed the black hair of the other and pulled on it until the other set of lips were on hers. It was a rough kiss, displaying the core of their need.
Piper was about to lift the others shirt when her stomach protested, deciding that it was no longer going to wait to be fed. When the sound reached Alex's ears she couldn't help but laughed at it. A primitive instinct that got in the way of another. Alex turned around and saw to getting their food edible. Piper sighed at the lost of contact but couldn't help to smile. Her actions had most definitely cheered up the raven-haired woman.
During the meal, Piper briefly told Alex that writing and visiting Nicky had helped her when she first got out. Even though it felt like she was falling out of an airplane without a parachute every time she set her foot in there. So whenever she entered the prison, she kept chanting in her mind that she was just visiting and that nobody could put her in handcuffs in there. She was free and it was good to see a face that wasn't judging her.
Alex sat in silence while Piper talked, seemingly uncomfortable listening to what was said judging by the wrinkle on her forehead. Piper tried not to think about it too much. She thought that it would be good for Alex to be reassured about her new life without using cliché statements like "It's going to be fine". Those words would most likely provoke another fight and make Alex shut Piper out.
When all the food was consumed, they still sat at the table. Alex looked down on the plate, seeming to consider something.
"Why haven't you dated someone?" Alex looked straight into Pipers eyes. They looked like a beautiful sunny spring day that hasn't got the warmth that summer has, like something was missing. Piper was a bit surprised at the question. Piper vaguely remembered that morning when she told Alex she hadn't had anyone new during the five years they spent apart. Still, it surprised her that Alex brought it up, why was it important really.
"Nothing could compare to what we had, or you. I was still in love with you. I tried to deny it, but at some point I could no longer run from it. Besides, they all seemed so dull and uninteresting." Piper smiled a bit and Alex snorted, a bit of warmth returned in her eyes.
"You're such a snob when it comes to dating. I can't really see how I passed through all of your criteria. You sassy WASP." A weak smirk appeared on Alex's face as she arched an eyebrow and waited for the blonde to reply. Piper just smiled at this, considering what she would reply with.
"You set all of my standards. Don't flatter yourself honey, but you're sexy and you know it. Why do you think I fell for you at first? You radiate confidence and it's such a fucking turn on. Besides, I like hot people. You're lesbian catnip, and you know and love it. I'm just amazed that I caught your attention." It may not have been the most adequate thing to reply with, but right now she wanted to laugh, and for Alex to laugh with her. Ego-boosts and flatter would always work on Alex. It always brought out the playful side of her. Piper smirked a bit as Alex chuckled at her statement.
"Hm, yeah I guess I am." She chuckled a bit more before she calmed down and thought of Piper's other statement.
"Well, I can never resist a girl that looks as innocent as you do. Those Bambi-eyes of yours, you know? And If I'm being really honest, I thought you would just be another sweet girl to take to bed, but when I saw your eyes, they showed me something else; That Bambi was just for show. You could play dirty and wouldn't shy away and then, I experienced you in bed." At this they both laughed before the raven-haired woman continued.
"You wanted to rebel. I saw girls like that all the time, but your combination was extraordinary. You're all the things I need in a woman." Alex lifted her empty juice glass to a cheer and snickered as Piper followed suit.
Silence once again settled between them. This allowed Piper's head to go into overload again. There were so many things she wished to ask Alex, but all of these questions seemed to be too soon to ask. As Piper wandered away in her thoughts a question slipped between her lips before she couldn't really analyze what she said.
"How did you manage the new prison?" Piper bit down on her tongue and cautiously waited for the reply. Alex sighed and looked away, out into dead space, seeming to consider what would best answer the blondes question at the moment.
"I couldn't mange to get myself to interact that much with other people there. I had a bad heartache..." Piper looked down on her plate empty, feeling how the line of words hit her right in the stomach. Stillness settled between them before Alex voice once again resonated in the air.
"So, I mostly stayed to myself and practically lived in the library. I even got to work there. It was way better than the fucking laundry at Litchfield. I worked mostly alone and didn't do something I hated. It helped me." Alex said and Piper could only nod and hoped that Alex would share more of her time there.
"Nicky wrote to me as well." This took Piper by surprise and she looked up from her plate and onto Alex, which eyes still stared out into the air. Nicky hadn't ever said a thing about sending Alex letters. She only told Piper that Alex had sent that one letter last time she visited the brunette. Piper furrowed her eyebrows in confusion.
"She would write about your visits. She said that you talked about me a lot at first, but then you stopped. She told me how you looked while you talked about me." Alex brought a hand up to her face and fiddled a bit with her glasses.
"But Nicky said you hadn't sent her anything besides that last letter." Piper said, still slightly confused.
"I sent two letters to her. The first saying that I needed to be alone for a while, but that I would like for her to keep sending me letters if she felt up for it. And she did. She saw that you still loved me, and thought it might me good for me to hear that, either because I would enjoy that you suffered or she really knew that I could never stop loving you." Alex's eye's hadn't moved one bit.
"But when you stopped talking about me she took it as you had met someone or got back with Larry." Alex paused for a bit and brought her eyes down to the table, looking like she relived every event she told.
"After I read that letter, I cried at night for weeks. But somehow I never lost my hope, and I knew you would pick me up when I got out of prison, even if you were married to him. And I'd take it from there." Alex's eyes finally met Piper's. They looked a bit blank but not so sad as her memories sounded to be.
Piper felt like every bone in her body broke when she heard that Alex had cried from reading a letter. How simple words had caused her pain and left her thinking that Piper was happily married and didn't love her, when in reality, Piper loved her more than anything sane on this planet.
How much more pain would she make her loved one feel? She felt how the self hatred burned in her, making her body seem hollow and heavy. She had caused so much pain and even if Alex said she had forgiven her, she wasn't sure she could ever forgive herself. It felt like a too big of a task.
Piper tried to push all of these thoughts away, but they kept crushing through her defense. Pushing words out of her mouth, that couldn't make any of this better, but still they came. Flooding out of her, as she always wanted to explain herself, it made her feel better.
"I'm so fucking sorry Alex. I was so broken then, at Litchfield, but I didn't realize it. And all I could worry about was what other people thought of me. I just had to be this perfect blonde girl other people thought I was and wanted me to be. It was so important to me, but it isn't anymore. All I want for myself is to be happy, and I am with you." Piper felt how tears started to streamed down her cheeks, tickling her skin as they softly fell. She still felt like she hadn't explained everything yet, but as she ransacked her mind, she couldn't find words that would be sufficient enough. So she just babbled on, like she did when words weren't enough.
"Why was I so lost? I don't know, and I don't know if I can ever forgive myself for doing that to you. How could you forgive me for doing it? A second time as well?" Piper stared at her as more tears caressed her cheeks, dragged down by gravity, the way Piper's reality seemed to be going, down. Even though she had what she had wanted for so long, right infront of her.
Alex took a deep breath and just stared at her with soft eyes.
"I know, and it was hard. But when you forgive someone, you do it even if it still hurts sometimes." Alex looked at her with soft eyes. Eyes that was warm again, but Piper couldn't feel the warmth the eyes held. The words hit her right in the stomach. "Even if it still hurts sometimes." She was still hurting, Piper thought but Alex interrupted her.
"You know, I kept replaying that scene in the library over and over again. I just didn't get it. You said you loved me. But what you said before that hit me harder and I wasn't paying attention to your eyes. Your eyes never lie, Pipes. And I realized that you meant those words only. I lived on those three words while I was locked up. That and the fantastic library they had. It soothed all of my wounds. But yeah, it hurt like hell that you felt like you had to push me away again." Alex walked over to her and brought her up to embrace her. Letting the silence cradled Piper into a calmer state of mind before she softly spoke.
"I get that it is hard to hear, but we have to be able to tell each other things like this." Alex wiped away some tears as she said that. Piper couldn't bare herself to look into Alex's eyes. She felt like she didn't deserve her and yet again, her head shifted in to overload with negative thoughts, but she felt calmer and pondered on what Alex whole dialog with her had contained. Before she could over analyze things, Alex interrupted her line of thoughts.
"It may sound cheesy and hard to believe but I had hope, hope in us. I always seem to take you away." Alex smiled a bit as she said this and brought Piper to look at her. Piper stared in awe at Alex. What she had gone through and yet she could manage to have hope? The worst possible thing one could have in prison, as her former bunkie had once said.
"You know, Miss Claudette once told me that hope is a dangerous feeling to have in prison. I can't believe how strong you've been and I'm really glad you had hope in us." Piper said and rested her head on Alex's chest, letting the warmth of the embrace chase away all self doubt and bad thoughts.
"I know, but I only did what we should have done from the beginning. Trust each other and have faith in us. Because, look how right I was." Alex smirked a bit and kissed the blonde. Piper smiled into the kiss before she broke it and made eye contact with her.
"You make me brave Alex. I just forgot it." Piper smiled a bit and kissed her again. It felt nice how just a kiss could smooth over all bad feelings. Maybe it was dangerous to swipe it all under the rug, but right now, she allowed herself to do just that.