Wow, so sorry I haven't posted in a while. I've been really sick with the flu for the last week so I've barely been on the computer or even out of my house for days. Thank God it's better though. Here's the next chapter, which most of you may not like very much but just bare with me okay?

Ending it When You Don't Want it to End

The next day, Ryan lays awake beside a still sleeping Taylor Townsend. He glances at the clock beside her which reads 9:17. Taylor's been sleeping in late these days for someone who always gets up early- even on a Saturday. He wonders how late she stayed up waiting for him last night. Which is earlier than him-but that doesn't mean anything.

He left Marissa's at around 1 o'clock while she was sleeping. He got home at around 1:20 when Taylor was sleeping. As he climbed into the bed beside his fiancé, he wondered briefly what he'd have to tell her the next morning about his whereabouts. And when she curled into him in her sleep this time, he couldn't bring himself to hold her like he usually does. Partly out of guilt; but mostly because he'd just left Marissa's war, naked body.

Needless to say he didn't get much sleep last night.

His phone starts buzzing on the table beside him and he reaches for it, looking at the caller ID quickly. Marissa. A small smile forms on his lips and he pushes the sheets off of him and walks out into the hall, adjusting his boxers. "Hey," he whispers into the phone.

"Hey," he says softly and he can hear he smile in her voice. "I just wanted to make sure you got home okay."

"Yeah," he pauses, listening to her yawn. "Sorry. But you fell asleep on me."

"And with good reason," she teases.

He smiles, remembering their activities the previous night. He remembers kissing every part of her body until there wasn't a centimetre of her skin that he hasn't tasted. He remembers kissing her lips hard enough to make them swollen and bruised yet again.

"Okay, well that's all I really wanted," she says cheerfully.

"Oh, thanks," he says sarcastically.

"I'll see you later?"

"Yep," he says, leaning against the wall.

"Kay. Bye Ry," she says hanging up.

Ryan leaves the phone at his ear until the dial tone comes on and he closes it. He turns to walk back into the room when it starts to vibrate again. He sighs and puts it back to his ear, forgetting to check the ID. "Hello?"

"Hey man," Seth says on the other end.

"Hey Seth."

"Did I wake you?"

"Nah, I was awake," Ryan says. In fact I barely slept, he adds in his head. "What's up man?"

"Okay so Summer wants to take Taylor out for lunch so I was thinking I could go over there? Play some playstation?" Seth's voice is unusually hopeful.

"Sounds good man. Just come over whenever," he tells him. He waits for Seth to hang up before doing so himself. He walks back into the bedroom and puts his phone back onto the bedside table, glancing at Taylor. She was still sleeping. Peacefully-which he takes as a good sign. He smiles weakly to himself and disappears into the bathroom.

Marissa and Kaitlin simultaneously put their shopping bags down and sit in a table for two at South Coast Plaza in the food court. They're both ordered their lunch silently before picking out a table in a far corner.

"So Ryan's having an affair," Kaitlin says bluntly taking a bit of her vegetable salad.

Marissa almost chokes on her water in mid-sip as the words casually leave her sisters lips. She stares at Kaitlin in disbelief who absently avoids her questioning gaze.

"Yep," the younger Cooper says. She moves her gaze to look at her sister and smiles.

"H-how do you know?" the blond sister asks, stuttering over her own words. If her 18 year old sister knew this, then who else did?

"Well he's barely home anymore for one," Kaitlin says casually, through another mouthful of salad "Plus he's happy like ALL the time. I mean he's happy enough Taylor, but not like this." She looks up to peer at her sister who's purposely avoiding her gaze.

"Maybe he's just...changed," Marissa whispers. It's a lame excuse, but she has to try.

"Which is exactly why he's never this happy," Kaitlin explains. "After he got used to you not being here, he got better. Happier. But there were still moments you know? Like when he would brood when he thought no one was watching. Or sometimes if you really looked, he wasn't the same." She watches her sister as she pushes her plate away absently. "He's definately having an affair."

Marissa runs a nervous hand through her hair and leans into the back of her chair. She can't help but wonder if anyone else knows. Because if Kaitlin knows, then how easy is it to notice? Is she the only one who knows?

Kaitlin watches her sister in amusement. Deciding she'd let her suffer long enough, she takes a final bite of her salad and swallows it quickly. "With you," she tells her very shocked, very take aback older sister. "Am I right?"

Marissa looks at Kaitlin and swallows the nervous lump in her throat.

"I knew it!" Kaitlin exclaims proudly, taking her silence as a confession. She leans back into her chair. "You and Ryan are never this happy unless you're together."

"Maybe we're just friends," the nervous blond suggests, finally finding her voice.

"C'mon Rissa. Seriously? This is me you're talking to."

"Does anybody else know?" Marissa whispers.

"Just me."

"You can't tell anyone Katie!"

"Chill sis'. Your secret's safe with me," Kaitlin promises.

"Not even Taylor, especially not Taylor."

"I won't."

Marissa nods and leans forward, resting her elbows on the table, her head in her hands. She should know by now not to be surprised by her sister's intelligence. Tears sting the backs of her eyes as realization kicks in. "I'm a terrible person aren't I?"

"No, Rissa," Kaitlin says softly, reaching out to hold her hand. "I mean it's probably not the best solution, but your relationship has always been difficult and confusing. Why stop now right?"

Marissa laughs through her tears. This is why she loved Kaitlin, she isn't afraid to speak the truth, or be blunt.

Taylor and Summer slide into a booth at the diner, opposite each other. A waitress greets them almost immediately with menus and Summer thanks her. Taylor has barely said anything since they left her house. She barely said anything to Ryan after getting out of the shower. He got home late last night, after she'd gone to bed. He hadn't offered an explanation and she didn't ask. She didn't want to know. Well she does, but she's scared of the answer. Normally she would have confronted him by now, but she can't bring herself to ask him.

She takes a deep breath, preparing to ask one of the many questions burning her mind. "Are they just one of those couples that will always be a couple?" Taylor asks, absently flipping through her menu.

"Who?" Summer asks. She knows who her friend is talking about, but she asks anyway.

"Ryan and Marissa," Taylor whispers.

"Taylor....Ryan loves you."

"Yeah but he loves her more...doesn't he?" Taylor's voice is shaky and nervous and scared and she hates it. "And I mean, yesterday, the way he looked at her..." Tears threaten to betray her eyes and flow over her rims. "He doesn't look at me that way."

"Taylor," Summer says sternly, reaching for her friends hand so that she would look at her. "He's always going to love her. But he's marrying you."

"That doesn't matter Summer!" Taylor yells, the words coming out louder than she had intended. She looks down, embarrassed. "I'm always gonna be second best to her...I'm never gonna be good enough." As the words leave her mouth, she realizes that that realization doesn't hurt quite as much as saying it out loud does...

"So I need to talk to you," Seth says, breaking the last half hour of the awkward, uncomfortable silence.

After Ryan had gotten out of the shower at around 10, he found her in the kitchen. He kissed her on the lips, an action that was barely returned. Their breakfast was shared in silence-neither awkward nor comfortable. She went up for a shower at around 11 and she only told him because he asked.

When Seth and Summer showed up they stayed for a but before Summer and Taylor went their separate ways. This time she kissed him back, but only barely.

Ryan looks up at Seth and pauses their current video game. "I kinda figured that," he mumbles.

"I need you to tell me something man," Seth tells him, putting down his controller, once again, to give Ryan his full attention. "Honestly."

"Okay..." Ryan wants to laugh, to lighten the suddenly heavy mood. But he decides against it

"I hope it's nothing. But what's going on with Marissa?" Seth asks. He wants to ask 'is there anything going on?' but he knows that there is something-even if he hopes it's nothing.

Ryan looks down, because he knows that guilt will be written all over his face-especially in his eyes.

Seth sighs as Ryan looks down because it could only mean one thing. "Ryan...I thought you ended it man..."

"I did-I tried..."Ryan trails off and raises his gaze to his brothers. He expects to find Seth angry, but he isn't. He's...confused; worried, even. "I can't," he says honestly.

Now it's Seth's turn to look down. Ryan isn't the kind of man to cheat on a girlfriend, whether he loved her or not. And normally Seth wouldn't understand, but he does. He wants to, but can't deny the fact that it IS Marissa. And when it comes to Marissa, it's like Ryan is a whole other person. In high school, when they were together they were REALLY together, and when they weren't together, they were still together...

Ryan sighs. "Having her back is like...having my life back man."

"I get it man..." Seth sighs. There's so many things wrong with the situation, but there's so many more things right and even he knows that. He knows that ever since Marissa came back, Ryan was happier-like truly happy. He's been more outgoing, less broody... There was a time when Seth would've done anything to have Ryan and Marissa be together; to have the Core Four be together. But this, he knows, is wrong. "I do get it. But you can't do this. You either have to end it with her, or with Taylor. Because you can't have both."

"I know," Ryan says, barely above a whisper. "How do I do that? How do I know who to choose man?" He leans back into the couch, crossing his arms over his chest as if to protect himself-an action Seth has seen too many times since the accident.

Seth follows and falls into the back of his chair. "I don't know..."

For the past hour, Ryan has sat in complete and total silence. Human silence. The only sounds he could hear-vaguely-hear is the sound of the ocean hitting the rocks nearby and faint sounds of teenagers further down the beach. Although he's glad that the lifeguard tower is still around-because he doesn't know what he'd do if they ever took it down-he's also surprised. He's the only one who really uses it; because it holds significance for him... and for Marissa. 'You're not alone this time'.

Her voice is sweet and soft and exactly what he needs to hear in his ear as the memories of her come flooding back. Especially their moments after the shooting, the day on the beach where they had snuck away and made out for almost an hour at the side of the lifeguard tower, the couple of minutes before the carnival, the night after Trey had left for the last time.

He shuts his eyes tightly, to drown out the memories; the pictures of her face, the sound of her voice, the feeling of her skin under his fingers; he lips on his. If he wants to think-and really think to make a decision between his fiancé and his Marissa, he has to stop thinking of her like that.

How is he supposed to choose? He loves both of them. He loves Taylor because she's Taylor; she's quirky and confident and weird and he likes that. She had saved him from himself after the accident-after Volchok. Taylor can tell him how he feels, what he's thinking before he knows it himself. Taylor loved him enough to stay, to put up with him everything after the accident.

And he loves Marissa because...she's Marissa. They are Ryan and Marissa. She is his. Always. She's innocent and fun and carefree and he loves it. She's dysfunctional. He loves her dysfunction; their dysfunction. He loves how she never tried to change him, but had embraced the changes he had made. She saved him from Chino; from a life that was giving him nothing. She doesn't need words to understand him-all she needs is a look, and a look she'd give back. She loved him enough to let him go back to Chino that summer with Theresa-to make herself understand even though she didn't want to. Even though it nearly killed her. She loved him enough to shoot his brother, to save his life...and to let him save hers.

He's so deeply in love with Marissa; and it scares him. It's always scared him. It doesn't scare him anymore that he loves Taylor. He owes them both so much...

Ryan rubs a rough hand over his tired, frustrated, depressed face. He paces in his and Taylors living room, waiting. His decision was made and now all he has to do is break the news...to Marissa. At the thought of her name, his stomach drops and he feels as though he's going to be sick. He wishes he could wait (so that he isn't doing it so soon after her birthday) but he knows if he waits, he'll chicken. He wishes he didn't have to do it at his house but he knows that if he goes over to her place he'll chicken out. And he can't chicken out. As much as he's dreading that he's about to do-because all he wants to do is curl up with her in her bed and hold her until...forever-but he can't. Not if he wanted it to work with Taylor. And it has to work with Taylor; he owes her so much. So much.

At the sound of a soft knock on the door, his heart drops, knowing its Marissa. He takes a deep breath and hesitates momentarily before opening the door. What he's greeted with is like a punch in the face-her hair is in beautiful soft curls, her face glowing in the sunlight. He groans inwardly.

Marissa stands on his doorstep smiling widely as he opens the door. She can tell that something is up, but she keeps her smile. She knows by now that if he wants to tell her, he will, but until then she'll keep the mood light. He steps aside and she walks past him. "You think me being here is a good idea? 'Cause I know for a fact that Taylor isn't my biggest fan so if she sees me, she's definately gonna think something's going on Ry." Her tone is sort of playful in the mischievous kind of way, but also serious.

Ryan closes the door and follows her into the living room. He scratches the back of his neck nervously. "Actually that's why you're here," he says watching her sit down on the couch. "We need to talk."

"Uh-oh," she giggles half-heartedly in order to not give away how nervous she really is. "Those are the four most feared words in the English language."

"About us..." he mumbles, his voice nearly faltering in the end.

"Even worse," she whispers sadly.

Ryan looks away, unable to watch her any longer, fearing that if he did he'd surrender. "We can't do this 'Riss. Not anymore." He flinches internally as the words leave his mouth. What happened to never doing this again, he thinks to himself. Taylor happened. "I mean, I have Taylor and I do love her. I'm getting married in a few months and...It's not fair-to either of you." The words rush out of his mouth so that he doesn't have to think about them, so that he can't take them back.

Marissa feels her heart drop and she drops her gaze to stare at her lap rather than the man who is finally looking at her. She bites her lip to keep her tears at bay. She's prepared herself mentally for when this would happen, but matter how many times she tried, she couldn't be prepared emotionally. "Okay," she whispers uneasily.

He takes a tentative step towards her. "If it was any other time or place-"

"It's okay," she interrupts him quickly. "I understand..."

"I'm sorry," he mumbles softly. God, he has a lot to be sorry for-for her, for him for Taylor.

She pushes herself to her feet, meeting his eye level. "Can I um... One last kiss? And I'll leave, before Taylor comes home?"

He instinctively grabs her around the waist and pulls her body into him, pressing his lips into hers, savouring everything he can. He can feel hot tears running down her cheeks, touching his. He pulls away and instinctively grabs her face in his hands and wipes her tears away.

"I'm sorry," she whispers.

"Oh my God."

Taylor's voice makes them jump apart. Ryan looks down guiltily, shoving his hands into his pockets.

"I'm-I have to go," Marissa mumbles, grabbing her purse and leaving, tears streaking down her cheeks.

"I knew it," Taylor whispers as soon as the front door shuts.

"Taylor-" Ryan starts, stepping towards her.

"I knew you were sleeping with her!" she screams, pushing Ryan away from her with closed fists.

"It's over Taylor," he tells her stepping towards her again. "I'm done, that's why she was here-"

"To kiss you good-bye?!" her voice cracks at the end and she walks around him. "I'll never be good enough, I'll be in 2nd place-God, even when she was dead I was in 2nd place!" she falls onto the couch, burying her face in her hands.

"Taylor listen to me," he says softly. He kneels down in front of her and grabs her hands in his. "I love you Taylor-"

"And Marissa?"

He reaches up, still clutching her hand in his, and wipes her cheeks dry. "Is in the past. I left her Taylor...I wanna make this work. Please, I can't lose you." His voice is desperate. He needs to make it work. He can't lose Taylor too.

"Why'd you do it?"

"I...for the longest time I just wanted her to be alive SO bad and then there she was. I wanted to hold onto it." He pauses, not telling her that he's still in love with Marissa-too in love with Marissa. She rests her forehead on his. "I wanna make us work. Okay?"

Taylor nods. She isn't sure is she's just desperate or what, but this is the first sign of honestly he's shown her in a really, really long time.

The next day Ryan wakes up to a naked Taylor Townsend. He's been so busy noticing how perfect his and Marissa's bodies fit together that he forgot how good Taylor felt too. Not as perfect, but almost.

He runs down the beach to clear his head after a nice early breakfast with Taylor. He isn't sure how he feels-whether it's guilty or relieved. He slows down the closer he gets to the lifeguard tower to find Marissa sitting on the wooden floor. "Hey," he says softly walking up the ramp.

Marissa looks at him and wipes her eyes and cheeks dry with the sleeve of his old Harbour sweater. "Hey."

"Mind if I sit down?"

"No, go ahead. This is your place too."

He sits down next to her. He wants to put his arm around her, or between her legs to comfort her. To protect her from what HE did to her. But he can't. "Nice sweater," he says, smiling at her, trying to lighten the mood.

"Thanks," she laughs. "Stole it from my ex."

"I'm sure he won't mind," he laughs back.

Marissa nods, but refuses to look at him. "So is everything okay? With Taylor?"

"Yeah. Sort of. We're working on it," he stutters.

"So then it's over," she mumbles, more to herself than to him. "It's really, really over."

"Yeah." Ryan looks at her, watching as she battles against the tears threatening to fall. "We had our time though right? And it was amazing."

"For the most part," she adds. She takes a deep breath. "Do you think we would've made it though? If everything had gone the way it was supposed to, do you think we would've made it?"

"Yeah I do," he admits immediately. "I think we would've killed it."

Marissa laughs and rests her head on his shoulder. "We can still be friends right?"

"Definately."

Thanks for reading. I'll try and post soon!