No Greater Love:
Our shuttle was nearing a bubble docking bay when my thoughts turned from Katura to the goings on in the bubble beneath us. I was relieved to have something to distract me as thinking of Katura and the Horopian flu just made me very sad. I wondered how Katook was doing with it, seeing how either of us could have been the one who'd inadvertently given it to her.
We'd spent several weeks talking about this following the incident it's-self, when we finally come to some resolution in knowing it wasn't really our fault. Even though neither of us knew we carried this flu strain; we still felt badly. I guess in the end, at least some good came out of this tragedy; as our medical personal learned much more about the Horopian flu than was known previously and it saved many lives. Katura's parents too told us the same thing and thanked both of us for caring for her so well that evening. They said we'd given her the gift of genuine love.
I thought about this for a long time as we all began to process through the docking and into the city. I looked down at all the people in the streets below us. I'd always struggled with that question of what did I really know of love? What did that look like from a vibrant soul and a healthy heart? Had I found what it was San Wan had always said God offered in the greatest love ever given? A love that gives of it's-self for the sake of another's well being. Like befriending a lonely intern in a library.
I let out a sigh as I could hear Katook and Sentury chattering in profuse excitement of all the goings on in the city below. Japah had long since fallen asleep and it seemed Katook and Sentury had taken to buddying up for this trip, as they'd spent most of it talking about all the things they wanted to see. Well that would be fun. I thought to myself as I smiled at their galvanized laughter.
It was always good to see Katook happy; although I knew and even dreaded the fact that his down swing would leave him just as frantic on the other end of the mood spectrum as his up side. Katook did that often, back and forth between debilitating depression and frenzied euphoria. There were times he'd be up for three days strait and than sleep for the next two. I knew something wasn't right, although he'd always managed to work this idiosyncracy of his to his advantage. He'd pull duty shifts for three days so as no-one seemed to mind much if he slept the next couple.
This came to our company commander's attention one day though just before a mission. We were getting ready to engage hostilities between the Frontorie and Zaheed because the truce had broken down and one had invaded the other's nation state. We don't usually get involved in planetary conflicts like this, but the Zaheed guarded mineral mines of the Planetary Allegiance that were now being threatened.
Well, during the briefing Katook couldn't sit still and keep quiet. He'd gotten all worked up about this mission and became irrational in his thought processes as to what he was capable of doing. The memory stuck in my head a minute. Yeah, I guess the Lieutenant was right; episodes of mania are real bad news on a battlefield. So just before we deployed, our unit commander told me to take Katook to medical.
Well I'd never seen Katook really get angry before, but that day he blew a gasket. When he started swinging at me, the rest of our squad tackled him and called for emergency medical transport. Katook spent about 4 days in the brig while authorities investigated his violent incident and interviewed everyone in our squad. After that, he was transferred to a medical lock down facility where he spent the next three weeks being treated for something they called duel mood dysfunction disorder. It was something I'd never heard of before; but the doctors said was very common on earth several hundred years ago. How ever it was that Katook ended up with this syndrome is beyond me. The doctors reassured me though that they'd seen this in other clones and it was quite treatable.
Katook came back far more stable than he was before, but something about him was forever changed. He didn't seem like the Katook I knew. He was far less animated and cheerful. More serious and sullen than the buddy I remember growing up with. He also became much more needy of my attendance, as he often just wanted to sit next to me and rest his head on my shoulder. I didn't mind though, as it seemed something in me too was really needing to be close to him. I missed him a lot when he was in the lock down and I suppose maybe we were just happy to see each other.
We were both monitored very closely for several weeks following his return. I suppose just to make sure we remained emotionally stable and weren't starting to get demoralizing ideas. I guess they say that sometimes happens. It wasn't an issue with us though. We finally adjusted to life back together in the battalion and things got more 'back to normal'. Katook still had mood swings, but they weren't hardly as severe as they'd been that fateful day before the mission.
Biting tinges of concern began to seep back as I watched Katook become quite excited over something he was seeing on the ground. He had unbuckled himself and squeezed between Sentury and the window frantically pointing to the city below.
"Katook sit down and put your seat belt back on!" I heard San Wan order from the front of the shuttle as Katook quickly scurried back to his chair and strapped himself in.
He was still all in a stir, as he leaned over Sentury and kept pointing out the window. Sentury looked over at me and smiled knowingly, as he looped Katook's curly hair around his fingers and patted his back. Katook seemed oblivious, even though it was clear to us that he was probably headed for another intervention.
I let out a sigh as I watched Sentury play with Katook's hair a few more minutes while he quietly encouraged Katook to be still and wait till we landed. This was always difficult for Katook; as he recognized the methods often used to placate his exuberance consisted of soothing words and calming hands that reigned in his attention by steadily wiping his face, as if they could wipe the madness away. Too bad the affect was never permanent.
Katook immediately hushed, as he settled back into his seat and quickly turned around to look at me. He seemed a bit disorientated and unsure of what had just happened, when he realized it was Sentury and not I; for I am the one who usually does this to him. He turned and looked at Sentury, who just gently put his finger to his lips. "Shhh." He said.
Katook sat totally subdued for the next twenty minutes till we landed.
"Come on." Sentury nudged him as the shuttle doors opened and we all began to disembark. Japah too was still a bit non-coherent as he sat up, stretched and looked around.
"Oh, we're here!" He announced in a voice that was less than under-enthusiastic.
"Well, good morning sunshine!" I started to laugh.
"Nakahm." Japah looked at me, after it took a minute or two for my comment to sink in.
"What?" I smiled.
"Shut up!" He said.
San Wan led the way as we all grabbed our gear and followed, almost single file behind him. Japah sleepily stumbled along after Katook, as I fell back a bit to where Sentury was. We walked along several more paces before I glanced back at Sentury.
"What's wrong Nakahm?" He asked as I struggled to come up with the words. I kept thinking of what Katura had said about jealous and possessive clones and I didn't have the courage at the moment to tell Sentury that what he'd done to Katook made me uncomfortable. No, that seemed too petty and unreasonable, since although Katook was my batch partner; I certainly didn't consider him my property!
"I don't know." I finally sighed. "I think I'm just a little concerned about Katook."
"Yeah, well I know what you mean." Sentury started to giggle.
"I hope he didn't take me too seriously when we were training the other day and I.." Sentury paused a moment. "I took his comment about getting laid in a new direction!"
We both started to laugh.
"Yeah, not by you." I reiterated Katook's response.
"Yeah, believe me - not by me! Ick." Sentury shuttered.
"Well that's good to know." I mumbled, half not thinking as to what I'd just said.
"Nakahm!" Sentury punched me in the back. "What are you sick?"
"Ouch! No, sorry man; I didn't mean it like that!" I apologized to Sentury as I lay on the ground rubbing my shoulder. Sentury stopped a minute to help me up.
"You're worried about them taking him away from you again; aren't you?" Sentury stated as he pulled me to my feet. "You don't want any body to take him away from you. That's why you said what you did." He looked at me as he picked up my back pack and handed it over.
"I'm not one of those jealous, possessive clones!" I countered.
"No, no." Sentury corrected me. "Jealousy is selfish. It takes; it doesn't give. You'd die for Katook. That's not jealousy - that's love!"
I stood there a minute as Sentury started to walk away.
"Come on Nakahm!" He called out behind him as he motioned for me to hurry and catch up. I only stood there a minute or two while the truth of what Sentury said sunk in. No greater love has a man, than he lay down his life for a friend. I remember a passage San Wan recently pointed out to Katook while we were all sitting at the table one evening. Maybe clone love is real love? What ever that means? I thought to myself as I hastened after Sentury.
Little did I realize at that time - war was about to test my theory!
All the battles bled together crimson in my memory. Detached from me like watching one very long movie through the lense of a camera; but I guess that's the way traumatic memory formulates it's presence in our brains. At least that's what I'd heard in the sessions at the trauma survivors hospital on Aardat. There were times I had to stop and ask myself - Did that really happen? Yeah, I guess it did; I'd always come to conclude when I'd look at the scars on my body and the scars on the expressions of my fellow inpatients' faces. If it weren't for that evidence living out before my daily life - I'd still wonder.
Strange how it all works like that; memories and all - that is. The happy ones, funny and sad ones; all punctuated by flashes of grizzly mutilated bodies, smoke, bombs and the smell of sulfur and rotting flesh. They don't make me sad or want to scream any longer. No, it's strange. Those images are accompanied by no more than a wall of mental numbness.
I remember getting through "combat sequences" that way. Just pretending I was in a movie and one day this would all be over. I'd either survive it and go on to live what ever semblance of "real life" there was left, or I'd get killed. Simple, uncomplicated by the feelings of fear and dread I'd just pretend weren't there. I'll deal with it later in some psych hospital. The morbid thought would run through my mind. Right now though, I just feel compelled to stay alive. So I get up and run, shoot at the guy who's shooting at me and dive into a trench, a hole or behind the wall of some burned out building. The same monotony played out in scene after scene of my life as a combat soldier. Yes, the surroundings would change and the sequence of the action I'd perform; but it was all the same in the end. New war, different movie, same role.
The noise and the smell eventually did get to me. The war...war(s) seeped into the events of every day life. Someone would slam a door, a vehicle engine would backfire or a simple fire works display would rattle my nerves raw. One way or the other, the war had a desperate need to makes it's-self known. So it did. Sometimes it was embarrassing. Idiots who didn't know any better would laugh; but old men and creatures of certain planets though would just stand and watch. I'd glance over at them and they'd simply nod. Been there, done that myself; all their faces said. It's all their faces needed to say. There's nothing new under the sun!
"Do you remember being crucified?" I posed a stupid question to my timeless comrade.
"Of course I do." He smiled understandingly.
"Does it still feel like it never happened?" I asked.
"Well, there's absolutely no way of erasing the weight of judgement." He replied.
"Yeah, that's true." I mumbled in acknowledgment of my complete cluelessness. "War really isn't hell is it?"
"No it's not." He only shook his head. "It's not even a preview either."
I just glanced up at him and cracked a smile. Thank You. I wanted to say, but it seemed my flesh was in too much of a stupor to respond. After all, what words do you utter when words just aren't enough. Well, I guess that's simple. I thought to myself. You utter nothing.
Yes, no greater love has a man than he lay down his life for a friend.
Whether that's just physically or rather the choice to endure wrath for another.
No greater love has any man!