TEN: My December
'Kay, chapter title is a song by Incubus. I love it. It fits this chapter so well, it's eerie. Okay, I'm done. Just wanted to give credit to the band. Read on, you all, read on. Hehe… ---Sarah
"There's another present back here!" James exclaimed excitedly. He wriggled on his belly to reach the last package under the Christmas tree. "What's it say?" he demanded, running to Nathan and shoving the package in the man's face. "Is it for me?"
"Nope, this one's Mommy's," Nathan grinned.
James looked disappointed, but only for a moment. He turned and waded through the sea of crumpled wrapping paper that littered the living room floor, clutching a new teddy bear (a gift from "Santa"), in the crook of his little arm. Snatching his stocking up, he dug a small tin of Santa-shaped chocolates out and made a move to pull the lid off.
"Hey, no," Nathan frowned. "You haven't even eaten breakfast yet, James."
James flashed an angry pout over his shoulder. The effect was pretty darn adorable, because James's hair was still in a state of sleep-tousled disarray and he was wearing his Superman pajamas with matching slippers. His utter cuteness swayed Haley.
"Aw, come on, Nathan," she murmured against his ear, putting a gentle hand on his arm. "One won't hurt. It's Christmas."
"All right, fine. One," Nathan said firmly, holding up one finger for his young son to see.
James yipped in absolute elation and ripped the lid off the tin. He grabbed a chocolate, tore the foil wrapper off, and shoved the candy in his mouth.
"Geez, James. Don't inhale it," Nathan was worried that the kid would choke. "Chew it. Chew."
James made exaggerated chomping motions to show his father that he was chewing it. When he had swallowed his treat he asked, "Dad, can you please open my racetrack now? I wanna play with it." Santa had also brought the little boy an impressive racetrack for his toy cars that had sharp turns and big loops. James had literally screamed when he ripped the wrapping off it earlier.
"Just a minute, James," Nathan said, holding up a hand in a way that said, Not right now. "I will in a minute," he promised when he noticed that the boy's pout had returned. "Let Mommy open her present first."
James plopped down in the middle of a pile of wrapping paper, hugged his teddy bear tightly to his chest, and tried his best to wait patiently.
Haley sent her husband a look that seemed to ask, What did you do?
Nathan grinned and shrugged.
Haley took her time opening the package, carefully removing the bow (she had a habit of saving bows) and painstakingly pulling the wrapping apart. When she got to the box inside the wrapping, she slowly lifted the lid. Her eyebrows furrowed and she glanced at Nathan again, this time in confusion, when she found information about a new apartment complex on top of a catalogue of courses being offered at the community college inside.
"See, I heard about these apartments from a guy at work," Nathan began to speak quickly so he could explain himself before she flipped out. "They've just been constructed, so they're brand new," he put emphasis on the last two words. "They're so nice, Hales, and they're safe; everything's up to code and there are smoke alarms in all the bedrooms. And they're huge; they could almost be townhouses. I can take you to see them next week if you want, and if you like them, we could be moved in just after the first of the year."
Haley held up the community college catalogue, her expression quizzical.
"We have enough saved up," Nathan said carefully. He wasn't really sure how she was going to react. "You could just start out at the community college and move on to university after you've earned your Associate's. You could even keep working part-time if you want. Whatever you're comfortable with. I just… I really think going back to school would be good for you, Hales. You've always wanted to further your education, and now you'll finally be able to."
Haley stared down at the townhouse brochure and the community college course guide, seeming to be at a loss.
"I've got something else for you that might help you make a decision," Nathan murmured. He kissed her cheek before he stood and disappeared up the stairs.
Dan (who was seated in his armchair) and Deb (who was perched on the armchair's matching ottoman) exchanged eager glances. They were in on the surprise.
There was a loud slam upstairs as Nathan exited his parents' bedroom, where he'd hidden Haley's surprise in the back of the expansive walk-in closet. "Close your eyes, babe!" he called from the top of the staircase.
Haley let her lids fall shut. When Nathan had been assured by his parents and his son that her eyes were really, truly closed, he came back into the living room. He placed something that was big and sort of heavy on her lap and sat down beside her again.
"You can look now," Nathan said. Haley could hear the smile he wore in his voice.
Haley's eyes fluttered open again and she completely lost her breath when she found a brand new acoustic guitar lying across her knees. It was so beautiful, obviously top of the line. The instrument's case was sitting open on the floor at their feet.
"Whoa!" James yelped. He scrambled to his feet and came up to the edge of the couch to get a better look at Haley's present. "Look at that! Mommy, is that all yours?"
"You always talked about how you wanted to major in music," Nathan grinned, watching her expression closely. "This should help with that."
Haley just sat there, staring blankly at the lovely instrument.
Nathan's grin quickly became a frown of confusion. "Wow. Um, I kind of thought you'd be more excited than this," he mumbled.
"I'm excited," she replied, flashing a half-hearted smile. "It's a beautiful guitar, Nate."
"Mommy, can I play with it?" James reached out to pluck one of the strings with his little index finger.
"No, this isn't a toy, James," Nathan scolded. "This is just for Mommy."
Haley smiled at James's unhappy expression and gently took his chin in her hand. "Should we sing, James? Do you want to sing a song with me?"
James nodded enthusiastically and watched, fascinated, as his mother retrieved a pick from inside the case and strummed out a chord. "Mommy, that makes a pretty sound!" he exclaimed breathlessly.
Soon, mother and son were singing a sweet duet of "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer."
Deb, Dan, and Nathan offered a round of applause at the end of the little performance, greatly entertained and very impressed by the angelic tone of young James's voice.
…
That night, friends and family gathered together at Dan and Deb's home for dinner. The house was bursting at the seams and the air was filled with conversation and laughter.
James was on the floor in the living room after dinner was over, absorbed in playing with his new racetrack--- which Nathan had put together for him after breakfast that morning. A tap on his shoulder made him look up. The cheerful expression he wore was brightened by a wide smile when he saw who had come up behind him.
"Hi, Jenny," he greeted his friend.
"Hi," she smiled back at him. As she spoke, she brought a piece of paper out from behind her back and offered it to him. "Um, I… made this for you. Santa brought me painting stuff and so I painted a picture for you. It's my present to you. Merry Christmas, James."
James took the paper and studied it for a long moment, taking in every detail of six-year-old Jenny's lopsided Christmas tree. He raised his bright brown eyes to her face and flashed another cute smile. "Thanks, Jenny. You paint good pictures." Then the young boy began to look troubled. He got to his feet and disappeared into the dining room, where most of the adults--- including his mother--- were still sitting around the table and talking.
"What is it, sweetheart?" Haley leaned over in her chair so that her face and her son's face were at the same level. James whispered something against her ear that made her smile. She excused herself from the table and led James upstairs to the bedroom that she and Nathan shared.
Deb was just entering the living room from the dining room when Haley and James came back downstairs. Her expression lit up with proud excitement when she saw that Haley was toting her new guitar. "Are you two going to sing again?" she asked, her eyes gleaming. Before Haley could respond, Deb turned back toward the dining room and called for everybody to gather in the living room.
Mere minutes later, all of the guests were situated in the living room, focusing smiling eyes on young James. The little boy twisted the toe of his sneaker into the carpet and his forehead crinkled in a nervous expression. He glanced over his shoulder at his mother--- who was standing behind him, guitar in hand---- for reassurance.
Haley nodded and smiled encouragingly. "It's okay, baby," she said. "Don't be afraid."
James, unable to quell his fears, turned all the way around and approached Haley for a pep talk. Haley crouched down and tenderly caressed his face. She whispered to him for a minute and he nodded, finally seeming confident.
"We're so glad that all of you are here with us tonight. This time of the year really makes you appreciate the love and support of friends and family and I just want to thank each of you for all that you've done for me and my family these past few months. I'm so grateful to have you in my life and I want to let you know that I love each and every one of you very, very much. Merry Christmas." Haley snickered when she realized that she'd begun to cry and wiped her palm over her cheeks.
"Merry Christmas," everyone smiled, speaking in unison.
"Okay, so, as I'm sure you're aware, we're going to be making some music tonight," Haley grinned, patting her guitar with the palm of her hand. "The first performance will be given by my son," she announced, smiling proudly at her little man. "He'd like to sing a song especially for Miss Jenny. Jenny, would you come stand in front of James?"
Partly embarrassed and partly delighted, a smirking Jenny tentatively came to take her place in front of James.
"I really like the picture you made, Jenny," James told her earnestly, his brown eyes wide and serious. "I felt bad that I didn't have something for you, but then I thought I could sing you a song for a present," he mumbled, flashing a shy smile. "My teacher taught this song to my class at school, but my mom helped me practice it for you."
Soft music, compliments of Haley and her guitar, filled the room. All of the guests broke into nostalgic smiles as they recognized the lovely melody.
Then James started to sing, keeping his focus solely on Jenny. Everybody else made him nervous. When the young boy's angelic voice chimed out the lyrics of "Christmas Time Is Here" from A Charlie Brown Christmas, people began reaching for tissues.
Christmas time is here
Happiness and cheer
Fun for all, that children call
Their favorite time of year…
Jenny was motionless, awed by James's heavenly singing.
Snowflakes in the air
Carols everywhere
Olden times and ancient rhymes
Of love and dreams to share…
Jake, who had one arm curled around Peyton, felt her snuggle closer and lay her head on his chest. When he looked down to smile at her, he saw a strange, frightening expression on her face that she erased as soon as she realized he was watching her. She smiled, but it was forced; like she was trying to be brave; like she was trying to keep something from him.
Sleigh bells in the air
Beauty everywhere
Yuletide by the fireside
And joyful memories there
Christmas time is here
We'll be drawing near
Oh, that we could always see
Such spirit through the year
Oh, that we could always see
Such spirit through the year…
As soon as James's song was over, the living room erupted in amazed applause.
A red-nosed, bleary-eyed Brooke quietly excused herself and made a quick retreat out to the front porch.
Lucas moved to follow her, seeming concerned. As he passed his nephew, he rumpled the boy's hair and said, "You were awesome, Big J. That was really good, buddy."
James beamed. "Thanks, Uncle Luke," he replied. He turned his attention back to Jenny, who was smiling brightly at him, when Lucas disappeared out the front door in pursuit of Brooke.
"Did you like my singing?" James asked bashfully, tugging nervously on the bottom of his sweater. "I tried really hard."
Jenny nodded, her smile stretching even wider across her cherubic face. She'd never known that such a pretty noise could come out of such a little kid. She opened her mouth to tell him this, but before she could speak, Nathan came over to them and swooped James up in a crushing hug.
"James, that was amazing, man!" he laughed. "How did you learn how to sing like that? Did Mommy teach you?"
"I practiced with him a little bit upstairs," Haley replied, appearing beside her husband. She reached out to smooth James's hair, and her expression told him very plainly that she was extremely proud of him. "But he really didn't need very much direction. He's a natural."
"Mom, can we sing more? Can everybody sing?" James was eager for more music. When Haley agreed to a holiday sing-a-long, James wriggled to be put down. As soon as Nathan set him free, he took Jenny's hand and led her to an empty space on the floor. They sat cross-legged, side-by-side.
"James, I'm not good at singing," Jenny whispered uneasily against his ear.
"It's okay," James smiled at her encouragingly and slipped his little hand into hers again. "I'll sing really loud. That way, nobody will even hear you."
…
"I don't understand what you're saying," Lucas barely managed to choke out the words. His face was completely ashen as he stared at Brooke; his eyes were wide, filled with shocked agony. He and Brooke were standing across from each other on Dan and Deb's front porch.
Brooke sniffled and carefully kept her eyes on her feet. She wrapped her arms around herself, knowing she should feel the cold of the December night, but she felt nothing. She was numb.
This is my December
This is my time of the year
This is my December
This is all so clear
This is my December
This is my snow covered home
This is my December
This is me alone…
"I've thought a lot about what you said the day you came to give me that book," she responded. "You've made it very clear that you want to live your own life."
"Brooke, when I said that I didn't mean---." Brooke held up a hand, silencing Lucas's attempted explanation.
"You have things you want to do. I understand that. I've been wrong to try and force you into something that you're not ready for. I'm sorry," she said, finally raising her eyes to meet his.
His expression twisted, pleading and tortured. He knew the end was near, and it was killing him.
And I
Just wish that
I didn't feel
Like there was
Something I missed
And I
Take back all
The things I said
To make you
Feel like that…
"We both want different things from life and we both have to live our lives in a way that will make us the happiest." She stepped closer and reached out to caress the side of his face. He winced, falling to pieces inside. "I want you to be happy," she murmured brokenly.
"You make me happy," he whispered passionately through clenched teeth, turning fierce blue eyes on her face.
And I
Just wish that
I didn't feel
Like there was
Something I missed
And I
Take back all the
Things I said to you…
"Lucas, listen to me," she said gently. "I have things I want to do, too. You and I, we're at different points in our lives."
"I know, I know, you want to get married," he sputtered. "I'll want that eventually, I think. I just don't want it now. Why won't you wait for me?"
"Is that fair, Lucas?" Brooke was still being gentle, speaking softly. "Why do I have to wait for you to be ready if you don't even know when or if you'll ever be ready at all?"
And I give it all away
Just to have somewhere
To go to
Give it all away
To have someone
To come home to…
"So you're going to end things with me to find someone you know nothing about--- someone you have no history with--- just because you want to get married? What sense does that make?" Lucas yelled. "You and I have a connection! You're a part of me, Brooke!"
"I'm trying to give you what you wanted!" she shouted, goaded into anger. "With me out of the picture, you'll be free to live your life however you see fit!"
"Oh my---! You're unbelievable!" Lucas took a step back and yanked his fingers through his blonde hair. "What is this, some kind of scare tactic? Marry you or you're leaving?"
"No, Lucas!" Brooke was obviously offended. "I would never coerce you into getting married! I'm not that desperate, believe it or not!"
"Not," he spat, glaring at her.
Brooke was suddenly very calm. Her face was sad but determined. "Lucas, I'm not trying to scare you into anything. I've just realized what I want out of life, and what I want isn't what you want. We both deserve to have what we want, and the only way you get what you want is to go after it. I've never been one to sit around and wait for things to come to me. I won't wait for you either, Luke. It's really just that simple."
"If it's so simple, why are you going to California?" Lucas was dejected now. His eyes were lowered and his arms hung limply at his sides. He was utterly defeated.
"I'm only going for a couple of weeks," she sighed. "My parents have been asking me to come for a visit. I was thinking I'd spend New Year's with them. Besides, I think putting some distance between us will be the best thing for both of us."
"Don't talk to me about what you think is best for me," he snapped.
"Lucas, I don't want to leave with you angry at me," she said unsteadily, blinking back threatening tears.
"Do you expect me to be happy?" he demanded incredulously. "Five years together and you're walking away because I'm not ready for marriage! What part of that is not supposed to make me angry?"
"Would you please stop shouting?" Brooke pleaded in a strangled whisper. Her cheeks were drenched with the tears that she had tried so desperately to keep back.
"No! I'm gonna shout, Brooke! I'm gonna shout until you finally come to your senses!" Lucas declared with a resolute scowl. "I'll shout as loud as I want! I don't care if the neighbors hear or not! I don't---!"
"Lucas," Brooke whimpered. She threw herself at him and crushed his lips with hers. The kiss was violent and hard and final. Lucas could taste the goodbye in it.
They were both crying by the time she finally freed his mouth. Lucas held her close and cradled her face in his cold hands; he nuzzled his forehead against hers, praying she'd look at him, but she kept her eyes lowered.
"Stay. Stay with me. Don't go," he begged. She was really going to leave. The reality of it hit him like a runaway train.
The sound of Christmas carols being sung cheerfully off-key could be heard now from inside the house. Nathan's booming voice was the most recognizable (and the most off-pitch).
"I'm always going to care about you," Brooke sniffled, "but we've reached a crossroad, Lucas. It's time to go our separate ways." She gently pulled his hands away from her face, gave them a squeeze, and released them.
Lucas stood motionless and expressionless on the front porch, watching Brooke's car disappear down the street.
…
"Hey, Luke," Haley came out onto the porch a short time later. Her friend was sitting on the front steps, his back to her, and she was confused when he didn't turn and greet her in return. "What're you doing out here? It's freezing." Her teeth chattered and she wrapped her arms around herself. "James wanted me to come find you. You missed the sing along. Where's Brooke?"
"She's gone," he said blankly, without turning to look at her.
Haley heard his voice crack on the word "gone" and her eyebrows knitted together in an expression of concern. She carefully approached him and took a seat at his side on the porch step, examining his face in a way that was innocently and genuinely worried.
His eyes were staring unseeingly into the darkness, his mouth was tight and unsmiling, and his jaw was clenched.
This is my December
These are my snow-covered trees
This is me pretending
This is all I need
And I
Just wish that
I didn't feel
Like there was
Something I missed
And I
Take back all
The things I said
To make you feel like that
And I
Just wish that
I didn't feel
Like there was
Something I missed
And I take back all
The things
I said to you…
"What happened, Luke?" she murmured.
"She left," he said, using indifference to mask the agonizing pain Brooke's absence was causing him.
"Did you have a fight?" Haley gently prodded for more information.
He spat out a dry laugh. "We've been fighting for a long time, Hales. It all just finally got to be too much. It's over."
One of Haley's hands flew to her mouth in a gesture of horrified shock and the other hand came to rest gently on his shoulder. "Why? Lucas, how? You loved each other."
Lucas shrugged and the whole story about the wedding war he'd waged with Brooke came out.
Haley was at a loss for words when Lucas's explanation finally came to an end. "Why didn't you tell me?" she managed to rasp.
"It was our business," he shrugged again; his eyes glinted with sharp anguish. "We didn't really tell anybody, 'ya know? We just kept it quiet and kept our distance from each other. I kept thinking that we'd be able to fix things." He laughed humorlessly again and shook his head.
"Besides," he continued seriously, "you and Nathan have had so much to deal with. I didn't want to burden you with something as trivial as my fighting with Brooke when you were going through such a tragedy."
Beside him, Haley started to cry.
Lucas's face twisted and he instantly put his arms around her. "Haley, Haley, I'm sorry," he murmured against her ear. "I shouldn't have mentioned it, I'm sorry."
"No, no," Haley patted his chest reassuringly and sniffled. "It's not that. Well, it's not all that," she amended.
"What is it, then?" he questioned softly; his voice was full of friendly affection.
"I feel like such a horrible friend after everything you and Brooke did to bring Nathan and I back together!" she wailed. "You should have told me!" she chastised, giving him a swat.
"You're something else, Haley Katherine James-Scott, do you know that?" Lucas chuckled in earnest now and tightened his arm around her. "My girlfriend leaves me and you're the one who's crying about it."
Haley gazed up into his face with wide, sweet, intuitive brown eyes. "I'm crying for you," she told him. "Even though you're doing your best to hide it, I know you're heartbroken, Luke. And that makes me sad."
Lucas's carefully composed expression crumpled and he pulled Haley closer, hugging her tightly. "Tell me how much you love me," he cried.
She rubbed his shuddering back and sniffled, "I love you a million Ding-Dongs, Lucas."
…
Later that night, after all the guests had gone, the Scott house was quiet and sleeping. Except for one window, in which the soft illumination of a bedside lamp glowed.
"Are you still thinking about Lucas?" Nathan wrapped an arm around his wife and snuggled closer to her in bed.
"Yeah," Haley replied, relishing in the feel of his lips as he placed soft kisses against the knuckles and fingertips of her right hand.
"You've done all you can for him, Hales," Nathan pointed out. "Come on, please brighten up. I don't want you to spend what's left of Christmas night all depressed like this."
"You're right," Haley agreed. "Help me focus on something else. Talk to me."
"Okay," Nathan blinked, trying to think of something to say. "How awesome is our son?"
Haley laughed.
Nathan smiled, delighted with his accomplishment. "No, seriously," he went on. "I had no idea he could sing like that."
"And wasn't it sweet that he wanted to sing as a Christmas present for Jenny?" Haley gushed.
"Yep," Nathan nodded proudly. "He knows what the ladies like."
"Nathan," Haley slapped his chest, choking back a laugh.
"I'm kidding, I'm kidding. He's a sweet kid. We're doing a pretty good job so far, huh, Mom?"
"Heck yeah we are!" Haley responded enthusiastically; she was suddenly feeling childishly playful. She put her hand up for a high-five and said, "Up top!"
Nathan spit out a long, breathy laugh. "Okay, um, Haley, I love you, but please don't ever say that again."
Haley was not fazed. "Come on, don't leave me hangin'!"
Nathan clutched his stomach as he shook with silent, hysterical laughter. "Don't leave… You said… Don't leave… Hanging!" he wheezed.
Haley pouted jokingly for a moment before she giggled and kissed her husband.
When Haley finally put an end to what had become a somewhat steamy show of marital affection, Nathan groaned in protest.
"Serves you right for laughing at me," she grinned, settling comfortably against the side of his body.
When he was able to think clearly again, Nathan confidently said, "He'll be just as great at basketball, you just wait."
"I'm sure he will be," Haley agreed, hooking one of her legs over Nathan's under the covers. She heard him gasp and she felt him tense up. A smirk pulled up one side of her mouth. She loved teasing him. "He and Jenny had a blast playing with that Fisher-Price hoop you got for him."
"Haley, that was from Santa," Nathan said, wearing a very serious expression.
"Oh, right, yes," Haley nodded, making her expression serious as well. "My apologies."
They stared at each other silently for a moment, frowning sternly, before the urge to laugh became too strong. They chuckled and giggled quietly together.
"We gave our baby a good Christmas, Nathan," Haley said with a happy smile.
"Yep, we did," Nathan grinned and lightly pecked his wife's puckered lips. Then he said, "I tried to give you a good Christmas, too, Hales."
Haley looked up into her husband's deep blue eyes, startled. "You did," she promised, laying a hand over his heart. "I had a wonderful Christmas, babe."
"You didn't act like it." Nathan picked her hand up and threaded his fingers through hers, amazed--- even after five years of marriage--- at how perfectly they fit together.
"What're you talking about? I had lots of fun today. I was very happy."
"You know what I mean, Haley," he said, turning his eyes back to her face. "I need you to talk to me. Tell me what you want to do."
"I definitely think we should move into the apartment as soon as possible. We've imposed on your parents long enough."
"And school?" he pressed.
She lowered her eyes and an uncertain frown caused her eyebrows to pull together.
"Hey," Nathan said in a gentle, husky tone. He put a finger underneath her chin and gently lifted her face until they were looking into each other's eyes again. His expression became horrified when he saw that she had begun to cry. "What is it, baby?" he cooed, pulling her closer to his side. "Is this all too much too fast? Are you feeling kind of overwhelmed, huh? Yeah?" he continued to coo as she nodded her head and sniffled pitifully. "I'm sorry for piling all of this on you so suddenly. I was just trying to keep my promise to you," he explained.
"What do you mean?" Haley asked, still sniffling softly. She took his hand and began to trace the pattern of the veins in the back of it.
"That big fight we had right after James was born. Don't you remember?" Nathan sounded surprised.
"I do. Lucas intervened and we ended up holed up in your parents' beach house," Haley smirked. "That was a huge turning point for us. A lot of wrongs were made right during that fight. It brought us closer together and really helped us see each other in a completely different light."
"Exactly. I realized how much you'd put on hold for me and James and I promised you that I'd give everything you'd given me back to you. I'm finally in a position where I can start doing that now. You've waited so long and you've been so patient. You deserve this," Nathan said, quiet passion ringing in his voice.
Haley carefully put Nathan's hand down on top of his stomach. Slowly, she raised her eyes to his. The look she gave him was one of soft, tender adoration, but there was some kind of apology underneath all of the affection. "Nathan, I love you," she murmured, "and I appreciate everything you do for me, but I'm not sure going back to school would be such a good idea right now."
Nathan frowned at her, perplexed. "Haley, what're you talking about? This is the perfect opportunity for you to go back."
"I disagree," she said softly but firmly. "I wouldn't be able to stand being away from James. I don't want to put him in daycare while I'm in class and you're off at work. It wouldn't be right."
"What do you mean? James would be so proud of you. Besides, we could work out an arrangement with our parents," Nathan argued. "They love having him around."
"That wouldn't be very fair to them though. I mean, he's our son. We should be the ones to take care of him," Haley insisted.
"All right, what is this about, really?" Nathan demanded, his gaze becoming sharp and searching.
"Did you not hear me? I just told you," Haley said coolly, trying to disguise her true fears by acting nonchalant.
"No, you're giving me excuses."
"Okay, can we end this discussion for now, please?" she snapped. "I'm getting irritated and so are you and I'm really not in the mood for an argument."
"I'm not trying to argue," Nathan persisted. "I'm just trying to have a conversation. You're the one being evasive."
"Evasive?" Haley bristled at the way he chose to describe her behavior.
"Now you're repeating me. That's a sure sign that you're not saying what's really on your mind." Nathan's eyes were burning into hers.
"What's really on my mind?" she sputtered weakly. He had, like, some kind of X-Ray vision superpower or something.
Or it could have been the fact that they had been married for five years and he knew her inside and out.
Haley blew out an irritated breath. There were times when the whole knowing everything about each other thing was really annoying.
"All right, would you please just tell me? I'm being nice now, come on," Nathan bowed his head to kiss her shoulder. "I've got to know, Haley. You've got me concerned. Why aren't you excited about going to school? I thought you couldn't wait to go back."
Haley lowered her eyes again and released an acquiescent sigh. She began to nervously twist the top of the bed sheet in her hands. "Well… I… I…" she stammered.
"You what, babe?" Nathan questioned gently. "Just tell me. Don't be scared."
"I… want to have another baby," she admitted. "Not now," she said quickly, her voice edged in pain. Little Joshua's face appeared in her mind's eye and she found herself smiling, even as her vision blurred behind building tears. The love she had for her little Angel Baby--- which was how she thought of Joshua--- was deep and strong. It didn't hurt so much to think of him now and she continually found herself feeling thankful that she'd been able to see him and hold him, even if it had only been for a little while. "Not now," she repeated softly, "but eventually."
Nathan tightened his arm around his wife and blinked against tears that were threatening to spill over onto his cheeks. Like Haley, it was becoming less painful for him to remember Joshua. When he thought of Josh now, Nathan thought of him with love and gratitude. In his mind, he had two sons. One of them was simply an angel.
"I want another one, too," he murmured huskily against her ear, placing a slow, gentle kiss there.
Haley's tearful smile widened and she sniffled again. "Really?" she whimpered.
"Yes, Haley," he smiled back at her. "You're an amazing mother---."
"And you're a pretty darn good daddy," Haley cut in, giving his mouth a feather-light kiss.
"And James is proof positive that we make beautiful babies," Nathan chuckled, returning Haley's kiss.
Haley giggled against his lips. Well, that was certainly true enough.
"But, Haley, you should take this time you have and use it. Use it to accomplish some of your goals and live life for yourself. I want you to have your own identity and I want you to be able to have a career that you're passionate about…. I just want you to have options. Because, I mean, we don't know what's going to happen later on, 'ya know? If you wait, and another baby comes along, you might never get another chance to earn your degree. I really want that for you, babe. I don't understand why you don't want it for yourself anymore."
Haley snuggled closer to her husband and buried her face in his shirt, clutching the fabric in one of her fists.
"What did I say now?" Nathan was bewildered as he hastily embraced his wife and rubbed her shivering back. "Why are you crying again?"
"I want it," she sobbed, hiccupping against his shirt. "I want my degree so much!"
"Then go get it," Nathan encouraged her. "Go get it, Haley."
"I'm afraid to!" she wailed, confessing the truth behind her reluctance to go back to school at last.
"Why?" Nathan was even more bewildered now.
"It's been four years, Nathan!" she cried. "I haven't been in a classroom in four years! I've forgotten things! I… I don't know if I can do it!"
"You're smarter than you give yourself credit for," Nathan murmured to her. "And… so what if you've forgotten a few things? Everything's still in there," he gently tapped the side of her head with his finger. "It just needs to be dusted off, that's all."
Haley raised bleary brown eyes and gave him a pitiful stare. She was like a little child who needed reassurance. "Do you really think I can do it?" she asked.
"I know you can do it." Nathan's answer was heartfelt. "And you know you can do it, too," he said perceptively. "That's the most important thing."
Haley's tearstained face brightened with a small grin. "I love you," she whispered as he caressed her face, wiping her tears away with his palms.
"I love you, too," he whispered back at her. He laid her head on his chest and brushed his lips over her hair.
They drifted to sleep in each other's arms.
…
Jake rolled over in bed and reached an arm out, searching for his wife. He shot to a sitting position, blinking sleepily into the darkness when he realized that Peyton was not in the bedroom. He rolled out of bed and padded down the hallway. He paused at Jenny's room and poked his head through the doorway to check on her. Then he continued on to the living room. He saw that Peyton was curled up on the couch.
"Hey," he yawned out a tired greeting. When he got closer, he saw that she was weeping. He blew out a long sigh and sat down beside her. He wrapped a comforting arm around her shaking shoulders and asked, "Are you upset about Brooke and Lucas?" Peyton raised red-rimmed eyes to meet his loving gaze. His expression changed to one of absolute terror when he saw how frightened she was. "Peyton, what? What happened? What is it? What happened?" he babbled frantically as she fell to pieces in his arms.
"I didn't want to tell you today. I wanted you to have nice Christmas," she sobbed. "Why couldn't you have stayed asleep?"
"What do you have to tell me?" Jake practically barked the question at her. It wasn't like Peyton to behave this way. Whatever was going on was serious. "Tell me!" he commanded, becoming more and more panicked the longer she took to answer. "What's wrong?"
"I found a lump in my breast yesterday!" The words came out in another big sob.
Jake froze. He forgot how to breathe. All he could think was, No. No, not her!
They clung to each other and cried until the sky turned rosy with the coming dawn.
This is my December
This is my time of the year
This is my December
This is all so clear
And I give it all away
Just to have somewhere
To go to
Give it all away
To have someone
To come home to
Now begin the profuse apologies. I feel so terrible and I'm so sorry for taking so long with this. My Internet has been misbehaving since I last updated and just recently I came down with a nasty case of the flu. Excuses aside, I just really feel bad. Thank you to my wonderful readers for their continued support and patience. I appreciate it so, so much. I hope this chapter makes up for the ridiculously long wait. (Oh, and happy very belated birthday to courtneylovejason--- I felt super bad when I finally found your PM. Sorrrrryyyyyy!)
Soooo. What did you think: ) Let me know. Give me suggestions. All of that usual jazz. Please? Reviews and suggestions from you guys keep me going. Without you, this story would never be updated ever (I know, it seems that way anyway, right? Gah! I feel so bad!) Anyway, I hope you all understand how awesome you are and how much I appreciate every single one of you for taking time out of your day to read this little Naley fic of mine. The hit count for this story is unbelievable! September is still the most popular, but this one's catching up. I'm so excited that so many of you seem to be so interested in my little stories! That's so fun: ) Keep it up, you guys! Please keep reading! I promise, promise that the next update won't take… what was it… two months? Sheesh. I don't even know, but I will never take that long again. I'm going to try and get a new chapter up every week now. Here's hoping. It really depends on you guys. Do I still have readers out there, or did you forget me? I hope you didn't: )
Much Love--- Sarah PS--- Brucas fans, fear not. Have faith. What's meant to be will be. Hehe…