Chapter 10

"I want to know everything." Mary whispered over the crackling fire, her fingers gliding over the sensitive skin, kneading moisture back into the pad of Rhoda's foot.

Rhoda's eye cracked open, squinting as her head remained reclined atop the arm of the couch. "Whatd'ya mean? Everything?"

Mary shrugged, rubbing a little bit more intensely. They had stayed in the hot tub until the heat had consumed them, made it unbearable, and then had raced inside to a pleasant shower together. Mary had kissed Rhoda there under the steady stream of water. "You know, like everything about you." It wasn't too much to ask, was it? The want to know everything, to understand Rhoda as well, if not better than she knew herself. That wasn't so much...

Rhoda sleepily laughed. "What? You want me to start from infancy or something?"

"Yes." Mary nodded, seriously. She needed to know how young Rhoda had operated, know what she liked, disliked, her true opinions of things, people, places, what it had been like to be raised Jewish, Jewish in the Bronx. What else was there to know? She didn't know enough.

Rhoda laughed again, her eyes coming fully open then to peer at Mary. "You're really serious, kid..."

Mary nodded.

"Uh, okay, but...I couldn't possibly tell you everything...there's too much...so much I've forgotten." Rhoda rubbed at her forehead. "Where do you want me to...what..."

"I know about the people, your mother, your father, your sister...I know where and when but I want to know how you felt about things. What you thought about, what you believed, what you did when you were alone."

"That's a tall order, Mare." Rhoda stretched a little, seeming to come to from the content silence that had surrounded them as Mary had massaged lotion all over her, into every intimate nook and cranny. "I probably can't tell you everything I felt, least of all as a kid." Rhoda thought for a moment, searching for a memory, a place to begin. "Well we lived in a pretty small apartment when I was first born. I remember that. So small I didn't even have a room. I slept on the couch in the living room and I remember..." Rhoda smiled as the memory caught up to her, "well, we had this piano see, an upright sort of piano in the corner of the room. It was awfully out of tune, but oh, Mare, when Pop played, it was magic. He turned that piano into an orchestra. Gosh, Mary. I haven't thought about that in ages."

She looked then to Mary. Mary smiled, urging her to go on, knowing this was only the beginning.

"Let's see, well Brenda, you know my sister, she was much, much younger than me so I grew up as an only child, basically. I had all of these little friends from synagogue. New York was pretty rough, see, we had a sort of war going between the Catholics and the Jews. We would always end up beating one another up at the park down the street. Oh, Mare. It was useless, fruitless really. I remember thinking it was so stupid, so pointless because we were all God's children, we were all the same really." Rhoda scratched her nose, a memory surfacing then for Mary saw the smile cross her lips. "There was this one, this little girl who lived right across the street from me. Her name was Sally. She was the cutest little thing, but Catholic. I remember staring out across the street and seeing her sitting there at her kitchen table surrounded by her five or six brothers and sisters and somehow, I swear it, she'd know I was looking. Sometimes we'd sneak out behind these bushes in the park and she'd show me her dolls. That was really something back then, Mare. Playing with a Catholic. I guess I've always been a rebel." Rhoda laughed.

"Was she your first love?" Mary's hands wondered up from Rhoda's foot, coming to rest about her ankle, tucked there beneath Rhoda's nightgown. She clasped on tight to Rhoda.

Rhoda laughed, "well I guess I'd never thought about it. Perhaps. I liked her an awful lot. We'd play house sometimes, I was always the husband. Hey, I forgot all about that. Yeah, we'd use this little alcove in the park as a house and she'd make me pretend to come home and say hi to our nine children and then I'd kiss her the way our parents kissed each other."

"She was your first kiss then."

Rhoda considered it, "I guess I just thought it was what children did, but yeah. I suppose if you want to count that."

Mary felt a little tug of jealousy in her chest, but then reminded herself that Rhoda had not grown up near her, had not been given the chance to play with her as child. Mary knew, had to accept that there had been many before her. And that was okay, had to be okay, because Rhoda was here now telling her everything.

"There was a little boy I liked an awful lot, too. Little Gregory. Gosh, I really loved him a whole lot. We were in third grade. I'd let him hold my hand at recess sometimes." Rhoda shrugged. "I suppose I was non-discriminatory in religion and gender. Who knew I was so forward thinking." Rhoda chuckled, surprised with herself. Mary grinned. "I do remember hating the little dresses Ma always put me in for school. I can remember that. Yeah, I really despised wearing those skirts to school and one day I went in my weekend pants and got in a whole lot of trouble with the teachers and with Ma. She was mortified." Rhoda laughed again.

"Did you like growing up in New York?" Mary asked, not quite sure she could fathom living in such a large place as a child. How big and crowded it must've felt, how strange to not have a yard to run in, to play in as Mary had done so freely and openly.

"Oh yeah, Mare. I loved it. I loved when my dad would take me downtown with him on the subway and we'd go into the city. He always took me to shows, when we had enough money. I got to see so many wonderful things, plays, musicals, the Rockettes! It was magical. And oh, during Christmas it's all lit up. That's when I was most jealous of my Catholic friends, that they got to celebrate Christmas with all these presents and trees and we just lit candles and I got a few little trinkets. It never seemed fair. We'd go back to school and all these Christian kids would have new clothes and I'd have some silly chocolate coins." Rhoda rolled her eyes.

Mary grinned. "Did you keep up with any of the Jewish traditions? I don't remember you doing much, except when we'd light the Menorah and I'd get you a little gift on the eighth day."

Rhoda shook her head, "no, I rather renounced the whole thing. And of course, Ma and Pop kind of let up about it all once Brenda and I had gotten older. We were never very good at keeping kosher and sometimes we'd skip over Shabbat. You know, I always really enjoyed Shabbat. I liked when the whole family would come together, my cousins and aunts and uncles and we'd all crowd into someone's apartment and eat dinner together. It was nice to always have plans on Friday evenings, to always be surrounded by people. I did miss that in Minneapolis sometimes." Rhoda admitted.

"You should have involved me in it. Probably would have saved us a lot of Friday night headaches." Mary grinned.

"Yeah, maybe so." Rhoda shook her head, "nah, kid. You wouldn't have wanted to stay in with me."

"Sure I would have." Mary leaned forward, wanting to be closer to Rhoda, to feel her there with her. She sat up, maneuvering there on the large couch into Rhoda's arms, kissing her briefly before resting her head there against her chest so that she could hear her heart beating. She loved listening to Rhoda's heart beating, keeping a steady tempo against her ear. "Perhaps if we'd known back then…perhaps…well, we certainly would have been entertained."

Rhoda chuckled and Mary heard it reverberate in her chest. "Oh, Mare. Perhaps. Well, where were we…..you sure you're not bored."

"No, I want to hear everything." Mary assured her.

"Well, Brenda was born about when I was twelve, or eleven, or maybe thirteen. God Mary, I've forgotten. But we had quite an age difference. I pleaded with Ma to have a sibling for me, you know how I saw Sally with her family all the time, I wanted that. I thought we'd feel more…cohesive, more real, perhaps. And finally Ma got pregnant again. Maybe they waited until they had more money." Rhoda shrugged, wrapping her arms tighter about Mary. "Anyway, we moved to a bigger place, uptown further in the Bronx. I didn't like the place at first. I had my own room for a few months, that was until Brenda was born. Boy did I hate sharing a room with her. She was always screaming and crying. I hardly got any sleep, no sleep at all. I'd end up on the couch most nights. Once she got past those infant years I started enjoying her more and more, though. She was a pretty cute kid. Being so much older, naturally, I always had to babysit when Ma and Pop went out. I hated that. One time I had a boy over! Oh, Mare, that was really something. Yeah, I was about sixteen. He came over and we made out on the couch and he put his hand up my blouse. That was…oh, Mare you wanna hear all these parts?"

Mary nodded in affirmation there at her chest. "Everything."

Rhoda sighed. "His name was Alfie and he was adorable. Jet black hair, Italian, real handsome. He was older, too. He was eighteen. He was the first guy that had ever asked me out. I was a pretty awkward girl, imagine it or not." Rhoda chuckled at herself. "Well, I suppose you can imagine it. I wasn't very popular at school, nothing like that. But this Alfie kid, he seemed real interested in me and I fell. So I had him over that night and I was really nervous, I wasn't sure what to expect. We shared a Coke and then he just kind of grabbed me and started kissing me. I wasn't sure I liked it very much, he was pretty sloppy and he kept groping and finally his hand had pulled my shirt free and then it was there on my skin and it made me feel kind of icky, you know? I didn't know what two people did together."

"How'd you get him to stop?" Mary glanced up, meeting Rhoda's eyes.

"Oh, I told him my parents were coming back soon and he got out pretty quickly." Rhoda's hand slid into Mary's hair.

"I don't like that he did that." Mary commented.

"Yeah? Well, everyone has their first grope. At least it didn't go any further than that." Rhoda's fingers delighted over Mary's skull.

"Did you…did you like it the first time you did it?" Mary inquired, her curious nature wanting to know more, her rational self telling her not to ask too much for she knew she would loathe every person who ever had touched Rhoda. Though, didn't she want to know? Her curiosity burned, deep, wanting to know more, needing to know.

"Oh, well…I suppose I didn't dislike it. It all happened rather precariously. It was with that guy I told you about. The one I quit smoking for."

"It wasn't until after college then?"

Rhoda nodded, "I wasn't some loose woman, Mary Richards. What do you think of me?"

"I don't think…I just…well…how did it happen?" Mary felt embarrassed for having assumed that there had been more encounters.

"Well, he was older, see, and had his own place in Manhattan, around 75rd street on the Upper East Side. He'd taken me to dinner and then I came back to his place, kind of knowing it might happen. He was a real gentleman, he made me feel very comfortable about it all."

Mary nodded, not sure she wanted to hear any more. She could see it all in her mind anyway. The way some man would undress Rhoda and carefully, gently take her innocence from her. At least it had been mutual, respectful. For that she could be grateful.

"You don't want to know more than that." Rhoda stated matter-of-factly.

"No" Mary shook her head. "Why did you come to Minneapolis? Did you know anyone there?"

"Oh," Rhoda seemed to consider this question for a bit. "It was silly really. You'll probably laugh at me." Rhoda was laughing at herself already. "I followed a guy out to Minneapolis. Yeah, kid. I was pretty pathetic. Mason Kensington. He was from Minneapolis. He painted this idyllic picture of the town and I got sucked in, I thought maybe I could find a respectable art job out here, you know. Maybe get some experience and marry him. Yeah, Rhoda Kensington. Sounds pretty awful, doesn't it? I can't believe I did it, Mare. Just on a whim. I lied to everyone that I'd gotten a job. I felt bad leaving Brenda all by herself with Ma and Pop, but I also wanted a change of scenery, to get away, you know. I was twenty-six and I wanted something else. And no one had married me, no perfect little Jewish boy had turned my head – poor Ma, she tried, boy did she try. I was practically an old maid, so I thought why not follow this guy out to Minneapolis. So I moved."

Mary pressed her lips to Rhoda's chest. "And boy am I sure glad you did."

"Yeah, I guess it did all work out in the end. Though it turned out Mason had a fiancé back in Minneapolis, so by the time I'd found a job and an apartment I was again husband-less. It really started as a theme in my life after that."

Mary laughed, "I would have been completely happy if you'd remained without a husband."

"Yeah?" Rhoda glanced down at her, eyebrow raised.

"Yes, I absolutely hate Joe and Jean-Pierre. Hate that they were married to you. It's…it's wrong." Mary resolutely stated, holding Rhoda closer.

Rhoda just laughed. "Oh, kid. Kid, I wish things could have been different back then. Really, I do."

"I know that." Mary sighed. "I would have had to have been different back then too though. I was so focused on finding a husband, so laser focused. I didn't even notice you. You, Rhoda Morgenstern. Perfect you." Their lips met, kissing for a moment, before Mary pulled apart to gaze down at Rhoda. "How about I make us some hot chocolate and then you can tell me everything that happened after you left Minneapolis."

Rhoda laughed, "you're crazy, kid."

"Did you enjoy being pregnant?" Mary asked as she got up from the couch to search through the kitchen for hot chocolate supplies. For Mary had been curious since they had not really been talking when both had been pregnant, which was ironic for they had practically been pregnant at the same time, as if some divine law had given them this present of motherhood together despite their distance.

"No, I hated it. I couldn't control my weight at all. I just kept piling on the pounds and Jean-Pierre stopped coming home at night." Rhoda admitted from the couch, lazily sitting up to watch Mary in the kitchen.

"Oh, Rho." Mary set down two mugs on the countertop and looked out at Rhoda.

Rhoda shrugged, "he tried to explain that Parisian men didn't sleep with their wives when they were pregnant, some sort of pleasantry, nicety towards the baby or other." Rhoda laughed sarcastically, "how deluded was I to believe him."

"Would you…would you have wanted to sleep with him?" Mary asked shyly, turning on the stove to heat some milk.

Rhoda nodded, "of course I would have! I was so hormonal, so in want and he just…he just abandoned me. We were in Paris then, you know, and I had no one."

"Oh, Rhoda." Mary moved back towards her, taking her in her arms.

"Oh, you didn't know, Mare. I didn't reach out to you. It was my own fault." Rhoda buried her head into Mary's stomach.

"I would have been there, Rho, if I had known...I would have…I would have loved to have been there, to have touched you, to have helped in any way." Mary whispered.

"I know you would have." Rhoda tried to laugh. Her hands snaked their way beneath Mary's shirt, sliding over her skin there as they held one another. "Did you enjoy it?"

Mary nodded, "not particularly. I was very careful with my weight, I ate right, I exercised, I did everything right. But I would break down nightly. Steven wasn't much help, he didn't really understand it. He'd try to comfort me, but nothing he ever said or did worked." Mary sighed, thinking back on all of those torturous nights, all of those evenings spent in discomfort. How different their experiences had been! For Mary had not wanted Steven near her and yet he refused to leave her side. "It's so ironic that all my life I just thought I wanted to be a wife and a mother and when I got both of those things…" Could Mary admit to how empty it had all made her feel? How she had always received more of a thrill out of working in the fast-paced newsroom, no one's mother or wife. No, she could never say that out loud. Rhoda would think her a monster. "I went right back to work as soon as Rose was born. Diane took over. I left breast milk and I went to work. I feel…I feel like I abandoned her."

"No," Rhoda looked up at her. "No, you had your career to think about and you still cared for her. I know you love her, Mare."

"I know, but I…I felt so upset when I saw her, like she had taken something away from me." Mary wiped at her cheek, realizing she'd never voiced this to anyone before in her life. "She was this little thing that needed me and I always…well I always felt like I failed her."

"You didn't, Mare. You gave up your job for her. You took a job for her now!"

Mary considered this, had always tried to convince herself that she had done just that, but it had never felt fully truthful. She had done it out of guilt, guilty that she had let her daughter grow up with Diane and not her. Even Steven had been a better father than she a mother, at least at first. She'd come home from work and find him holding Rose in his arms and Mary would simply hide in her office. It was despicable.

"Hey, Mare." Rhoda pulled at her arm. "I think the milk is boiling."

"Oh!" Mary snapped to, racing to the kitchen to turn off the oven, pouring the white liquid into the two mugs filled with chocolate powder. The smell reminded her of home, of her childhood which had been so very different from Rhoda's. There had never been piano music filling the large rooms in which she'd grown up in. Even though they'd had a grand piano. Only she had touched it the one summer she took piano lessons. When she proved a failure of a musician the lessons ceased and she was no longer able to grace the ivory keys with her dirty little fingers.

She would rather not relive those moments again. Instead, she picked up the mugs of hot chocolate and brought one to Rhoda who graciously took it. "Listen, kid. We did the best we could. We raised two beautiful girls. We should be proud."

Mary did not feel so settled in this assessment but she clinked her glass against Rhoda's anyway.

"Well, now I need to know all that happened between you and Joe in New York."

"You're sure you're ready for that?" Rhoda eyed her, a little guiltily, a little uncertain.

Mary took a deep breath and then nodded. "Yes. I would like to know."

"Well if you insist…"