Chapter 10: I am leaving

Who knows what true loneliness is—not the conventional word, but the naked terror? To the lonely themselves it wears a mask. The most miserable outcast hugs some memory or some illusion. Now and then, a fatal conjunction of events may lift the veil for an instant. For an instant only, No human being could bear a steady view of moral solitude without going mad.

Joseph Conrad (1857–1924)

It has been too long. I do not know how much longer I can take being so close to her and yet so far. Every day that passes, I yearn to hold her, to make her happy I want her with me. Yet she is so distant we barely spend any time in the same room, let alone holding each other as I feel we should. I take some comfort in that she has been letting me hunt with her more often, she still does not talk much but I will take what I can get.

When she is not alone in her room then she is sitting with Alice or Emmett in front of the TV. That was until Alice and Bella got in to an argument. Bella was holding her own against her, which is difficult being as Alice knows what you are going to say before you say it. It was not until Rosalie stepped in and took Alice's side telling Bella to stop being so stubborn and go back to being the old Bella. That really caught her off guard and Bella lost her argument.

Two day later, while Bella was out hunting, Alice had come to me and told me that they are all leaving. They thought that if they gave her space it might help her heal. She also thought Bella and I could have some time alone and try to reconnect. When Bella got back from her hunt, not only was she surprised but also she was angry. I didn't have to read her mind to know what she was thinking, I saw it on her face. She thought they had left because she had pushed them away.

We spent even less time alone after that. She would spend her time in her room reading or she would go hunting. No matter what I tried she just closed her self off form every one. I was getting depressed by the second. I wanted to be with her so badly and she seemed to want nothing to do with me. I thought it might have had something to do with me leaving her in the past but when I brought that up she had a huge tantrum and said that not everything was about me. I still thought it had something to do with that but I didn't bring it up again. Almost two months after that, I had a talk with Carlisle while Bella was out hunting. I had asked his opinion on what I should do about Bella and the situation at hand. He told me to give her time and space that when she was ready she would come to me but I had to think about it I did not want to leave, her not again. When she had come home from hunting, I stopped her and tried to talk to her.

"Bella you have to stop this you can't keep doing this alone" she looked at me with a surprised look on her face.

"Edward you go hunting alone all the time besides that, there aren't many human that come up this far north. I think I have showed enough control in my thirst in not attacking the few brave enough to venture this way. Give me some credit Edward I know I'm a monster but…"

"Bella stop it I don't care if you hunt alone. Yes, I would prefer if we went together but I trust your control. What I am referring to is this self-loathing. I cannot stand it anymore. You are such a beautiful person inside and out. I hate that you think yourself a monster," she growled at me.

"Hypocrite" she said under her breath. We looked at each other for a moment. I was angry that she would think that of herself I only thought that way because I was, I had killed human willing I sought them out and killed them and enjoyed it. I probably would have continued if it had not been for the guilt.

"Edward you have no right to tell me that I shouldn't think myself a monster. When god knows how many times you told me you thought the same of yourself and how many times did I have to tell you that you were not. You may have stopped saying it Edward but I know you never stopped believing it. My reasons for thinking I am a monster are different from yours. You have no idea how I feel and you have no right to judge me." She was right I had no idea how felt, but I wanted to know. I wanted to know everything that went through her mind I wanted to help her. It was infuriating not be able to help her not to be able to make her happy but she wouldn't let me in and I couldn't just sit by as she continued to hate herself more and more each day.

"Then tell me. Tell me so I can help. I want to help you get through this. I cannot stand by and watch you get worse with each day that passes. I can't stand it anymore. I want to be with you Bella I love you so much. I don't want you to hurt anymore. I want to spend eternity with you and I will but I need you to let me help you."

"Edward Please I'm not ready for this. I've hurt too many people being selfish. I am not sure I will be what you want or what you need. I am not the same girl you fell in love with and what if I never get over this what if this I as good as it get."

"Then let me help you Bella. I know it hurts you that you can't be with your family and I know you blame yourself for their pain and loss that they feel but you didn't do it intentionally."

"But It's still my fault don't you get it. I never stopped to think of anyone. Not once did they come in to my mind when I was planning. It was not until Alice told me that they were having a funeral for us did I start to think about them. You don't understand you can't your parent were already gone when you were turned. You were alone. Me, I had me parent who would do anything for me. Nevertheless, all I thought of was stopping my pain. I felt like all I wanted was not to have to dream any more of those horrible dreams of you leaving me. I was selfish and I hurt those I love and loved me. I can see it in your eye I am a monster you were right I do not deserve you. I am no good for you. You deserve better than this, better than I can give you. I love you Edward but you need someone whole, someone that's like an angel not a monster like me. You deserve the world not some broken vampire girl." I moved towards her and grabbed her face

"Bella I don't want anyone else." I told her but she pushed me away.

"Edward, stop it. You do not want me I do not deserve you and I do not think I ever will. I want you to be happy and that mean you need to find someone else. I'm not sure I can make you happy not the way you deserve." She turned and ran away. I stood there not sure how to handle this. I wanted to follow her but that would solve nothing. She was angry and she was down on herself. I gave her the time and space she needed. She was gone for almost the whole day I decide to follow her sent and saw her setting in the snow staring at the sky. I went back to the house to think. I called Carlisle and told him what happened. He told me to give her time and if needed more space. He told me not to force anything. He offered me a room in the new house in London that Esme was fixing up. I told him I would consider it.

When Bella came home, she came to me and apologized for how she behaved. However, she told me she meant what she said about me finding someone new to make me happy. We continued to live together but I found it hard. Slowly we started to talk but only immaterial things, never anything important. We would hunt together sometime. Yet everything seemed to be the same I was not sure how much of it I could take. I love her more than anything in the world but I need her to be okay and if that meant I had to leave, then I would. I decided that I would go to London and if she wanted me, she would follow. I hoped anyways. It took me a week after making the decision to tell her I would leave. I had told Carlisle to expect me.

I went to her room and paused before knocking. She let me in and went to sit at her desk. I walked to the other side of the room. She looked at me and I looked back at her. It took me a minute to actually say the word that I had practice repeatedly in my head.

"I'm leaving." It came out rushed and not at all, what I had wanted. She looked confused.

"But we just went hunting three day ago. You cannot be thirsty already."

"No Bella I mean I'm leaving, I'm going to London. Carlisle has bought a house that Esme has been remodeling. I'm leaving tomorrow." she stood up and looked surprised and sad.

"W-when are you coming back?" she asked me. I turned away I did not want her to see the pain in my face.

"I'm not sure if I am." I would if she wanted me to. If she needed me, I would be back in instant. However, the next word out of her mouth shocked me.

"Don't leave me again." She said. I turned to look at her. Her hand shot to her mouth. I looked in her eye she was just as shocked as I was by the word she had just spoken. "Sorry" she continued "I- I shouldn't have said that. I just… "She paused.

"What Bella, you just what?" What was she thinking? What I would not give to hear her thought at that very moment.

"I-I just thought that things were getting better. I know that things are not the way they used t be but I-I am happy most of the time, when we talk about book and music, when we go hunting together. I thought you were enjoying it too." I looked in her eye. I had not noticed that the time we spent together made her happy. I was making her happy. How hadn't I noticed it? "Sorry I shouldn't be saying these things I told you to move on. If you want to leave, you should. I have no right to tell you otherwise Forget I said anything. I'm sorry." she turned away from me looking to look at her desk. I walked up to her and placed my hand on her shoulder. I couldn't help but be happy she didn't want me to leave. She wanted me to stay with her, yet she didn't want to ask me to stay.

"I don't want to leave Love," I said softly in to her ear. "I never wanted to I just thought that you need time and space. I won't leave you again, if you want me to stay I will. Just say the word Isabella and I'll stay. I'll stay with you for eternity all you have to do is ask." she turned slowly and looked up at me but said nothing. I could see she was thinking but she just stared at me.

Bella's POV

All you have to do is ask the words kept running through my head. I looked in his eyes. Could I say it, could I tell him to stay? I didn't want him to leave me. I didn't want to be alone but was that it, the fear of being alone or was there something more. I wasn't sure if I was ready for something but could I let him go? Just the thought made me want to cry I hadn't realized how hard it would be if he left. Although I told him to leave to find someone new, it felt just as heart wrenching as when he left me last year. Could I do that? Could I live without him? No I tried and look what I did if he left again even if it was my doing this time I would be just a big of a mess as I was before. What would I do if he weren't here?

"Stay" I whispered I saw a smile on his face as I said it he kissed my forehead and gave me a hug. I hugged him back. I felt good it felt right and I felt happy. I didn't want to lose him again, I couldn't. I knew I couldn't. I just had to put my bad thoughts and feelings aside and try to be happy and try to make him happy. "Stay" I said louder. He pulled me close and pressed his lips on mine. I kissed him back it was the mot passionate kiss we had ever had. My hand made it to his hair. I expected him to pull away as he always did but to my delight, he pulled me in closer. He held me close with his arms around my waist. Then his lips pulled away from mine yet held me tighter. He looked in to my eyes and I smiled at him.

"God Bella I love you," he said then pressed his lips on mine softly.

xXB&EXx

I knew that I wasn't the same girl any more but I wanted to be. When Edward had told me that he was leaving it seemed to bring me to reality. I didn't know how to survive with out him and I had taken for granted having him so close by and willing to put up with my emo attitude. We slowly tried to get back to having a normal loving relationship. We both knew that we needed to work on things and we did that together. We started talking more. We told each other what we were feeling and what we wanted form ourselves and each other. It wasn't easy but we worked at it and after a few months we were in a healthy relationship. It also helped that I wasn't breakable anymore. We were able to explore our relationship like we were never able to before. We didn't go all the way, although I really wanted to. Edward had asked me to wait. He wanted it to be special. I had an idea of what he thought was special.

I was sitting in my room when I heard the door open. I knew it was Edward, not only were we the only two living in the house but I could smell him a mile away. I heard him sit next to me on the chase. I continued to read as if he wasn't there. I was getting to the good part and wanted to finish reading it.

"Bella?" Edward spoke. I held up a finger to shush him while I read the last few words on the page.

"Yes Edward?" I said smiling at him when I looked up from my book.

"Esme called this morning. She says the house in London is done and she waned the whole family there soon. She doesn't like having her children scattered around the globe. She asked when we were headed over." I stiffened I couldn't travel to the London right now. My eyes had just started to change and had an burnt orange color. And I hadn't really been around humans since I was one. I couldn't do this and I couldn't let Edward stay away from his family because of me. I looked over at Edward and he saw the look on my face.

"Tell my what you're thinking Bella." he asked while pulling me in to his arms.

"I can't go Edward. I'm not ready to be around humans. I don't trust my self and my eyes haven't fully changed yet. I can't, sorry, I can't go just yet. You go. You go and spend time with your family."

"There are a few things you have said that are very wrong. First your eyes you can ware contacts or just have on sunglasses. Second they are our family but mostly you are my family. So no I won't go any where with out you. Remember the last time I left or even the last time I tried to leave. It won't ever happen again. And lastly, I trust you and your control. I believe that you could get on any plane right now and you would be fine, a little uncomfortable, but fine. Besides we do have a privet jet we can take and that eliminates a cabin full of humans. It would just be us and the pilots. I told Esme that it might take us a few weeks before we can go and I hope that we can but if you still feel unsure then we will wait till you feel ready. She will understand my love, I promise." I looked at him he always knew just how to make me feel better. I leaned in to kiss him. Our kiss started soft and sweet. Before I knew what happened I was on his lap and the kiss was intense. Are hands were all over each other. I started to take off his shirt when he pulled away.

"Bella, not yet please." he said with his eyes closed. I got off his lap and left the room. It wasn't the first time that that had happened. It actually happened quiet frequently but I still felt dejected and hurt. I never told Edward because I knew why he wanted to wait and I admired him for it but that didn't mean that I doesn't mean my feelings don't get hurt. I decided to take a walk and clear my head. I didn't want to have doubts about my relationship with Edward and if I kept on the way I was then I would. I'm not sure how long I was out but when I got back I found Edward sitting on the porch waiting for me.

"Bella I'm sorry it's just..."

"No Edward, its okay I understand. You want to wait I get it. I just to deal with it. One day maybe, who knows, I just..."

"What Bella, You what?"

"I understand why you want to wait till we do that but every time we get to the point where you feel we have to stop I feel a little dejected. I know you don't mean to hurt my feeling but sometimes I can't help, sorry." He pulled me in to his arms.

"Bella I'm sorry I make you feel that way. I don't mean to."

"I know Edward, really I do. Its just that sometimes I feel like that's as far as we will ever get and it makes me sad that's all but I don't want you to feel bad about it. Its just me being stupid."

"Bella nothing you feel is stupid my love and just so you know that it will happen as soon as your my wife it will happen and if you want we could spent the next hundred years doing just that." I smiled at him and he gave me a chaste kiss on the lips.