SCENE 10
EXACTLY THE SAME AS SCENE NINE BUT I NEEDED A CLIFFHANGER!
(Big Mac has tied Connie's hands to keep her from further action but he's keeping the gun on her just in case.)
CAL: (Urgently to Ethan.) Grab him. Operate. Save him. Kudos. Pay rise!
(But Lofty is already stirring. He gives a little moan and sits up, looking dazed.)
MARTA: Darling, you're not dead! Thank goodness!
(Lofty slips his hand inside his shirt and holds up a framed photograph with a bullet in it.)
LOFTY: Sometimes it pays to be soppy!
MARTA: (Somewhat incoherently.) You had my photo… next to…? It saved you… My Ben!
LOFTY: My Marta!
DYLAN: My sick bucket now! (Kindly to Lofty.) Glad you're not dead though mate. You're good at running errands.
MARTA: But are you all right, darling?
LOFTY: (Opening his shirt to show her.) My chest hurts a bit.
MARTA: Oh darling what a horrible bruise! I'll kiss it better when we're alone!
DYLAN: (Leering at Lily.) I've got a horrible bruise on my bum.
LILY: (Looking bored.) I'll give you some cream for it.
ROBYN: One thing I don't get. We saw the footage at the ball, we saw Connie bullying Lofty afterwards… but what was all that stuff where Connie was talking to a white light in her office and what's that squeaky thing in the bin?
MAX: (Suddenly throwing his arms round Robyn and kissing her.) That ain't no squeaky thing… that's my missing woman!
ROBYN: In the bin? Max… isn't she a little small for you?
CONNIE: (With one last try at pure evil.) That bin Big Mac took to the incinerator earlier?
MAX: (Screaming.) EEEEEEEEEE!
BIG MAC: The bin's still there, mate. (To Connie.) Liar, liar, heels on fire.
(Dylan, Cal and Ethan throw the bin to each other as if it's a football. Max leaps for it as the Robyn sings, to a reprise of the pig tune.)
ROBYN: Get that bin! Get that bin! Max's woman's in the bin!
Though I don't see how she could fit in it.
There's a fog in my brain for today's been insane,
And it's getting madder by the minute.
Connie sulks….there's a shot…
Lofty's dead… then he's not.
Now we need to save this mystery woman Max has got
From the bin, from the bin, from the bin.
(Dylan drops the bin. Pandemonium. Then the test tube breaks and Zoe is freed. She advances on Connie, stethoscope raised.
MAX: Isn't she wonderful?
ZOE: Just hang in there, handsome. Harpy to see to first. You all right, Ben?
LOFTY: (Still cuddling Marta.) Never better.
ZOE: (Waving the stethoscope.) I need cops!
(A flash. Then a policeman and woman appear and start handcuffing Connie.)
OFFICER ONE: You do not have to say anything… but you're under arrest for the attempted murder of Ben Chiltern, for bullying your staff and for putting my favourite Strictly star in a bin! That should get you at least five years' jail… and somebody else will have your job when you come out.
ZOE: But don't worry Anaconda, my sweet, I'll always be behind you.
(She sings. This is I'll be there, not the Michael Jackson song but the one from the musical 'Lock Up Your Daughters – should be on You Tube.)
ZOE: When, in some cold jobcentre, for your sins you must atone,
Console yourself with this old pal, you will not be aaaaaalone…
(The audience pulls a face.)
ZOE: (Speaking.) What do you expect for these prices, Lesley Garrett?
(She sings.)
ZOE: When they won't interview you, I'll be there,
When the chavs all outdo you, I'll be there.
I'll be there with my biro, whittling pounds from off your giro,
I'll be there – you'll get zilch – I'll be there.
When you ask shops for credit, I'll be there.
To made sure you don't geddit, I'll be there.
If your chance you so misuse that you have to sell Big Issues,
I'll be there – with a brick! – I'll be there.
I'll be there all dressed up in my Strictly Best,
And you'll hear me heckling louder than the rest.
When, with one final grumble – I'll be there –
Into Heaven you stumble, I'll be there.
Should you go somewhere hotter, well, you won't find Harry Potter.
I'll be there at hell's gates, I'll be there.
(Connie is led off by the cops.)
ROBYN: But Max, how did you know it was your woman in the bin?
MAX: (Shyly.) My heart told me.
DYLAN: Sickbuckettttttt!
(Charlie struts on with that 'they're letting me perform' look on his face.
CHARLIE: Love's a powerful thing, Dylan. Look how it saved Ben and Zoe.
(He sings:)
CHARLIE: Love, love changes everything,
Bad times over, skies are blue,
Now we'll have a wonderful
Holby wedding-
MAX: Make that two!
(He kneels to Zoe.)
Zoe, darling, marry me,
And I'll love you for a lifetime.
ZOE: Max, of course I'll marry you,
Soon as poss, if not at once!
DYLAN: Max just pulled a top-class tart, the jammy ponce!
(Big Mac looks worried.)
BIG MAC: (Aside.) Two weddings? Two couples I like? Two presents and a new suit? Oh dear.
ZOE: (Waving her stethoscope.) Payslip's here, Mac.
(A payslip floats down. Mac catches it and reads it.)
MAC: A bonus? Three thousand pounds? YEE HAH!
(He does a joyful little dance, to the Clog Dance music they used in Brassed Off. The producer rushes in.)
PRODUCER: I have a text message here, from inside the Albert Hall.
Can I have my song back please, love and hugs from Michael Ball.
DYLAN: He can find another one, he's hogged that one for a lifetime!
ALL: Oh, love, love changes everything,
This is where our story ends,
If you thought it rubbish, please don't tell your friends!
(Everybody hugs each other.)
Well, it's not quite the end, we still have the curtain call to come…