Chapter Ten

I don't think 'shocked' quite covered how I was feeling.

Lana's hands moved from my shoulders to the back of my neck, still kissing me enthusiastically. I wasn't quite as eager; my eyes were wide open, I was pretty sure I was frozen and I don't even know what my hands were doing.

Suddenly, we heard whooping and whistling from the crowd in the living room.

The room went dead silent as she froze. She slowly leaned back and let go of me; her eyes seemed to be as wide as mine. I felt like I was in the middle of a strange episode, in which I was just kissed by a girl – without warning. And everyone was watching.

"Hey, Al," Kevin said loudly, and I turned to see him nudging Al's back with his foot. "You'd better watch out before Lana steals your girlfriend!"

"You must be bad if your girlfriend turns gay on you," Steve teased, sniggering.

Everyone else broke into nervous laughs – except Al. His expression looked to be somewhere between dumbstruck and confused, as though he felt like he was missing something. Slowly, I turned back to Lana, who immediately stepped back, looking horrified.

"Mandy, I am so sorry," she whispered hurriedly, frantically. "I didn't mean to do that, I really didn't, I must be so drunk – it's just that you looked so sad because Al thinks you're not pretty, and I just wanted to you to somehow know –" She cut off abruptly, then looked down at her feet. "I shouldn't have done that."

I somehow found my voice again. "It's okay."

"Are you sure?" she said weakly, looking up again.

"Yeah." I nodded, somehow. I felt very numb. "Really. It's fine."

Then, I did something very un-Gryffindor-like.

I ran.

I didn't get too far. I only reached just outside before I stopped, not knowing where to go. I was standing outside a sketchy apartment building in a sketchy neighbourhood in a sketchy part of town where the street lights were spread far apart and it didn't seem like there was anyone there.

At eleven at night.

And yet, that wasn't exactly my primary concern.

I just couldn't help but notice that despite the fact that I wasn't attracted to Lana, I hadn't really felt anything in the kiss and it really didn't mean anything, it wasn't that… bad. And I guess I was sort of expecting it to be, since a girl just kissed me.

But it wasn't bad. It wasn't like kissing Kevin, because that was out of the blue and disgusting, since he'd just shoved his tongue down my throat at the first opportunity. It wasn't like snogging Al, because while it caused a million butterflies in my stomach, I'd never really liked the way he was sort of rough and fast. Lana's was kind of sweet.

Was this how James felt when he first started figuring out he was gay?

"Hey." I jumped in surprise and turned to see Al behind me. He was grinning nervously. "You all right?"

I shrugged. "I guess. Shocked."

"Do you want to go home?" he asked, and I shook my head. We stood there in silence for a few moments; I was looking down at my shoes, trying not to blush at his stare. He let out a short breath and shrugged. "Want to go on the roof?"

"The roof?"

He smiled and grabbed my hand. The next thing I knew, he was dragging me into the alley beside the building, then we were running up the steps of the fire escape.

We were completely out of breath as we reached the roof, but it was beautiful. Past the creepy part of town where we were, we could see all the lights of the city, but it was far enough away that we could also see the stars.

"I guess you've realized how much I like being on the roof," I said breathlessly.

He laughed and pulled me to the ledge. I noticed he sat much farther back on the ledge than I did; he was probably scared, being up so high, but he was still there. For me. I pushed my legs over, letting them dangle off the edge.

I watched Al from the corner of my eye as he lit another fag. It was very rare for him to smoke more than one a night, and I was surprised. He held it out to me after taking the first drag.

"No thanks," I told him, and he shrugged.

"So," he said casually. Too casually. "That was some show in there."

I felt my cheeks turn red. "It wasn't a show. It was an accident."

"You accidentally kissed her?" he asked, sniggering.

"I didn't kiss her," I replied, "so it was accidental. She apologized, anyway."

"Did she?" he said, but I could tell he didn't care. His expression clearly said he just wanted to tease me. "You know, it's okay if you wanted to."

I felt my irritation grow. "I didn't."

"I don't mind. I just wish you'd told me."

"Al, stop it."

"I mean, she's pretty hot, so I understand."

That one struck a nerve. I turned away and looked out at the city lights again, trying not to feel the sting of it. This whole thing – Al not finding me attractive – was why this whole thing happened in the first place. I wasn't even sure why he was out there and not with his friends and Abbey, but I'd suspected they'd driven them away.

I didn't realize I'd been shivering before Al shrugged off his sweater and draped it around my shoulders. I nearly jumped in surprise, but he pulled it tightly around me and looked away.

"Aren't you cold?" I asked in surprise.

"Not really," he said, seemingly unconcerned. "You know, they're just teasing you. It's no big deal. Half of them in there have kissed each other while drunk. Sometimes more."

"Have you?"

"Yeah," he said matter-of-factly. "I mean, we were just experimenting and stuff. It just turned out that I figured out that I'm not gay, and he realized he was bi."

"Who was that?"

"Steve." I raised an eyebrow, and he chuckled. "You didn't notice? He and Peter have been dating for the past few months."

"I thought they were really good friends," I admitted, and he smirked.

"I'd say."

"I don't think I'm gay," I confided, thinking as I spoke. "I mean, it was kind of nice. But weird. I didn't feel a thing, and I'm not attracted to her."

Al observed me closely for a few moments.

"Well," he said finally, the corners of his mouth twitching, "if you're still questioning it, we can always make sure."

It took me a second to figure what he meant.

"Shut it," I said, blushing furiously and smacking his side lightly. He laughed and put his arm around me suggestively, and I wiggled away. The problem was that it was clear we were just friends – that he didn't find me attractive – so I thought I should probably treat him like one. It wasn't as though I minded the flirting, or even the touching.

I just wished he'd meant it.

"Are you going out with Al again?" Mum asked as I walked into the kitchen. I raised an eyebrow, and she gestured at my outfit with a wooden spoon. "You're wearing the clothes you usually hate."

"Oh," I said, colouring slightly as I slid in a seat beside Addie at the breakfast bar. "Yeah, I am."

"You never eat at home anymore," Victor commented as he looked in the fridge.

"Yes I do."

"No, you don't. I'm surprised you're not fat from eating out so much."

I stuck my tongue out at him, and he chucked a grape at me. I ducked. "You know, there's something called being active."

"That term is foreign to me," he deadpanned.

"But he has a point," Addie piped up, her attention diverting from her book. "You and Al go out all the time. What do you do?"

I shrugged nonchalantly, but my mind was racing. I found myself just blabbering out all the stuff I wish Al and I did. Normal couple stuff.

"I dunno. We eat. Go bowling. See a movie. Take walks."

"You take walks until twelve at night?" Mum asked, turning and giving me a concerned look. "That's not safe, Mandy."

"Well, not every night," I lied carefully, trying to hold eye contact.

"I wish my boyfriend wanted to do that stuff," Addie said wistfully. I found myself wishing the same thing. "All he wants to do is snog."

"Then why are you going out with him?"

"I didn't say I didn't like it," she defended, and I laughed.

"What are you guys doing tonight?" Victor asked me, setting a bowl of grapes in front of Addie and I. "Don't you get bored of doing the same thing over and over?"

"Don't you?" I countered teasingly. Addie made kissing noises at him.

"Shut it," he said.

"I dunno what we'll do," I lied again, popping a grape in my mouth. "We usually just decide on the spot. We do more than just snog," I emphasized to my sister.

"Oh, do you?" she retorted, and I mentally smacked myself.

Wow, I'd really walked into that one.

"So should we be expecting you home tonight, or at Al's?" Victor asked, sniggering.

I turned a deep red and quickly glanced at my mum. Her shoulders were suddenly stiff. "Erm… I didn't think I could do that…"

"Victor has Barbie over all the time," Addie pointed out, avoiding our brother's glare at his girlfriend's nickname. "You're of age."

I looked over to my mum again. She didn't turn around as she spoke. "I won't stop you."

"You won't?" I said nervously. This was way more freedom than I was accustomed to. "Seriously?"

"I wouldn't mention it to Dad," Victor commented, still laughing. I nearly jumped when the doorbell rang, and quickly hurried out to where Al was waiting.

"Use protection!" Addie yelled after me, just before I opened the door.

I could only pray he hadn't heard that.

"Hey, it's Lana's new girlfriend!" Kevin greeted us as Al and I entered his apartment.

I felt really bad when Lana turned bright red and sped away, towards the kitchen. Al and I took a seat beside Kevin and Abbey. They seemed more than drunk than usual, which was saying something.

"I wish you wouldn't say that," I told Kevin. "I think she feels really guilty."

"Only because you're not gay," he said loudly. He wrapped an arm tightly around Abbey. "Don't steal my girlfriend!"

"Don't mind him," she said, rolling his eyes. "He's just mad because I cut him off the alcohol."

"Good call," Al told her, laughing. I felt a pang of jealousy in my gut.

"Lana shouldn't be so sensitive," Kevin cut in, ignoring our conversation entirely. "I mean, she almost took advantage of our innocent little Mandy here. Mandy the Prude."

"I'm not a prude," I snapped.

"Wait, are you a virgin?" Abbey asked immediately, turning to me.

My eyes widened. Wasn't that private? "Umm –"

"No shit, she is," Kevin just about shouted, laughing at the same volume. He was looking at me with this condescension like, I wasn't worthy of his time, because I hadn't had sex. "Damn, Al, how slow are you two going? It's nearly been a month!"

Al stiffened, but didn't say anything. Why wasn't he saying anything?

"There's nothing wrong with being a virgin," I said, my voice wavering more than I would've liked.

"Right," Kevin said, snorting. "I think it's time to remedy this situation." He pushed Abbey off his lap and looking around the room. "Oi, Steve, help me."

"Don't make them do anything," Abbey scolded, but he wasn't listening. The next thing I knew, Kevin had grabbed Al around the collar and dragged him across the room, disappearing in the hallway.

Then Steve picked me up.

"What are you doing?" I demanded, struggling, but it didn't make a difference; he just sped in the same direction as Al and Kevin. A few moments later, we entered the bedroom, he dumped me on the bed. I saw Kevin and Al nearly wrestling, but Kevin was huge; he knocked Al backwards and hurried out the door, Steve a step ahead of them.

Al lunged for the door, but it shut in his face and locked. He pounded the door with his fist, his friends' laughter taunting him. He hadn't protested the entire time there, but something inside him seemed to crack and he began to shout.

I couldn't help but wonder why he didn't just tell them off.

"GUYS, LET US OUT! GUYS – fuck." Al groaned and turned around, running a hand through his hair. "The doorknob is jammed. They're not going to let us out for a while."

I looked at the bed, and back at him. "Fine."

"We don't have to do anything."

"Oh, really," I challenged, raising an eyebrow.

"Yes, really."

"Because that would just prove them right, wouldn't it?" I shot back, more than a little pissed off. "That I'm just a prude?"

He exhaled loudly. "Mandy..."

"I'm not a prude – just because I haven't done anything, it doesn't mean I am one," I forced out, hugging my arms across my body.

"That's technically what it means –"

"I'm not a prude, okay?!"

"Okay, okay!" he said hastily, stepping back. "I never said you were!"

"What the hell is wrong with being a virgin, anyway?"

"Nothing!"

"Then why aren't you one?" I protested, turning away so he didn't see me blushing. It was pretty obvious the way Kevin was talking that Al definitely wasn't – but it wasn't supposed to bother me. Al and I weren't anything, nothing but friends, so it shouldn't matter.

"Come on, Mandy," he said, stepping forwards, hands held up in front of him. "It's different for everyone. My friends are just being drunk and stupid. Don't listen to them."

"Right," I said bitterly. "Just like you do."

I'd struck a nerve. He crossed his arms tightly and turned away, staring at the locked door again. I didn't even want to know what he was thinking, but I refused to feel guilty for speaking the truth.

I sighed and sat on the edge on the bed. "Al, can I ask you something?"

"Go for it," he said irritably.

"Would you do it, if I asked you to?"

He spun around, jaw dropped. "What?"

"Would you do it." I cleared my throat, trying to look into his eyes, but I couldn't. "You know. Have sex with me. Take my virginity. Whatever."

"You want me to?"

"I don't know!" I said defensively, staring at my knees. "I just – is it better to get it over with or wait? Because I've always thought it's better to wait, but now it just seems like…" I trailed off, thinking of the look on their faces. Like I was an alien.

First my siblings, now Al's stupid friends.

I was so tired of feeling innocent and small.

Al shoved his hands in his pockets. "I was in a relationship."

"With Abbey?"

"No. Someone else."

"Were you in love with her?"

"No," he admitted uneasily, "but we were dating for about three months. We broke up a couple of months later after we did it, but that wasn't why. Things just didn't work out."

"Why'd you do it?" I asked quietly. "Did Kevin and Steve tease you, too?"

"A bit." He sat down beside me, far enough so he wasn't touching me, but close enough that he could. "Yeah, I guess."

"Do you regret it?"

"Not really."

"What about anyone else?" I asked, my voice getting smaller and smaller. "Have you ever hooked up with anyone?"

He ran a hand through his hair. "Yeah. I don't really like hook-ups."

"Did Kevin and Steve make you -"

"Look Mandy," he interrupted, looking very uncomfortable, "I'm not lying when I say the decision is different for everybody. Just do it when you're ready. You really shouldn't listen to their stupid comments. "

I didn't say anything.

"Even if I did," he added quietly.

I exhaled. My fingers were sweaty and digging into my sides. "So, would you?"

"Would I…"

"Hypothetically, if I wanted to get it over with." And make them stop looking at me like I was a child. I cleared my throat again. "Entirely theoretically, if I wanted to lose my virginity... would you have sex with me?"

Al swallowed hard, eyes surveying me – my body. Slowly, he nodded.

We'd been sitting in silence. I was twiddling my thumbs. Al was staring at the wall, deep in thought. I wasn't sure if this was just awkward since we'd just agreed to the fact that we both would have sex with each other but weren't going to. It probably was.

I lay back on the bed, non-suggestively, and rubbed my eyes. I wanted to take it back. Before, Al was using me, no questions asked. Now, I felt like I had hope. That maybe he could like me back.

"I hated you," Al blurted out of the blue.

Well. There went the hope.

I sat up and put my knees to my chest, as though I were protecting myself from the blow. I looked away so he wouldn't see my eyes water. "Oh."

"Everyone did," he continued. Another stab to my heart. Great.

"Thanks," I mumbled into my knees.

"I wasn't sure why they did, at first," he told me, as though we were talking about the weather. "I knew why I did, but it took me a little while to figure out why they hated you. Some of it was because you play Quidditch. Team rivalry and all that. But then..." I saw him shake his head. "I dunno. They seemed to hate you because you were annoying."

Tears were threatening to spill, but I held them in. "Annoying?"

"Yeah. You were, I guess. I mean, you did your homework at the last minute and still got decent grades. You were always doing weird things, and they thought it was for attention. All the teachers loved you anyway. Half the time, my friends hated you because you were skipping around and half covered in mud from your latest... whatever you were doing."

"So..." I wanted to protest, but I took a deep breath instead. Al didn't seem to notice. "Everyone out there... they actually hate me?"

"I don't know if they hate you anymore," he said, shrugging.

"Then why did you bring me here?"

"You know." He shrugged again. "Abbey."

That was the worst stab to my heart out of all of them.

I think Al noticed me sniffling (I wasn't crying. Really. I kept in those tears. But snot is a bitch), because he moved over and wrapped his arms around me, trapping me against his chest. He dropped his chin on my shoulder and lightly kissed me, under my ear. "Mandy, I meant it in the past tense."

"I don't care."

"I swear I don't hate you anymore, not at all -"

"Al, what did I do?" I asked quietly, refusing to look at him. Refusing to relax in his arms. "What was it that made you say all those things?"

"It was them," he said quickly. "That's what they said, I just went along with it, and it was stupid, I know -"

"That's not it!" I protested, turning around. Al still wouldn't let go of me. "That's not it, and you know it!"

"But I didn't -"

"Why did you hate me, Al?" I demanded. "What did I do to you -"

"I was jealous, okay?" he burst out bitterly.

… what?

I leaned back and crossed my arms. Preparing for the blow. "But... you had the friends. You ditched me. I don't -"

"I was jealous that you'd forgotten me so easily," he told me, as though I'd stolen the words from him, that the last thing he wanted. He let go of me abruptly and looked away. "I was jealous because you were still happy without me. So I hated you for it."

I couldn't breathe anymore.

I could barely think. My head was spinning, as though things were suddenly making sense, and then none at all. What I knew was that Al ditched me for his new friends, who hated me. And now he was telling me it was because I went on with my life, trying to let him go.

He exhaled quietly and shook his head at the ceiling. "Now you know. Happy?"

No. I wasn't.

Because if he cared so much, why didn't he just come back? Why did he ditch me?

Before I could even think of a reply, there was a loud knocking at the door. We froze as Kevin's loud, drunken voice filtered through: "OI! I NEED MY BEDROOM BACK! I'M COMING IN THERE, WHETHER YOU'RE NAKED OR NOT!"

Al and I had barely a moment to exchange terrified glances. Then the next thing I knew, the door was opening, Al's lips were bruising mine with his and I heard whooping and whistling.

"Get it, mate!" Kevin yelled loudly, senselessly. "Did you fuck the bitch out of her yet?"

I froze in shock. Al detached himself from me and glared at him.

Abbey laughed from beside Kevin, hanging off his arm; she was a little drunker than before. "I told you they wouldn't do it. Stop pressuring them, already -"

"Don't tell me what to do -"

That was all we heard of their conversation before Al pulled me out of the room and shut the door. I turned to him immediately. "What is he talking about?"

He gave me an apologetic look. "Just ignore him, he's drunk -"

"Do you think I'm a bitch?" I asked shakily. I was honestly scared. Really scared. And normally I loved this kind of scary, but this was different. This didn't feel like adrenaline anymore.

"Am I?" I asked again, quieter this time. "What does he mean?"

"He's an idiot," Al whispered, wrapping his arms around me. He forced me tightly against his chest. "Please don't listen to him."

"Al, he's not going to - you're not going to -"

"He's not going to touch you," he said firmly. We began to hear noises from the bedroom, and Al took my hand, pulling me into the living room. I sat down, watching as his eyes narrowed at something in the kitchen.

"Mandy, I'll be right back," he said. "I just have to talk to someone."

"But -"

"Don't worry," Al reassured me, smiling and leaning down to kiss my cheek.

I sat back on the couch and shivered, hugging myself tightly. Kevin's words frightened me more than I could imagine. I didn't know why - hadn't I heard them just about a million times? People said it on television all the time. I hadn't freaked out then. But I hadn't been seen as a bitch then.

I'd never been so aware of how other people thought of me.

"Hey." I turned to see Steve plop down beside me. His hand immediately went to my thigh.

I shifted away and brought my legs up to my chest, curling into myself. I was shaking again. "Steve, please don't."

He shrugged and took his hand away. "Want a joint?"

I looked around. Al still wasn't back, and he didn't seem to be coming back anytime soon. Kevin was still with Abbey in his bedroom - and though he wasn't coming out for a while, I just wanted to forget I was still there in his apartment. I knew Al was probably right, that Kevin wouldn't do anything to me.

I just needed to forget for a while.

It didn't make me forget.

Oh Merlin oh Merlin oh Merlin, this was a bad idea, such a bad idea, everything was just too much, like every inch of my skin was tingling, the colours around me too bright, too fast too slow and so loud -

"What the fuck is going on?"

"She's tripping out, mate!" Steve jeered, his voice washing over me, like I could feel the sound.

I looked up at him; Al was there, holding him by the collar. Everything was so vivid. "Why would you give her that now? You know it's her first time!"

"Relax," Steve said, rolling his eyes. "She's barely smoked any, she'll only be high for about twenty minutes." He turned away from Al and gestured to a group of people across the room. "Guys, Mandy's tripping out!"

"Oh, fuck off!" Al shouted, and I cringed. Suddenly, way too suddenly, he scooped me up from the couch and apparated. The next thing I knew, we were in his room.

And I really had to throw up.

Al obviously knew, but I didn't know how; everything was a blur as he ran to his bathroom. I vaguely saw the inside of his toilet before my dinner came up, and I hurled. My throat felt raw, I was dizzy and everything was vibrating against my senses.

Eventually, my insides calmed down. Al helped me stand as I rinsed out my mouth, then lead me to his bed. He made me lie down, and that helped. Sort of.

"What's going on?" I croaked, my voice echoing my ears.

"You tripped out," he said gently as he covered me with his blankets. They smelled like him. "It happens to some people when they smoke weed the first time. They can't handle the feeling, and they panic."

I shut my eyes, but everything still felt tingly. "I want it to stop."

He sat down and brushed my hair out of my eyes. "Do you want something to eat?"

I nodded. I felt his weight leave the bed and heard him shifting some stuff around. When he came back, he sat back down and grabbed my hand to pull me up.

"Do you like Pumpkin Pasties?" he asked as he unwrapped one for me. "My cousins gave some last time they visited. Still have a couple leftover." He handed it to me, and I took a tentative bite.

Then I devoured it.

That was the best fucking pasty I'd ever eaten.

Al was trying not to laugh as I licked my fingers. "Good?"

I nodded and lay back down. "Yeah."

"You can sleep here if you want," he said softly. "I'll get you back before your parents notice."

"Don't worry, they've been expecting me to stay over," I said sleepily, not really thinking about what I was saying. I could see Al's cheeks tinge in the moonlight, and I giggled. "You're cute when you blush."

"They were teasing you about that?" he asked, ignoring my last comment.

"Yeah." I thought for a second. "My dad wasn't home."

"Oh."

"Al?"

"Yeah?"

"I don't think I want to get high like this anymore," I decided, reaching for his hand. "Next time, I'll just bungee jump off a taller building."

He laughed.

I tugged him closer. "Can you hold me?"

Al blushed again before gently pushing me to the other side of the bed. When he climbed under the covers, I settled my head onto his chest. I didn't even feel shy about it. I just snuggled into his t-shirt and yawned. "Thank you."

"You're welcome," he said, his breath a little short.

That was the last thing I remembered before I fell asleep.