Chapter 9: I Shall Believe

"Maybe gratitude has nothing to do with joy. Maybe being grateful means recognising what you have for what it is. Appreciating small victories. Admiring the struggle it takes simply to be human." ~ Meredith Grey

It's empty in the valley of your heart

The sun, it rises slowly as you walk
Away from all the fears
And all the faults you've left behind

Santana continued to turn, 360 degrees, observing all angles in the full length mirror in front of her. At barely three months, she was beginning to show ever so slightly, the bump visible as she stood in her underwear, but luckily just about covered in her normal clothes and scrubs.

She didn't know what she was going to do with the baby, let alone start telling people.

She placed a cautious hand on the tiny bump, rubbing her thumb in circles and frowning at her reflection. Of course she was well educated on pregnancy from medical school (and the fact that she was one of six siblings in her family), so she knew the baby was about 7cm long, possibly already swallowing and stuff. It made it all the more scary- especially since she still had a choice to make.

She'd visited the Peds department late one evening, and when she'd made sure that no-one was around, she'd quickly grabbed a few pregnancy and adoption brochures off the counter. They were now stacked under her bed, hidden from Quinn, and the other two who were desperately concerned for her.

And so they should be. She didn't know what the hell she was going to go, and she only had a certain amount of time to decide, but everyone found out...before Brittany found out.

It was strange, how fucking nervous Santana was about telling the blonde. Would she judge her? Would she see her differently? She honestly didn't know why she cared that much...it wasn't just the fact that the two had become so much closer in the past few months...or the look Brittany sometimes gave her when she thought the Latina wasn't looking...it was just- it was Brittany. Brittany.

She didn't know what to believe about anything anymore.

There were suddenly quiet footsteps by the door, and she turned to find Quinn, her hair piled on top of her head in a curly bun, observing her, a small sympathetic smirk on her face. Santana rolled her eyes, pulling on a slightly baggier t-shirt than normal and scoffing.

'Stop giving me that look!'

'What look?'

'You know what I'm on about- just because your skinny ass is staying skinny.' She murmured the last part sulkily under her breath, and Quinn laughed from the doorway.

'Cheer up, I'm taking you guys out for Chinese later, that should satisfy you for a bit.'

Santana made a small scoffing sound, but the idea did cheer her up a bit. She eyed Quinn, who was wearing a floaty lilac dress and a grinning face, suspiciously. 'Why are you so chipper today, huh?'

Quinn shrugged way too innocently, slowly retreating from the doorway. 'I just have a feeling things are looking up.' She turned her back and moved into the hallway, and Santana scowled playfully.

'Thanks for bragging about your awesome life, I'm feeling better now!' She shouted after her, and Quinn called back from the kitchen, still cheerful.

'Relax, you're pregnant, not homeless and washing your hair with drain water.'

XXX

Cause I have other things to fill my time
You take what is yours and I'll take mine
Now let me at the truth
Which will refresh my broken mind

'Dr Hummel, would you mind coming with me to fill in some charts that you forgot to do yesterday morning?'

Blaine's tone was light and professional, but Kurt had to hold back a smirk as to not make the other interns, including Rachel, suspicious.

Kurt looked up at the resident, whose hair was still slightly damp from their morning shower (as far as his room-mates knew, he had been visiting his dad all weekend, but even they were starting to get suspicious), his face expressionless and questioning as he surveyed Kurt. The boy simply nodded, giving a small, hopefully professional smile.

'Of course, Dr Anderson.'

'Alright then. All of you, report to the rooms specified on your lab papers in about 15 minutes ready for morning rounds.' Blaine told them, snapping his binder shut and turning on his heel down the hallway. Kurt followed eagerly, feeling a thrill of excitement shoot up his spine.

He was still convinced he was dreaming. He was dating Blaine. Blaine. He couldn't believe his luck, that someone that he was head over heels with actually felt the same way.

They'd decided to keep it a secret for the time being- and to be quite honest, it just made it even more exciting. Especially at the possibility of being caught on occasions...

Once they got to one of the rooms, Kurt shut the door behind them and smirked. 'So, what charts am I supposed to be looking over today Doctor?' He asked lightly, and Blaine rolled his eyes, grinning.

'Shut up.' He murmured, before eagerly pushing Kurt into the wall, kissing him insistently before pulling away again. He gave a small smile, which Kurt returned.

'What do you say we make it official?'

Kurt raised an eyebrow. 'Make what official?'

'I mean like, go public. With us.' Blaine told him lightly, his tone turning serious as Kurt nodded thoughtfully.

'You know I'd be more than happy with that. While it's exciting sneaking around, it'd be nice to not have to see all the other doctors flirting with you all the time.' Kurt murmured, and Blaine chuckled.

'So it's agreed that we start telling people?'

Kurt grinned, nodding again. 'Sure- so... how are we gonna do it?'

XXX

So tie me to a post and block my ears
I can see widows and orphans through my tears
I know my call despite my faults
And despite my growing fears

'Okay, I've mobilised the two intestinal segments and stapled, so we should be done soon.' Brittany remarked happily, glancing up at the head of the 10 year old patient that was on the surgery table. Puck was in the corner, discussing something with one of the technicians, and he nodded in approval.

'37 minutes, not bad Brit.'

'Who said Peds wasn't hardcore?' Brittany asked teasingly, before grinning at Santana from across the table. The Latina felt her stomach twinge suddenly, and she gave a small smile back. There was something undeniably gorgeous about the way the blonde's blue eyes always sparkled from under her scrub cap.

Not that she noticed or anything.

'You're quiet, Santana- are you okay?' She asked, evidently concerned, and the others, including Sam looked at her quizzically.

Shaking herself out of her reverie about the blue eyes, it took a moment for Santana to realise that she was feeling a bit shaky, and her heart was thumping a bit fast. She ignored it though, guessing she'd just looked too into the smile Brittany had given her.

Again, not that she cared.

'Yeah, I'm fine thanks.'

Brittany nodded, still sceptical before quietly asking Sam to pass her a tool. It was as she began to discuss one of his previous surgeries with him that Santana suddenly felt winded, as if the air had been knocked out of her. She stumbled ever so slightly, her skin suddenly prickling as if on fire as her heart raced. She could vaguely see the others turning to her, but her vision was swimming. She could barely gather her thoughts together.

'Santana?' God, even Brittany's melodic voice was sounding fuzzy, as if she was at the end of a long tunnel.

All she knew is that she felt as if she was at the end of a long tunnel. She was zooming away from the light, her knees trembling as she gasped, everything slowly turning black...

There was barely a pause for breath as the six others in the room watched the Latina's knees crumple as she fell to the floor, completely still with her eyes dead shut. They all looked hurriedly at Dr Pierce, whose doe eyes were fixed on Santana, horrified.

'Santana! I can't-' She looked worriedly at the patient she was working on, not being able to leave her position with her hands still inside of the little girl's stomach. 'Somebody- Puck! Don't just stand there-' Her voice cracked slightly, barely being able to tear her eyes off of the motionless girl as Puck rushed forward, his eyes wide as he pushed Sam, who was moving towards Santana worriedly, aside.

'Santana, can you hear me?' He ask lowly, his tone laced with alarm as he gently pressed two fingers against her neck, feeling for a pulse.

'Puck?'

Puck paused, before answering Brittany's worried cry with: 'Heart rate's way too high, she's completely out of it- somebody get me a stretcher, now!'

Brittany watched as a few of the interns and nurses all rushed to pull the passed out girl onto a stretcher, tugging her scrub cap off and shining torches in her eyes. 'Puck- I wanna go with her, the patient's stable- if I go can you stay here and-'

'Brittany-'

'Please?' Brittany asked pleadingly, and Puck sighed before beckoning her to move so he could take her place.

As the blonde quickly moved forwards towards the stretcher that was being wheeled out of the door, Puck suddenly caught her by the elbow, looking hesitant and grim.

'Brit, she's about 12 weeks pregnant.' He murmured quietly in her ear, barely a whisper before he leant back, watching as her mouth fell into an o and her eyes become frightened. She glanced once at him before back at the stretcher, before tugging off her scrub cap and moving out the door swiftly, leaving Puck alone in the OR.

XXX

So come out of your cave walking on your hands
And see the world hanging upside down
You can understand dependence
When you know the maker's hand

'She looks cold- doesn't she look cold? Maybe-'

'She's fine B, her vitals are looking good and her body temperature's back to normal. I'm gonna go ask the doctor how long it'll be before...'

Santana could hear the voices, despite how heavy her head felt. She couldn't place who the voices belonged to, but she knew they were there. She was beginning to get feeling back in her limbs too, and her toes twitches slightly as her head gradually become clearer, even though it was throbbing slightly.

'Santana?'

The voice was alert, and she could feel movement near her head, as if someone was right next to her. She groaned slightly, wanting to see who it was. But her eyes were so heavy..it'd be so much easier to just go back to sleep...

'Santana, it's Brittany, can you hear me?'

That did it.

Santana managed to force her eyelids apart, and she blinked rapidly as her eyes responded to the bright light of the hospital room, taking in the familiar setting and the face peering at her from the chair right next to her bed.

Brittany.

She was looking at her, her eyebrows raised questioningly with worry written all over her face.

Santana cleared her throat. 'Hey.'

Brittany gave a relieved laugh, grinning. 'Hey yourself.'

Santana suddenly realised that something warm was resting on her hand, and she looked down to see the blonde's slender hand placed over hers. Suddenly the hand was smoothly retracted, and she looked up to see Brittany looking sheepish as she gave an apologetic smile.

She already missed the hand's presence on hers.

'What happened?' Santana murmured, pieces of before whirring through her mind. Feeling nauseous, everyone's faces going fuzzy...darkness...and the pain- that split second of mind-numbing pain in her abdomen...

She wanted to voice her concerns, but Brittany had begun to talk. 'You passed out, in the OR. You probably remember that bit though. We ran some tests, and Puck thinks you went into shock. It's probably down to stress levels, your heart rate was through the roof..' She trailed off, and Santana nodded slowly, her eyes slowly travelling down to her abdomen, hidden beneath the crisp white sheets. Brittany followed her gaze, and sighed.

'The baby's fine, we ran tests for that too.' She told her lightly, and Santana's heart leapt into her throat, causing the machine's steady beeping to increase slightly.

She cleared her throat. 'Brittany, I-'

'It's okay. Puck told me when you collapsed, just in case you were...' She didn't finish the sentence, and Santana gripped the sheets a little harder, willing herself not to think of what could've happened. The pain in her stomach...

'Are you sure- I mean, are you completely sure that the baby's okay? It's not-'

'You're fine, Santana.' The blonde chuckled slightly, before her face turned uncharacteristically serious again. 'Why didn't you tell me you were pregnant?' She questioned, looking wounded.

She gulped and blinked back a few tears that had sprung to her eyes. She shouldn't be lying in a hospital bed. She shouldn't be in this situation at all. 'I didn't want you to judge me, or think I'm sort of dumb whore that doesn't use protection. Which I did, by the way.' She added as an afterthought, and Brittany looked mildly relieved.

'You still should've told me though. I would've helped, I- I could never judge you, Santana. I'm here, I'm not going anywhere, I promise.' She told her slowly, and Santana bit her lip, comforted. She took a deep breath, nodding as her heart rate returned to normal.

It was silent for a few moments, before Brittany spoke up again, her voice timid.

'So what are you gonna do with it? The baby?'

Santana watched her for a bit, the corners of her lips gently turning upwards as she remembered what Quinn had said, weeks ago when she was even more of a mess than she was now.

'We're your family too.'

She swallowed thickly, tentatively reaching down and placing a hand on her belly. It felt almost natural, motherly.

'We're not going anywhere.'

And just like that, she'd made her decision.

'I'm gonna keep it. The baby, I mean.' She told her firmly, new determination in her face as Brittany began to smile widely, taking her hand again.

Maybe Santana didn't have much faith in herself, but she sure as hell had faith in Brittany and Quinn.

XXX

Cause I need freedom now
And I need to know how
To live my life as it's meant to be

Quinn slowly brushed her hair in the hospital bathroom, watching as the waves cascaded over her shoulders. She'd freshly applied her make-up, and her eyes were bright and eager, almost like a child's. She had a nervous smile on her face, and she was still trying to control her shaking.

But she'd dressed in her favourite blue dress once she'd finished her shift, and now she just needed to find who she was looking for.

And hopefully, everything would be okay.

It didn't take too long to find him. He was standing in the place that she'd first seen him, on her first day- a nice little hallway that overlooked the outside of the hospital, now basked in the night time glow of the passing traffic and the streetlights. She stood watching him for a bit, as he remained perfectly still with his back turned to her, in his normal dark brown jacket and jeans.

After a few moments, he sighed and slowly turned, his face moody and dull before he caught sight of her and stopped walking. He stood staring for a split second, before his eyes lit up in surprise at the sight of her standing there, a huge grin on her face.

And I will hold on hope
And I won't let you choke
On the noose around your neck

'Hi.' Puck murmured dumbly, moving forward and looking suspicious as she smirked.

'I thought I'd find you here..' She told him, and he shrugged as they kept walking towards eachother, until they were only a few feet apart, the light from outside bright on their forms.

'I like the view.' He told her sheepishly, still looking a bit cautious. 'What are you doing here? Shouldn't you be going home, or checking on Santana..'

'Santana's fine, I've seen her and Brittany's looking after her now.' She cut him off, and he nodded in response, unsure of what to say. 'Plus, I wanted to ask you something before I go.'

He stared at her, frozen as she took a deep breath, before speaking slowly. 'I was wondering, if I could take up your earlier offer of going on a date sometime?'

Puck remained quiet, though a small smile was creeping on his face.

'Unless there was an expiry date on that offer, it has been quite a few months now.' She told him, her voice still light while her face remained soft.

'Of course not. And you're right...you waited quite a while to get back to me on it.' He told her teasingly, both of them now smirking as she bit her lip, glancing down before back up at him.

'Was I worth the wait?' She asked tentatively, her eyes turning vulnerable as he swallowed, completely sure of his answer.

'Most definitely.'

And I'll find strength in pain
And I will change my ways

She nodded, seemingly pleased with the response as she smiled again. 'So...it's a date?'

Puck nodded, his heart feeling a little too big for his chest, and a little too fluttery to be considered manly. 'It's a date. I'll try to get back to you quicker than you did, this time.' He added, raising an eyebrow as she chuckled slightly.

'Sounds perfect.' She assured him, before gently grabbing his arm and standing on tiptoes to place a chaste kiss on his cheek, giving him one last look and turning away.

He watched her walk off, still feeling unusually high as her blue dress flowed out behind her, a new spring in her step, and the street light highlighting her hair until it shone golden.

I'll know my name as it's called again

The end.

I'm kidding, of course. The story's far from over! Well, 4 or 5 chapters away...but that's if I don't do a sequel. But we'll get back to that later! Thank you so much to all the reviews, especially those that review every chapter, you guys are so great. It makes writing this even more fun, knowing that people enjoy it. I'm looking forward to writing the next chapter...there's a lot of drama coming up, I warn you. Let's just call this chapter the calm before the storm..

I hope you're all liking the progress of the story. I know it's been pretty Santana-centric lately considering the title of this fic, but I promise there's a lot of Quinn (and Puck) coming up. Again, please review and let me know what you think! I'm not sure when I'll get the next chapter up, it's a big chapter (at least for me) so I want to make sure it's a good one! Until next time xo

Note: The lyrics in this chapter are from Mumford & Sons - The Cave. If you haven't heard it already, I recommend it highly.